Tim Paine in high demand after sexting scandal.

Scott Morrison and Clive Palmer are locked in an epic battle to secure the services of Tim Paine after the cricketer was recently sacked for sexting. The prime minister and the leader of the United Australia Party are desperate for the former national captain to run as a candidate for their respective political parties at the next federal election.

“Tim is perfect for contemporary Australian politics,” announced Morrison as he pitched the Coalition to Paine.

“He is adept at scandalous sexting and mistreating women. Furthermore, he managed to keep it hidden for so many years and this is what impressed us the most. He epitomises the behaviour of the modern Liberal Party member, and he is a sporting hero, so Australians will support him no matter what he does.”

Paine was recently sacked as captain of the Australian test cricket team, which is a more important position than that of prime minister according to many Australians. He was caught sexting lewd, consensual messages to a female administrative colleague – before he was made national captain, but while he was married. Ironically, he was appointed captain due to his clean-cut public image, after the ‘sandpapergate’ scandal resulted in the sacking of the previous captain Steve Smith.

Palmer, the leader of the influential fringe party, believes Paine is better suited to his party.

“Tim’s a great Aussie. He’s a great cricketer, he’s a patriot, he wore the baggy green and he loves his country – and that’s what the UAP is all about. We’re making Australia great again and that’s what Tim did. He improved Australia’s international reputation. It was just a bit of harmless flirting on his phone, just like Warney did – and Warney’s a national hero as well.”

“People say my party’s just a bunch of crazy misfits – but Tim will fit right in here. Plus, if he’s caught mistreating women and sexting as a politician, he won’t be sacked, he’ll be promoted.”

Morrison went on to say that Paine should join the LNP because they can actually form government, before Palmer reminded Morrison that it was the UAP which greatly assisted Morrison to win the unwinnable election in 2019.

“Without me, ScoMo’s nothing,” Palmer declared.

Morrison then reminded Palmer that almost every member of the current LNP government has been involved in some form of corruption or scandalous behaviour, and not one of them has been dismissed, so Paine will be protected.

Paine has so far declined to comment on the offers as he has switched off his phone. Rumours also persist that he has received offers from Pauline Hanson’s One Nation Party and Bob Katter.

Image: Getty Images

Sunbaking to Debut at Brisbane 2032

Sunbaking will make its Olympic debut at Brisbane 2032 and residents of Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs are expected to scoop the medals. Sunbaking is the first new sport to be added to the program after the International Olympic Committee (IOC) declared it an official sport.

“We are enormously excited to add this popular Australian tradition to the program for the Brisbane 2032 Olympic Games,” began a statement from the IOC. “The decision to classify sunbaking as a sport was made after reviewing images of thousands of people sunbaking without masks at Bondi, Coogee and Bronte during Sydney’s recent COVID-19 lockdown.”

Residents throughout Greater Sydney were required to wear a face mask every time they left the house during the extended lockdown, except when exercising or for religious reasons,

“…confirming that Australians are sun worshippers, which provides further reason to include the sport.”

The IOC sought advice from former NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian and Health Minister Brad Hazzard, as well as Waverley and Randwick councils, all of whom allowed people to sunbake without masks, congregate in groups and flaunt the rules that applied to other areas of Greater Sydney. This helped greatly to sway the IOC.

Eastern Suburbs residents are already favoured to sweep the medals, even though the games are 11 years away.

“The eastern suburbs region is blessed with wonderful beaches which are the perfect training ground for elite international sunbakers,” explained Itan Allova, the newly-appointed high-performance director at Sunbaking Australia, which will be based at Bondi Beach.

“Local sunbakers also enjoy the support of regional authorities who allow them to train every time the mercury rises, even when residents of other parts of Greater Sydney are locked out of these specialised training facilities.”

The announcement is expected to attract even more people to local beaches in the coming months as Sydneysiders seize the opportunity to represent their nation at a home Olympics. Sunbaking is open to all ages, shapes and sizes, including children, meaning some sunbakers in Brisbane could be even younger than the skateboarders.

Sunbaking will take place alongside Surfing and Beach Volleyball, creating the historic opportunity for an athlete to win gold medals in separate sports at exactly the same time.

Competitors will be judged according to criteria such as consistency of tan, depth of tan and avoidance of tan lines. Sunbakers exhibiting signs of sunburn, or the British Tan, will be eliminated, and use of performance enhancing substances such as tanning oils is prohibited.

Critics argue the inclusion of Sunbaking discriminates against people from landlocked nations, and even residents of western Sydney or the Blue Mountains who live miles from the beach, to which the IOC replied:

“Well, we included Surfing.”

Image: Apostolos Vamvouras

First published in The Beast magazine, November 2021

AGL creates gender-neutral coal.

Energy company AGL has been applauded for creating the world’s first gender-neutral coal as a source of energy for commercial and residential use throughout Australia.

“AGL is a leader in corporate diversity and inclusion, and gender-neutral coal is just another exciting initiative in our quest to embrace the LGBTQ+ community,” announced the company, on the same day thousands of school students across the country protested against AGL and other fossil fuel companies.

“Gender-neutral coal does not identify as male, female or any other gender. It was developed by our outstanding research and development team, in close consultation with our marketing department, and cannot be found anywhere else in the world. Every Aussie should be enormously proud of this, and the fact that Australia has the largest per-capita carbon footprint of any country on earth.”

AGL then explained that gender-neutral coal damages the planet as much as gender-specific coal, and helps the company to debunk myths that the mining industry is male-dominated and not welcoming of other genders. It also looks like ‘normal’ coal

“…but we transport it in rainbow-coloured containers.”

It is not the first accolade AGL has received in this sphere. The company was recently awarded Gold Employer status for LGBTQ+ inclusion at the AWEI Awards while simultaneously earning the title of Australia’s biggest domestic contributor to climate change by Greenpeace. Greenpeace argues that AGL emitted 42.2 million tonnes of carbon emissions in 2019-2020. Greenpeace data confirms that the energy company creates,

“…24.6% of electricity sector emissions and 8% of Australia’s total emissions, which primarily comes from the coal burned at the energy giant’s three coal-burning power stations: Liddell, Bayswater, and Loy Yang A. AGL’s own data confirms that 85% of energy generated by the gentailer comes from burning coal.”

At the same time, AGL boasts publicly that:

“This is the third year we have been awarded Gold Employer status, and the fifth year that we have participated in the AWEI. Our employee-driven LGBTQ+ network, AGL Shine, was created in 2014. The network focuses on providing a safe and inclusive environment for all our employees – while also advocating internally and externally for gender inclusion beyond the heteronormative binary.”

The announcement provoked a mixed reaction.

Prime Minister Scott Morrison, Energy Minister Angus Taylor and Environment Minister Sussan Ley welcomed the news, despite being famously conservative and reluctant to embrace non-heteronormative agendas. The three leaders applauded AGL for using the LGBTQ+ community to distract Australians from their environmental destruction, and thanked the company for giving the Australian delegation something tangible to take to COP26 in Glasgow later this month.

Critics argue that gender-neutral coal is not real, and never will be. They claim that coal is an inanimate object with no gender, and thus cannot be declared gender-neutral. Many suspect the announcement is yet another attempt to win public favour while the rest of the world appears to be transitioning to renewable energy.

AGL rejected assertions that gender-neutral coal is not a real thing, stating;

“It’s as real as Clean Coal”

Smoking is the new jogging.

Smoking has joined jogging as a legitimate form of exercise during the COVID-19 lockdowns because it requires smokers to remove their face masks in public places. According to strict lockdown rules, masks must be worn outside at all times unless a person is exercising, or for religious reasons.

“Smokers are smoking in public places all over the world during the pandemic,” stated the World Health Organisation (WHO), which awarded smoking its new status.

“They are removing their face masks in order to do so, and they are doing it so often, in every part of the world living through lockdown, that we had no choice but to declare cigarette smoking a form of exercise.

Had we not declared smoking a form of exercise, local authorities throughout the world would be forced to prevent people from smoking outdoors, and they appear extremely reluctant to do that.”

In many parts of the world, people are also allowed outside without a mask for religious reasons. While smoking is not a form of worship, it is one of the few vices allowed in devoutly religious societies, even those living under Sharia law.

Big Tobacco is delighted at the announcement.

“Now we don’t have to spend millions of dollars to lobby governments or to convince people that cigarette smoking is not potentially deadly to smokers, bystanders and the planet. If smoking is a form of exercise, it must be healthy. The WHO just saved us a fortune.”

Social commentators have long questioned the tolerance of smoking during the COVID-19 pandemic. They argue that cigarette smoking not only pollutes the air, but weakens the immune systems of smokers and passive smokers. If more people have weak immune systems, they claim, more people will be susceptible to COVID-19 and similar diseases.

This means people throughout the world could be in lockdown for even longer.

Image: Julia Engel

Gladys Berejiklian’s fatal mistake.

EXCLUSIVE: Sources close to Gladys Berejiklian have revealed the fatal mistake which forced her to resign as Premier of NSW: she was not photographed with a dog.

Experts have conceded that a photograph with a cute dog would have distracted people from the corruption scandal which prompted her shock resignation.

“Australians trust anyone with a dog,” claimed a member of Berejiklian’s inner circle.

“If Gladys had been photographed with a dog before, or even after, the accusations of corruption from the ICAC, she would have won over every person in NSW and saved herself from having to resign. She was not forced out of office because of her rather sordid relationship with a disgraced politician, and not because of suspicious grants to a random shooting club. She was forced out because we didn’t create this photo op, it’s on us.”

Political insiders agree with Berejikilan’s team on the power of a photo with a dog.

“Australians are very gullible and impressionable, especially when people are photographed with dogs. The country is obsessed with dogs, and anyone who owns a dog, or even pretends to own one, is regarded as inherently good. Politicians, wayward footballers, corrupt businessmen and social media influencers all use dogs to soften and enhance their image, and it works.

This is why photo op’s with dogs are so useful, no essential, in Australia’s current political climate. They convince Australians that Scott Morrison is caring, that Peter Dutton is human, and that Anthony Albanese is…well…not nothing.

Somehow, Berejiklian’s team forgot this and we didn’t see any photos of Gladys with a dog. One photo with a pooch could have saved her political life.”

The failure to photograph the fallen premier with a furry friend has led some political commentators to suggest, privately, that Berejikilian was sacrificed by the LNP. Either because she is a woman, more popular Morrison, or not an openly devout Christian.

Experts also cite Morrison as evidence of the recuperative power of a photo with man’s best friend.

“Through his many failures and demonstrations of complete and utter incompetence, the prime minister has been photographed with a dog. When the public appear to be turning on him, he is photographed with a dog, or his family. When his brand is in urgent need of repair, he’s photographed with his family and a dog.”

According to leading political commentators, the only group of people who seem to see through Puppy Propaganda are members of independent anti-corruption agencies, like the one that ended the reign of the NSW premier. The same people Scott Morrison is scared to let into Canberra.

Experts were then asked if Australians are ever likely to see Berejiklian photographed with a dog.

“Only if she enters federal politics.”

Image: http://www.abc.net.au

Dog ownership linked to childhood obesity.

A breakthrough study has discovered a link between growing rates of childhood obesity and the increasing numbers of pet dogs in Australia.

Experts behind the study revealed their findings in a comprehensive report which proves unequivocally that hordes of dogs in public spaces are preventing children from exercising outdoors.

“Dogs have taken over this country,” the research group explained.

“They have pushed children out of public recreation areas. This has led to an increase in childhood obesity.”

Data from the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare in 2017-18 indicated that 25% of Australian children aged 2-17 were overweight, and 8.2% were obese. In addition, young people aged 5–14 and 15–24 in 2017–18 were more likely to be overweight or obese than people of the same age in 1995.

Meanwhile, about 40% of Australian households own a pet dog, and there are about 5.1 million pet dogs in the country. The quantity and behaviour of dogs was the primary cause of childhood obesity in Australia according to the experts.

“Dog owners and local councils have let dogs dominate every inch of public space in this country, areas which would previously have been full of children engaging in healthy physical activity on a daily basis.”

“Parks, playgrounds, sports fields and beaches are full of dogs, even though the majority of these spaces are technically off limits. So prevalent are dogs that locals in Perth and Sydney recently requested separate dog parks for large and small dogs.

The study also discovered that most councils refuse to remove dogs from off limit areas, and as a result, children simply do not want to play outside.”

Interviews with young people uncovered specific deterrents to outdoor exercise.

“Kids won’t kick a footy around anymore, because a dog is bound to chase after the ball and likely puncture it with their teeth. Similarly, a dog will pick up a tennis ball and cover it in slobber. No one wants to bowl a ball covered in dog slobber, especially in the era of COVID-19. Then there’s the dog droppings owners refuse to pick up.

Also, younger children and their parents reported being harassed or even attacked by big dogs at the park, making them fearful of venturing out to play. Instead, children stay inside and play computer games or destroy their self-esteem on social media.”

Countless studies on children’s health and wellbeing in recent years have demonstrated a preference for indoor play among modern Australian children, and experts fear the COVID pandemic will only compound the problem.

“More children have become accustomed to entertaining themselves inside, and this is a very hard habit to break. Concurrently, more Australians have acquired a pet dog during the pandemic.”

The findings of the survey are likely to surprise many Australians, as they did the survey authors.

“We thought overweight and obesity were caused primarily by addiction to electronic devices and an obsession with social media and online gaming, and while those factors are significant, the overabundance of pet dogs in parks and sports grounds was found to be the leading cause.”

The findings refuted the notion that dog ownership promotes general health and wellbeing.

“Perhaps for the owners, but not for the rest of society,” say experts, who then issued a stark warning.

“This is a public health crisis. Overweight and obese youth will suffer physically, mentally and emotionally throughout life and place a great burden on the public health system.”

What’s the solution?

“Simple. Remove dogs from parks, beaches, playground and sports fields, and let the children play.”

Image: http://www.pledgeforpaws.wordpress.com

Radical new plan for Australian churches.

Churches throughout Australia will be converted into social housing in order to make use of empty space, following an announcement from Minister for Families and Social Services, Anne Ruston.

“Catholic and Protestant churches throughout Australia will be renovated and repurposed into social housing, because most churches currently sit vacant for the majority of the year,” Ruston explained.

“This masterful plan is a pragmatic use of an under-utilised asset and an opportunity to finally provide an adequate level of safe accommodation to thousands of vulnerable people in Australia.”

The plan was devised in response to the COVID-19 pandemic, which has left more people jobless or struggling to pay rent and provide for their families, which in turn placed even greater strain on an overstretched public housing system.

“Church buildings will be ‘decommissioned’ and renovated into apartment-style accommodation, and will provide basic and comfortable housing for individuals and small groups. The building contracts will soon be put out to tender, though we hear Scott Cam is very interested in receiving more taxpayer’s money,” Ms Ruston outlined.

The rationale for the world-first program was simple.

“Most churches are not used, except at Christmas and Easter. They are empty buildings. Very few people attend church services, and most of the regular parishioners are elderly, meaning there will be even fewer attendees in 10 years time. Space for new public housing is harder to find nowadays, so churches were an obvious choice.”

Churches were also chosen because they are situated in suburban locations near shops, transport, medical and recreational facilities. Many are also next to primary schools. Most Australian suburbs contain at least one church, including new suburbs.

“We are still deciding whether children will be eligible for this type of social housing, as most churches sit next to the house of the priest or minister. One solution to this problem is to house the priests or ministers elsewhere – maybe in the Tent of the Congregation.”

Church groups, meanwhile, are outraged at the plan.

“It is sacrilegious to destroy a place of holy worship and convert it into an apartment. It is an outrage. Churches are holy, sanctified buildings which connect worshippers with The Almighty. They are the centre of every parish. They must not be made into generic, cheap housing for any random person. Some of the residents may be non-Christians, some may have criminal records, be divorced, single parents or even be pedophiles,” claimed a spokesperson for an alliance of church leaders.

Supporters of the plan wonder whether church leaders are desperate to protect the holy buildings, or the expensive stained glass windows and other ornaments within them. Ms Ruston, meanwhile, was adamant that the churches will be protected in the renovation process.

“Delicate items such as the tabernacle and the stained glass windows will be removed and offered to the church to be used elsewhere. The renovations will be simple but tasteful, and if Scott Cam wins the tender, he will build the greatest bathrooms you have ever seen!”

Ms Ruston also reminded church leaders that their mandate is to serve the poor and the less fortunate, and to accept everyone. In addition, churches and religious buildings have been used throughout history to protect local people from invading armies or neighbouring tribes, natural disasters, bandits and even ruthless drug traffickers.

“Furthermore, all religious organisations receive financial assistance from the government as well as tax concessions, so it could be said that the churches were built and maintained with public money.”

Churches such as St Mary’s Cathedral in Sydney will be retained as places of worship because they attract large numbers for regular church services, and because,

“…we need the tourism revenue, especially after border closures,” said Ms Ruston.

Renovation on selected churches will begin immediately after the 2021 Christmas rush.

Scott Morrison to star in new drama series.

Prime Minister of Australia Scott Morrison will play the lead role in God UnFriended Me, set to stream across multiple platforms from October. The innovative series recounts the events which lead God to unfriend Morrison on Facebook and to eventually dissociate himself from the Pentecostal Christian altogether.

The series opens with the smirking face of Morrison as he accepts a friend request from God. The first episode then proceeds with a dramatic and heart-wrenching comparison of the lives of Morrison’s daughters and the daughters of the Muruguppan family, who have been denied the right to live peacefully in Australia despite the fact that both daughters were born in Australia. Episode one also highlights the central role of the Pentecostal Church in Morrison’s life and God’s great love for his loyal Christian Soldier.

Throughout the series, Morrison proudly displays his Pentecostal faith, his links to Hillsong boss Brian Houston and his close ties with The Almighty. Viewers are led to believe that Morrison’s faith and relationship with God underpin all of his political decisions. In episode 2, the blissful relationship between the prime minister and his God begins to disintegrate.

The confronting and gripping second episode opens with images of the climate crisis, as frightening as any imagery from the Old Testament. The somber reality of an uninhabitable planet is then explained in the context of Morrison’s devotion to the fossil fuel industry. At this point, God is seen to disapprove of Morrison’s determination to allow resource companies to continually destroy his greatest creation.

Morrison seems blissfully unaware of the impending doom, but is photographed building a replica of Noah’s Ark under the guise of building a cubby house for his daughters. Episode two leaves viewers guessing if the construction of the ‘cubby house’ indicates Morrison’s admission of a future full of floods and natural disasters, or a desperate desire to win back the approval of God.

Throughout the following episodes, God is seen to grow frustrated after the prime minister campaigns for re-election on a promise to turn back asylum seekers, which contravenes human rights laws and God’s call to ‘love thy neighbour’.

Morrison is also shown to ignore the meaning of ‘blessed are the poor’ when he refuses to raise welfare payments while offering tax breaks to the rich. He also ignores the plight of women and Indigenous Australians. God then takes to Messenger to remind the PM to read relevant sections of the Bible which outline the teachings of Jesus and the need to treat all human beings with dignity and respect. Morrison ignores the messages.

While God grows weary of Morrison for general ethical and moral failures, he disapproves strongly of a direct challenge to the Ten Commandments. When deputy PM Barnaby Joyce commits adultery, Morrison refuses to sanction the National Party member and God loses patience with both of them.

Finally, God is no longer able to endorse his once loyal Christian Soldier, and he threatens to sue Morrison for defamation. He also suspects Morrison is becoming increasingly devoted to Rupert Murdoch. Morrison, meanwhile, is seen to plead with God and promise The Almighty that he is doing everything in His name.

Eventually, God officially unfriends Morrison on Facebook and the series ends on a cliffhanger as viewers watch Morrison deciding whether to seek solace in the arms of Gina Rinehart or Rupert Murdoch.

God Unfriended Me streams via Facebook and all other streaming services available in Australia from October 1.

Image: Craig Greenhill

Angus Taylor launches Pay Now Pay Later.

Minister for Energy and Emissions Reduction Angus Taylor has announced a world-first national energy supply system called Pay Now Pay Later, under which Australians will pay more for their electricity in the present while paying for climate change in the future.

Pay Now Pay Later is a game-changer,” boasted Taylor, from outside a newly-opened coal mine.

“The world-first energy consumption system ensures that Australians will pay higher electricity bills in the present and will pay for the environmental costs of the energy grid well into the future. We will soon be the only country in the world which forces its citizens to pay with their wallets and their futures.”

Taylor was confident that Australians would embrace Pay Now Pay Later, just as they have embraced systems such as AfterPay, BPay, Before Pay, Buy Now Pay Later, Pay It Forward and even the old-fashioned Lay-By.

“Plus, it’s not like they have a choice,” he scoffed.

The system relies on one central component: the burning of fossil fuels. Taylor and his LNP party will ensure that the majority of Australian businesses and households are forced to secure their energy from fossil fuels such as coal and coal seam gas, rather than from renewable energy. Consumers will therefore pay more for their electricity now, and will contribute the destruction of the planet.

“We will continue with our plans to open new coal mines, to push the fallacy of clean coal, and to burn fossil fuels to supply energy to Australian businesses and households. We will do everything in our power to ensure that the majority of Australia’s energy grid is supplied by fossil fuels.”

For the system to succeed, renewable energy such as wind and solar must be suppressed for as long as possible.

“We will employ myriad tactics to suppress renewable energy. We will utilise our propaganda wing, which Australians know as NewsCorp, to spread fear and misinformation regarding renewable energy, and to perpetuate the falsehood that fossil fuels will keep energy prices down for the everyday Aussie. We also thank former rugby league player Darren Lockyer for his valuable service in this regard.”

“What’s more, Pay Now Pay Later will have the greatest impact on people who are not even paying for electricity now – children.”

Taylor also promised to use the COVID-19 pandemic as an excuse to funnel more taxpayers money into the fossil fuel industry, for the benefit of fossil fuel companies, under the guise of a gas led recovery.

“We will also continue to wind back schemes such as the solar rebate for Australian households, and will instead use this public money to prop up the fossil fuel industry, most of which is foreign owned.”

Australians will pay later as climate change causes more severe storms, droughts, floods and fires, which will cost the country millions of dollars. Australians will also pay later when the international economy deals primarily in renewable energy.

“While Australian energy consumers will Pay Now, the whole world will Pay Later.”

Adding his support to the scheme was current Treasurer Josh Frydenberg, who helped lay the groundwork for the scheme as long as six years ago. Frydenberg used his power as federal Minister for the Environment to prevent energy company AGL from dumping coal and embracing renewable energy in 2016.

His underhand tactics were exposed in an article in The Saturday Paper by Mike Seccombe on July 10, 2021, and they centre on the appointment of chief executive Andy Vessey. The article outlines how Frydenberg called board members of AGL personally and pressured them to remove Vessey because the boss planned to transition the company to renewable energy, and to close the Liddell coal-fired power plant in the NSW Hunter Valley, which is described as:

“…one of Australia’s oldest and dirtiest coal-fired power stations.”

Prime Minister Scott Morrison was also present at the announcement and was asked for a comment. All he could do was smirk and hold up a lump of coal.

Image: Darren England

Australian priests to teach Driver Education.

Priests and religious ministers will teach Australian children how to drive under the federal government’s proposed extension to the school chaplaincy program. Men of the cloth will take over driver education and a host of other programs directed at young people under a proposal to broaden the $61.4 million-a-year program in which chaplains replace qualified counsellors in Australian schools.

Conservative politicians have demanded religious ministers and priests teach Australian children how to drive, as well as instructing them on topics such as drugs and alcohol, personal relationships, literacy and numeracy, cyber safety, gender and sexuality…and even how to shave.

“Cynics will claim this is a weak excuse to funnel more taxpayers’ money to Christian churches,” explained Prime Minister Scott Morrison, himself a devout Pentecostal Christian.

“But that form of inner-city, left-wing, latte-sipping thinking is far from the truth. Priests and religious ministers are the best people to teach Australian children how to drive – even better than existing driving schools.”

All Australian children would be forced to attend a minimum number of hours under the tutelage of religious instructors in order to qualify for the driver’s test through which they secure their L Plates, then their P’s and full licence. They will also be required to attend church every Sunday, and to go to confession every time they fail to check their blindspot during lessons. Religious instructors will also prepare teenagers for the written component of the test.

“The curriculum will change,” revealed Morrison, “…and this is an exciting change. Students will learn skills such as:

Hillsong starts

Reverse praying

3 point turns honouring the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

How to drive during rain, floods, fire and brimstone, plagues, pestilence and the second coming.

The driver education program is one branch of the proposed scheme to help young students through the pandemic as they suffer mental health problems due to prolonged lockdown and online learning. Conservative politicians and commentators argue that the scheme, introduced by former prime minister Joh Howard, is so successful that it should be extended to other areas of life which impact upon primary and secondary students, especially those in government schools.

“God spoke to me,” claimed Morrison. ” “I am merely a vessel through which God runs this country, and he said we must replace qualified, educated, experienced professionals with priests and religious ministers in the following areas:

Personal and romantic relationships. Even though priests can’t date or marry.

Gender and Sexuality. Even though the Bible outlaws non-heteronormative identification.

Drugs and alcohol. Learn how to turn water into wine.

Literacy and Numeracy. Students can learn the three ‘Rs’ just from reading the Bible.

Creative Writing. Read the Bible.

Geography. How to part an ocean.

Science. Trace the human genome to a man, a woman and a serpent.

Cyber Safety. They’ll watch the show ‘God Friended Me’.

Critics, meanwhile, suggested the $61.4 million-a-year budget would be better spent coordinating a national vaccine rollout, which is the federal government’s responsibility, so that children can return to school and be released from lockdown.

Image: Orkun Azap