Scott Morrison finally gets what he wants.

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has finally been accepted as a real tradie after being exposed in a segment on A Current Affair.

Morrison was left floundering during an interview with host Tracey Grimshaw on a program which devotes itself to exposing dodgy tradies, repairmen and other occupations that Scott has imitated since becoming prime minister.

Viewers of A Current Affair watched Morrison suffer a ‘brutal takedown’ during the interview with Grimshaw, which aired on a channel which has been very sympathetic to the prime minister since he came to power. It came about the same time that Morrison rudely dismissed a journalist’s question as to why he has not appeared on NITV, the national Indigenous network, during the election campaign.

A Current Affair follows the formula of any modern commercial current affairs program. It runs countless stories exposing small-time cheats and scammers such as dodgy tradies, fridge repairmen, loan sharks, lawyers or small businesses, instead of pursuing big time cheaters such as political doners or the politicians themselves. It goes after very easy targets. If it does run stories on politicians, it is likely to be an ‘expose’ of a local council’s failure to repair a few potholes.

A Current Affair is nowhere near ‘investigative journalism’, and yet Morrison couldn’t even survive an interview on a show of this nature.

Ironically, Morrison has now been reduced to the status of the people he has been imitating in endless photo opportunities since coming to power. He has pretended to weld, drive trucks, use military hardware, bake, pour beer, build a cubbyhouse, run water for a football team and even wash a woman’s hair in a salon.

If only A Current Affair and its counterparts would run a story exposing his failure to be prime minister.

Image: Getty Images

Was it ScoMo or Hanson?

Who is responsible, Scott Morrison or Pauline Hanson?

Which of these Australian politicians is responsible for the destruction of yet more Australian wildlife?

Morrison and Hanson both handled wombats in recent years and now a large proportion of the nation’s wombats suffer from mange. Coincidence?

Mange is one of the biggest killers of wombats. The mange mite buries itself under the wombat’s skin triggering extreme itchiness which makes the wombat scratch, causing open wounds and scabs to form.  These become infected, the wombat loses condition, becomes dehydrated, malnourished and slowly dies. The good news is, it can be treated.

The Wombat Protection Society of Australia is working to eliminate that threat. WPSA is a national non-profit organisation created to raise awareness and money in order to provide wombats with immediate protection from harm. WPSA enhances quality of life, funds projects that develop and protect suitable habitat, and provides sanctuaries for Australian wombats.

Mange is considered to be the major health issue impacting wombat welfare. It is caused by the parasitic mite sarcoptes scabiei, and the society has brought attention and action to this issue by encouraging and supporting research and collaboration in the treatment and prevention of mange in both free living and in-care wombats.

Wombat conservation occurs throughout Australia but is carried out almost exclusively by volunteers. Very little government funding is provided to wombat protection groups, and Morrison and Hanson could change this; Morrison especially. Instead, both politicians exploited wombats for photo opportunities instead of substantially increasing funding for their protection.

The One Nation leader posed for a bizarre photo with a distressed wombat while campaigning. She straddled it before appearing to knee it in the back in a move that’s not even legal in the NRL or Super Rugby. That wombat is likely to be suffering a lot more than mange.

Morrison appears extremely uncomfortable handling the wombat during his photo opp, but one can’t expect a man to offer empathy to an animal if he can’t even offer it to humans.

Morrison and Hanson attract an equal amount of suspicion. Both are populist leaders more capable of slogans and photo opportunities than actual policy formation or genuine action. Both utilise racism and the gullibility of semi-literate Australians to maintain their power, and both have a terrible track record on issues of environmental sustainability during their terms.

So who gave the mange to Australia’s lovable native animals?

Was it Scott Morrison or Pauline Hanson?

Images: AAP, ABC

Your Exclusive Guide to the Candidates for Wentworth.

The joy and excitement of a federal election is upon us, and our letterboxes will soon overflow with messages and promises from candidates fighting to represent the good people of the Eastern Suburbs in the steam-cleaned halls of power.

The Beast used its exclusive access to sources within each campaign to put together this guide on what to look forward to until decision day.

Incumbent Dave Sharma remains our tremendous eastern representative. Turrramurra’s excellent ring-in used his teal emulating resume to boast of his truly enviable results in the HSC, and to distance himself from his own party.

Was the dependent independent distancing himself from the Coalition’s targeted electoral rorting or their toxic economic recovery which guarantees total environmental ruin? Was our Dave expunging from our minds Australia’s terrible extinction rates and Gladys’ treeless earth rampage, or his party’s efforts to tirelessly erase rape incidents occurring in the country’s erstwhile institutions?

Let’s not be too harsh on him though. Let’s cast our minds back to simpler times when the tragically erroneous romantic showed his tender, enduring respect for women by handing out tokenism epitomising roses.

But what of Dave’s opponents in the big dance?

Allegra Spender – Independent

Spender’s pamphlets will also lie on the blue spectrum and will cleverly differentiate her from other independents. Astute residents will notice a tendency to use upper case L throughout the Literature in recognition of the tradition of Wentworth. Before you accuse ALLegra of poor grammar though, remember that it also serves to differentiate her from our Dave.

Tim Murray – Labor

Murray’s pamphlet is still a blank piece of paper. He had initially opted for Labor red but feared accusations of communism from News Corp. Green was suggested until it was pointed out that Easts rugby fans maintain a healthy hatred of the Galloping Greens, before an eager volunteer suggested red and green to reflect the party’s policy stance and to appeal to Rabbitohs fans. Links to Anthony Albanese were then discussed, before a junior staffer suggested using black to further accentuate Albo’s weight loss. Ultimately, they will likely settle on grey to reflect the party’s convictions.

Dominic Wy Kanak – The Greens

The Greens are different. They will forego the traditional paper pamphlets, in order to avoid felling the remaining trees that Gladys didn’t prune before saying YES! They can’t afford a Tesla, so they will instead deliver messages with solar-powered red-winged parrots. Parrots that don’t get eaten by pet cats will deliver a policy outline painstakingly inscribed on the seaweed that washed up on our beaches during the recent storms. Residents are encouraged to reuse the seaweed. Sushi anyone?

Natalie Dumer – United Australia Party.

Dumer also did away with pamphlets. Instead, Clive Palmer’s loyal servant will erect huge yellow billboards on everyone’s lawn with promises as big as the billboards themselves; promises she’ll never have to keep.  The billboards will make historically-inaccurate claims that previous prime ministers belonged to the current UAP, and will launch attacks on the mainstream parties that are far more vitriolic than any satirical article. She will also vow to Save Australia…from someone or something.

Enjoy the ride and the democracy sausage!

Image: Aditya Joshi

First published in The Beast magazine, May 2022.

Our Tremendous Eastern Representative.

Dave Sharma is our tremendous eastern representative, but how well do we really know him?

We recently discovered that he achieved truly enviable results in his HSC, but that was more than 25 years ago, and Dave’s kids are now closer to their HSC exams than he is. Boasting about a score of 100% is fine for about 6 months after year 12, but doing so in 2022 seems like a tawdry egotistical reminder.

To all of you kiddies out there who have no idea what this article is about, TER stands for Tertiary Entrance Rank, and this term was used in NSW instead of ‘ATAR’ in the olden days.

Dave’s exultation arrived in our letterboxes inside his teal emulating resume, which was strangely devoid of the Liberal party logo. Why did he choose to omit the logo?

Is it because of his party’s targeted electoral rorting?

Perhaps Dave is distancing himself from the Coalition’s total environmental ruin. He wants you to forget his fearless leader’s love affair with coal and the party’s determination to run coal-fired power stations for as long as possible. He wants you to forget the treeless earth rampage that earned Gladys the nickname Koala Killer, and to ignore his government’s ruling to remove project-specific approval under national environmental laws, which helps explain why Australia has the most inadequate climate policy among developed countries.

Official records indicate that our Dave and his colleagues also voted against efforts to reverse the terrible extinction rates of Australia’s native plants and animals.

Perhaps Turramurra’s excellent ring-in also wants you to forget his party’s plan for a toxic economic recovery from COVID-19, and the fact that he toed the party line on transferring entrapped refugees to the mainland for medical treatment.

The Liberal National Party has also been criticised for its treatment of Australian women. It has been suggested that some elements in the party have been tirelessly erasing rape incidents in parliament house from the minds of everyday Aussies, and that his own fearless leader reminded protesting women that they should be grateful they weren’t shot.

But let’s not be too harsh on our Dave. His tender, enduring respect for women was on full display at Bondi Junction station on International Women’s Day, but, alas, the tragically erroneous romantic was unfairly attacked for handing out tokenism epitomising roses. Poor Dave.

Dave was also there, alongside his LNP colleagues, when they formulated policies on funding cuts that made an Aussie tertiary education redundant, and he comprised the team which allocated peanuts to thespians, entertainers and roadies during the COVID-19 pandemic.

There’s no better time than now to pay tribute to our tremendous eastern representative.

Image: Citizen’s Climate Lobby Australia

First published, in part, in The Beast magazine, April 2022.

Have You Seen This Man?

Authorities and welfare organisations are attempting to identify and locate a man seen wandering Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs pleading with local sporting clubs to become their no. 1 ticket holder.

The man is believed to have grown up in the region and is described as Caucasian, middle-aged, chubby and bespectacled, who is ‘…otherwise unremarkable aside from an affixed smirk which is equally arrogant and condescending”

The desperate man was first sighted in Bondi Junction wearing a Sydney Roosters jersey and baseball cap. Witnesses say he ordered a beer at Artie’s before approaching club bosses, muttering,

“How good are the Roosters!” and demanding to be made the club’s no.1 ticket holder for season 2022 and beyond.

The dejected figure was then seen in Kingsford a few hours later in cardinal and myrtle, claiming to be best friends with Rus. He ordered a beer at Henry Morris Bar and demanded to be made no.1 ticket holder of the Rabbitohs.

Stories of similar sightings throughout the East then emerged.

“Yeah, that’s the guy we saw a while ago,” confirmed club bosses at Randwick Rugby Union Club.

“Dressed in our jersey and scarf, ordered a beer and forced everyone to shake his hand. Kept saying; ‘How good are the galloping greens’ then said Campo’s gonna have a great season, and asked if the Ella brothers were all fit. We felt sorry for him until he demanded to be made no.1 ticket holder, then we showed him the door.”

Beasties stalwarts recounted their own tale of the listless wanderer.

“Seen some strange things at footy clubs, you know, boys will be boys, but this was bizarre. Decked out in full playing kit, even the shorts – not pretty – strolled into The Field and ordered a beer and insisted on meeting a board member. One of our execs decided to humour the poor guy, but when she introduced herself, he scoffed and demanded to meet a ‘real’ board member. That’s when our props did some lineout practice and dumped him on O’Sullivan Road.”

Authorities also received complaints about the unwelcome intruder from the Waratahs, Sydney Swans and Sydney FC, as well as Sydney Coastal Junior Cricket Club.

Sydney Coastal staff immediately contacted police after the man appeared at a junior competition saying,

“I know Dave Warner and Kaja, Kawi, Kijawa…you know, the foreign bloke.”

“We made it clear we want nothing to do with him – I mean, we’ve got kids at this club.”

Law enforcement and mental health experts have not identified a precise cause for the behaviour, which began in the lead up to the most recent federal election. Police are also investigating a possible link with an eerily similar case at Shark Park in early 2016.

Image: Craig Greenhill

First published in The Beast magazine, March 2022.

Scott Morrison faces yet another attack.

Embattled Prime Minister Scott Morrison is under more pressure after an online petition was launched to remove him as no.1 ticket holder of the Cronulla Sharks rugby league team.

The petition is called New no.1 Sharks fan and is yet another sign that the leader of Australia is becoming less and less popular with the public, just as he is poised to announce a federal election.

Morrison has been no. 1 ticket holder of the club since 2016 and is a familiar sight at home games at Shark Park. He often appears in team colours during photo opportunities and has made himself so synonymous with the region that he earned the nickname LiarFromTheShire.

The petition is proposing that Morrison be removed from the role for a number of reasons. It claims that he is an imposter because he grew up in the Eastern Suburbs and only started supporting the club after moving to The Shire. It also claims that changing a footy team halfway through life is ‘UnAustralian’ and that he should be replaced in the role by someone who has a proven link to the club and has contributed meaningfully.

The petition is currently collecting signatures from the Australian public and will reportedly be sent to the Sharks if it attracts enough interest. Club bosses will then be asked to put the proposal to a vote, and let registered members decide if Morrison stays or goes.

Image: Craig Greenhill

Sydney Boys High School becomes a trade school.

Sydney Boys High School will become a trade school in honour of old-boy Scott Morrison and his endless attempts to be a tradie.

The academically-selective school in Sydney will now be known as Moore Park Boys Heteronormative Pentecostal Vocational Learning Centre (MPBHPVLC), and will teach only vocational courses.

Boys will no longer study Extension Maths or English, nor French continuers, Economics or Physics, and must instead study for careers which Morrison has pretended to do while prime minister.

Courses will be offered in hairdressing, welding and forklift driving, and any other career involving hi-vis and a hard hat. A military cadet unit has also been established and will teach boys how to stand menacingly over a map like a Field Marshal.

Another major change to the school is the introduction of religion. The heteronormative students will pray between every lesson and will start the day with the Lord’s prayer. Chaplains will replace school counsellors and Economics classes will make way for lectures on tax avoidance and attracting government subsidies.

Sydney Boys High School thus becomes the first academically-selective school to convert to vocational education and its fate will be closely monitored by Morrison’s alma mater UNSW, as it considers whether to rename itself Kensington Tech.

One subject that will remain at MPBHPVLC is politics, so that boys can pretend to be prime minister, something Morrison has been doing since 2018.

Image: Element5Digital

Parliament or Prison? The new Aussie family boardgame.

Gather the whole family for the most exciting boardgame to hit your loungeroom, and celebrate the impending federal election with Parliament or Prison?

Pick a card and read the real life scenarios of atrocious behaviour in Australian society, before deciding whether the offender is in parliament or in prison.

You might be horrified by the answer – but that’s what makes this game so captivating!

Play it in teams or as an individual, and find out which of your friends or relatives can guess the most correct answers and be declared the winner. Every time you answer a question correctly, you move up one seat from the back bench, and the winner is the first player to be elected ‘Prime Minister’.

Get yourself in gear for the next federal election by guessing the fate of the people involved in the following scenarios:

Where is the man who was accused of raping a young woman during a debating competition? Is he in prison?

What about the person/people who covered up the alleged rape of a younger staffer in parliament house, Canberra? Are they behind bars or running the country?

What happened to the person caught smoking marijuana?

What happened to the people who cut $14 million from the national audit office, after that office discovered substantial improprieties and wasteful spending (such as the sports rorts). Are they in prison or in parliament?

What is the fate of the person legally seeking asylum in Australia?

Where is the person responsible for paying 10 times too much for land for the new Sydney airport? 

Who voted against a binding code of conduct designed to ensure politicians act with integrity, and prevented parliament from debating whether to set up a National Integrity Commission? Where are they now?

Where is the young man caught drunk in public, driving without a licence and shoplifting?

What about those who gave $345,000 to News Corp to build a spelling bee website, handing the excessive amount of cash to a company whose industry is neither website building nor education. Are they in prison or in power?

Who loosened political donation laws, and who ignored a ruling of the Administrative Appeals Tribunal? Are they running an undercover racket in prison, or looking forward to a fat parliamentary pension?

What happened to the man who forced a young female bushfire victim to shake his hand?

Where is the Labor politician who admitted to taking huge bribes from shady Chinese businessmen?

What about the independent politicians caught trying to sell Australia to the US gun lobby?

Who let Aged Care descend into a cruel, heartless, dangerous shambles? Is he is parliament, in prison, or at the cricket?

Parliament or Prison? is like Game of Knowledge or Trivial Pursuit, but with much greater real life consequences.

This fun, informative and educational game will enthrall, entertain and shock every Australian. Marvel at the grossly corrupt and unethical behaviour of our nation’s leaders, and contemplate why they are not in prison. Conversely, find out what kind of crimes land people in prison, and ponder why they are not in parliament.

Play the games with your kids to help them understand why their planet is burning.

Invite some millenials over for a game and show them why they’ll never be able to buy a house, no matter how much smashed avo they forego.

Play with your favourite Baby Boomers and scare them out of even considering an Aged Care facility.

Parliament or Prison?

Buy it in toy stores or online for $24.95, or get a personally-signed copy from your favourite politician for only $150,000.

Image: Markus Winkler

How to beat the Liberals and the Loonies.

The Liberal National Party could be removed from government at the next federal election if all Australians were required to be double vaccinated in order to enter a polling booth.

Currently this is not the case. At the recent local government elections, voters were allowed to enter polling booths without showing proof of vaccination. If voters were required to show proof of vaccination, or proof of legitimate exemption, this would prohibit many people from voting and cost the Liberal National Party (LNP) many votes.

Do loonies vote Liberal?

Not necessarily. But anti-vaxxers and anti-lockdown protestors are more likely to vote for the loonie parties upon which the LNP relies. The Coalition accepts preferences from many of the fringe parties and rely on these preferences in order to win elections at state and federal level.

Political analysts tell us that the Coalition won the unwinnable federal election in 2019 thanks largely to the preferences from Clive Palmer’s United Australia Party (UAP) in Queensland. Palmer is one of the loonies challenging pandemic laws and has recruited Craig Kelly from the Coalition. Kelly is a famous opponent of vaccines, vaccine mandates and other pandemic-related rules, and is the most high profile candidate in the UAP. Ironically, if Kelly attracts many votes, he could help his former party to win the election.

Pauline Hanson’s One Nation Party has also sided with those opposing pandemic laws and some of her candidates direct their preferences to the LNP. Consequently, Scott Morrison has failed to publicly and unequivocally condemn anti-lockdown and anti-vaxxer protests because his operatives know that his party needs their vote.

At the recent local government elections, one voter was overheard commenting,

“You can’t get into a cafe without proof of vaccination, but you can get into a polling booth.”

Why is this?

If an unvaccinated person can spread COVID-19 in a cafe, surely they can spread COVID-19 in a polling booth. This presents a significant medical risk in a country in which voting is compulsory. Some voters could be immunocompromised and thus face the risk of contracting COVID-19, or being issued with a fine if they don’t vote.

They can vote online.

Yes, the loonies could vote online. Australians can register for ivote and the anti-vaxxers could still vote for the fringe parties via online voting. This, however, requires voters to take the initiative and complete this process well in advance of the upcoming election. If the loonies don’t vote at all, without a legitimate exemption, they would be issued with a fine in accordance with Australian law. Perhaps the threat of a significant fine would convince some people to get jabbed.

Is it lawful?

I don’t know. I’m not a lawyer or an expert in constitutional law. However, news from around the world suggest that other countries have prohibited unvaccinated people from entering certain places or enjoying certain rights that are available to vaccinated people. Thus, it should be possible to act according to the same principles in Australia. If loonies can vote online, they are not technically being denied the right to vote in a democratic country.

A dangerous precedent?

Have the local government elections established a dangerous precedent? When people find out that unvaccinated people were allowed into polling booths, will they demand access to other indoor spaces which currently require proof of vaccination? Many business owners publicly stated their intention to reject the ruling and to allow everyone to enter their premises whether vaccinated or not. If these owners cited the polling booth example, surely they would have a case…

Therefore, if people make a conscious choice not to get vaccinated against COVID-19, should they be prevented from entering a polling booth? And, if so, would this harm the LNP which relies heavily on the preferences of the fringe parties which are likely to attract the anti-vaxxer vote?

Will it happen?

Probably not. The people who would make this law are the very people who rely on the loonie vote for their political survival.

We could change the law, or we could allow double vaccinated people to vote twice.

Image: Darren England

Tim Paine in high demand after sexting scandal.

Scott Morrison and Clive Palmer are locked in an epic battle to secure the services of Tim Paine after the cricketer was recently sacked for sexting. The prime minister and the leader of the United Australia Party are desperate for the former national captain to run as a candidate for their respective political parties at the next federal election.

“Tim is perfect for contemporary Australian politics,” announced Morrison as he pitched the Coalition to Paine.

“He is adept at scandalous sexting and mistreating women. Furthermore, he managed to keep it hidden for so many years and this is what impressed us the most. He epitomises the behaviour of the modern Liberal Party member, and he is a sporting hero, so Australians will support him no matter what he does.”

Paine was recently sacked as captain of the Australian test cricket team, which is a more important position than that of prime minister according to many Australians. He was caught sexting lewd, consensual messages to a female administrative colleague – before he was made national captain, but while he was married. Ironically, he was appointed captain due to his clean-cut public image, after the ‘sandpapergate’ scandal resulted in the sacking of the previous captain Steve Smith.

Palmer, the leader of the influential fringe party, believes Paine is better suited to his party.

“Tim’s a great Aussie. He’s a great cricketer, he’s a patriot, he wore the baggy green and he loves his country – and that’s what the UAP is all about. We’re making Australia great again and that’s what Tim did. He improved Australia’s international reputation. It was just a bit of harmless flirting on his phone, just like Warney did – and Warney’s a national hero as well.”

“People say my party’s just a bunch of crazy misfits – but Tim will fit right in here. Plus, if he’s caught mistreating women and sexting as a politician, he won’t be sacked, he’ll be promoted.”

Morrison went on to say that Paine should join the LNP because they can actually form government, before Palmer reminded Morrison that it was the UAP which greatly assisted Morrison to win the unwinnable election in 2019.

“Without me, ScoMo’s nothing,” Palmer declared.

Morrison then reminded Palmer that almost every member of the current LNP government has been involved in some form of corruption or scandalous behaviour, and not one of them has been dismissed, so Paine will be protected.

Paine has so far declined to comment on the offers as he has switched off his phone. Rumours also persist that he has received offers from Pauline Hanson’s One Nation Party and Bob Katter.

Image: Getty Images