Satire

Was it ScoMo or Hanson?

~ Kieran Blake ~ Leave a comment

Who is responsible, Scott Morrison or Pauline Hanson?

Which of these Australian politicians is responsible for the destruction of yet more Australian wildlife?

Morrison and Hanson both handled wombats in recent years and now a large proportion of the nation’s wombats suffer from mange. Coincidence?

Mange is one of the biggest killers of wombats. The mange mite buries itself under the wombat’s skin triggering extreme itchiness which makes the wombat scratch, causing open wounds and scabs to form.  These become infected, the wombat loses condition, becomes dehydrated, malnourished and slowly dies. The good news is, it can be treated.

The Wombat Protection Society of Australia is working to eliminate that threat. WPSA is a national non-profit organisation created to raise awareness and money in order to provide wombats with immediate protection from harm. WPSA enhances quality of life, funds projects that develop and protect suitable habitat, and provides sanctuaries for Australian wombats.

Mange is considered to be the major health issue impacting wombat welfare. It is caused by the parasitic mite sarcoptes scabiei, and the society has brought attention and action to this issue by encouraging and supporting research and collaboration in the treatment and prevention of mange in both free living and in-care wombats.

Wombat conservation occurs throughout Australia but is carried out almost exclusively by volunteers. Very little government funding is provided to wombat protection groups, and Morrison and Hanson could change this; Morrison especially. Instead, both politicians exploited wombats for photo opportunities instead of substantially increasing funding for their protection.

The One Nation leader posed for a bizarre photo with a distressed wombat while campaigning. She straddled it before appearing to knee it in the back in a move that’s not even legal in the NRL or Super Rugby. That wombat is likely to be suffering a lot more than mange.

Morrison appears extremely uncomfortable handling the wombat during his photo opp, but one can’t expect a man to offer empathy to an animal if he can’t even offer it to humans.

Morrison and Hanson attract an equal amount of suspicion. Both are populist leaders more capable of slogans and photo opportunities than actual policy formation or genuine action. Both utilise racism and the gullibility of semi-literate Australians to maintain their power, and both have a terrible track record on issues of environmental sustainability during their terms.

So who gave the mange to Australia’s lovable native animals?

Was it Scott Morrison or Pauline Hanson?

Images: AAP, ABC

Your Exclusive Guide to the Candidates for Wentworth.

~ Kieran Blake ~ Leave a comment

The joy and excitement of a federal election is upon us, and our letterboxes will soon overflow with messages and promises from candidates fighting to represent the good people of the Eastern Suburbs in the steam-cleaned halls of power.

The Beast used its exclusive access to sources within each campaign to put together this guide on what to look forward to until decision day.

Incumbent Dave Sharma remains our tremendous eastern representative. Turrramurra’s excellent ring-in used his teal emulating resume to boast of his truly enviable results in the HSC, and to distance himself from his own party.

Was the dependent independent distancing himself from the Coalition’s targeted electoral rorting or their toxic economic recovery which guarantees total environmental ruin? Was our Dave expunging from our minds Australia’s terrible extinction rates and Gladys’ treeless earth rampage, or his party’s efforts to tirelessly erase rape incidents occurring in the country’s erstwhile institutions?

Let’s not be too harsh on him though. Let’s cast our minds back to simpler times when the tragically erroneous romantic showed his tender, enduring respect for women by handing out tokenism epitomising roses.

But what of Dave’s opponents in the big dance?

Allegra Spender – Independent

Spender’s pamphlets will also lie on the blue spectrum and will cleverly differentiate her from other independents. Astute residents will notice a tendency to use upper case L throughout the Literature in recognition of the tradition of Wentworth. Before you accuse ALLegra of poor grammar though, remember that it also serves to differentiate her from our Dave.

Tim Murray – Labor

Murray’s pamphlet is still a blank piece of paper. He had initially opted for Labor red but feared accusations of communism from News Corp. Green was suggested until it was pointed out that Easts rugby fans maintain a healthy hatred of the Galloping Greens, before an eager volunteer suggested red and green to reflect the party’s policy stance and to appeal to Rabbitohs fans. Links to Anthony Albanese were then discussed, before a junior staffer suggested using black to further accentuate Albo’s weight loss. Ultimately, they will likely settle on grey to reflect the party’s convictions.

Dominic Wy Kanak – The Greens

The Greens are different. They will forego the traditional paper pamphlets, in order to avoid felling the remaining trees that Gladys didn’t prune before saying YES! They can’t afford a Tesla, so they will instead deliver messages with solar-powered red-winged parrots. Parrots that don’t get eaten by pet cats will deliver a policy outline painstakingly inscribed on the seaweed that washed up on our beaches during the recent storms. Residents are encouraged to reuse the seaweed. Sushi anyone?

Natalie Dumer – United Australia Party.

Dumer also did away with pamphlets. Instead, Clive Palmer’s loyal servant will erect huge yellow billboards on everyone’s lawn with promises as big as the billboards themselves; promises she’ll never have to keep.  The billboards will make historically-inaccurate claims that previous prime ministers belonged to the current UAP, and will launch attacks on the mainstream parties that are far more vitriolic than any satirical article. She will also vow to Save Australia…from someone or something.

Enjoy the ride and the democracy sausage!

Image: Aditya Joshi

First published in The Beast magazine, May 2022.

Our Tremendous Eastern Representative.

~ Kieran Blake ~ Leave a comment

Dave Sharma is our tremendous eastern representative, but how well do we really know him?

We recently discovered that he achieved truly enviable results in his HSC, but that was more than 25 years ago, and Dave’s kids are now closer to their HSC exams than he is. Boasting about a score of 100% is fine for about 6 months after year 12, but doing so in 2022 seems like a tawdry egotistical reminder.

To all of you kiddies out there who have no idea what this article is about, TER stands for Tertiary Entrance Rank, and this term was used in NSW instead of ‘ATAR’ in the olden days.

Dave’s exultation arrived in our letterboxes inside his teal emulating resume, which was strangely devoid of the Liberal party logo. Why did he choose to omit the logo?

Is it because of his party’s targeted electoral rorting?

Perhaps Dave is distancing himself from the Coalition’s total environmental ruin. He wants you to forget his fearless leader’s love affair with coal and the party’s determination to run coal-fired power stations for as long as possible. He wants you to forget the treeless earth rampage that earned Gladys the nickname Koala Killer, and to ignore his government’s ruling to remove project-specific approval under national environmental laws, which helps explain why Australia has the most inadequate climate policy among developed countries.

Official records indicate that our Dave and his colleagues also voted against efforts to reverse the terrible extinction rates of Australia’s native plants and animals.

Perhaps Turramurra’s excellent ring-in also wants you to forget his party’s plan for a toxic economic recovery from COVID-19, and the fact that he toed the party line on transferring entrapped refugees to the mainland for medical treatment.

The Liberal National Party has also been criticised for its treatment of Australian women. It has been suggested that some elements in the party have been tirelessly erasing rape incidents in parliament house from the minds of everyday Aussies, and that his own fearless leader reminded protesting women that they should be grateful they weren’t shot.

But let’s not be too harsh on our Dave. His tender, enduring respect for women was on full display at Bondi Junction station on International Women’s Day, but, alas, the tragically erroneous romantic was unfairly attacked for handing out tokenism epitomising roses. Poor Dave.

Dave was also there, alongside his LNP colleagues, when they formulated policies on funding cuts that made an Aussie tertiary education redundant, and he comprised the team which allocated peanuts to thespians, entertainers and roadies during the COVID-19 pandemic.

There’s no better time than now to pay tribute to our tremendous eastern representative.

Image: Citizen’s Climate Lobby Australia

First published, in part, in The Beast magazine, April 2022.

Australia’s brilliant plan to dominate world Rugby.

~ Kieran Blake ~ Leave a comment

Australia will win every Rugby Union World Cup and international game for eternity thanks to a masterful plan guaranteed to fill its teams with the world’s best talent.

Rugby Australia and the Australian government will force Pasifika people to desert their homelands and live in Australia, where they will have no choice but to play for the Wallabies and local Super Rugby teams if they wish to continue enjoying the game they play in heaven.

“We’ll drown their homes,” declared a spokesperson for the government and rugby authorities.

“We’ll continue to drive climate change which is raising sea levels and inundating low-lying Pacific Islands from which most of the world’s best Rugby Union players originate.”

The spokesperson then went on to congratulate Rugby Australia and the current LNP government for forcing so many players from countries such as Fiji, Samoa and Tonga to play for Australia and for Australian Super Rugby franchises.

Many Pasifika players grew up in Australia after their families were forced to seek greater opportunities in the land Down Under, either due to climate change or due to international trade and foreign policies. As residents of Australia, they cannot make these countries into rugby superpowers. The recent success of Tonga in Rugby League suggests these countries could dominate rugby union.

“Without our Pasifika players we would never win a game, at international level or representative level. That’s the reality of international rugby union,” continued the spokesperson.

“The beauty of this plan is that it’s so easy. We just have to continue doing what we’re doing. Keep burning and exporting coal, keep suppressing renewable energy and electric cars, and continue to be the country with the world’s largest per capita carbon footprint. We can simply continue massive land clearing and approving new coal seam gas and coal mines, because this all ensures that ice caps melt and flood low lying islands.”

“When ScoMo talked about a gas-led recovery, he wasn’t talking about the recovery of our economy, he was talking about the recovery of Australian rugby union.”

The plan will guarantee a steady supply of big, strong, fast, agile and skilful players into the Wallabies and Super Rugby teams, and will replace the students of private schools who traditionally played representative rugby in Australia. The same private school boys who become resource company employees and executives, kings of cattle, conservative politicians and directors of financial institutions which invest in fossil fuel companies.

Those behind the plan also hosed down suggestions that players with Pasifika heritage could still be eligible for Fiji, Samoa or Tonga courtesy of their ancestry,

“You can’t play for a country that’s underwater.”

Drowning Pacific Islands could also force many people to emigrate to New Zealand instead, but those behind the plan expressed little concern at this outcome, stating:

“The All Blacks don’t need any help.”

Image: Stephen Tremain

Have You Seen This Man?

~ Kieran Blake ~ Leave a comment

Authorities and welfare organisations are attempting to identify and locate a man seen wandering Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs pleading with local sporting clubs to become their no. 1 ticket holder.

The man is believed to have grown up in the region and is described as Caucasian, middle-aged, chubby and bespectacled, who is ‘…otherwise unremarkable aside from an affixed smirk which is equally arrogant and condescending”

The desperate man was first sighted in Bondi Junction wearing a Sydney Roosters jersey and baseball cap. Witnesses say he ordered a beer at Artie’s before approaching club bosses, muttering,

“How good are the Roosters!” and demanding to be made the club’s no.1 ticket holder for season 2022 and beyond.

The dejected figure was then seen in Kingsford a few hours later in cardinal and myrtle, claiming to be best friends with Rus. He ordered a beer at Henry Morris Bar and demanded to be made no.1 ticket holder of the Rabbitohs.

Stories of similar sightings throughout the East then emerged.

“Yeah, that’s the guy we saw a while ago,” confirmed club bosses at Randwick Rugby Union Club.

“Dressed in our jersey and scarf, ordered a beer and forced everyone to shake his hand. Kept saying; ‘How good are the galloping greens’ then said Campo’s gonna have a great season, and asked if the Ella brothers were all fit. We felt sorry for him until he demanded to be made no.1 ticket holder, then we showed him the door.”

Beasties stalwarts recounted their own tale of the listless wanderer.

“Seen some strange things at footy clubs, you know, boys will be boys, but this was bizarre. Decked out in full playing kit, even the shorts – not pretty – strolled into The Field and ordered a beer and insisted on meeting a board member. One of our execs decided to humour the poor guy, but when she introduced herself, he scoffed and demanded to meet a ‘real’ board member. That’s when our props did some lineout practice and dumped him on O’Sullivan Road.”

Authorities also received complaints about the unwelcome intruder from the Waratahs, Sydney Swans and Sydney FC, as well as Sydney Coastal Junior Cricket Club.

Sydney Coastal staff immediately contacted police after the man appeared at a junior competition saying,

“I know Dave Warner and Kaja, Kawi, Kijawa…you know, the foreign bloke.”

“We made it clear we want nothing to do with him – I mean, we’ve got kids at this club.”

Law enforcement and mental health experts have not identified a precise cause for the behaviour, which began in the lead up to the most recent federal election. Police are also investigating a possible link with an eerily similar case at Shark Park in early 2016.

Image: Craig Greenhill

First published in The Beast magazine, March 2022.

Waverley Council Launches the SITTY 2 Surf.

~ Kieran Blake ~ Leave a comment

Waverley Council has paired up with Randwick Council to launch the SITTY 2 Surf initiative and guarantee uncrowded waves to the surfers of the Eastern beaches.

SITTY 2 Surf actively promotes a burgeoning trend sweeping Australia’s eastern seaboard. Beautiful young things don their favourite bikini, boardies or wetsuit, and carry their surfboard to the beach, before taking myriad selfies and posting to Snapchat, Instagram, Tik Tok or Youtube (SITTY), without ever dipping a toe in the water. SITTY Surfers merely exploit the image of surfing to attract and impress online followers.

“SITTY2Surf is an exciting initiative through which both councils will keep SITTY Surfers out of the water,” began a joint statement.

“It addresses the scourge of overcrowded waves, which is an unfortunate side-effect of living in paradise, and it works in the following way.”

“Councils have installed fibre-to-the-shore superfast broadband at surf beaches for real time uploads, encouraging SITTY Surfers to pose anywhere on the shoreline, except between the red and yellow flags. In addition, cloud seeding will ensure endless blue-sky days, and the water will be treated with a bright blue dye like the ponds at fancy golf courses, to create the ultimate backdrop.”

“Trucks will start delivering sugar-white sand from Hyams Beach, and giant fans will be installed at surfing beaches to create wind-blown hair. They also offer the added bonus of providing permanent offshore winds.”

Keeping SITTY Surfers on the sand reduces the likelihood of surf rage and has been established to coincide with the reopening of Australia’s borders, which is sure to lure hordes of international surfers back to beaches such as Bondi.

Council also explained that a team of stylists, makeup artists and brand consultants will be on hand at every beach except Clovelly and Coogee to prettify the Bondi beauties and the smooth-chested Cariocas from the land of Samba. As a result, the only people left in the water will be crusty old men on longboards, bodysurfers, and those of us who long ago accepted that we are not Instaworthy.

SITTY Surfers can use the SITTY2Surf App to check who currently has the most followers and wins priority to the best patch of sand. The app will also carry a daily list of trending hashtags, as well as advice on who we must StandWith on any given day.

Via the app, councils will also have the power to remove followers from the accounts of any SITTY Surfer caught entering the water and actually surfing a wave.

“In this way, SITTY 2 Surf will be more effective than a threat from a Bra Boy, and will deter more surfers than a beach full of blue bottles.

First published in The Beast magazine, April 2022.

Sydney Boys High School becomes a trade school.

~ Kieran Blake ~ Leave a comment

Sydney Boys High School will become a trade school in honour of old-boy Scott Morrison and his endless attempts to be a tradie.

The academically-selective school in Sydney will now be known as Moore Park Boys Heteronormative Pentecostal Vocational Learning Centre (MPBHPVLC), and will teach only vocational courses.

Boys will no longer study Extension Maths or English, nor French continuers, Economics or Physics, and must instead study for careers which Morrison has pretended to do while prime minister.

Courses will be offered in hairdressing, welding and forklift driving, and any other career involving hi-vis and a hard hat. A military cadet unit has also been established and will teach boys how to stand menacingly over a map like a Field Marshal.

Another major change to the school is the introduction of religion. The heteronormative students will pray between every lesson and will start the day with the Lord’s prayer. Chaplains will replace school counsellors and Economics classes will make way for lectures on tax avoidance and attracting government subsidies.

Sydney Boys High School thus becomes the first academically-selective school to convert to vocational education and its fate will be closely monitored by Morrison’s alma mater UNSW, as it considers whether to rename itself Kensington Tech.

One subject that will remain at MPBHPVLC is politics, so that boys can pretend to be prime minister, something Morrison has been doing since 2018.

Image: Element5Digital

Amendments to laws governing public spaces in the Eastern Suburbs.

~ Kieran Blake ~ Leave a comment

The failure of Waverley Council to enforce the laws which prohibit dogs from entering Mackenzies Bay has led to the relaxation of a raft of other laws pertaining to communal spaces in the Eastern Suburbs.

Dogs are prohibited from entering Mackenzies Bay, yet scores of dogs are seen running freely across the rock pools on a daily basis while their owners swim, sunbake and relax at the tiny beach. A petition was recently lodged with Waverley Council demanding legal access for dogs, but was rejected. The beach remains off limits to dogs, but council is neglecting to enforce its own laws.

One major justification for the petition was that dog owners had been breaking the rules and taking their dogs to the off-limit area for years anyway, so it might as well be legalised. Based on this rationale, a host of other local laws have now been amended:

Fibreglass surf craft are now permitted between the flags at Bondi, Tamarama and Bronte beaches.

Construction debris from renovations can now be dumped in the ocean, and power tools can be used 7 days a week, 24 hours a day.

Residue from meth production can be dumped in local bays and beaches.

Dog owners are no longer required to pick up after their dogs – anywhere.

4wd vehicles and trail bikes are now granted access to all local beaches.

Campervans, backpackers and grey nomads can camp overnight in public carparks and beside beaches.

Parking of private cars is allowed in bus stops and ambulance bays, and in front of hospitals, police stations, post offices, surf clubs, schools…

Mountain biking is encouraged anywhere in Centennial Park.

All beaches and bays are open to line fishing and fishing with explosives.

Alcohol can be consumed in parks, beaches, playgrounds and other public spaces at any time of the day or night, any day of the year.

Fireworks are legal again, every day of the year.

Compliance with any COVID-19 pandemic law is optional.

Burning off will become the acceptable method of disposing of all household waste.

Nude sun bathing is now legal at all local beaches, as long as bathers have tattoos and use sun block. Bathers of any age, gender and body shape are encouraged to swap their bathing suit for their birthday suit.

Spear fishing is permitted at all municipal bays and beaches. Consequently, Randwick Council will allow spear fishers to hunt blue groupers at Clovelly Beach.

Private school students are now allowed to spit on homeless people, defecate on trains and have sex in public places.

Development Applications are now a historical relic.

The relaxation of the aforementioned laws comes into effect immediately.

Image: http://www.frugalfrolicker.com

First published in The Beast magazine, March 2022.

ACT Brumbies make controversial announcement.

~ Kieran Blake ~ Leave a comment

The ACT Brumbies Super Rugby team has shocked the rugby world after deciding to change its name to the ACT Feral Horses. The club made the sudden call after realising that the word Brumby romanticises one of the most destructive feral animals in Australia.

“The ACT Super Rugby franchise will now be known as the ACT Feral Horses,” began a statement from the club.

“The word Brumby carries a romanticised ideal of a destructive feral pest which is causing enormous damage to Australia’s environment, especially in the alpine national parks which lie just a short drive from the ACT. For that reason, the club has decided to apply a name which more accurately depicts our mascot.”

Conservationists and scientists throughout Australia have long been calling for the eradication of feral horses from alpine regions, especially the NSW section of Kosciuszko National Park. However, strong lobbying from a small group of conservative politicians, farmers and people running horse-related businesses in the park has succeeded in preventing the eradication.

“When the ACT Super Rugby franchise was established in 1996, we were unaware of the harm Brumbies were causing to the natural environment. We only knew of the Brumby as a tough, rugged, free-spirited, resilient animal, whose attributes reflected the attributes we want in our own players.

However, we now know they are causing the destruction of areas which many of our players, officials and supporters love to visit. The snowy mountains are just a short drive from the ACT and many within the ACT rugby family want to see these areas protected.”

The name change also means that a percentage of ticket sales, membership and merchandise sales will be donated to organisations working to eradicate the feral horses.

Fans erupted on social media at the news.

Some slammed the club for pandering to the wishes of bleeding heart greenies and saw the move as excessive political correctness. Many denied the claims of environmentalists about the extent of the damage feral horses are causing the alpine regions, and said they ‘reject the science’.

One feared the club would simply become known as the ‘Ferals’, to which another supporter replied:

“Well, have you seen what goes on at rugby clubs?”

A number of members threatened to cancel their membership, and one went as far as saying he would now support the Waratahs.

In contrast, various members and supporters endorsed the change, arguing that naming a mascot after a destructive pest helps to create an unrealistic image of the horses, which are the only feral species in Australia which is protected by law. Other supporters said the team could always choose another animal as its mascot, and that protecting the national park was more important than giving a football team a nice name.

The club also explained that it would consider changing its name back to the ACT Brumbies once every single feral horse is removed from the park.

“This would allow us to acknowledge one small piece of Australian history, and to honour the remaining animals which are able to be rehomed on private properties where they can live out their lives in peace.”

Image: Sitthixay Ditthavong

Discovery of Banjo Paterson’s lost poems leads to major policy shift.

~ Kieran Blake ~ Leave a comment

The discovery of Banjo Paterson’s lost poems has prompted an overhaul of New South Wales government policy on invasive species and land management.

Archivists recently stumbled upon a host of previously unknown texts from the beloved Australian poet, who grew up in regional NSW, but wrote many of his works about life on the land while living in Woollahra, Sydney.

Paterson’s famous poem, The Man from Snowy River, is often cited when justifying the protection of feral horses in Australia’s alpine national parks and to argue against conservationists who are demanding a cull due to the destruction of the high country ecosystem.

The NSW government has afforded the feral horses more protection than the Victorian government on the other side of the ranges, and horse numbers have exploded in recent years, as has their trail of destruction. Countless ministers have drawn support from feral horse lovers who argue the horses are an integral part of Australian heritage, as expressed in The Man from Snowy River.

For this reason, the discovery of Paterson’s other poem’s will see more feral animals afforded the same protection.

Run Randy Rabbit!

A heartwarming poem about a cute little bunny who outruns farmers after destroying all of their crops. Rabbits will now be protected throughout NSW. It is illegal to kill any feral rabbit, anywhere in the state. Efforts will be made to humanely rehome every feral rabbit.

How Nice Are Mice!

An alternative representation of the much-maligned pest. As a result, mice are a protected species throughout NSW, and every mouse which comprises the current mouse plague throughout NSW will be humanely rehomed.

Another famous Paterson poem is Waltzing Matilda. This has been subject to a revisionist reading, and as a result, the government has declared it illegal to kill sheep or lambs, and to consume this meat anywhere in New South Wales. Discussions continue regarding the legality of sheering sheep for wool.

Paterson wrote a sister poem to his famous tale about sheep theft, and it is called Moulting Ma’ Killer, about a loveable cat which kills countless native Aussie animals every day, before returning to the loving embrace of its owner beside the hearth. Law makers have now axed programs to eradicate feral cats and control stray and pet cats. Every feral and stray cat will be free to roam night and day.

The treasure trove of hidden poems also included works from many more Australian poets writing about other feral animals. While researchers continue the painstaking task of matching the delicate and faded documents with their respective authors, their discovery has already reversed invasive species laws throughout the nation.

One poem is called That Bloke from Humpty Doo. It glorifies the humble cane toad, and it is therefore illegal to kill cane toads anywhere in Australia. Official policy is to humanely rehome every cane toad in Australia.

The Poor Man’s Bass depicts a typical Aussie battler trying desperately to feed his young family with carp after failing to land a bass in Australia’s regional rivers. The heartbreaking poem won protection for carp throughout Australia.

Other poems romanticise animals such as the fox, donkey, camel, wild pig, wild dog, buffalo, deer and goat, and all of these animals are now protected as part of the massive policy overhaul. Severe punishment awaits anyone who is caught attempting to harm feral horses or mice, rabbits, cane toads, cats, foxes, carp, cane toads, donkeys, camels, wild pigs, wild dogs, buffalo, deer or goats

Images: Jae Park, Daniel Fazio, Big Game Australia, Melbourne Press Club.