You Own the Rabbitohs.

Residents of Randwick City will have total control of the South Sydney Rugby League team once the Rabbitohs become the first publicly-owned club in the NRL.

The Rabbitohs will soon pass into public ownership after it was revealed that Randwick City ratepayers contributed millions of dollars to the Heffron Centre, but will have access to only a small portion of the facility in Maroubra. Instead, senior players will have exclusive use of large parts of the complex every day of the year, except on Mad Monday.

Once the foundation club completes its transfer from Redfern Oval to Heffron Centre in preparation for the 2023 season, residents of Randwick City will take control of the first-grade team.

Ratepayers will have automatic access to a website and an App, and will be able to vote on player selection and positions, coaching appointments and recruitment.

Residents will decide which players are traded and recruited during the off-season, subject to salary cap restrictions. Residents, and not the club, would therefore have voted on the proposal to release Dane Gagai and Jaydn Su’a, and to trade Adam Reynolds for an ageing, overrated and underperforming half who was the subject of a police investigation and never actually played for the club.

Randwick locals will also determine the team line-up each week, and will vote on whether the game’s best five-eighth should play at full-back if Latrell is side-lined, and whether Captain Cam should start on the bench. Ownership also allows residents to tell Jason Demetriou how to coach in person, and not just from the comfort of their keyboard, and to centre the team’s tactics around one simple premise:

Give the ball to Latrell.

The news will undoubtedly please fans of bespectacled Aussie comedians, movie stars in leather sandals, and politicians who order their adversaries to ‘sit down boofhead’. But public ownership also benefits residents who don’t support the Rabbitohs.

Interlopers from the western suburbs, The Shire, or worse still Queensland, can use this unique situation to sabotage Souths and send them toppling out of the finals – as long as the saboteurs pay rates to Randwick City Council.

“We thank the traditional owners, and the Bra Boys, for granting us permission to establish this state-of-the-art training centre on their land, and we look forward to delivering a premiership to our supporters in return,” read a statement from the club.

“We also defend the club’s access to the community facility. Players desperately need the enormous section of the building dedicated to tattoo artists, unqualified barbers and our army of lawyers.”

Meanwhile, Randwick City ratepayers have been promised a 20% reduction on council rates if the Rabbitohs don’t win the premiership in 2023.

First published in The Beast magazine, July 2022.

Image: http://www.rabbitohs.com.au

More Kayaks to Inundate Rushcutters Bay.

Rushcutters Bay is awash with kayaks as savvy paddlers prepare for the region’s conversion into the world’s first designated underwater village.

Residents had attributed the takeover of local parks to lockdown fads and a lack of storage space in tiny local apartments, but were surprised to hear that the owners are preparing for the impending rise in sea levels which will soon convert the region into an underwater village.

Images of local beaches completely disappearing under massive swells and huge tides confirmed to locals that kayaks and other waterborne vessels will soon replace gas-guzzling cars as the preferred method of transport for residents from Elizabeth Bay to South Head.

The southern harbour region was chosen for the grand experiment for a number of reasons. Residents adhere to a misguided belief that they live in a village, they cling obsessively to the shoreline, they are devoted to renovating and they traditionally vote conservative.

“This is a safe federal Liberal seat, and it is obvious to the educated that the Coalition has become merely a front for the fossil fuel industry. It is thus fitting to carry out this experiment in a region which is both driving climate change and is in line to suffer its effects,” declared a spokesperson for Sydney Underwater Village (SUV).

“The underwater village also guarantees every resident the one thing that brings meaning to their lives – uninterrupted water views.”

Renovation hobbyists will be ecstatic to learn that every house in the region must be refitted for underwater living. Air-tight glass houses will run on wave power and hydro energy, making Australia the first country to make an involuntary transition to renewable energy.

Existing marinas will be augmented to placate Gina Rinehart, and Australians will finally understand why the mining magnate prefers to sponsor water-based sports. Fortunately for locals, their luxury yachts will enjoy even greater tax deductions, and will run entirely on wind power, except at night time.

Daylight saving will be dispensed with and hungry locals will be able to select their dinner as it swims by the window, while local Dads will never tire of telling their kids that underwater living brings new meaning to the term ‘school’. There will be no need to spend hours cleaning the backyard swimming pool, and barnacles will be removed by low-paid migrant workers once their islands are swallowed by the ocean.

Harbourside homes will also serve as prototypes before the initiative is extended to houses overlooking the eastern beaches, and life beneath the surface will deliver two exciting developments to beachside residents:

Surfers will be able to surf from their front door, and locals will finally stop whingeing about car parking.

First published in The Beast magazine, June 2022

Image: Anita Denunzio

Your Exclusive Guide to the Candidates for Wentworth.

The joy and excitement of a federal election is upon us, and our letterboxes will soon overflow with messages and promises from candidates fighting to represent the good people of the Eastern Suburbs in the steam-cleaned halls of power.

The Beast used its exclusive access to sources within each campaign to put together this guide on what to look forward to until decision day.

Incumbent Dave Sharma remains our tremendous eastern representative. Turrramurra’s excellent ring-in used his teal emulating resume to boast of his truly enviable results in the HSC, and to distance himself from his own party.

Was the dependent independent distancing himself from the Coalition’s targeted electoral rorting or their toxic economic recovery which guarantees total environmental ruin? Was our Dave expunging from our minds Australia’s terrible extinction rates and Gladys’ treeless earth rampage, or his party’s efforts to tirelessly erase rape incidents occurring in the country’s erstwhile institutions?

Let’s not be too harsh on him though. Let’s cast our minds back to simpler times when the tragically erroneous romantic showed his tender, enduring respect for women by handing out tokenism epitomising roses.

But what of Dave’s opponents in the big dance?

Allegra Spender – Independent

Spender’s pamphlets will also lie on the blue spectrum and will cleverly differentiate her from other independents. Astute residents will notice a tendency to use upper case L throughout the Literature in recognition of the tradition of Wentworth. Before you accuse ALLegra of poor grammar though, remember that it also serves to differentiate her from our Dave.

Tim Murray – Labor

Murray’s pamphlet is still a blank piece of paper. He had initially opted for Labor red but feared accusations of communism from News Corp. Green was suggested until it was pointed out that Easts rugby fans maintain a healthy hatred of the Galloping Greens, before an eager volunteer suggested red and green to reflect the party’s policy stance and to appeal to Rabbitohs fans. Links to Anthony Albanese were then discussed, before a junior staffer suggested using black to further accentuate Albo’s weight loss. Ultimately, they will likely settle on grey to reflect the party’s convictions.

Dominic Wy Kanak – The Greens

The Greens are different. They will forego the traditional paper pamphlets, in order to avoid felling the remaining trees that Gladys didn’t prune before saying YES! They can’t afford a Tesla, so they will instead deliver messages with solar-powered red-winged parrots. Parrots that don’t get eaten by pet cats will deliver a policy outline painstakingly inscribed on the seaweed that washed up on our beaches during the recent storms. Residents are encouraged to reuse the seaweed. Sushi anyone?

Natalie Dumer – United Australia Party.

Dumer also did away with pamphlets. Instead, Clive Palmer’s loyal servant will erect huge yellow billboards on everyone’s lawn with promises as big as the billboards themselves; promises she’ll never have to keep.  The billboards will make historically-inaccurate claims that previous prime ministers belonged to the current UAP, and will launch attacks on the mainstream parties that are far more vitriolic than any satirical article. She will also vow to Save Australia…from someone or something.

Enjoy the ride and the democracy sausage!

Image: Aditya Joshi

First published in The Beast magazine, May 2022.

Our Tremendous Eastern Representative.

Dave Sharma is our tremendous eastern representative, but how well do we really know him?

We recently discovered that he achieved truly enviable results in his HSC, but that was more than 25 years ago, and Dave’s kids are now closer to their HSC exams than he is. Boasting about a score of 100% is fine for about 6 months after year 12, but doing so in 2022 seems like a tawdry egotistical reminder.

To all of you kiddies out there who have no idea what this article is about, TER stands for Tertiary Entrance Rank, and this term was used in NSW instead of ‘ATAR’ in the olden days.

Dave’s exultation arrived in our letterboxes inside his teal emulating resume, which was strangely devoid of the Liberal party logo. Why did he choose to omit the logo?

Is it because of his party’s targeted electoral rorting?

Perhaps Dave is distancing himself from the Coalition’s total environmental ruin. He wants you to forget his fearless leader’s love affair with coal and the party’s determination to run coal-fired power stations for as long as possible. He wants you to forget the treeless earth rampage that earned Gladys the nickname Koala Killer, and to ignore his government’s ruling to remove project-specific approval under national environmental laws, which helps explain why Australia has the most inadequate climate policy among developed countries.

Official records indicate that our Dave and his colleagues also voted against efforts to reverse the terrible extinction rates of Australia’s native plants and animals.

Perhaps Turramurra’s excellent ring-in also wants you to forget his party’s plan for a toxic economic recovery from COVID-19, and the fact that he toed the party line on transferring entrapped refugees to the mainland for medical treatment.

The Liberal National Party has also been criticised for its treatment of Australian women. It has been suggested that some elements in the party have been tirelessly erasing rape incidents in parliament house from the minds of everyday Aussies, and that his own fearless leader reminded protesting women that they should be grateful they weren’t shot.

But let’s not be too harsh on our Dave. His tender, enduring respect for women was on full display at Bondi Junction station on International Women’s Day, but, alas, the tragically erroneous romantic was unfairly attacked for handing out tokenism epitomising roses. Poor Dave.

Dave was also there, alongside his LNP colleagues, when they formulated policies on funding cuts that made an Aussie tertiary education redundant, and he comprised the team which allocated peanuts to thespians, entertainers and roadies during the COVID-19 pandemic.

There’s no better time than now to pay tribute to our tremendous eastern representative.

Image: Citizen’s Climate Lobby Australia

First published, in part, in The Beast magazine, April 2022.

Have You Seen This Man?

Authorities and welfare organisations are attempting to identify and locate a man seen wandering Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs pleading with local sporting clubs to become their no. 1 ticket holder.

The man is believed to have grown up in the region and is described as Caucasian, middle-aged, chubby and bespectacled, who is ‘…otherwise unremarkable aside from an affixed smirk which is equally arrogant and condescending”

The desperate man was first sighted in Bondi Junction wearing a Sydney Roosters jersey and baseball cap. Witnesses say he ordered a beer at Artie’s before approaching club bosses, muttering,

“How good are the Roosters!” and demanding to be made the club’s no.1 ticket holder for season 2022 and beyond.

The dejected figure was then seen in Kingsford a few hours later in cardinal and myrtle, claiming to be best friends with Rus. He ordered a beer at Henry Morris Bar and demanded to be made no.1 ticket holder of the Rabbitohs.

Stories of similar sightings throughout the East then emerged.

“Yeah, that’s the guy we saw a while ago,” confirmed club bosses at Randwick Rugby Union Club.

“Dressed in our jersey and scarf, ordered a beer and forced everyone to shake his hand. Kept saying; ‘How good are the galloping greens’ then said Campo’s gonna have a great season, and asked if the Ella brothers were all fit. We felt sorry for him until he demanded to be made no.1 ticket holder, then we showed him the door.”

Beasties stalwarts recounted their own tale of the listless wanderer.

“Seen some strange things at footy clubs, you know, boys will be boys, but this was bizarre. Decked out in full playing kit, even the shorts – not pretty – strolled into The Field and ordered a beer and insisted on meeting a board member. One of our execs decided to humour the poor guy, but when she introduced herself, he scoffed and demanded to meet a ‘real’ board member. That’s when our props did some lineout practice and dumped him on O’Sullivan Road.”

Authorities also received complaints about the unwelcome intruder from the Waratahs, Sydney Swans and Sydney FC, as well as Sydney Coastal Junior Cricket Club.

Sydney Coastal staff immediately contacted police after the man appeared at a junior competition saying,

“I know Dave Warner and Kaja, Kawi, Kijawa…you know, the foreign bloke.”

“We made it clear we want nothing to do with him – I mean, we’ve got kids at this club.”

Law enforcement and mental health experts have not identified a precise cause for the behaviour, which began in the lead up to the most recent federal election. Police are also investigating a possible link with an eerily similar case at Shark Park in early 2016.

Image: Craig Greenhill

First published in The Beast magazine, March 2022.

Waverley Council Launches the SITTY 2 Surf.

Waverley Council has paired up with Randwick Council to launch the SITTY 2 Surf initiative and guarantee uncrowded waves to the surfers of the Eastern beaches.

SITTY 2 Surf actively promotes a burgeoning trend sweeping Australia’s eastern seaboard. Beautiful young things don their favourite bikini, boardies or wetsuit, and carry their surfboard to the beach, before taking myriad selfies and posting to Snapchat, Instagram, Tik Tok or Youtube (SITTY), without ever dipping a toe in the water. SITTY Surfers merely exploit the image of surfing to attract and impress online followers.

“SITTY2Surf is an exciting initiative through which both councils will keep SITTY Surfers out of the water,” began a joint statement.

“It addresses the scourge of overcrowded waves, which is an unfortunate side-effect of living in paradise, and it works in the following way.”

“Councils have installed fibre-to-the-shore superfast broadband at surf beaches for real time uploads, encouraging SITTY Surfers to pose anywhere on the shoreline, except between the red and yellow flags. In addition, cloud seeding will ensure endless blue-sky days, and the water will be treated with a bright blue dye like the ponds at fancy golf courses, to create the ultimate backdrop.”

“Trucks will start delivering sugar-white sand from Hyams Beach, and giant fans will be installed at surfing beaches to create wind-blown hair. They also offer the added bonus of providing permanent offshore winds.”

Keeping SITTY Surfers on the sand reduces the likelihood of surf rage and has been established to coincide with the reopening of Australia’s borders, which is sure to lure hordes of international surfers back to beaches such as Bondi.

Council also explained that a team of stylists, makeup artists and brand consultants will be on hand at every beach except Clovelly and Coogee to prettify the Bondi beauties and the smooth-chested Cariocas from the land of Samba. As a result, the only people left in the water will be crusty old men on longboards, bodysurfers, and those of us who long ago accepted that we are not Instaworthy.

SITTY Surfers can use the SITTY2Surf App to check who currently has the most followers and wins priority to the best patch of sand. The app will also carry a daily list of trending hashtags, as well as advice on who we must StandWith on any given day.

Via the app, councils will also have the power to remove followers from the accounts of any SITTY Surfer caught entering the water and actually surfing a wave.

“In this way, SITTY 2 Surf will be more effective than a threat from a Bra Boy, and will deter more surfers than a beach full of blue bottles.

First published in The Beast magazine, April 2022.

Amendments to laws governing public spaces in the Eastern Suburbs.

The failure of Waverley Council to enforce the laws which prohibit dogs from entering Mackenzies Bay has led to the relaxation of a raft of other laws pertaining to communal spaces in the Eastern Suburbs.

Dogs are prohibited from entering Mackenzies Bay, yet scores of dogs are seen running freely across the rock pools on a daily basis while their owners swim, sunbake and relax at the tiny beach. A petition was recently lodged with Waverley Council demanding legal access for dogs, but was rejected. The beach remains off limits to dogs, but council is neglecting to enforce its own laws.

One major justification for the petition was that dog owners had been breaking the rules and taking their dogs to the off-limit area for years anyway, so it might as well be legalised. Based on this rationale, a host of other local laws have now been amended:

Fibreglass surf craft are now permitted between the flags at Bondi, Tamarama and Bronte beaches.

Construction debris from renovations can now be dumped in the ocean, and power tools can be used 7 days a week, 24 hours a day.

Residue from meth production can be dumped in local bays and beaches.

Dog owners are no longer required to pick up after their dogs – anywhere.

4wd vehicles and trail bikes are now granted access to all local beaches.

Campervans, backpackers and grey nomads can camp overnight in public carparks and beside beaches.

Parking of private cars is allowed in bus stops and ambulance bays, and in front of hospitals, police stations, post offices, surf clubs, schools…

Mountain biking is encouraged anywhere in Centennial Park.

All beaches and bays are open to line fishing and fishing with explosives.

Alcohol can be consumed in parks, beaches, playgrounds and other public spaces at any time of the day or night, any day of the year.

Fireworks are legal again, every day of the year.

Compliance with any COVID-19 pandemic law is optional.

Burning off will become the acceptable method of disposing of all household waste.

Nude sun bathing is now legal at all local beaches, as long as bathers have tattoos and use sun block. Bathers of any age, gender and body shape are encouraged to swap their bathing suit for their birthday suit.

Spear fishing is permitted at all municipal bays and beaches. Consequently, Randwick Council will allow spear fishers to hunt blue groupers at Clovelly Beach.

Private school students are now allowed to spit on homeless people, defecate on trains and have sex in public places.

Development Applications are now a historical relic.

The relaxation of the aforementioned laws comes into effect immediately.

Image: http://www.frugalfrolicker.com

First published in The Beast magazine, March 2022.

Vive L’Australie!

Patriotic fervour courses through the veins of the joyful populace of L’Australie on this annual day of celebration.

The tricolore informs the aesthetic from La Perouse to Vaucluse as loyal subjects commemorate the arrival of Jean-Francois de Galaup, comte de Laperouse at Kamay, just days before Englishman Arthur Phillip on January 24, 1788.

The famed national colours adorn everything from the fleet of modern submarines in the bay to the delicious macarons baked so eagerly in honour of the visiting president, whose cavalcade rolls proudly along Route Anglais towards Crique Anglais.

A president who defers to his high school Art teacher, and not his high school sweetheart, on matters of liberte, egalite, fraternite, and rules without interference from an irrelevant monarch in distant lands. A leader as flawed as any Australien, but more than the mere puppet of a media mogul dismantling democracy throughout the world.

Joie de vivre permeates every beating heart after victory over the old enemy in the most recent football World Cup, which was celebrated with endless renditions of a truly rousing national anthem, and not with a dour hymn girt by confusion, nor with a smelly, sweaty shoe full of the nation’s harmful addiction. Instead, proud fans raised glasses full of local wine, blissfully unaware that one of our great export industries could have been significantly bruised if the prime ministerial puppet (born and bred in the East) had attacked our biggest trading partner to score a few cheap political points. Sacre bleu!

Alas, not every citizen shares the collective gaiety on this momentous day. Informed citizens raised on daily political discourse campaign passionately to change the date from January 24, and temper festivities with reminders of the genocide initiated at Kamay and perpetuated throughout a land that was never ceded.

They offer a firm critique of rising exclusive nationalism and dwindling media diversity, as well as the existential crisis facing native animals, and the wide brown land, incomprehensible even to the likes of Descartes or De Beauvoir. They take consolation in the fact that the French at least turned the cane toad infestation into haute cuisine.

Meanwhile, local surfers decry the British pronunciation of ‘Bronnie’ as they order tourists to chase barrels in the Coogee shore dump, and the nation’s terrible English literacy is attributed to language one interference.

On this warm, blue-sky day, children lob tennis balls at friends who present a flat bat and stand front-on with sandy feet pegged together. Nearby, the elegant elite sip cocktails at Bondi’s exclusive private beach club, and savour the heavenly combination of unrivalled culinary expertise and rich natural ingredients which could never have culminated in good ol’ meat and 3 veg.

Vive L’Australie!

Image: Eleni Stefanovski

First published in The Beast magazine, February 2022.

Cronulla Sharks to make massive call in 2022.

The Cronulla Sutherland Sharks rugby league club is searching for a new no. 1 ticket holder in anticipation of Scott Morrison losing the next federal election.

The prime minister became the club’s number 1 ticket holder in 2016 in order to win favour with the voters of The Shire, but will have no more need for the club if he loses the seat of Cook at the upcoming election.

“Scotty’s on his way out,” confirmed a club spokesperson, “so we need to find someone else to be our no.1 ticket holder. No one wants him anymore, and we’re pretty sure he won’t want us after the election, even if he makes it to the next election.”

Morrison became a familiar sight at Sharks home games in recent years, drinking a beer and smiling in his team kit. The photo opportunities helped to convince the people of The Shire that he was one of them, when in fact he grew up in Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs and only moved south to earn pre-selection for the safe Liberal seat.

“People like to call him The Liar From The Shire, but the biggest lie is that he’s not even from The Shire.”

“Sure, lots of us were fooled by the PR spin at first,” continued the spokesperson, “but it’s hard not to be when the whole NewsCorp network is promoting him. But now we see through him. We all see the lies, the incompetence, arrogance, insincerity, bullying, corruption, double standards and mismanagement of him and his party.”

What’s more, an increasing number of residents in Sydney’s south are learning that Morrison used a dirty smear campaign against another candidate, run through the Murdoch press, to win pre-selection for the seat in the first place.

Club bosses expect Morrison to lose the seat of Cook later this year and to turn his back on the club as soon as it no longer serves his needs.

“Scotty might go back to the Eastern Suburbs or impose himself on another electorate, and another footy team, who knows. All we know is that we don’t expect him to be loyal to our club, I mean, look what he did to Malcolm.”

Sharks directors and members have made a tentative start to the search for a new no.1 fan, and have researched the no.1 ticket holders of other clubs in Australia’s major football codes.

“Penrith Panthers had Mark Geyer at one point, and Perth Glory had Dawn Fraser. West Coast Eagles had Sam Kerr, Richmond were with Ash Barty. St Kilda even got Eric Bana, but we got stuck with Scotty.”

Members expressed a degree of shame and regret at appointing Morrison to the position in 2016, but saw the advantage of him turning his back on the club.

“At least we won’t have to put up with that smirk every time we attend or watch a home game.”

Sharks members will be contacted soon to nominate a new no.1 ticket holder with a more legitimate claim for the position.

Image: http://www.sharks.com.au

COOGEE GOES BIG!

The renovation of the COOGEE BAY HOTEL will see the entire suburb of COOGEE engorged and expanded in order to complement yet another Sydney developer’s great compensatory phallus.

As the COOGEE BAY HOTEL swells upwards and outwards, so will all of the buildings within a five-kilometre radius, creating a renovation boom that will attract more tradies than an anti-lockdown protest. The vainglory erection will usher in a host of other improvements sure to enhance the life of every resident and visitor in the coming years:

A giant shadow will stretch from the beach all the way to Wedding Cake Island as the sun heads west.

The red and yellow flags will be bigger than the national flag in Mexico City’s Zocalo, and will fly on poles which double as wind turbines.

The tranquil waters of COOGEE bay will become a terminal for cruise ships full of humongous Trump supporters carrying bleach and COVID-19. Subsequently, registered voters across the Eastern Suburbs will soon find themselves choosing between Clive Palmer, Craig Kelly or George Christensen.

The beach will become the exclusive backdrop of big, buffed, bronzed bodies. Don’t even think about stepping on to the sand unless you can bench 200kg, or boast 1 million Instagram followers.

Away from the golden sands, the colossal calamities continue.

Fish and Chip shops must replace hake and whiting with whale shark and beer-battered manta ray, with a side of wedges big enough to be towed behind a boat at Club Med. And if you swing by Maccas on the way to the beach, you’ll definitely be supersized.

COOGEE residents will be forced to phase out their small city cars for Monster Trucks, Chevrolet Suburbans and Dodge Rams, and can house them in the world’s biggest underground carpark.

Every resident will be obliged to own at least one St Bernard, English Mastiff and Great Dane, and to tell every passing jogger, “…They won’t hurt you, they’re just playing…”

Family homes will make way for apartment towers rivalling the residential structures of Hong Kong and Singapore, and the Burj Khalifa will lose its status as the world’s tallest building. The COOGEE Palace will be renamed Nurul Istana Iman II in honour of the Sultan of Brunei.

COOGEE Oval will be developed in the style of Rio’s Maracana, and will make the upgrade of the SFS look like a year 7 Design and Technology assignment. Galloping Greens fans will be cheering for a team whose scrumhalf dwarfs Will Skelton, and sporty juniors will represent the COOGEE Krakens Rugby League and Netball teams, or play football for COOGEE Inflated.

COOGEE will retain the title until a neighbouring developer feels compelled to overcompensate, and the only thing that won’t get any bigger is the surf.

First published in The Beast magazine, January 2022