Satire

Pacific Island players boycott the NRL and Super Rugby.

~ Kieran Blake ~ Leave a comment

Players with Pacific Island heritage have boycotted the National Rugby League and Australian Super Rugby competitions to protest Australia’s inaction on climate change and the damage to the homes of their ancestors.

Players whose families come from Samoa, Tonga, Papua New Guinea and Fiji have thrown the competitions into disarray and are refusing to play until the Australian government and the Australian people take real action to combat the disastrous effects of the climate crisis on low-lying islands.

“Pacific Island nations are under threat, and Australia is largely to blame” began a joint statement from the players. The climate crisis is already having a devastating impact on island nations throughout the South Pacific. Rising sea levels carry saltwater into fresh water lakes and onto farms where crops are destroyed. Unpredictable seasons make farming more difficult and more severe weather causes human and economic damage throughout the region. Natural disasters are an increasing threat and entire nations could be underwater as sea levels continue to rise. Australia is a major contributor to the climate crisis. It has the highest per-capita carbon footprint of any nation on earth, due largely to a dependence on the fossil fuel industry, land clearing and traditional agricultural practices. It is lagging in the adoption of renewable energy and electric vehicles, and incentives for household solar installation are being removed. Alternative transport is not being embraced, and new coal mines are being proposed, even on the fringes of world heritage listed national parks. “When this country starts acting at a day-to-day level and a national level to reverse the effects of the climate crisis, then we will return to the NRL and Super Rugby competitions.” The NRL and Australian Super Rugby teams have been left scrambling to find elite players since the shock announcement, as their teams rely heavily on talented players with Pasifika heritage. Both codes are desperately searching reserve grade teams, country teams and overseas competitions for players before fans, media networks and sponsors desert the codes. “The only people who are happy about this are commentators like Ray Warren who can’t pronounce our names, but otherwise it will decimate the sports at the elite level.” The players are adamant that this decision was not taken lightly. “We love our sports. We love the competition and know how lucky we are to make a living out of the game we love. We are sacrificing a lot personally with this boycott, but that is how serious and desperate the situation is in the countries where some of us were born, and where all of us have family.” The players will continue to play their respective sports, but not for their existing NRL or Super Rugby teams. “Most of the boys will keep playing at local club level, to stay sharp and fit. A lot of us are also thinking of playing in New Zealand, because the travel bubble just opened and at least the Kiwis are trying to do something to protect the environment. That means we can play for NZ-based Super Rugby teams, or for the New Zealand Warriors. Looks like the Warriors will finally win a premiership.” Indigenous Australian players have joined the move, as the farms and mines driving climate change sit on their land, and Aboriginal people witness the destruction first hand. The boycott of the NRL will also include the State of Origin competition. This means that NSW and Queensland will be without male players such as Josh Addo-Carr, Latrell Mitchell, Daniel Tupou, Blake Ferguson, Xavier Coates, Jack Bird, Kotoni Staggs, Jack Wighton, Cody Walker, Tino Fa’asuamaleaui, Tyson Frizell, Junior Paulo, Jarome Luai, Jayden Su’A, Stephen Crichton, David Fifita, Felise Kaufusi, Payne Haas, Daniel Saifiti and Josh Papali’i.” Australia must now take decisive action to protect the natural environment, if it wants to see the best players competing in the NRL and Super Rugby competitions, as Pasifika players have promised to stand firm. “We are prepared to do this in order to save the lands of our families and ancestors.” Image: Stephen Tremain

 

Pacific Island footballers refuse to play for Australia.

~ Kieran Blake ~ Leave a comment

Players of Pacific Island heritage are refusing to represent Australia in various football codes until Australia takes action to halt the climate crisis which threatens the lands of their ancestors.

Players from Rugby League and Rugby Union whose families hail from countries such as Tonga, Samoa, Papua New Guinea and Fiji have united in an attempt to force the Australian government and its people to take real action which protects the environment and their homelands.

“Pacific Island nations are under threat,” began a joint statement from the players.

“Australia must stop causing the climate crisis, and must start fixing it. Until this happens, players of Pacific Island heritage will not make themselves eligible for national teams such as the Wallabies, Wallaroos, Kangaroos and Jillaroos – or Rugby Sevens teams.”

The climate crisis is already having a devastating impact on island nations throughout the South Pacific. Rising sea levels carry saltwater into fresh water lakes and onto farms where crops are destroyed. Unpredictable seasons make farming more difficult and more severe weather causes human and economic damage throughout the region. Natural disasters are an increasing threat and entire nations could be underwater as sea levels continue to rise.

Australia is a major contributor to the climate crisis. It has the highest per-capita carbon footprint of any nation on earth, due largely to a dependence on the fossil fuel industry, land clearing and traditional agricultural practices. It is lagging in the adoption of renewable energy and electric vehicles, and incentives for household solar installation are being removed. Alternative transport is not being embraced, and new coal mines are being proposed, even on the fringes of world heritage listed national parks.

Average Australians continue to vote for the politicians which implement the destructive policies, and Aussies create substantial waste and pollution in their daily lives.

“Three politicians even joked about our islands going underwater,” the players recounted.

“Peter Dutton was caught joking about it to the current Prime Minister, who claims to be a fan of rugby league, and a former Prime Minister, Tony Abbott, who loves rugby union. We’ll see if they’re still laughing when there are no Pacific Island players in their national teams – and whether Morrison will want to run water for a team that is always losing. Our players will also refuse selection in the Prime Minister’s XIII and XV”

The move will severely weaken national teams. 19 of the 44 players in the men’s rugby union team, the Wallabies, have Pacific Island heritage, while the women’s team, the Wallaroos, contains 14 of 31 squad members. Players like Ellia Green will also withdraw from the women’s rugby seven’s squad, as the team defends its Olympic gold medal in Tokyo later this year.

Indigenous Australian players have joined the move. The farms and mines driving climate change sit on their land, and Aboriginal people witness the destruction first hand.

“So, now you have to imagine a Kangaroos team without players like Josh Addo-Carr, Latrell Mitchell, Daniel Tupou, Blake Ferguson, Xavier Coates, Jack Bird, Kotoni Staggs, Jack Wighton, Cody Walker, Dane Gagai, Tino Fa’asuamaleaui, Tyson Frizell, David Fifita, Felise Kaufusi, Payne Haas, Daniel Saifiti and Josh Papali’i.”

The players stressed that this was not an easy or spontaneous decision.

“We love playing for Australia. We are proud Australians, and put our heart and soul into every game we play for this country. We did not take this decision lightly, and only did it because the situation is desperate and action must be taken now. We still have family in the Pacific, and we took this action in the hope that the Australian people and politicians will start taking notice, and start taking action – now.”

The talented players will still play the game they love, even if not for Australia.

“We will play for the nations of our ancestors. Jason Taumalolo and other league players went back to play for Tonga a few years ago, and they beat Australia fair and square. A lot of league and union fans have long wondered what would happen if the Islander players united for their homelands, soon we will find out.”

The players are acutely aware that most Australians want action on climate change.

“When that happens, we will proudly pull on the green and gold.”

Image: Getty Images

Eastern Suburbs residents harbouring Australia’s biggest killers.

~ Kieran Blake ~ Leave a comment

Eastern Suburbs residents have reacted with horror to the news that many of their neighbours have been harbouring Australia’s biggest killers for years, and getting away with it.

The harrowing revelations have only recently come to light and have spread fear and panic throughout the region, which is famed for its beautiful beaches, high standard of living and relative security.

The huge loss of life inflicted by these savage murderers has remained undetected and unpunished for so many years because it occurs mostly at night, while the region’s innocent children are safely tucked up in bed, and their parents are firmly engrossed in the latest crime thriller on their preferred streaming service.

“This news sent a chill down my spine, and continues to keep me awake at night,” reported one resident, who insisted on anonymity for fear of reprisal.

“I grew up in the east, and I never thought this could happen here. How could someone knowingly house a creature that causes so much pain and suffering – and right next door to me?”

A fellow neighbour reacted with similar sentiment.

“I let my children visit and play in the neighbour’s house, even without us sometimes. They must have come in contact with the murderer while they were playing – oh, it’s just horrifying.”

Other residents have been faced with the decision of remaining in paradise, where their families are firmly entrenched, or moving in order to distance themselves from these mass murderers.

“But how do we know there aren’t more of them elsewhere in Sydney, or even the rest of the country?” despaired one local who is grappling with the decision.

Many residents remain perplexed that such vicious murderers have not only remained unpunished, but are afforded protection by the all three levels of government, the police and law enforcement agencies, and even large mainstream charitable organisations whose mandate is to protect all creatures great and small.

“Surely,” declared one harried long-time resident, “If so many lives have been lost, and the identity and location of the perpetrator is known, they should just get rid of them, to stop further loss of life.”

Other residents rejected the claims, arguing that if they were true, the region would be littered with dead bodies of the victims. Experts reminded them that the murderers are clever and cunning, and often commit their wicked acts in bushland and heavily wooded areas, where bodies can remain undetected. Furthermore, the bodies of their victims are often buried.

“The story becomes more macabre when we realise that most of these murderers return to their homes to be fed and showered with love and affection,” stated the expert.

Residents are thus asked to report sightings of cats, the single most destructive introduced species in Australia.

Image: istockphotos.com

First published in http://www.thebeast.com.au, April 2021.

Parliament House to host Mad Monday in 2021.

~ Kieran Blake ~ Leave a comment

Parliament House in Canberra will host the Mad Monday celebrations for Australia’s major football codes in 2021 after it was revealed to be a den of iniquity.

So many reports of scandalous behaviour are emerging from the nation’s seat of power on a daily basis that players from sports such as the NRL, AFL and Super Rugby have booked the venue for their annual end-of-season parties.

“Mad Monday is every Monday!” exclaimed a combined statement from representatives of the football codes organising the festivities.

“Parliament House is where it’s at boys!- anything goes. We can get on the piss, anywhere, we can bring in some hookers, get high, get stoned, come and go any time of the day or night. But best of all, we’ll get away with it!” explained Brendan Fevola.

“How good!”

The excitement among current and former players was palpable on group chats, as attendees realised they could turn back the clock to the glory days of Mad Monday and bonding sessions without pesky photographers, no-fault stand down rules, fines, suspensions – or any consequences for their behaviour.

“We can sink a thousand beers and pull a chick, any chick,” wrote an excited Toby Rudolf.

Players like Adam Elliott, from the NRL Bulldogs, are excited that they can get naked and dance on tables without appearing on the front page of a newspaper. Others like Tyrone May, Dylan Napa and Corey Norman are looking forward to making or distributing sex tapes without fear of punishment.

“How’s the WiFi?”, asked Israel Folau, who is determined to spread damaging misinformation via social media just like LNP member Craig Kelly, while racist players wanted to know if they could access Pauline Hanson’s office.

Mark Gasnier, Jonathon Patton and Shaun Kenny-Dowall were also interested in the quality of reception, because they guarantee they can match any of the lewd messages and pictures that MP Michael Johnsen sent to a sex worker. Sam Newman, meanwhile, is a big fan of the general depravity and rampant misogyny.

Players like Mitchell Pearce were making dibs on the offices of Christian Porter and Barnaby Joyce so they could commit adultery with young women and keep their substantial salaries, while Jayden Okunbor and Corey Harawira-Naera wanted to know if any high schools were likely to be visiting the seat of government in October this year.

Jack de Belin and Tristan Sailor, meanwhile, expressed their delight that players accused of rape will not end up in prison, lose their job or even be suspended.

“If only I’d been a politician,” they commented via their lawyers.

Parliament House will replace Hillsong Church in Sydney as the host of the famously wild party in 2021.

“Hillsong was great, but it’s not an option anymore”, explained one of the chief organisers, ex-AFL star Ben Cousins.

“We got that venue last year because ScoMo (Scott Morrison), Jarryd (Hayne) and a heap of other players have connections there. But Jarryd’s probably gonna be in prison later this year, and Scotty might not last much longer as PM, so the church isn’t an option. Manase Fainu kept tryin’ to tell us that a church is great place to have a party but, nah, we realised Parliament House was rockin’ this year.”

Politicians and their staffers have been invited to join the players and have promised to guide the football heroes to locations such as the prayer room, the office of Linda Reynolds and the bar.

Image: Aditya Joshi

Footy Leadership Groups to replace Australian government.

~ Kieran Blake ~ Leave a comment

Leadership Groups from Australia’s major football codes will replace the current Australian government while Coalition members take mental health leave. Senior players from sports such as the NRL and AFL will run the country while coalition ministers and senators take sick leave to recover from self-inflicted scandals.

“Footy players will run the country for a while,” announced Prime Minister Scott Morrison.

“Leadership Groups are the perfect replacement for ministers and senators because they are made up of players who have committed public scandals and have not only kept their jobs, but often been rewarded with positions of greater influence. Some have even captained premiership winning teams, just as I captained my team to victory in the last election despite years of incompetence, failure and questionable behaviour. Of course, just like politics, some members of Leadership Groups are responsible and decent people, but they’re often outnumbered.”

Many of the players are currently serving suspensions for off-field scandals, and thus have time to be politicians until ministers and senators return from leave. They will begin their new roles immediately and are expected to perform just as well as the people they replace.

Football players are famous for committing scandals involving the abuse of alcohol and illicit drugs, racism, homophobia, misuse of social media, driving offences, general immorality and mistreatment of women. It is this ongoing behaviour which persuaded the prime minister to call for their help during the current crisis.

“They also have great empathy for women,” explained Morrison, “and one of them was just found guilty of rape, so these are the kind of men we need in parliament house at the moment.”

The footy players who were chosen to fill such a vital role are excited by the new challenge.

“Sweet bro,” they exclaimed.

“Mad Monday every Monday!”

“We can get on the piss, hire some hookers, pop some pills, have wild group sex, denigrate women, make a few sex tapes and share them – might even rape a few b’,*ches – anything goes here.”

The players were reported to be even more excited that they will enjoy greater impunity as politicians than they do as footballers.

“Mate, I’ve been suspended for bloody ever after I got accused of rape, and they haven’t even found me guilty,” stated NRL player Jack de Belin.

“But that Porter bloke got accused of the same thing and they gave him sick leave on full pay. How good is politics!”

The appointment of the Leadership Groups will allow the Coalition to work on their combinations in the early days of the cabinet reshuffle, and will even allow Morrison to take a holiday from doing nothing. The job of PM will be shared between NRL player Jarryd Hayne and the walking disaster, former AFL player Ben Cousins.

Images: http://www.abc.net.au, http://www.gettyimages.com.au

Strict ban imposed on Australian politicians.

~ Kieran Blake ~ Leave a comment

Politicians cannot visit schools and children will no longer make excursions to federal or state parliament houses following revelations of appalling behaviour from politicians and their staffers.

The ban will take effect immediately and hinges on one key issue:

“Many politicians and their staff do not qualify for a Working With Children Check (WWCC)” explained a spokesperson for the Australian Society for the Protection of Children (ASPC).

“Our nation’s leaders have committed or defended acts that are illegal, immoral, depraved and reprehensible, and this disqualifies them from a WWCC. Without a WWCC, an adult is not allowed to interact with children in any official capacity.”

The spokesperson was adamant that not all politicians have behaved poorly, but that a blanket ban at the present time was the only way to protect the nation’s children.

“Remember, it is not just the politicians themselves who visit schools or community and youth organisations. They arrive with an entourage of minders, advisors, media attaches, staffers and interns, and it is their staffers who are sometimes the biggest problem, as news stories have demonstrated in recent weeks.”

Australian school children will not be allowed to visit Parliament House on official school excursions, denying them a trip that was something of a right of passage for Aussie kids. Parents are also advised that anyone under the age of 18 will be denied entry to the halls of power in Canberra and state capitals.

“Parliament House is crawling with creeps,” stated the ASPC, “It’s not even a safe place for adults.”

The decision follows the shocking discovery of disgraceful behaviour in parliamentary buildings and other locations, by the people entrusted to run the country.

A junior staffer revealed an alleged rape in a minister’s office in Canberra, and numerous women have reported sexual harassment by male staff members. The same women provided evidence that their claims were not taken seriously, or were ignored, in order to protect the politician, staffer or the political party.

Media outlets have also revealed instances of male staffers masturbating on a woman’s desk, filming the act and sharing the video with male colleagues, and of prostitutes being brought into parliament house.

The Attorney General, the highest law officer in the land, was caught fraternising with young female staffers in a public bar just minutes from Parliament House. Apart from committing adultery, the minister was also accused of placing himself in a compromising position which could threaten the security of the nation. He continues to be protected by his party, and by the prime minister.

In addition, the prime minister, and the federal minister for women refused to meet face to face with the thousands of protestors participating in marches throughout the country calling for greater rights and protection for women inside and outside of politics.

“All of these acts preclude a person from securing a WWCC, and cast them as terrible role models for the nation’s school children. This is why we have had to place a ban on interactions between politicians and children,” clarified the spokesperson.

“The ban will be lifted when politicians and their staffers start behaving like moral human beings”

Image: Aditya Joshi

Parliament House for 4 Year Olds.

~ Kieran Blake ~ 1 Comment

Parliament House for 4 Year Olds is a delightful new TV series in which young children teach Australia’s federal politicians how to behave. The landmark series will be filmed inside Parliament House, Canberra, and follows the ground-breaking documentary Old People’s Home for 4 Year Olds, which aired on the Australian Broadcasting Commission (ABC) in 2017.

The successful ABC series followed a group of 4-year-old children during their visits to an aged-care facility. The interaction between residents and the children was proven to improve the physical, mental and emotional wellbeing of the elderly participants, and it is hoped the series at Parliament House will improve the basic human decency of politicians.

“The 4-year-olds will teach politicians how to behave,” explained the show’s creators.

“The children will teach politicians and staffers in the nation’s capital basic principles such as morality, fairness, honesty, equality, justice, tolerance and sharing – the basic values that early childhood educators instil in young children every day, and the kind of behaviours that are often called ‘Australian Values’.”

The multi-part series will take politicians and their staffers through activities designed to remind them that boys and girls should be treated equally, that ‘sharing is caring’ and that if someone was using the toys first, it’s not acceptable to just steal those toys and never give them back. Politicians will also learn that it is normal to share the sand pit and swing set with someone who looks or sounds different to you, and that bullying is never ok.

“Boys are now learning that punching or slapping a girl, pulling her hair or pushing her off the monkey bars is not a form of flirting or affection, that it’s actually a form of bullying. In light of this, children will teach the nation’s leaders that if they’re being bullied, they should tell an adult, because the adult will try to help you and not just ignore you.”

Politicians from all parties have been invited to attend, and they will be taught that errant bodily fluids can make everyone sick and are just ‘yukky’.

“We are happy to include the nation’s leaders in our toilet training sessions, and to remind them of the true purpose of bathrooms.”

Children will instruct politicians and their staffers that telling the truth is always important, even when that is difficult, and that it can be harmful to spread nasty rumours about someone behind their back.

“We are also confident that the series will put an end to participants bringing prostitutes into the corridors of power, because a 4-year-old doesn’t even know what a prostitute is.”

Parliament House for 4 Year Olds will not be shown on the ABC, because the politicians participating in the series are the ones currently dismantling the national broadcaster. Instead, the series will be aired after shows such as MKR, I’m A Celebrity and MAFS, because a direct correlation has been found between viewing scripted reality TV shows and voting amoral politicians back into power.

For fans of reality TV shows, they will also have the chance to ‘vote’ the participants off the show at the next election. Furthermore, producers plan to extend the program to state parliaments, where politicians can learn how to avoid physical relationships with people who have been involved in widespread corruption, and that the number 3 million is not the same as the number 30 million.

Parliament House for 4 Year Olds will air at the beginning of next month, and will be available on catch up services.

“Parliament House for 4 Year Olds; because 4-year-olds are perfect role models for politicians”

Image: Katrina Knapp

Jarryd Hayne’s secret letter to police.

~ Kieran Blake ~ Leave a comment

EXCLUSIVE: Jarryd Hayne has revealed he sent a secret letter to Mick Fuller pleading with the NSW Police Commissioner to release his iConsent App just days before the rugby league star sexually assaulted a woman in 2018.

In an exclusive interview, Hayne claimed that he would never have been found guilty of the crime if Fuller had heeded his calls to release the App in the days leading up to the 2018 Grand Final.

“I’m probably gonna go to prison,” Hayne conceded outside court following the guilty verdict.

“But I shouldn’t have to. If Mick released that rape app before I went to that chick’s house, I wouldn’t ‘ve have been found guilty today,” argued the former NRL star.

“I wrote a letter to Mick a few weeks before the grand final, and asked him about the app. I’d seen him hangin’ around the NRL a bit – I think he was trying to get a job or something, I don’t know. But I heard he had this idea for an app and I knew it would be great for me and heaps of other footy players, so I wrote him the letter.”

Hayne then explained exactly how the app could have helped him avoid a likely prison sentence.

“See, I could’ve just got her to sign on the app, the iConsent App, that she consented to the sex or to whatever happened that night, and then I wouldn’t ‘ve been guilty. I could’ve just told her I was ordering a pizza, or placing a bet for her on the final score on the grand final – coz you can do everything on your phone and on an app these days – then everything would’ve been sweet.”

Asked if that meant he would not have committed the offence, Hayne answered,

“Nah, I still would’ve done it, but I would’ve got away with it – that’s how the app works isn’t it?”

The former NSW and Australian representative then conceded that an app could have saved him from going through the legal proceedings at all.

“I should’ve just ordered an Uber that night. I could’ve got one Uber to her house, then a different one when the job was done. But I used a cab and he had to wait – I reckon that’s what made people so suspicious, hey”

Asked if he believed the iConsent App would prevent him or any other man from committing sexual assault, Hayne replied,

“What do you reckon?”

Image: http://www.abc.net.au

The true origin of Mick Fuller’s iConsent App.

~ Kieran Blake ~ Leave a comment

EXCLUSIVE: NSW Police Commissioner Mick Fuller has revealed that his controversial iConsent App was the cornerstone of his bid to land a role within the NRL and was designed to keep rugby league players out of prison. After failing to secure the NRL position, he proposed the App for the Australian public.

The proposed iConsent App was designed to record sexual consent and was expected to reduce the number of sexual assaults in the country. Reported sexual assault rose by 10 per cent in 2020, but only two percent of those cases led to guilty verdicts in court.

The commissioner was being considered for a role dedicated to improving the off-field behaviour of footballers, and he pitched the app to the NRL while three of its players were under investigation for sexual assault. NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian blocked Fuller’s appointment, so the commissioner offered the App to the wider public.

“This App is perfect for the NRL, and ideal for the country in general,” Fuller announced.

“No woman in Australia will ever be raped again once this App is operational. If it can stop NRL players from raping women, it can stop anyone from raping women.”

Fuller then revealed secret features of the App which were to be included for NRL players, but will not be available to the general public.

“It would have been great, and it’s such a shame Gladys prevented me from working with the NRL,” he stated.

“Players could have customised the App according to the colours of their current team, and they could have downloaded the team’s mascot. There was a scoreboard for recording how many women they had ‘pulled’ on any given night, and a setting to rank the appearance of those women – just like the origins of Facebook. We were also designing a filter to make the women more attractive and allow players to boast to their teammates about their conquests.”

“What’s more, they could change the colour settings to blue or maroon during Origin season, and to their favoured national team during internationals. Of course, it also allowed women to consent to group sex, because no self-respecting rugby league player would ever have sex with a woman if he was not joined by one or more of his teammates.”

Fuller also explained that the App would have linked directly to sports betting Apps, and the various social media platforms which land professional footballers in trouble, and was equipped with video settings to allow players to make and distribute sex tapes. Designers of the App had been ordered to constantly upgrade its settings for footy players, to cater for anything from the mundane to the wildly kinky, including the ability to get consent from a dog.

Fuller himself told the media the iConsent App could be “the worst idea I have all year”, but it is still better than any suggestion from the prime minister. The Minister for Women has also been silent, as has the Attorney General, who can’t comment after taking sick leave since being accused of rape, infidelity, affairs with young staffers and general sleaziness.

Only time will tell if the App finds its way into the nation’s bedrooms. In the meantime, Fuller has devoted himself to his policing duties, and to completing his highly-anticipated eBook, Mick Fuller’s Complete Guide to Romance, Seduction and Foreplay.

Image: Ilan Dov

Dual currency system to operate in Australia.

~ Kieran Blake ~ Leave a comment

Australia will become the first nation in the world to force employers to pay female staff in a new currency called Pink Dollars when the system is implemented in the next financial year. Treasurer Josh Frydenberg announced the new scheme outside Parliament House in Canberra, just days after thousands of women protested against institutionalised gender inequality across the country.

“Australian women have spoken and we have listened,” boasted Frydenberg, who was flanked by Prime Minister Scott Morrison, and federal Minister for Women, Marise Payne.

“Pink Dollars will be used to pay female employees in every job, in every sector, throughout our great nation. The notes themselves will be pink on both sides, with the numerical value printed in the corner. Notes will carry images associated with women, like flowers, domestic appliances, pretty clothes, makeup, childcare etc,” he explained.

“Pink Dollars are an entirely new currency, which will operate alongside existing Australian dollars. The primary difference is that Pink Dollars will be permanently pegged at a certain rate to the Aussie dollar – one Pink Dollar will be worth 68 Australian cents.”

This will not alter the value of the Australian dollar, nor the wages of Australian men, according to the treasurer.

“Don’t worry fellas, we’re not touching your wallet. Men should never suffer whenever society changes for the sake of women,” he chuckled.

The treasurer then explained that while Pink Dollars will be used to pay women, they cannot be spent anywhere within Australia or overseas. Instead, women will have to collect their cash payment in person every fortnight before converting Pink Dollars to Australian dollars through government approved exchange bureaus. Only then will they have currency to spend on everyday living expenses.

“As of July 1, 2021, all Australian-registered employers must pay their female employees in Pink Dollars. We are announcing this new system today to give employers sufficient time to adapt their payroll procedures. We have also established a hotline within the Department of Finance to assist employers.”

Frydenberg was asked how the system will classify employees who identify in any way as gender fluid.

“What’s gender fluid?” he replied.

Minister Payne was also asked for her reaction, as the new currency will be paid to all female government employees, including the Minister for Women herself.

“I believe Pink Dollars will…”she began, before the prime minister interjected.

“Marise is very supportive of the introduction of Pink Dollars, as I’m sure all Australian women will be,” he said, before adding:

“Jen and the girls can’t wait to get their hands on some fresh new pink bank notes. They say the money matches the dresses they wear to church,” he smirked.

Frydenberg then reinforced this sentiment.

“Marise sees the economic benefit of this policy, for women and for Australia as a whole, and she cites it as yet further evidence that the Coalition excels at economic management.”

A boastful Frydenberg also expected Pink Dollars to be introduced to other nations.

“Mathias Cormann was instrumental in formulating the details of the scheme in its infancy, and he promises to use his influence to impose the policy on every member nation of the OECD.”

Australian women, meanwhile, have not been given the opportunity to respond to the policy announcement, but have been directed to a page of the government’s website entitled:

“Pink Dollars: Mansplained”

On this page, they will learn that their employers will soon be able to replace portions of their wages with pink flowers.

“Enthusiastic Newstart recipients will be on hand at local train stations to present women with pink flowers after a hard day at work.”

Image: istockphoto.com