Scott Morrison finally gets what he wants.

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has finally been accepted as a real tradie after being exposed in a segment on A Current Affair.

Morrison was left floundering during an interview with host Tracey Grimshaw on a program which devotes itself to exposing dodgy tradies, repairmen and other occupations that Scott has imitated since becoming prime minister.

Viewers of A Current Affair watched Morrison suffer a ‘brutal takedown’ during the interview with Grimshaw, which aired on a channel which has been very sympathetic to the prime minister since he came to power. It came about the same time that Morrison rudely dismissed a journalist’s question as to why he has not appeared on NITV, the national Indigenous network, during the election campaign.

A Current Affair follows the formula of any modern commercial current affairs program. It runs countless stories exposing small-time cheats and scammers such as dodgy tradies, fridge repairmen, loan sharks, lawyers or small businesses, instead of pursuing big time cheaters such as political doners or the politicians themselves. It goes after very easy targets. If it does run stories on politicians, it is likely to be an ‘expose’ of a local council’s failure to repair a few potholes.

A Current Affair is nowhere near ‘investigative journalism’, and yet Morrison couldn’t even survive an interview on a show of this nature.

Ironically, Morrison has now been reduced to the status of the people he has been imitating in endless photo opportunities since coming to power. He has pretended to weld, drive trucks, use military hardware, bake, pour beer, build a cubbyhouse, run water for a football team and even wash a woman’s hair in a salon.

If only A Current Affair and its counterparts would run a story exposing his failure to be prime minister.

Image: Getty Images

Sydney Boys High School becomes a trade school.

Sydney Boys High School will become a trade school in honour of old-boy Scott Morrison and his endless attempts to be a tradie.

The academically-selective school in Sydney will now be known as Moore Park Boys Heteronormative Pentecostal Vocational Learning Centre (MPBHPVLC), and will teach only vocational courses.

Boys will no longer study Extension Maths or English, nor French continuers, Economics or Physics, and must instead study for careers which Morrison has pretended to do while prime minister.

Courses will be offered in hairdressing, welding and forklift driving, and any other career involving hi-vis and a hard hat. A military cadet unit has also been established and will teach boys how to stand menacingly over a map like a Field Marshal.

Another major change to the school is the introduction of religion. The heteronormative students will pray between every lesson and will start the day with the Lord’s prayer. Chaplains will replace school counsellors and Economics classes will make way for lectures on tax avoidance and attracting government subsidies.

Sydney Boys High School thus becomes the first academically-selective school to convert to vocational education and its fate will be closely monitored by Morrison’s alma mater UNSW, as it considers whether to rename itself Kensington Tech.

One subject that will remain at MPBHPVLC is politics, so that boys can pretend to be prime minister, something Morrison has been doing since 2018.

Image: Element5Digital

Tim Paine in high demand after sexting scandal.

Scott Morrison and Clive Palmer are locked in an epic battle to secure the services of Tim Paine after the cricketer was recently sacked for sexting. The prime minister and the leader of the United Australia Party are desperate for the former national captain to run as a candidate for their respective political parties at the next federal election.

“Tim is perfect for contemporary Australian politics,” announced Morrison as he pitched the Coalition to Paine.

“He is adept at scandalous sexting and mistreating women. Furthermore, he managed to keep it hidden for so many years and this is what impressed us the most. He epitomises the behaviour of the modern Liberal Party member, and he is a sporting hero, so Australians will support him no matter what he does.”

Paine was recently sacked as captain of the Australian test cricket team, which is a more important position than that of prime minister according to many Australians. He was caught sexting lewd, consensual messages to a female administrative colleague – before he was made national captain, but while he was married. Ironically, he was appointed captain due to his clean-cut public image, after the ‘sandpapergate’ scandal resulted in the sacking of the previous captain Steve Smith.

Palmer, the leader of the influential fringe party, believes Paine is better suited to his party.

“Tim’s a great Aussie. He’s a great cricketer, he’s a patriot, he wore the baggy green and he loves his country – and that’s what the UAP is all about. We’re making Australia great again and that’s what Tim did. He improved Australia’s international reputation. It was just a bit of harmless flirting on his phone, just like Warney did – and Warney’s a national hero as well.”

“People say my party’s just a bunch of crazy misfits – but Tim will fit right in here. Plus, if he’s caught mistreating women and sexting as a politician, he won’t be sacked, he’ll be promoted.”

Morrison went on to say that Paine should join the LNP because they can actually form government, before Palmer reminded Morrison that it was the UAP which greatly assisted Morrison to win the unwinnable election in 2019.

“Without me, ScoMo’s nothing,” Palmer declared.

Morrison then reminded Palmer that almost every member of the current LNP government has been involved in some form of corruption or scandalous behaviour, and not one of them has been dismissed, so Paine will be protected.

Paine has so far declined to comment on the offers as he has switched off his phone. Rumours also persist that he has received offers from Pauline Hanson’s One Nation Party and Bob Katter.

Image: Getty Images

EXCLUSIVE: Australian government cures COVID-19.

EXCLUSIVE: The Australian government is being hailed as a saviour after announcing its COVID Capture scheme to end the global pandemic. The world-first scheme will capture all of the COVID-19 from the air and store it in the ground.

“This plan is magnificent in its simplicity,” revealed the Prime Minister Scott Morrison in exclusive correspondence with this publication.

“The plan involves using state-of-the-art technology, as well as butterfly nets, to catch all of the COVID-19 particles that are floating through the air, then store them in the ground. Patients with COVID-19 can also just dig a hole and cough straight into the soil. Particles will stay in the ground forever, or until a foreign-owned mining company digs them up while exploiting fossil fuel reserves. However, we have been advised by Craig Kelly that if the COVID-19 particles attach themselves to fossil fuel particles, they pose absolutely no threat to the wold’s population – just as Clean Coal is 100% safe for the earth.”

“Once we’ve captured all of the COVID-19, we can return to normal.”

The scheme mirrors Carbon Capture and Storage, a technique touted as a ‘technology’ that could help lower carbon emissions. According to experts such as the Climate Council, however:

  • Carbon capture and storage (CCS) is unproven and expensive.
  • Despite billions of dollars being spent in Australia and overseas, no CCS project has yet been delivered on time, on budget, or to agreed performance.
  • The quickest and cheapest way to reduce greenhouse gas emissions is to stop burning coal, gas and oil and replace them with renewables.

Despite this, the government, under the leadership of Greg Hunt (Health), Sussan Ley (Environment) and Angus Taylor (Energy) will proceed with COVID Capture immediately.

“We will mobilise the entire Australian population in this effort. After all, we’re on a war footing and that means we will utilise our defence forces, plus school children and Teachers, the unemployed, those receiving welfare payments, and even doctors, nurses and ambulance workers. The latter will be freed up because no one will suffer from COVID-19 anymore, and our medical facilities will be virtually empty.”

“It really is a genius plan – much like Carbon Capture.”

The highly-touted scheme was invented after other responses to the pandemic proved ineffective, and forced half of Australia to be in some form of lockdown at the time of writing.

“We considered a national vaccine rollout, but that was too hard,” conceded Morrison.

“We tried vaccinating people with slogans, but that didn’t work.”

“We tried lockdowns, but they proved unpopular in focus groups.”

“We called in the army to shoot the virus, but somehow that didn’t work.”

“As a result, we are convinced that COVID Capture is the most efficient, sensible, reasonable long-term strategy for defeating the pandemic.”

Morrison declared the initiative one of the greatest achievements in Australian history.

“This is a momentous occasion for all Australians. Aussies should be proud that this great nation gave the world Carbon Capture, and can be equally proud that we have given the world COVID Capture.”

Image: Susan Gold

Scott Morrison to seek advice from the Sultan of Brunei.

Prime Minister Scott Morrison will hold an extraordinary meeting with the Sultan of Brunei after Australia recently fell behind Brunei in an international report on each country’s level of climate action.

The UN-backed Sustainable Development Solutions Network recently ranked Australia dead last for climate action in the latest Sustainable Development Report, meaning Australia is doing less than a country whose entire economy is dependant on oil.

The report assesses the progress of countries towards achieving the Sustainable Development Goals, and Australia received the lowest score awarded to any of the 193 members of the United Nations for the level of climate action.

“The Prime Minister will meet via video link with His Majesty The Sultan of Brunei to discuss action on climate change,” announced a statement from The Prime Minister’s Office.

“Mr Morrison has deep respect for His Majesty, not just because of his deeply religious national laws or his promises to stone gay people. He also admires his total control of the country’s media and his ability to be worshipped by his subjects despite stealing their futures.”

“Australia will seek advice from a country whose entire economy is dependant on fossil fuels, because Australia is heading in this direction. Our tourism and education sectors have been largely destroyed by COVID-19, and other industries such as agriculture and wine exports are suffering all because of China is being a bully.”

Australia exports almost nothing that requires a university degree to make and continues to spend public money subsidising fossil fuel projects. The current government, led by Morrison, has promoted a ‘gas led recovery’ out of the COVID-19 pandemic and refuses to embrace renewable energy.

“Australia has a lot to learn from Brunei,” continued the statement.

“In fact, Australia has a lot to learn from any of the countries listed in the latest UN report because we ranked last across four core metrics, including the level of emissions from fossil fuel use, embedded emissions in imports and exports and progress towards implementing an effective price on greenhouse gas emissions.”

Sultan Hassanal Bolkiah is famous for being one of the richest people in the world courtesy of the oil reserves found in his tiny South-East Asian nation. He is also famous for introducing strict Sharia law and for failing to diversify the country’s economy to prepare for a future without oil.

In the 2020 edition of the UN report, Brunei ranked behind Australia for level of climate action, but is now ahead because Australia ranked among the top three countries for exported greenhouse gas emissions per capita. Australia also placed among the top ten countries for per capita fossil fuel use.

Sources close to the prime minister believe he will also use the meeting to ask the Sultan how to impose strict and repressive religious laws on an entire nation.

Image: http://www.ft.com

Delay, delay then save the day.

I think I figured it out. I discovered Scott Morrison’s strategy for dealing with crises. Delay, delay then save the day.

Let a crisis descend to a state of utter desperation then announce yourself as the saviour of the nation. Propose a solution which is not of your making and which should have been implemented long, long ago, and take all of the credit.

I can see this clearly now. I’m not a political strategist, nor even a keen follower of party politics, but even I can see the strategy.

Morrison announces a plan in such a way that state leaders are presented as the impediment to personal freedom and as the architects of restrictive lockdowns. This strategy is dependant upon doing nothing effective to solve the problem when it arises. The LNP did nothing to facilitate a coherent vaccination rollout. The federal government did nothing to manage nationwide quarantine facilities. The LNP did nothing to effectively manage the arrival of people from overseas.

COVIDSafe was an expensive waste of time. It failed.

Vaccination rollout was so slow the states took it upon themselves to create mass vaccination hubs.

So incompetent is the government’s response to the pandemic that it has to have been deliberate. Even if bumbling politicians are inept and out of their depth, some of their staffers, advisers and department heads are competent and capable of dealing with a crisis. Australia should not still be in lockdown, and waiting for vaccinations, in July 2021.

At some point since early 2020, the federal LNP must have realised that they were incapable of managing the response to the pandemic, and decided that the only way to save the public reputation of their leader was to let the crisis deepen, then swoop in at the last minute and claim to save the day.

The prime minister did just that. He recently gathered state leaders, then the mainstream media, and announced a plan for guiding Australia out of the COVID crisis. The announcement included promises to end lockdowns and open borders, and to have most Australians vaccinated in the near future. Once these measures are taken, Australia can return to some form of normal.

Australians are sick of lockdowns, Morrison promised to end lockdowns.

Australians want borders open, Morrison promised to open borders.

Australians want international travel to resume, Morrison promised to allow international travel.

He didn’t say exactly when. He didn’t say how. His advisors cleverly used vague language to hint at positive changes which will occur at some time in the future.

The announcement was made in such a way that it presents Morrison and the LNP government as the saviours. It dismisses the efforts of medical staff, state leaders and competent people within Australia who have worked behind the scenes day after day to prevent the deaths of thousands of people.

And it works.

The strategy works.

Many Australian people will see Morrison as their saviour. It helps to have the entire NewsCorp media network serving as your private propaganda network. It helps to have the mainstream media reprinting press releases and failing to hold the government to account. It helps to have the Murdoch press launch a sustained and personal attack on Victorian Labor Premier Dan Andrews, and to defend the actions of Liberal premiers and the federal government.

It helps to have a compliant media serve as chief distractor. During the pandemic, and the recent floods and bushfires, distractions were always at hand to draw people’s attention away from the current disaster. Morrison went missing at some point during all of these major crises, even famously escaping to Hawaii and inviting himself to a G7 summit. He said and did nothing in the midst of the crisis, then emerged triumphantly to do what he does best; hold a press conference.

He conveniently took credit for a massive seizure of illicit drugs in Australia. A drug bust carried out by police, but announced by Morrison. Australians were also conveniently distracted when the government announced a multi-million dollar upgrade to the War Memorial in Canberra, and when Morrison decided to change one word in the national anthem.

Morrison will now be seen as the man who ended lockdown. The man who opened the borders. The man who fixed quarantine. The man who got Australia back to normal. This could all have happened long ago if it were not for one man…Scott Morrison.

Image:www.gettyimages.com

Australia’s most popular actor revealed.

Australians are in shock after a recent survey revealed that the country’s most popular actor is Scott Morrison and not international superstars such as Hugh Jackman, Cate Blanchett, Russell Crowe, Nicole Kidman, Mel Gibson or Chris Hemsworth.

“Scott Morrison pretends to be Prime Minister,” stated the survey’s authors when explaining the surprising result, “…and good actors pretend.”

“An actor attempts to convince the audience they are someone they are not, and Morrison has done that very successfully since he back-stabbed Malcolm Turnbull to become PM in 2018. Morrison is clearly not a leader, but he played the part so well that he fooled more than 50% of the voting public and was re-elected in 2019. That is a masterful piece of acting.”

Stunned observers and members of the public argued that all of the actors listed above have a far greater international standing and profile than Morrison, and are all more popular. In response, experts referenced a number of key factors which earned Morrison the top spot.

“Firstly, consider Morrison’s nicknames: Liar from The Shire – all actors ‘lie’ about being the character they portray and Morrison clearly does this expertly. Scotty From Marketing and Scotty from Photo Ops also suggest an obsession with image, a veneer, a facade, and a well-honed persona. In other words, a character. Morrison is a persona, who appears relentlessly at the football, behind the wheel of a truck, drinking beer, doing handyman jobs. More discerning audiences automatically identify the flaws in all of those performances, but the masses don’t, and the masses vote, which is why a huge number of them voted for him in this survey. Furthermore, Morrison does nothing. Apart from photo ops, he does nothing, yet he is still far more popular than the opposition leader. That’s acting!”

Puppet power.

“Of course, it doesn’t hurt having the boss of 20th Century Fox in your corner. In fact, many would argue Rupert Murdoch is Morrison’s creator and puppet master, and none of the aforementioned actors have that kind of powerful support driving their popularity or careers. In contrast, Hugh is a good friend of Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner”

Survey authors offered more insights into the results. They stated that actors must persuade audiences to suspend disbelief, and that Morrison and his huge PR team do that so well. In contrast, everyone knows Hugh doesn’t have steel blades popping out of his knuckles. Everyone knows Cate is not an elf, and Russell is no master of the sword. Mel didn’t free Scotland with nothing more than a kilt, and Nicole never rode a BMX down a waterslide. Chris finished behind Morrison in the survey because he obviously doesn’t command a flying hammer, but there is another reason he failed to win.

“Aussie men are intimidated by Chris’ impossibly-chiselled physique, whether they admit it or not. No one is intimidated by Scotty in speedos.”

Not only is Scotty more popular than Australia’s best actors, he is probably earning more than all of them. The PM collects a handsome salary, while COVID-19 has halted production of movies, TV series and theatre shows, so even the richest actors are earning very little right now. Compounding this is the Morrison government’s refusal to allocate adequate funding to the Arts and Entertainment sector in Australia despite the financial blow of the global pandemic. Cynical observers asked if Morrison deliberately withheld funding knowing that it would increase his chances of topping the survey, to which organisers replied:

“Well, he craves popularity”

Image: Benoit Debaix

Scott Morrison changes national anthem just weeks before the Olympics.

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has dropped the word ‘Advance’ from the Australian national anthem and has instructed the IOC to play the new anthem if Australians win gold at the Tokyo Olympic Games. The national hymn will now be known as ‘Australia Fair’ after Morrison made the shock announcement from Parliament House.

“Australia is not advancing,” he stated.

“If anything, the country is going backwards, so keeping the word ‘advance’ in the title and in the anthem is misleading.”

“If Australia was advancing, we would embrace renewable energy and phase out fossil fuels. If Australia was advancing, we would respect Indigenous Australians and the world’s oldest surviving culture. If Australia was advancing, women would be paid equally and treated fairly. If Australia was advancing, koalas would not face extinction. If Australia was advancing, our national broadband network would work. If Australia was advancing, women would not be getting harassed in parliament house. If Australia was advancing, public education would be adequately funded and literacy and numeracy levels would improve. If Australia was advancing, Rupert Murdoch would not have so much control of our media. If Australia was advancing, Clive Palmer would not be able to influence the outcome of a federal election. If Australia was advancing, most federal coalition politicians would have been sacked for their corruption or immorality. If Australia was advancing, we would not lock up asylum seekers indefinitely. If Australia was advancing, Pauline Hanson would still be selling fish and chips. If Australia was advancing, the populace wouldn’t be easily swayed by slogans and nicknames. If Australia was advancing, we would not be destroying The Great Barrier Reef.

“If Australia was advancing, I wouldn’t be prime minister, so it was imperative that we drop that word from the anthem before I announce the next election.”

Morrison first changed the anthem in December 2020. He changed the second line from “for we are young and free” to “we are one and free”. The change was the only work he did all year, and earned him a Christmas holiday. Following this most recent change, he is expected to take another holiday with Jen and the girls.

Official instructions have already been sent to schools, government departments and every athlete so far chosen to represent Australia in Tokyo, informing them of the changes.

Meanwhile, Australians and the media were left shocked at the sudden announcement. Many are angry that they were not consulted and are dismayed that the national hymn can be changed permanently with such ease, and some wanted to know if the word advance can ever be returned to the song.

“Only if my party gets voted out,” answered Morrison.

One perplexed citizen commented on social media that Australia Fair is the name of a giant shopping mall in Southport on the Gold Coast, Queensland. He questioned whether a national anthem should take the name of a large, soulless, characterless, generic shrine to capitalism full of stupefied citizens, to which Morrison replied,

“Of course. That’s the country I’m creating”

Image: http://www.worldatlas.com

ScoMo is UnAustralian.

A nickname is truly Australian.

It’s central to Aussie culture. Every Aussie gets at least one nickname during their lifetime. Expectant parents even have to consider how a name will be shortened or adapted before choosing a name for their newborn.

Nicknames can be ironic. Redheads are called Bluey. Tall people are called Shorty and fat people are called Slim. Turbo earned his nickname because he’s so slow.

Nicknames can be descriptive. Diesel plays footy. He’s big and strong, but can only run at one speed, so he’s called Diesel. Warren will be called Rabbit, or Rabs. Andrew Appledorf was called Strudel.

Nicknames can be cryptic. I once met a man known as Pockets. His real name is Paul – I still don’t know why he’s called Pockets.

Having a nickname is quintessentially Australian, and those nicknames are rarely complimentary. Colin was called Cul-de-sac because he lived in a cul-de-sac and had a prominent and expanding bald patch on top of his head. Poor Colin. Tony was called Shadow because he was always following around his older brothers. Richard Crane was called…well you can probably guess. In Aussie culture, you’re not meant to like your nickname. Nicknames are bestowed upon their owners – by someone else, and this is why giving yourself a nickname is UnAustralian.

Scott Morrison gave himself the nickname ScoMo. The prime minister, or his sizeable marketing team, created the nickname deliberately to make him seem more Australian, more likable, more down-to-earth, more in touch with the common people. It worked. The nickname endeared him to the Australian people and helped him win an ‘unwinnable’ election in 2019.

Scott Morrison is destroying Australia. He is owned by the fossil fuel industry, which is wreaking environmental and economic damage on Australia. His government has bungled the vaccine rollout and only 2% of the population is fully vaccinated. He started a war of words with China which has already cost Australian companies and industries millions of dollars. He did so to score a few political points and to appear strong and decisive. Morrison was hand-picked, and is controlled, by Rupert Murdoch. Rupert Murdoch is a US citizen. That’s UnAustralian.

ScoMo is a nickname that Scotty gave to himself. ScoMo is UnAustralian.

Scotty, don’t give yourself a nickname. Mate, give yourself an uppercut.

Image: http://www.gettyimages.com.au