Eastern Suburbs residents are demanding action after learning that they pay extortionate prices for cocaine.
White party powder can cost four or five times as much here as it does overseas, and the hefty price tag does not even guarantee its purity. Locals have therefore presented authorities with a manifesto outlining strategies to mitigate price influences such as geographical isolation, low population density and strict border control.
“During a cost-of-living crisis, essential items such as groceries, fuel, housing and cocaine must be affordable,” read the manifesto.
“Eastern Suburbs residents have already been reduced to shopping at Aldi, buying E-Bikes, and renting out their holiday homes, but should never have to forego cocaine.”
The manifesto calls upon Australians to get serious.
“Stop growing a few special herbs at your uncle’s plot on the Central Coast, and create large-scale coca plantations in Australia’s vast untapped wilderness. The coca can then be processed at decommissioned coal mines to restore the nation’s proud manufacturing heritage and negate the tyranny of distance. We might not make Holden’s anymore, but every snort of our home-grown product will be an act of patriotism.”
GDP is then expected to grow exponentially as stockbrokers and financiers enjoy cocaine subjected to greater scrutiny. What’s more, the high-grade nutritional supplements will make our local football stars unbeatable, especially against our Trans-Tasman rivals who pay even more for cocaine.
The popular aperitif can then be transported internationally in the submarines that ScoMo secured through his AUKUS masterplan, and we will relive the glory days when our British overlords were the world’s biggest drug traffickers.
Of course, we must also ensure the majority of our national resource remains in the country and remains affordable.
A 25% tax on exports?
Population density is another factor driving up prices. While this is already being addressed, it must be accelerated. Snooty snorters have ordered local authorities to tolerate, then ignore, residents action groups, so that town planners can create more projects like the engorgement of Little Bay, the expansion of Bondi Junction, and the construction of Lahra Downs around the new Woollahra train station. Property developers must also be freed from red tape so that they can contribute to the architectural legacy of our region. After all, if any occupation is motivated by cheaper cocaine…
What about strict border control?
Management of our territorial waters will be transferred to the Bra Boys and they will be given license to select who steps foot on our shores. Border Force can then return to confiscating hiking shoes.
“Finally, our elected officials must alleviate the long-term suffering of their constituents and add cocaine to the Pharmaceutical Benefits Scheme.”
First published in The Beast magazine, July, 2026
Image: Colin Davis
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