Angus Taylor launches Pay Now Pay Later.

Minister for Energy and Emissions Reduction Angus Taylor has announced a world-first national energy supply system called Pay Now Pay Later, under which Australians will pay more for their electricity in the present while paying for climate change in the future.

Pay Now Pay Later is a game-changer,” boasted Taylor, from outside a newly-opened coal mine.

“The world-first energy consumption system ensures that Australians will pay higher electricity bills in the present and will pay for the environmental costs of the energy grid well into the future. We will soon be the only country in the world which forces its citizens to pay with their wallets and their futures.”

Taylor was confident that Australians would embrace Pay Now Pay Later, just as they have embraced systems such as AfterPay, BPay, Before Pay, Buy Now Pay Later, Pay It Forward and even the old-fashioned Lay-By.

“Plus, it’s not like they have a choice,” he scoffed.

The system relies on one central component: the burning of fossil fuels. Taylor and his LNP party will ensure that the majority of Australian businesses and households are forced to secure their energy from fossil fuels such as coal and coal seam gas, rather than from renewable energy. Consumers will therefore pay more for their electricity now, and will contribute the destruction of the planet.

“We will continue with our plans to open new coal mines, to push the fallacy of clean coal, and to burn fossil fuels to supply energy to Australian businesses and households. We will do everything in our power to ensure that the majority of Australia’s energy grid is supplied by fossil fuels.”

For the system to succeed, renewable energy such as wind and solar must be suppressed for as long as possible.

“We will employ myriad tactics to suppress renewable energy. We will utilise our propaganda wing, which Australians know as NewsCorp, to spread fear and misinformation regarding renewable energy, and to perpetuate the falsehood that fossil fuels will keep energy prices down for the everyday Aussie. We also thank former rugby league player Darren Lockyer for his valuable service in this regard.”

“What’s more, Pay Now Pay Later will have the greatest impact on people who are not even paying for electricity now – children.”

Taylor also promised to use the COVID-19 pandemic as an excuse to funnel more taxpayers money into the fossil fuel industry, for the benefit of fossil fuel companies, under the guise of a gas led recovery.

“We will also continue to wind back schemes such as the solar rebate for Australian households, and will instead use this public money to prop up the fossil fuel industry, most of which is foreign owned.”

Australians will pay later as climate change causes more severe storms, droughts, floods and fires, which will cost the country millions of dollars. Australians will also pay later when the international economy deals primarily in renewable energy.

“While Australian energy consumers will Pay Now, the whole world will Pay Later.”

Adding his support to the scheme was current Treasurer Josh Frydenberg, who helped lay the groundwork for the scheme as long as six years ago. Frydenberg used his power as federal Minister for the Environment to prevent energy company AGL from dumping coal and embracing renewable energy in 2016.

His underhand tactics were exposed in an article in The Saturday Paper by Mike Seccombe on July 10, 2021, and they centre on the appointment of chief executive Andy Vessey. The article outlines how Frydenberg called board members of AGL personally and pressured them to remove Vessey because the boss planned to transition the company to renewable energy, and to close the Liddell coal-fired power plant in the NSW Hunter Valley, which is described as:

“…one of Australia’s oldest and dirtiest coal-fired power stations.”

Prime Minister Scott Morrison was also present at the announcement and was asked for a comment. All he could do was smirk and hold up a lump of coal.

Image: Darren England

Why does Gina Rinehart sponsor water sports?

EXCLUSIVE: Billionaire Gina Rinehart has revealed why she donates so much money to the federations and athletes of water-based sports in Australia. Rinehart’s company, Hancock Prospecting, is one of the major sponsors of sports such as Swimming and Rowing and has funded many of the Olympic gold medals Australia has won in recent years.

“Australia will soon be underwater,” Rinehart revealed in an exclusive interview.

“And I am largely responsible for that.”

Most of Australia’s major cities and towns hug the coastline and could soon be threatened by sea levels rising as a result of the climate crisis. Hancock Prospecting is devoted primarily to livestock farming and mining, which are driving climate change and forcing ice caps to melt. Furthermore, Rinehart wields enormous political power in Australia and has helped prevent the nation from making the transition to renewable energy.

“It is so important for all Australians to be competent swimmers, and to know how to manage a water-based vessel as sea levels rise,” Rinehart continued.

“As sea levels rise, most Australians will have to travel by water and deal with more extreme storms and floods, unless people like me stop using traditional farming methods and stop burning fossil fuels. This is why I pour so much money into sports like swimming and rowing – aside from the PR benefits and the opportunity to distract everyday Aussies from the damage my businesses do to the planet.”

“I don’t sponsor sports such as Cycling, Athletics or Hockey because you can’t play Hockey underwater (except at Uni games) and you can’t run, jump throw or cycle underwater.”

Hancock Prospecting is the major sponsor of Swimming Australia and a major partner of Rowing Australia, and is called the “matriarch” of the Australian Dolphins Swim Team. She has sponsored Australian swimming since 1992, and her ‘generous direct financial support’ is described as ‘especially critical to Swimming Australia’ for it allows athletes to ‘focus on their on their training and performance and not be distracted by financial pressures that most athletes face’.

In recognition of the amount of money Rinehart has given to sports such as rowing and swimming, she was awarded an Order of Merit by the Australian Olympic Committee (interalia), and is described as an ‘inspiration’ to Australian swimmers.

Asked if she would donate some of her considerable wealth to other countries even more directly threatened by rising sea levels, such as Australia’s neighbours in the South Pacific, Rinehart replied:

“No, I’m a patriot.”

Image: Patrick Hamilton

Shock as Aussie athletes forced to hand back Olympic medals.

EXCLUSIVE: Australian athletes and fans have reacted with horror to news that all Tokyo 2020 medal winners must surrender their medals to Gina Rinehart.

Athletes will present their gold, silver or bronze medals to Rinehart’s representatives upon returning to Australia, according to a statement from Hancock Prospecting, Rinehart’s family company.

“Gina Rinehart owns the Australian Olympic team,” began the statement from Hancock Prospecting.

“She also owns all of the metal on Australian land, whether it be in the ground or out of the ground, or even in the form of an Olympic medal. Gold, silver and bronze are all mined in Australia in some form, and Ms Rinehart consequently and rightly claimed ownership of all such metals returning to Australia from Tokyo.”

It is believed the medals will all be melted down to base metals before being exported in this form throughout the world. Depending on the number of medals Australia wins, one gold, silver and bronze medal may be salvaged for display at Hancock Prospecting headquarters.

It is also believed that this was the motivation behind Rinehart’s support of Australian sport. She is possibly the largest individual donor to Olympic sport in Australian history and heavily supports sports such as Swimming and Rowing in which Australia nearly always wins Olympic medals.

Rinehart has swamped Channel 7 with commercials during the official coverage of the Tokyo Olympic Games in order to remind Australians of the influence she wields over sport and the nation in general. The ads boast of the company’s sponsorship of many Australian sporting teams and they align the company with Australia’s consistently high ranking in international sport. They fail to align the company with Australia’s consistently high ranking in environmental destruction and its contribution to the climate crisis.

Australia has the world’s highest per capita carbon footprint, some of the world’s worst rates of land clearing and has some of the world’s highest rates of carbon emissions, due largely to Rinehart’s core businesses of mining and agriculture.

Fans have rushed to social media to condemn Rinehart’s actions, labelling them heartless, greedy and UnAustralian. Many Aussies have also called on the Australian government to protect the nation’s sporting heroes, to which Rinehart’s spokesperson replied:

“Gina owns the LNP.”

Politicians such as Barnaby Joyce, Matt Canavan, Angus Taylor, Keith Pitt and Scott Morrison usually jump at the opportunity to piggy-back on Australian sporting success, but have not commented on the issue.

Rinehart’s spokesperson also said:

“Stealing Olympic medals from Aussie athletes is not UnAustralian. The fact that 83% of Australia’s mining industry is foreign owned, now that’s UnAustralian.”

Australians declare themselves Nation-Neutral.

Increasing numbers of Australians are identifying as nation-neutral in response to the country’s collective behaviour and its tattered international reputation.

People who identify as nation-neutral are Australian citizens and residents who do not adhere to traditional notions of patriotism or nationalism, not even while athletes are competing in national colours during the Tokyo Olympic Games. Nation-neutral people include citizens living in Australia and those stranded overseas due to the government’s mismanagement of the COVID-19 pandemic.

Nation-neutral people do not refer to themselves as Australian, or any other nationality, and do so for various reasons. The recent lockdowns have caused a surge in nation-neutral identification, as citizens realise the federal government has failed dismally to organise quarantine and the vaccination rollout, but keeps getting voted back into power by a gullible populace.

Self-identification is also the result of Australia’s contribution to and inaction on climate change, including the destruction of native wildlife and the power of the fossil fuel industry. This has ruined Australia’s international reputation and encouraged people to hide their nationality.

Others cite the treatment of Indigenous Australians and the growing racism which is reflected in the exclusive patriotism which is sweeping the nation. People also point to the treatment of refugees, the lack of respect for education and academia and the declining rates of literacy and numeracy. Further reasons include the treatment of women across all sectors of society, the inadequate national internet service, the state of aged care and disability services and the country’s simple economy which relies on mining, agriculture and tourism.

Nation-neutral people are not stateless, nor are they sovereign citizens. A stateless person is described as

‘a person who is not considered as a national by any state under the operation of its law’ whereas nation-neutral people still hold citizenship and are beholden to the laws of the nation. Sovereign citizens, meanwhile, believe that they are not obliged to obey the laws of the country in which they live, and normally refuse to pay tax. In contrast, nation-neutral people are law-abiding citizens who work, pay taxes, raise families and contribute to their local community.

Some nation-neutral people refer to themselves as ‘Global Citizens’, ‘Strained Strayans’, ‘Internationalists’ or ‘Estranged Australians’, while many don’t use any particular label, as long as they are not labelled ‘Australian’.

Critics have slammed people who choose to identify in this way. They have condemned the move as an act of treason and declare:

“It’s Australia, if you don’t like it Fuck Off!”

Critics also labelled nation-neutral identification as another example of politically-correct, woke, cancel culture inspired by inner-city, latte-sipping, left-wing hipsters. At the same time, however, many people are themselves identifying as nation-neutral because they fear Australia is being taken over by politically-correct, woke, cancel culture inspired by inner-city, latte-sipping, left-wing hipsters.

Nation-neutral people are adamant their status is fluid. They say they will identify as Australian when the country fixes the problems that led them to deny their nationality in the first place. They argue that the problems plaguing the nation all have ready-made solutions, which simply need to be implemented.

Spotting a nation-neutral person is not easy, although this may change. Nation-neutral people do not display their status outwardly, but overseas Australians may start putting New Zealand flags on their backpacks just as US backpackers put Canadian flags on their luggage because they are too scared or embarrassed to admit they are American. That said, unless Australia changes its flag and/or becomes a republic, no one will know the difference between the Aussie and Kiwi flags.

The federal government issued a statement via NewsCorp outlets in response to the revelations. Prime Minister Scott Morrison said:

“This is UnAustralian and an act of treason against the nation and Team Australia. Every Aussie should be enormously proud of this nation and what makes it great. We’re all in this together and the only thing that will get us through the challenges of life is patriotism. Anyone who identifies as nation-neutral is a threat to the fabric of our society and they must stop. Just don’t do it.”

The statement also outlined proposed punishments for people identifying as nation-neutral.

“We will imprison them as soon as we send the asylum seekers back to where they came from. We will deport others to various countries who owe us money and have no choice but to accept people into their country who have not been vaccinated. Furthermore, we will immediately strip every nation-neutral person of their passport.”

The final threat is unlikely to have any impact, because most Australians know it will be a long time before they need a passport.

Image: http://www.worldatlas.com

Australia withdraws from Eurovision Song Contest.

Fans of Australian music are distraught after waking to the news that the country will no longer participate in the enormously popular Eurovision Song Contest. The country’s nominated contestant, Montaigne, has been officially withdrawn from the 2021 edition, and the government has steadfastly refused to sanction the participation of any other singer in the international extravaganza at any time in the future.

In the face of scathing criticism across social media platforms, Minister for Communications, Cyber Safety and the Arts, Paul Fletcher, justified his government’s shock decision.

“Australia contributes so little to the overall voting tally of the Eurovision Song Contest every year that there is no point us taking part. We have never won the event so we should leave it to countries who have won the event and who collect more votes to take responsibility for the survival of the competition.”

Average Australians and music devotees slammed these comments.

“The Australian government is blatantly ignoring the evidence,” claimed one outraged fan. “Dami Im finished second in 2016 and we’ve had three more top 10 finishes – look at the facts Minister!”

Other comments were just as negative:

“We may have a smaller population, but we actually got a lot more votes than bigger nations…open your eyes Fletcher!”

“Absolute disgrace – makes me ashamed to be an Aussie”

” gov totally out of touch with Aussies. They must go!”

“Lame excuse. Lame decision. Lame govt”

“Wake up to the modern world – or get out of government”

Experts also fear that if Australia does not embrace the contest, it will become an international pariah and that this could impact negatively on so many aspects of daily life in the country.

Minister Fletcher thanked the organisers of the event for inviting Australia into the competition in 2015, but explained that the land Down Under no longer shared the values of the majority of European nations.

“Most of these countries are transitioning to modern technology with a whole host of new devices which can create and share music, but we in Australia will continue to rely on devices like cassette tapes and CD players.”

“We will not be pressured by outsiders, or even by citizens in our own country, to embrace any of this new technology – nor will be brainwashed into thinking that this technology represents the future. Even if Australia is the only country in the world using cassette tapes in the near future – we will continue to use cassette tapes.”

Minister Fletcher also explained that the decision supported his party’s policy of allocating only minimal funding to Arts and Entertainment.

“We believe this money could be better spent on a CD deck in a mining truck, or a juke box in the break room of a coal seam gas site.”

Image:www.eurovisionworld.com

Australia develops the E-chidna to replace wild echidnas.

Australian scientists have created the E-chidna to replace echidnas in the wild once the country’s natural environment has been successfully destroyed, in what is being hailed as a world first in the creation of electronic wildlife.

The digitised animal looks exactly the same as a wild echidna, but will exist only in animated form. The first E-chidna is set to be released into the world wide web next week, and a female counterpart will soon follow. It is hoped the pair will breed and populate cyberspace with little baby E-chidnas.

“The E-chidna is a source of pride for all Aussies,” announced Minister for the Environment, Sussan Ley. “It epitomises this country’s attitude towards and treatment of the natural environment, and it will replace wild echidnas when they and other native animals become extinct.”

The minister then outlined how successive federal and state environment ministers contributed to the birth of the E-chidna through support of the fossil fuel industry, traditional agricultural practices, land clearing and overdevelopment, as well as a general apathy towards the protection of Australia’s natural environment.

“They are all here with us in spirit,” Ley said of the ministers, “and their actions should not be forgotten today. Every minister could have chosen to spend the E-chidna budget on protecting the natural environment and saving the wild animals, but their dedication to environmental destruction has been vindicated today.”

Ley also boasted that the E-chidna represents a watershed moment in government and private sector cooperation. She explained that much of the research and development was funded by the donations from the fossil fuel industry, the farming lobby, property developers and large scale irrigators, without whom none of this would have been possible.

Observers have compared the E-chidna to the Tamagotchi, a Japanese electronic pet, but highlighted one major difference between the two electronic animals. The Tamagotchi had to be fed and cared for by its owner, or it would die, whereas the E-chidna will simply be neglected, just like its wild cousin.

Ley also boasted that the E-chidna is only the beginning of an exciting scientific journey.

“This country has the highest rate of native mammal extinction in the world – which is another source of pride for Aussies, and means we have a backlog of wild animals to replicate in digital form. The Tasmanian E-Tiger is ready for release, and we’re also determined to wipe out species such as the Black-flanked Rock-wallaby, the Eastern Curlew, the Gouldian Finch, the Northern Quoll and the Black-footed Tree Rat. Our tech experts are already working on the E-versions of all of those animals, so they can be released as soon as the animals become extinct. It’s quite exciting.”

The E-chidnas will be visible to anyone searching the internet, anywhere in the world, so people will not have to visit Australia to witness this unique and fascinating creature. This created concern among the tourism sector, which relies heavily on Australia’s natural wonders to generate income.

In response, Ley argued that destroying Australia’s wildlife is further proof that her party is good at managing the economy.

Image: Jacob Dyer

Coffee doesn’t have to cost the earth.

What is a fair price to pay for coffee? Would you content yourself with a quick and easy $1 coffee from a convenience store, or can you justify spending $US80 for Kopi Luwak that has been digested by an Indonesian civet?

The price you pay for your coffee is entirely up to you and your taste buds, but what about the price to the planet? The cultivation, consumption and disposal of coffee all impact on the natural environment, and the choices individuals make on a daily basis can have a positive or negative impact on the planet.

Coffee Cups

You’ve probably witnessed the following scene:

“Morning Jay”

“Morning Tim”

“The usual?”

“Yes, please,” replies Jay, trying in vain to suppress a yawn.

“One skim latte, one sugar,” calls Tim to his fellow bearded barista, who frantically scribbles Jay’s initials and the order code on the lid of a disposable cup.

“Long night?” asks Tim

“Oh, yeah, final pitch for a big client this morning, so not much sleep”

“Well, this’ll help,” promises Tim, handing Jay the skim latte.

“You’re a lifesaver,” replies Jay, taking a desperate sip before hurrying to the office. “See you tomorrow!”

Jay is like so many people in urban areas of developed countries who collect their caffeinated elixir on the way to the office five days a week in a disposable coffee cup.

Five cups a week.

40 – 50 weeks a year.

200 – 250 cups per year in landfill.

For one person.

But cups are biodegradable

Not all of them. Thankfully technology has improved sufficiently to make some disposable cups more biodegradable, but many are not and still contain plastic to make them watertight. In some parts of the world takeaway coffee is always served in cups that are not biodegradable – they don’t even try to be sustainable. Furthermore, one biodegradable coffee cup in landfill is still worse than no disposable cup in landfill.

Get a reusable coffee cup.

Get yourself a reusable coffee cup. Maybe get two in case you forget to wash one before heading out. If you can afford regular take away coffee, you can afford one or two reusable cups.

What about COVID-19?

Yes, the COVID-19 pandemic prevented cafes and vendors from accepting reusable cups over concerns for hygiene – understandably. However, in regions which are lifting restrictions some vendors are now accepting reusable cups again.

Disposable cups for dine in

I still don’t understand why people order coffee in a disposable cup when they know they’ll consume it at the cafe. They sit there happily sipping away on their coffee dissecting last night’s episode of their favourite reality TV show, when they could have taken their coffee in a coffee mug.

The owner of a cafe once told me that people prefer disposbale cups because they think they keep the coffee warm for longer, or because they just like the feel of the disposable cup.

Do they like the feel of climate change?

Surely it’s better to consume coffee in a mug that was designed specifically for the consumption of coffee. Also, do European cafes, especially in France or Italy, serve coffee in disposable cups for customers dining in?

What about Brazil?

Brazil is as famous for coffee as it is for football. Anecdotal evidence suggests this habit is very uncommon in Brazil. Apparently, it is also forbidden in some larger Brazilian cities to serve coffee in a disposable cup to customers who are dining in.

Why can’t this rule be introduced in other parts of the world?

Coffee Grounds

Coffee grounds are the most visible by-product of coffee consumption. They can either make their way into landfill or into a garden. They can even become furniture.

Coffee grounds at home

Coffee grounds can be put into worms farms or compost bins. This is easy for households using these sustainable waste management systems. Just throw them in with your food scraps and other biodegradable material. I’ve always wondered, does caffeine have the same effect on worms as it does on humans? Does it make them more productive or more hungry? I wonder if the worms tell their companions;

“Don’t come near me until I’ve had some caffeine”

Some backyard gardeners will put their coffee grounds straight into their gardens, mixed in with the soil. There are different ways to do this based on the soil type, climate, season, region and type of plants. Some cafes will even give away used coffee grounds to customers for this purpose. Before adding grounds to your garden, do some research and seek advice from experts, because adding them incorrectly can harm some plants.

Organic

It’s even more beneficial to the earth if the coffee grounds themselves are organic. This means that the coffee has been grown with only natural chemicals which protect the soil and the waterways which are used to grow the crops. It’s also healthier for your body and for the soil which will be created in the compost system and later transferred to your garden.

It has also been found that treating coffee in a certain way can help to capture greenhouse gases.

Coffee grounds at cafes

As well as offering used grounds to customers for gardening, many cafes are now recycling their grounds in other ways. Organisations throughout the world collect grounds from cafes in urban areas and take them to places where they can be added to compost or transformed into other products.

Warm, soothing coffee

In the UK, coffee keeps people warm and toasty even after it has been consumed. A company called bio-bean acquires grounds from universities, businesses and train stations throughout the country and converts them into coffee logs for use in fireplaces.

The logs apparently burn 20% hotter and longer than kiln-dried wood. Plus, the logs are said to generate 80% fewer emissions than sending coffee grounds to landfill.

On a larger scale, coffee grounds are being turned into biofuels and even cleaning products. Research has found that grounds are rich in natural oils, potassium and nitrogen, and have an abrasive texture that makes them suitable as cleaning products.

So, next time your house mate leaves coffee stains throughout the house, remember that they’re actually cleaning…

Some people even use caffeine to clean their hair, as they claim that it loosens and removes residue left behind by styling products.

Endless benefits

The uses of coffee grounds are almost endless. People have found ways to use them for everything from ‘gardeners soap’ to insect repellent, as well as repairing furniture, tenderising or marinating meat and protecting pets from fleas or keeping them away from your plants.

It doesn’t end there.

Printing

The RITI Printer converts grounds into printer ink, and is labelled the coffee printer. What’s more, the device itself uses much less electricity than standard printers, and the vessel that holds the used coffee grounds (or old tea leaves) can be refilled.

Furniture

Re-worked, a non-profit design company, combines coffee grounds with with recycled waste plastics to form a composite material which is durable and waterproof, and can be used to make home furnishings including chairs, bar stools, and…coffee tables.

Coffee in coffee

It had to be done.

It was just a matter of time.

A coffee cup made from coffee grounds.

A young German chap by the name of Julian Lechner created Kaffeeform, which produces espresso cups and saucers made out of coffee grounds combined with sustainably sourced wood and natural glues.

That smell…

Everyone loves the smell of coffee. No one loves the smell of body odour. A Taiwanese company called S. Cafe produces sports clothing with coffee grounds woven into yarn which helps remove the body odour from the clothing.

These clothes should be given to every teenage boy on the planet – deodorant can only cover so much…

The company also boasts that its clothes are fast-drying and protect wearers from UV rays.

Yes, you can wear your coffee on your sleeve.

Coffee is a daily ritual for so many people throughout the world. The cultivation, consumption and disposal of elements involved in the production of a cup of coffee can harm the environment, or can protect the planet if enough intelligent, considerate people take small steps to make sure coffee doesn’t cost the earth.

Images: Nathan Dumlao, Noora AlHammadi, Van Thanh

Winter Olympic Games to be held in The Middle East.

The International Olympic Committee has made the astounding announcement that the 2030 Winter Olympic Games will be held in the desert, with Qatar, Bahrain, Oman and the UAE to co-host the first edition of the games to take place nowhere near a mountain.

When asked to explain the shock decision, the IOC stated bluntly,

“The world will run out of snow.”

“Climate change is warming the globe and melting snow and ice throughout the world, as well as making weather patterns unpredictable. Accurate scientific evidence tells us that there will not be enough deep natural snow on any of the world’s peaks in the near future. As a result, the IOC has been forced to move the prestigious event indoors where athletes will compete on man-made snow.”

The Gulf States were chosen to host the historic sporting event because they already have indoor winter sports facilities such as ice rinks and ski slopes. In addition, their main revenue source, oil, has contributed greatly to the climate crisis which has rendered outdoor competition impossible.

Indoor winter sports venues emulating Ski Dubai will be built throughout the host nations to cater for the vast array of sports which now comprise the Winter Olympic program. Some disciplines, however, look set to be scrapped from the games forever.

The change in venue will not affect sports such as Ice Hockey, Figure Skating, Short Track, Speed Skating and Curling as they already take place indoors, but it will have major implications for the remaining disciplines.

“We have received assurance that Bobsleigh, Luge and Skeleton will still go ahead,” stated the spokesperson. “The roller coasters that are found in some shopping malls in this part of the world will be reconfigured to hold the sleighs used in these disciplines, allowing spectators to watch the competition from the food court.”

The IOC is also working with the International Ski Federation (FIS) and the host nations to construct suitable indoor venues for disciplines such as Aerial Skiing and Moguls, Ski and Snowboard Cross and Halfpipe, as well as snowboard Parallel Giant Slalom.

“Slopestyle may have to take place on the sand dunes,” conceded the spokesperson, “but at least it offers competitors an entirely new aesthetic for their Instagram posts.”

And what of the future of Big Air?

“Depends how big the airs are.”

Other traditional Winter Olympic disciplines face huge challenges as a result of the climate change induced move to the Middle East. Cross Country Skiing events and biathlon will be carried out on loop courses of 1 kilometre in length, meaning competitors in the 50km Cross Country race will be going round and round and round…

Biathlon competitors, meanwhile, will be forced to complete multiple laps of the 15 metre-long penalty loop every time they miss a target, reminiscent of athletes training during COVID-19 lockdown.

Alpine skiers who excel in the technical forms of the sport, such as Slalom and Giant Slalom, will notice little change to their events, except that they will take place indoors.

Downhill and Super G racers will unfortunately have to look for another sport.

“None of the venues will be tall enough to host a Downhill or Super G race,” stated organisers, “…and you can’t ski down the Burj Khalifa (yet)”

The IOC and FIS had initially considered simply starting downhill races further up mountains to find snow, but this proved unfeasible for many reasons.

“By 2030 snow will be found only on the very, very high mountains and the altitude will harm athletes who are already pushing their bodies to the limit. Also, electronic timing equipment may not work at such heights and the weather is a lot more extreme and unpredictable. Furthermore, chairlifts do not reach these heights, and nobody wants to ride a T Bar for that long. In addition helicopters used in broadcasting and medical emergencies can only fly so high”

As a result, downhill and Super G races will cease to exist in 2030 and beyond.

Critics of the plan argue the organisers should have simply used man-made snow on existing slopes, but organisers reminded them that snowmaking only works when the ground is cold enough.

“Global warming and climate change is heating the ground, so any man-made snow would simply melt, and this event is called the Winter Olympics, not the Muddy Olympics.”

Images: http://www.skimag.com, http://www.gettyimages.com

RSPCA raids Parliament House.

The Royal Society for the Protection and Care of Animals (RSPCA) has carried out raids on Australia’s federal parliament in response to repeated reports of animal cruelty.

The animal welfare organisation carried out the raids in Canberra after mounting evidence linked the destruction of Australia’s wildlife to the actions and policies of politicians.

“Australia is killing its native animals,” stated a spokesperson for the RSPCA “This is the direct result of decisions made by politicians from all sides of politics.”

“Australia has the highest rate of native mammal extinction in the world, despite the fact that non-indigenous Australians have only been here for about 230 years.”

The raids uncovered deliberate policies and gross inaction from the major political parties which have contributed to the decline of native animals across the country.

Documents, archival records and electronic communication revealed that native animals are disappearing due to the presence of feral animals, the climate crisis, bush fires, reliance on fossil fuel, land clearing and drought.

Feral animals such as cats, foxes and cane toads have wiped out many native animals, and feral horses continue to cause widespread ecological damage in alpine regions, despite decades of requests from numerous groups to have the brumbies removed.

Feral and domestic cats are still the most destructive introduced species in the country, but domestic cats are still allowed to roam freely day and night, and cat breeding is still a legal and lucrative business.

The climate crisis was also discovered to have detroyed many of the county’s native animals, and Australia has played a large part in this ongoing disaster.

“Australia has the highest per-capita carbon footprint in the world,” explained the spokesperson, “…and scientific evidence tells us that this is caused largely by the burning of fossil fuels and traditional agricultural methods. Despite this, politicians from both parties insist on opening new fossil fuel projects and neglecting renewable energy.”

The RSPCA is itself heavily involved in the rehabilitation of native wildlife which suffered due to the most recent bush fires, and found that a comprehensive plan to prevent further destructive bush fires has still not been developed.

“Habitat loss is another major contributor to native animal deaths, and some experts believe Koalas could become extinct in the near future. Despite this, politicians are drafting new laws to allow more land clearing, or failing to enforce existing laws which prevent land clearing.”

The raids also uncovered gross incompetence and corruption in the management of water resources in the world’s driest continent, particularly along the Murray-Darling basin.

“The Murray-Darling debacle has caused yet more native wildlife to perish, and this network stretches across various states. For this reason, we will also conduct raids on state and territory parliaments in the near future if the country’s water resources, and other natural resources, are not properly managed to give native wildlife a fair dinkum chance to survive and prosper.”

In response to the raids, Prime Minister Scott Morrison took a photo with a wombat.

Australia kills the Winter Olympic Games.

The Winter Olympic Games will cease after 2022 as Australia’s rising carbon emissions rid the world of snow.

Australia has the world’s largest per-capita carbon emissions and is contributing massively to the climate crisis which is melting the snow and ice on which winter sports take place.

Australia’s carbon emissions come primarily from the fossil fuel industry and agriculture, and from the current Liberal National Party (LNP) which is a strong supporter of the fossil fuel industry and traditional agricultural methods.

The nation’s leaders showed little regard for the consequences of their policies, however.

“Why should Australia care about the Winter Olympics, we contribute to such a small percentage of the overall medal tally that it doesn’t matter to us if the games go ahead,” stated a spokesperson for the government of Australia.

“We’ve only ever won five gold medals, and one of those because all of the other skaters fell over.”

The current prime minister, Scott Morrison, famously took a lump of coal into parliament question time in support of coal mining, and Morrison won the 2019 federal election in which the climate crisis was a central issue. More than 50% of the voting public re-elected the party which supports the fossil fuel industry.

Australia’s overall carbon emissions have actually risen in recent years, and extreme weather events such as drought and bush fires are becoming worse. Furthermore, the government recently established the National COVID-19 Commission Advisory Board to chart Australia’s economic recovery from the pandemic, and instead of appointing members from a cross-section of the community, filled it largely with representatives from the fossil fuel industry who are campaigning to have taxpayers fund more projects in the coal and gas sector.

In recent years, the LNP has responded to criticism of its carbon footprint by arguing that Australia contributes so little to the total world emissions that taking action to reduce emissions is pointless.

The NSW state government, also LNP, recently approved the opening of new coal mines under Sydney’s water catchment, hoping to not only destroy the Winter Olympics, but to also destroy the water which Sydneysiders drink.

Winter sports athletes and those who work in the sector have been denied the right to speak about the issue, but the government assured them their futures are secure despite killing off their livelihood.

“They can always get a job down a mine.”

Image: Alex Lange