Australia withdraws from Eurovision Song Contest.

Fans of Australian music are distraught after waking to the news that the country will no longer participate in the enormously popular Eurovision Song Contest. The country’s nominated contestant, Montaigne, has been officially withdrawn from the 2021 edition, and the government has steadfastly refused to sanction the participation of any other singer in the international extravaganza at any time in the future.

In the face of scathing criticism across social media platforms, Minister for Communications, Cyber Safety and the Arts, Paul Fletcher, justified his government’s shock decision.

“Australia contributes so little to the overall voting tally of the Eurovision Song Contest every year that there is no point us taking part. We have never won the event so we should leave it to countries who have won the event and who collect more votes to take responsibility for the survival of the competition.”

Average Australians and music devotees slammed these comments.

“The Australian government is blatantly ignoring the evidence,” claimed one outraged fan. “Dami Im finished second in 2016 and we’ve had three more top 10 finishes – look at the facts Minister!”

Other comments were just as negative:

“We may have a smaller population, but we actually got a lot more votes than bigger nations…open your eyes Fletcher!”

“Absolute disgrace – makes me ashamed to be an Aussie”

” gov totally out of touch with Aussies. They must go!”

“Lame excuse. Lame decision. Lame govt”

“Wake up to the modern world – or get out of government”

Experts also fear that if Australia does not embrace the contest, it will become an international pariah and that this could impact negatively on so many aspects of daily life in the country.

Minister Fletcher thanked the organisers of the event for inviting Australia into the competition in 2015, but explained that the land Down Under no longer shared the values of the majority of European nations.

“Most of these countries are transitioning to modern technology with a whole host of new devices which can create and share music, but we in Australia will continue to rely on devices like cassette tapes and CD players.”

“We will not be pressured by outsiders, or even by citizens in our own country, to embrace any of this new technology – nor will be brainwashed into thinking that this technology represents the future. Even if Australia is the only country in the world using cassette tapes in the near future – we will continue to use cassette tapes.”

Minister Fletcher also explained that the decision supported his party’s policy of allocating only minimal funding to Arts and Entertainment.

“We believe this money could be better spent on a CD deck in a mining truck, or a juke box in the break room of a coal seam gas site.”

Image:www.eurovisionworld.com

This Land…

Darkness enveloped the land.

A depressing grey pall hung heavily over the land and fomented despicable violence which entrenched anger, frustration, despair and fear in those victimised by birth. Toxic masculinity leeched from the pores of rabid salivating animals and sullied the pristine waterways, the same waterways which had offered solace and retreat in an imagined past; the white-capped waves and golden sands since converted into a haven for leering eyes and lecherous ghouls.

Fear racked the fairer sex. Survival strategies were devised and disseminated, carried in nervous whispers through the darkened streets and the darker web. Clothes, make-up and sobriety were scrutinised before safety was promised in the world outside – the land outside which they called home. Home, where violence had been domesticated, by those who had not.

Keys to unlock inherited power were now held between forefingers. Capsicum spray sat beside scented spray and self-care acquiesced to self-defence. Avoid the darkness, they were told, but darkness was everywhere. Darkness had swallowed the land and voraciously consumed all that was good.

Emboldened by self-appointed truth tellers and by the weakness of their rulers, they threatened and struck, abused and demeaned, dismissed and suppressed. Emboldened by the apathy, silence and spin of the law makers. Law makers or law breakers? The lines had blurred, the distinction lost.

Depravity extended its greedy tentacles from the distant corridors of power to the hallowed grounds of prestige, where the elite schooled their offspring in the perpetuation of power.

How good! they cheer,

How good! to leer.

Retain your grace, remain the same,

Make-up your face, your words be tame.

Enough is enough, the victims declared, but it was never enough. Never enough for the rapacious scourge which infested their world and controlled their bodies, and the bodies within bodies.

The fair were few and far between, ignored in print, ignored on screen. They and their allies drowned under a deluge of ignorance and noise as the heavens unleashed a torrent of hate and lies, and cowardly cries.  It comes from the sky, it comes from up high, the news we use to justify.

Dystopia was not an imagined future, dystopia was a lived present, dictated for eternity by one bite of a forbidden fruit.

Then he emerged.

Short in stature, but bold of heart.

Follow me, he declared, in messianic tones, and I will deliver you from darkness and into light. I will protect you, he promised. So, follow him they did and the light returned. Joy, gaiety and unimagined bliss filled their souls.

Pink roses blossomed. Pink roses bloomed with hope and the promise of a new future.

All was well in the land of pink roses.

Image: Carlos Quintero

First published in The Beast magazine, May 2021

ANZAC Day is an ideal time to denounce right-wing extremism.

Will Scott Morrison denounce right-wing extremism on ANZAC Day?

Will the Prime Minister of Australia use his national address on April 25 to publicly denounce the rise of right-wing extremism in the country and make a strong statement that the racist ideology is not welcome in a democratic country? The prime minster’s speech writers will fill his public statements with phrases about ‘protecting our way of life’ ‘laying down their lives for our freedom’, upholding ‘Australian values’ and ‘defending democracy’, as well as encouraging us all to ensure we never live through another war. He might even pretend to cry again. But will he denounce one factor which contributes to war?

Why do it on ANZAC Day?

ANZAC Day recognises the sacrifices, suffering and deaths of individual soldiers from Australia and New Zealand since WWI. It also reminds all of us to do whatever we can to prevent war in the future, and this includes preventing right-wing extremism and excessive nationalism from becoming entrenched and accepted.

Excessive nationalism = war.

Excessive nationalism is a form of extremism. Hitler understood this very acutely, and labelled his party the National Socialist party. He also created a nationalism which was deliberately exclusive. He famously scapegoated Jewish people, and excluded them from notions of German identity, and excluded anyone else who did not conform to his party’s ideal of the pure Aryan race. Ironically, Hitler himself did not satisfy his own criteria for pure Aryan blood. Right-wing extremism caused World War II.

The ANZACs fought against the Hitler’s Nazis in WWII.

Recent media reports point to an increase in public declarations of excessive nationalism and growing support for Neo-Nazi ideology and activity in Australia. Neo-Nazi groups, emboldened by right-wing media and defenders of ‘free speech’, have been gathering in groups and happily publicising their existence across social media platforms. Swastikas have been spotted on people’s cars, their clothing, their skin and their social media accounts, and racially motivated attacks on innocent people are reported regularly.

Furthermore, Brenton Tarrant is Australian. Tarrant carried out the two terrorist attacks on mosques in Christchurch, New Zealand in 2019, and Australia produced him. Tarrant grew up in Australia and is known to have followed various right-wing extremists groups on social media before he carried out the pre-meditated attacks. He also admitted that racial and religious intolerance motivated the attacks. New Zealand soldiers fought alongside Australian soldiers during the battles which are remembered on ANZAC Day. Is this how we repay their service?

The prime minster and his Liberal National Party coalition have yet to publicly criticise the extremism which provoked the massacres.

Will he do it?

No.

Morrison and the LNP need the Nazi vote. The conservative party’s new constituency includes right-wing extremists who believe in exclusive nationalism which excludes anyone who is not white, straight and Christian. The Nazi vote is even more important after the party and the prime minister failed disastrously to handle the 2019/2020 bushfire crisis, the abuse of women in parliament house and the COVID-19 vaccine roll out. Die hard coalition voters and right-wing extremists may well save the LNP from defeat at the next federal election. This is also the party which famously boasted about ‘Turning Back the Boats’ as the cornerstone of a racist immigration policy, and which has a disastrous record on Indigenous issues.

Should he do it?

Yes

Denouncing right-wing extremism close to ANZAC Day will carry more weight. War and the suffering of conflict are at the forefront of people’s thoughts. The desire to prevent another war is stronger during commemorative days, so denouncing the philosophy which led the world to war in the past is very appropriate on ANZAC Day. In addition, ANZAC Day has become more patriotic in recent years and right-wing extremists may be more likely to exploit the surge in patriotism to push their racist agenda, so the government should denounce this ideology strongly and publicly.

Image: http://www.abc.net.au

Slogans for Bogans.

Australia’s new rulers are beholden to bogans,

and win their support with cheap empty slogans.

True leaders lead and make tough decisions,

but bogans treat truth with ingrained derision.

Our leader needs loyal and fast-breeding bogans,

so keeps them on leash with cheap empty slogans.

How good are slogans, and an arrogant smirk,

for replacing policy or actual work!

The Almighty Rupert runs free propaganda,

for a party with nothing but cheap tricks and slander.

Slogans are cover for scandal and vice;

an ignorant bogan will never think twice.

JobMaker, JobKeeper, Homebuilder, JobSeeker,

just more PR spin while the nation gets weaker.

The bogans believe he is fighting corona,

thanks to the monster behind the persona,

the faceless and scheming marketing masters,

who shield their puppet from self-made disasters.

Go to the football, be seen to drink beer

and ignorant bogans will laugh, clap and cheer.

Follow a team that is not your own,

your slogans will keep you entrenched on the throne.

Back to the football, sink some more beers,

and do little else for four more years.

Fool all the bogans with stage-managed drinking,

and gut public schools to stop them from thinking.

Boast to the bogans, you turned back the boats,

tell them we’re gert by one giant moat.

Change just one word in our national song,

don’t dredge up the past, we did nothing wrong!

He fled to Hawaii with the nation on fire,

his bogans took selfies with Scott the Messiah!

The branding of ScoMo

Put progress in SlowMo,

But now real Aussies

Want ScoMo to GoMo

Image: http://www.nypost.com

Footy Leadership Groups to replace Australian government.

Leadership Groups from Australia’s major football codes will replace the current Australian government while Coalition members take mental health leave. Senior players from sports such as the NRL and AFL will run the country while coalition ministers and senators take sick leave to recover from self-inflicted scandals.

“Footy players will run the country for a while,” announced Prime Minister Scott Morrison.

“Leadership Groups are the perfect replacement for ministers and senators because they are made up of players who have committed public scandals and have not only kept their jobs, but often been rewarded with positions of greater influence. Some have even captained premiership winning teams, just as I captained my team to victory in the last election despite years of incompetence, failure and questionable behaviour. Of course, just like politics, some members of Leadership Groups are responsible and decent people, but they’re often outnumbered.”

Many of the players are currently serving suspensions for off-field scandals, and thus have time to be politicians until ministers and senators return from leave. They will begin their new roles immediately and are expected to perform just as well as the people they replace.

Football players are famous for committing scandals involving the abuse of alcohol and illicit drugs, racism, homophobia, misuse of social media, driving offences, general immorality and mistreatment of women. It is this ongoing behaviour which persuaded the prime minister to call for their help during the current crisis.

“They also have great empathy for women,” explained Morrison, “and one of them was just found guilty of rape, so these are the kind of men we need in parliament house at the moment.”

The footy players who were chosen to fill such a vital role are excited by the new challenge.

“Sweet bro,” they exclaimed.

“Mad Monday every Monday!”

“We can get on the piss, hire some hookers, pop some pills, have wild group sex, denigrate women, make a few sex tapes and share them – might even rape a few b’,*ches – anything goes here.”

The players were reported to be even more excited that they will enjoy greater impunity as politicians than they do as footballers.

“Mate, I’ve been suspended for bloody ever after I got accused of rape, and they haven’t even found me guilty,” stated NRL player Jack de Belin.

“But that Porter bloke got accused of the same thing and they gave him sick leave on full pay. How good is politics!”

The appointment of the Leadership Groups will allow the Coalition to work on their combinations in the early days of the cabinet reshuffle, and will even allow Morrison to take a holiday from doing nothing. The job of PM will be shared between NRL player Jarryd Hayne and the walking disaster, former AFL player Ben Cousins.

Images: http://www.abc.net.au, http://www.gettyimages.com.au

Strict ban imposed on Australian politicians.

Politicians cannot visit schools and children will no longer make excursions to federal or state parliament houses following revelations of appalling behaviour from politicians and their staffers.

The ban will take effect immediately and hinges on one key issue:

“Many politicians and their staff do not qualify for a Working With Children Check (WWCC)” explained a spokesperson for the Australian Society for the Protection of Children (ASPC).

“Our nation’s leaders have committed or defended acts that are illegal, immoral, depraved and reprehensible, and this disqualifies them from a WWCC. Without a WWCC, an adult is not allowed to interact with children in any official capacity.”

The spokesperson was adamant that not all politicians have behaved poorly, but that a blanket ban at the present time was the only way to protect the nation’s children.

“Remember, it is not just the politicians themselves who visit schools or community and youth organisations. They arrive with an entourage of minders, advisors, media attaches, staffers and interns, and it is their staffers who are sometimes the biggest problem, as news stories have demonstrated in recent weeks.”

Australian school children will not be allowed to visit Parliament House on official school excursions, denying them a trip that was something of a right of passage for Aussie kids. Parents are also advised that anyone under the age of 18 will be denied entry to the halls of power in Canberra and state capitals.

“Parliament House is crawling with creeps,” stated the ASPC, “It’s not even a safe place for adults.”

The decision follows the shocking discovery of disgraceful behaviour in parliamentary buildings and other locations, by the people entrusted to run the country.

A junior staffer revealed an alleged rape in a minister’s office in Canberra, and numerous women have reported sexual harassment by male staff members. The same women provided evidence that their claims were not taken seriously, or were ignored, in order to protect the politician, staffer or the political party.

Media outlets have also revealed instances of male staffers masturbating on a woman’s desk, filming the act and sharing the video with male colleagues, and of prostitutes being brought into parliament house.

The Attorney General, the highest law officer in the land, was caught fraternising with young female staffers in a public bar just minutes from Parliament House. Apart from committing adultery, the minister was also accused of placing himself in a compromising position which could threaten the security of the nation. He continues to be protected by his party, and by the prime minister.

In addition, the prime minister, and the federal minister for women refused to meet face to face with the thousands of protestors participating in marches throughout the country calling for greater rights and protection for women inside and outside of politics.

“All of these acts preclude a person from securing a WWCC, and cast them as terrible role models for the nation’s school children. This is why we have had to place a ban on interactions between politicians and children,” clarified the spokesperson.

“The ban will be lifted when politicians and their staffers start behaving like moral human beings”

Image: Aditya Joshi

Parliament House for 4 Year Olds.

Parliament House for 4 Year Olds is a delightful new TV series in which young children teach Australia’s federal politicians how to behave. The landmark series will be filmed inside Parliament House, Canberra, and follows the ground-breaking documentary Old People’s Home for 4 Year Olds, which aired on the Australian Broadcasting Commission (ABC) in 2017.

The successful ABC series followed a group of 4-year-old children during their visits to an aged-care facility. The interaction between residents and the children was proven to improve the physical, mental and emotional wellbeing of the elderly participants, and it is hoped the series at Parliament House will improve the basic human decency of politicians.

“The 4-year-olds will teach politicians how to behave,” explained the show’s creators.

“The children will teach politicians and staffers in the nation’s capital basic principles such as morality, fairness, honesty, equality, justice, tolerance and sharing – the basic values that early childhood educators instil in young children every day, and the kind of behaviours that are often called ‘Australian Values’.”

The multi-part series will take politicians and their staffers through activities designed to remind them that boys and girls should be treated equally, that ‘sharing is caring’ and that if someone was using the toys first, it’s not acceptable to just steal those toys and never give them back. Politicians will also learn that it is normal to share the sand pit and swing set with someone who looks or sounds different to you, and that bullying is never ok.

“Boys are now learning that punching or slapping a girl, pulling her hair or pushing her off the monkey bars is not a form of flirting or affection, that it’s actually a form of bullying. In light of this, children will teach the nation’s leaders that if they’re being bullied, they should tell an adult, because the adult will try to help you and not just ignore you.”

Politicians from all parties have been invited to attend, and they will be taught that errant bodily fluids can make everyone sick and are just ‘yukky’.

“We are happy to include the nation’s leaders in our toilet training sessions, and to remind them of the true purpose of bathrooms.”

Children will instruct politicians and their staffers that telling the truth is always important, even when that is difficult, and that it can be harmful to spread nasty rumours about someone behind their back.

“We are also confident that the series will put an end to participants bringing prostitutes into the corridors of power, because a 4-year-old doesn’t even know what a prostitute is.”

Parliament House for 4 Year Olds will not be shown on the ABC, because the politicians participating in the series are the ones currently dismantling the national broadcaster. Instead, the series will be aired after shows such as MKR, I’m A Celebrity and MAFS, because a direct correlation has been found between viewing scripted reality TV shows and voting amoral politicians back into power.

For fans of reality TV shows, they will also have the chance to ‘vote’ the participants off the show at the next election. Furthermore, producers plan to extend the program to state parliaments, where politicians can learn how to avoid physical relationships with people who have been involved in widespread corruption, and that the number 3 million is not the same as the number 30 million.

Parliament House for 4 Year Olds will air at the beginning of next month, and will be available on catch up services.

Parliament House for 4 Year Olds; because 4-year-olds are perfect role models for politicians”

Image: Katrina Knapp

Huge shock for Cronulla fans at start of 2021 season.

Cronulla Sharks fans have reacted with horror to the news that they are the most gullible fans in rugby league after it was discovered that their No. 1 ticket holder is an imposter.

And all it took was a beer, a smirk and a baseball cap.

On the morning of the NRL season kick-off, news has broken that Prime Minister Scott Morrison fooled the club into thinking that he supports the pride of The Shire. Morrison is seen at most home games wearing team merchandise, and his customary smirk, surrounded by adoring and naive fans who genuinely believed he is one of them – until today.

News broke that Morrison actually grew up in the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney in the heartland of the Sydney Roosters. He also attended Sydney Boys High School, which is part of the Greater Public Schools network and only plays Rugby Union. What’s more, he declared himself a fan of the Western Bulldogs Aussie Rules team and stated that AFL is a “great game” and the AFL grand final is the “greatest show in Oz”.

Not only does the prime minister sport his Sharkies gear at home games, but even during his many photo opportunities and marketing videos broadcast to the Australian population.

Morrison only started publicly supporting Cronulla when he became the member for Cook. Sources have also suggested that Morrison only won Liberal preselection for the seat after News Limited ran a dirty smear campaign against long-standing Liberal member, and his opponent, Michael Towke.

Towke was also born in the east, but had lived in The Shire for many years, and was actively involved in many local organisations. Furthermore, Towke won the first preselection ballot in 2007, and polled 10 times as many votes as Morrison, 82 votes to 8. Morrison was eliminated in the first round. The Daily Telegraph then published four articles which heavily criticised Towke, even suggesting that he could be sent to jail.

Yet Sharks fans clap and cheer their famous fan as he cradles a beer in the stands at Shark Park.

A long and ugly defamation case ensued, and News Limited eventually settled with Towke out of court. The saga was revealed in the Sydney Morning Herald, and later in the St George and Sutherland Shire Leader, and apparently News Limited offered The Leader a $110,000 payment to stop the story from going to print. It seems Rupert Murdoch wanted no bad marks against his selection for future prime minister.

A second preselection ballot was held, and Morrison was chosen to lead the Liberal party in The Shire. This is how Scott Morrison came to be the federal member for The Shire, and how he came to be the No.1 ticket holder for the Sharks.

Rupert Murdoch had chosen his man, and it was Morrison – not an Australian of Lebanese heritage. A few years later, Murdoch would send instructions for Malcolm Turnbull to be removed as leader of the Coalition, and replaced by Morrison.

But Sharks fans don’t see this, or don’t want to. The man they know as ScoMo drinks beer and wears the black, white and blue.

They cheer a man who marked International Women’s Day in 2019 by saying that women should not rise in society at the expense of men. The man who took a holiday in Hawaii while the country burned through horrific bushfires. The man who protects alleged rapists and has overseen scandals involving Sport Rorts, the destruction of the Murray-Darling basin and Robodebt. They also support a man who cut funding to aged care services while he was Treasurer. By the time today’s Sharks fans need aged care services, will Scott Morrison still be pretending to support the Sharks?

In fact, the strongest proof that Morrison may truly care about Sharks victories is his famous visit to Engadine Maccas after Cronulla won the grand final in 2016.

Image: http://www.sharks.com.au

Scott Morrison recruits Matthew Johns.


Prime Minister Scott Morrison has appointed former rugby league player Matthew Johns as the federal Minister for Women due to Johns’ dedication to the rights of women. The appointment ensures that the Liberal National Party will always contain one male member who has been involved in a sex scandal.

Morrison persuaded the popular figure to join the coalition during a ‘Return to Shark Park’ function for former Cronulla players in the Sutherland Shire. Morrison crashed the event in search of another photo opportunity, while Johns was there to catch up with former teammates.

“How good is Matty Johns!,” Morrison gloated while announcing the appointment.

“You know I love my footy, and I love Matty, especially since he played for the Sharkies,” he smirked.

“But no, in all seriousness, I’m very excited to announce Mr Johns as the new Minister for Women because he is a great role model for young Australian men, who has a great empathy for women.

It was during his time with the Sharks that Johns created controversy. He was the most high profile player to be involved in a group sex scandal with a 19-year-old woman during a team trip to New Zealand in 2002. The woman claimed she had been sexually assaulted, but a police investigation found no evidence and none of the players were charged.

“I know all about the Sharks scandal, because I’ve been a Cronulla fan ever since I connived my way into pre-selection for my seat in The Shire. I love how the boys in that team all bonded during that incident, and I especially love how they all managed to escape without any punishment. We could do with some of that know-how in the Coalition.”

“Remember, too, that after these allegations were revealed in the media, Matty’s fans set up the Support Matthew Johns Facebook page which had more than 100,000 members, including many women. We might get him to set one up for Christian Porter.”

The former player and current media personality will begin his new role immediately, and he is looking forward to the challenge.

“I love women,” he stated via his parole officer.

“I really love them, especially young ones, so when Scotty asked me to be his Minister for Women, I said yes straight away. Plus, Scotty said I can do all the work over a beer at Shark Park. How good!”

Johns will work alongside a special group formed in response to recent allegations of sexual assault and bullying of women in parliament house. The group contains politicians such as Christian Porter, Barnaby Joyce, Peter Dutton, Alan Tudge and George Christensen, and will report directly to Morrison – except when the prime minister needs to claim plausible deniability.

Image: http://www.gettyimages.com.au

Scott Morrison recruits Jordan De Goey.

Prime Minster Scott Morrison has appointed AFL player Jordan De Goey as the new Minister for Women due to De Goey’s empathy for women. The appointment ensures that at all times the Liberal National Party will contain one male member who is under investigation for sexual assault.

De Goey is still under investigation for the alleged sexual assault of a woman in 2015. The court case was set to take place in 2020, but was delayed due to COVID-19. Despite the charges, he was allowed to keep playing for the Collingwood Magpies throughout the 2020 season.

“How good is Jordan De Goey!,” gloated Morrison during the announcement.

“I’ve never been much of a fan of AFL, but I will be if it helps me win votes. I do know that Mr De Goey is a fine young man with a great understanding of women, and is a great role model for all Australian men.”

Morrison said he made contact with the talented player via former Collingwood president Eddie McGuire.

“I’d forgotten that King Kong joke Eddie made, and I asked him to tell it to me again. Mate – classic. While we were chatting, he recommended Jordan and I didn’t hesitate to offer him the job.”

“Apart from being charged with sexual assault, Jordan also lied about hurting his hand while at a nightclub. He said he hurt it playing with his dog, then, even better, he made his coach go and tell the media that lie as well. There’s nothing wrong with making someone else cop the flack for a mistake you made…”

The sexual assault allegation was investigated by the AFL Integrity Unit and Victoria Police in 2018, and no charges were laid.

“Jordan didn’t even have to stand down from playing, and a lot of my cabinet, especially Christian Porter, want to know how he managed that.”

De Goey will begin the role immediately, and will lead a special group comprising coalition members such as Christian Porter, Barnaby Joyce, Alan Tudge and Peter Dutton. The group will report directly to the prime minister, except when he needs to be able to claim plausible deniability.

Image: AAP Images