Scott Morrison recruits Jordan De Goey.

Prime Minster Scott Morrison has appointed AFL player Jordan De Goey as the new Minister for Women due to De Goey’s empathy for women. The appointment ensures that at all times the Liberal National Party will contain one male member who is under investigation for sexual assault.

De Goey is still under investigation for the alleged sexual assault of a woman in 2015. The court case was set to take place in 2020, but was delayed due to COVID-19. Despite the charges, he was allowed to keep playing for the Collingwood Magpies throughout the 2020 season.

“How good is Jordan De Goey!,” gloated Morrison during the announcement.

“I’ve never been much of a fan of AFL, but I will be if it helps me win votes. I do know that Mr De Goey is a fine young man with a great understanding of women, and is a great role model for all Australian men.”

Morrison said he made contact with the talented player via former Collingwood president Eddie McGuire.

“I’d forgotten that King Kong joke Eddie made, and I asked him to tell it to me again. Mate – classic. While we were chatting, he recommended Jordan and I didn’t hesitate to offer him the job.”

“Apart from being charged with sexual assault, Jordan also lied about hurting his hand while at a nightclub. He said he hurt it playing with his dog, then, even better, he made his coach go and tell the media that lie as well. There’s nothing wrong with making someone else cop the flack for a mistake you made…”

The sexual assault allegation was investigated by the AFL Integrity Unit and Victoria Police in 2018, and no charges were laid.

“Jordan didn’t even have to stand down from playing, and a lot of my cabinet, especially Christian Porter, want to know how he managed that.”

De Goey will begin the role immediately, and will lead a special group comprising coalition members such as Christian Porter, Barnaby Joyce, Alan Tudge and Peter Dutton. The group will report directly to the prime minister, except when he needs to be able to claim plausible deniability.

Image: AAP Images

Scott Morrison recruits Darren Lockyer.


Prime Minister Scott Morrison has appointed former rugby league player Darren Lockyer as the federal Minister for Women due to Lockyer’s dedication to the rights of women. The appointment ensures that the Liberal National Party will always contain one male member who has been involved in a controversy surrounding sexual assault.

Morrison persuaded the former Australian captain to join the coalition while they were both attending a summit to advance the interests of the fossil fuel industry. The prime minister was particularly attracted to Lockyer’s ability to make light of accusations of sexual assault.

“How good is Darren Lockyer!,” Morrison gloated while announcing the appointment.

“You know I love my footy, and I love Darren, even though he never played for the Sharkies,” he smirked.

“But no, in all seriousness, I’m very excited to announce Mr Lockyer as the new Minister for Women because he is a great role model for young Australian men who has a great empathy for women.”

The Queensland State of Origin hero created controversy in 2004 when he joked about an alleged gang rape involving players from the Canterbury Bulldogs team. As guest speaker at a function in Brisbane, Lockyer commented:

“St George, they won 11 premierships with one Raper. Imagine how many Canterbury will win.”

Morrison said good fortune led him the the new appointment.

“Gina ordered me to attend a conference for the resources sector in Australia, and after Rupert agreed, I cancelled all my other appointments and attended. Luckily, Darren was there in his role as ambassador for the coal seam gas and wider fossil fuel industry, so I chatted to him during the lunch break and invited him to Canberra.”

The smirk returned when Morrison explained:

“I did have to remind him though that I’m now the captain of Team Australia.”

The former Bronco will begin his new role immediately, and he is looking forward to the challenge.

“I love women,” he stated.

“I love making jokes about their suffering too, so when Scotty asked me to be his Minister for Women, I said yes straight away.”

Lockyer will work alongside a special group formed in response to recent allegations of sexual assault and bullying of women in parliament house. The group contains politicians such as Christian Porter, Barnaby Joyce, Peter Dutton, Alan Tudge and George Christensen, and will report directly to Morrison – except when the prime minister needs to claim plausible deniability.

Image: http://www.abc.net.au

Scott Morrison recruits Craig Wells.


Prime Minister Scott Morrison has appointed former rugby union player Craig Wells as the federal Minister for Women due to Wells’ dedication to the rights of women. The appointment ensures that the Liberal National Party will always contain one male member who is under investigation for sexual assault.

Morrison persuaded the former Wallaby to join the coalition while he and Attorney General Christian Porter were visiting a prison to announce major new law and order policies. Wells is currently serving time in the same prison after being found guilty of raping a 14-year-old girl in 2015.

“How good is Craig Wells,” Morrison gloated while announcing the appointment.

“You know I love my footy, and I love Craig, even though he never played for the Sharkies,” he smirked.

“But no, in all seriousness, I’m very excited to announce Mr Wells as the new Minister for Women because he is a great role model for young Australian men who has a great empathy for women. He also coached U/16 and U/14 girls footy teams on the NSW South Coast. For that reason, Christian and I met him during his allocated yard time and invited him to Canberra.”

Wells was found guilty of plying the girl with drugs and alcohol and raping her twice on the same night in 2015. His female accomplice is said to have sat on the girl’s chest to stop her from moving while Wells was raping her.

Media outlets reported that Wells told the girl:

“I wish I could get you pregnant and have babies with you but you’re too young.”

He is also reported to have cuddled up to her the morning after the rape and asked:

“Did you have fun?”

Wells was sentenced to six years in prison.

The former Waratah will begin his new role immediately, and he is looking forward to the challenge.

“I love women,” he stated via his parole officer.

“I really love them, especially young ones, so when Scotty asked me to be his Minister for Women, I said yes straight away. Plus, I don’t do much these days since I’m stuck in prison. I’m also proud to be the first Cabinet Minister to carry out my duties from inside prison.”

Wells will work alongside a special group formed in response to recent allegations of sexual assault and bullying of women in parliament house. The group contains politicians such as Christian Porter, Barnaby Joyce, Peter Dutton, Alan Tudge and George Christensen, and will report directly to Morrison – except when the prime minister needs to claim plausible deniability.

Image: Fairfax Media

Scott Morrison recruits Tristan Sailor.


Prime Minister Scott Morrison has appointed rugby league player Tristan Sailor as the federal Minister for Women due to Sailor’s dedication to the rights of women. The appointment ensures that the Liberal National Party will always contain one male member who is under investigation for sexual assault.

Morrison persuaded Sailor to join the coalition over a beer in Bondi.

“How good is Tristan Sailor,” Morrison gloated while announcing the appointment.

“You know I love my footy, and I love Tristan, even though he never played for the Sharkies,” he smirked.

“But no, in all seriousness, I’m very excited to announce Mr Sailor as the new Minister for Women because he is a great role model for young Australian men who has a great empathy for women. For that reason, I met up with him for a beer at the Beach Road Hotel pub in Bondi. When we were in the Uber back to the Shire, I invited him to Canberra.”

Sailor will begin his new role immediately and his first task will be to recount his experiences at the pub in Bondi, 2020.

“Tristan will tell us all about the night which started at the Beach Road Hotel with friends, then continued back in the Shire. He will tell us how he had sex with a friend of his who then texted him the next morning to ask what had happened, because she was unsure. The murky details and the question of whether the woman was in a position to give consent are very similar to incidents which occur here in Canberra, so we’re very keen to have Tristan on board.”

“During the Uber ride, I told him how I also travelled from the Eastern Suburbs to the Shire and deceived people to get what I wanted – and now look at me!”

Sailor was equally excited about the new role.

“I love women,” he stated.

“I really love them, so when Scotty asked me to be his Minister for Women, I said yes straight away. Plus, I don’t do much these days since I can’t play NRL – so at least it’s one way to pass the time.”

Sailor will work alongside a special group formed in response to recent allegations of sexual assault and bullying of women in parliament house. The group contains politicians such as Christian Porter, Barnaby Joyce, Peter Dutton, Alan Tudge and George Christensen, and will report directly to Morrison – except when the prime minister needs to claim plausible deniability.

Image: http://www.canberratimes.com.au

Scott Morrison recruits Jack de Belin.


Prime Minister Scott Morrison has appointed rugby league player Jack de Belin as the federal Minister for Women due to de Belin’s dedication to the rights of women. The appointment ensures that the Liberal National Party will always contain one male member who is under investigation for sexual assault.

Morrison persuaded de Belin to join the coalition while they were both posing for photos at the beach.

“How good is Jack de Belin,” Morrison gloated while announcing the appointment.

“You know I love my footy, and I love Jack, even though he never played for the Sharkies,” he smirked.

“But no, in all seriousness, I’m very excited to announce Mr de Belin as the new Minister for Women because he is a great role model for young Australian men, who has a strong empathy for women. For that reason, I approached him while we were posing at the beach and asked him to join us in Canberra.”

“Even more importantly, Jack has a baby daughter, so every time one of our staff is accused of rape, Jack can think of his daughter, just like I do.”

De Belin will begin his new role immediately and his first task will be to recount his trip to a Wollongong nightclub in 2018.

“We’re look forward to hearing Jack explain how he left his heavily pregnant partner at home with his unborn child on the night of question, then took a 19-year-old girl back to an apartment with his male friend, even after that young women reminded him that he had a girlfriend.”

“We’re also seeking advice from Jack’s legal team on how to make a rape trial drag on for so long without reaching a verdict – so long that people start to forget that it ever happened.”

The St George-Illawarra and NSW Origin player was equally excited about the new role.

“I love women,” he stated.

“I really love them – especially young women, I love them all, so when Scotty asked me to be his Minister for Women, I said yes straight away. Plus, all I do is train these days since I can’t actually play NRL – so at least it’s one way to pass the time.”

De Belin will work alongside a special group formed in response to recent allegations of sexual assault and bullying of women in parliament house. The group contains politicians such as Christian Porter, Barnaby Joyce, Peter Dutton, Alan Tudge and George Christensen, and will report directly to Morrison – except when the prime minister needs to claim plausible deniability.

Image: http://www.gettyimages.com.au

Scott Morrison recruits Jarryd Hayne.

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has appointed former rugby league player Jarryd Hayne as the federal Minister for Women due to Hayne’s dedication to gender equality. The appointment ensures that the Liberal National Party will always contain one male member who is under investigation for sexual assault.

Morrison persuaded Hayne to join the coalition during a prayer service at Hillsong Church.

“How good is Jarryd Hayne,” Morrison gloated while announcing the appointment.

“You know I love my footy, and I love Jarryd, even though he never played for the Sharkies,” he smirked.

“But no, in all seriousness, I’m very excited to announce Mr Hayne as the new Minister for Women because he is a great role model for young Australian men, who has a great empathy for women. For that reason, I approached him during intermission at one of Hillsong’s rock concerts and asked him to join us in Canberra.”

“What’s more, Jarryd just got married. First of all, congratulations. Secondly, he is now able to empathise with women because he has a wife. I ask Jenny for advice, and Jarryd can ask Amellia for advice.”

Hayne will begin his new role immediately and his first task will be to recount his experiences in the United States.

“We know Jarryd spent time trialling for the NFL,” explained Morrison. “What you might have forgotten is that he was also accused of sexual assault in the US and the matter was settled out of court. Therefore, he will brief the LNP on how to settle a sexual assault case out of court, and how to make everyone forget the alleged incident ever happened.”

Hayne was equally excited about the new role.

“I love women,” he stated.

“I really love them – Aussie women, American women, I love them all, so when Scotty asked me to be his Minister for Women, I said yes straight away. Plus, I don’t do much these days since I can’t play NRL – so at least it’s one way to pass the time.”

Hayne will work alongside a special group formed in response to recent allegations of sexual assault and bullying of women in parliament house. The group contains politicians such as Christian Porter, Barnaby Joyce, Peter Dutton, Alan Tudge and George Christensen, and will report directly to Morrison – except when the prime minister needs to claim plausible deniability.

Image: http://www.abc.net.au

Scott Morrison forces single Aussie men into mass weddings.

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has ordered every single Australian adult male to marry in mass wedding ceremonies in order to improve attitudes towards women in Australia.

The shock decision follows Morrison’s confession that he gained greater empathy for an alleged rape victim within his own party after speaking with his wife Jenny.

“Only a man with a wife can understand women,” the Prime Minister stated.

“Only a man with daughters can understand women. For that reason, every single Australian man aged 18 and over will be forced to marry a woman and produce at least one daughter.”

The mass weddings will take place at Hillsong mega churches throughout the country and will resemble the famous Holy Marriage Blessing Ceremonies of the Unification Church in South Korea, in which hundreds of couples marry under the direction of the Reverend Moon and his wife.

“Mass weddings will remove Australian men from the lineage of misogynistic patriarchy and into empathetic and open-minded lineage. As a result, the husband, and even any sons produced by that marriage, will exist free from the consequences of misogyny,” Morrison explained.

“This is what happened to me. I had no idea how to react to news that a young female staff member within my party had allegedly been raped, which is why I did nothing about it for such a long time. Then I spoke to Jenny and she reminded me that I had daughters, and that I should think about them when I discussed the incident with my staff.”

“Before Jenny spoke to me, I thought daughters were just for photo opportunities.”

The first mass ceremony will be held at Morrison’s own church, Horizon Church in the Sutherland Shire of Sydney, and will involve straight men, gay men and trans men. The Christian ceremony will also be compulsory for men of other faiths and those who identify as atheist or agnostic. Only men serving prison sentences will be exempt from the mass weddings. Like Reverend Moon, Morrison will personally match all of the couples.

Morrison was asked if single women have a choice in whether to marry.

“No”

After the mass weddings, couples will be forced to try for children, and to use any conceivable method to produce daughters. Staff from the Prime Minster’s Office will conduct random and regular checks on all couples.

“The second son of any family which does not have daughters will be forced to undergo gender conversion therapy,” stated Morrison.

Morrison was optimistic that the program would create a nation of men with more empathy for women.

“It’s funny you know, I paid an empathy coach $190,000 but I still didn’t develop any empathy for women in this country.”

Image: Drew Coffman

Companies reject offer to partner with Australia’s Liberal National Party.

Numerous companies have rejected offers to link with Australia’s federal coalition after discovering that the party intended to use their brands to promote a message of whiteness.

Companies selling products as diverse as toothpaste, electronics, food, cosmetics and laundry powder received offers of brand partnerships from the Liberal National Party (LNP) and other parties, but quickly and adamantly rejected them on ethical grounds.

Companies such as Buttercup, Civant, Skin Doctor, Colgate, Oral B, Harvey Norman and Persil were approached, but quickly and emphatically declined the offer.

Whiter skin

The LNP approached a number of companies in the cosmetics industry whose products promise to whiten a user’s skin.

“Many of our members received an offer to team up with the federal coalition,” read a statement from the cosmetics industry.

“The LNP wanted to align themselves with products such as Meladerm, White Lucent cream and Skin Doctor Whitening Cream, all of which promise optimal whitening of a user’s skin. The coalition were desparate to associate themselves with products which could make the Australian population whiter.”

“Our industry emphatically declined the offer and asked the coalition to never contact us in the future.”

White Thick, Mighty Soft

Buttercup claims the company was approached by the Prime Minister himself. Scott Morrison was reportedly excited to create a marketing campaign around the bread called White Thick.

“Mr Morrison sought a brand affiliation with the White Thick loaf,” explained Buttercup.

“He said it created positive associations with whiteness, and that the word Thick describes their intellectual approach to government, as well as the physical stature of Craig Kelly and George Christensen, and close ally Clive Palmer.”

The PM apparently also liked the phrase Mighty Soft because it reflects the LNP’s acquiescence to Rupert Murdoch and the fossil fuel industry, and their fear of the extreme right wing voters they work so hard to appease.

White Goods

Morrison also made overtures to companies such as Harvey Norman, Bing Lee and The Good Guys, because they sell white goods.

While Gerry Harvey is said to have shown some interest, the directors of Bing Lee and The Good Guys swiftly declined the offer.

“We were amazed the PM would make such an offer to a company named after a Chinese-Australian family, but then Mr Morrison told us he always thought Bing Lee was named after a former Aussie fast bowler. When he recovered from his shock, he told us the party was very interested in companies who were able to merge the words ‘White’ and ‘Good’ – he thought that was quite clever.”

Another white goods retailer told the LNP,

“No. You’re not the good guys!”

Laundry company Persil also attracted the attention of the current ruling party.

“The LNP were very keen to adopt our famous slogan “Whiter than White” because they said it embodies their core ideology and their vision for Australia. We rejected their offer because we simply produce laundry detergent and that has nothing to do with race or politics.”

Separate whites and colours

Many more laundry brands have since come forward with reports of overtures from the LNP, as well as other fringe parties and candidates such as Pauline Hanson’s One Nation party.

“Essentially they were excited by the habit of separating whites from colours, and they said this is a practice they would like to see adopted in Australian society in general. They claimed that mixing whites and colours forces colours to leak and stain the whites, therefore ruining the white ones forever.”

“We reminded the party representatives that separating whites and colours in broader society is the definition of apartheid – and they reacted with horror at the use of that word, claiming that the Australian government has never used that word to describe its policies. They didn’t deny the existence of apartheid in Australia, just the word itself.”

“Semantics aside, our industry made it very clear to Mr Morrison and his colleagues that this is a marketing strategy we would never endorse.”

Whiter smiles

Whiter smiles are something the LNP would also like to see, not just within its own membership, but in Australian society in general, according to the oral care industry.

Companies such as Oral B and Colgate Palmolive were contacted on the basis that their products keep things white, and that whiteness represents the epitome of teeth. The oral care industry was also swift in rejecting the branding offer and sternly rejected any associations with the undertones of white supremacy within the current Australian government.

“We did, however, remind Mr Morrison of the importance of flossing and brushing daily, especially if he wants to maintain his famous smirk.”

Image: http://www.gettyimages.com.au

Australia’s biggest fear.

Australia is afraid. It is home to the world’s deadliest snakes, to poisonous marine stingers and deadly crocodiles. It suffers through annual floods, fires and cyclones, and dangerous spiders lurk in its undergrowth. But something else terrifies Australia: History.

Australians are afraid of their own history. A deep fear of acknowledging its past paralyses Australia and prevents the majority of its citizens from making public statements about the colonisation of the land and the suffering of Aboriginal people.

Politicians are afraid to acknowldge the truth of Australian history.

The current Prime Minister, Scott Morrison, is afraid. In 2020, he publicly declared that there was no slavery in Australia. He later qualified the statement with obfuscation in order to extricate himself from a PR disaster, but he never acknowledged that slavery did exist in Australia.

On a separate occasion, the PM dismissed the suffering of indigenous Australians when he said,

“You know, when those 12 ships turned up in Sydney, it wasn’t a particularly flash day for the people on those vessels either.”

He was referring to the First Fleet, which carried colonisers from Great Britain and began the dispossession of Aboriginal land in 1788. There were only 11 ships.

Scott Morrison is not stupid. He attended an academically-selective high school and he holds university qualifications. He is also a master of marketing (many Australians argue that’s all he is). Morrison knows the consequences of telling the truth. He knows he has to appease the ignorant, racist, lowly-educated constituency which keeps him and his party in power.

Slavery occured in Australia. It was called ‘Blackbirding’ in some places, and called ‘education’ in others – it was never called slavery.

Blackbirding lured indigenous Australians and people from islands north of Australia to the mainland with the promise of work and high wages. Upon arrival at the farm, the workers were not paid for their work, were treated horrendously, forced to work in stifling tropical heat and horrible conditions, and were prevented from leaving or returning to their homelands.

When indigenous children were stolen from their families, they were ‘educated’ in the ways of the white man then sent to work for white families. Girls were normally set to work as domestic servants, while boys were forced to be farmhands. They were not paid. This is slavery.

Wave Hill walk-off

Another example of exploitation led to the Wave Hill walk-off. Some Australians learned about it in their history classes, some learned about it through the Paul Kelly song: From Little Things Big Things Grow.

The original inhabitants of Wave Hill, the Gurindji people, sustained the vast cattle station. In return, children under 12 were forced to work, accommodation and rations were inadequate, Aboriginal women were sexually abused and forced into prostitution for rations and clothing. There was no safe drinking water, nor sanitation or rubbish removal. In August, 1966, the Gurindji walked off under the leadership of Vincent Lingiari.

Furthermore, many indigenous Australians are still trying to recoup unpaid wages to this day.

The Prime Minister is not the only politician with a selective memory. The current opposition leader, Anthony Albanese, recently omitted a crucial paragraph from a speech about indigenous Australian soldiers. Albanese recognised the indigenous Australians who have fought in many wars for Australia, but it was later discovered he had omitted the following paragraph:

“A continent for which their ancestors had fought so desperately during the frontier wars-wars we have not yet learned to speak of so loudly.”

Albanese was happy to mention overseas wars, but left out the paragraph about the war on Australian soil between British colonisers and indigenous people. He left out the paragraph which concedes that Australians do not talk about colonisation – do not talk about the truth of our history.

Why have we not yet learned to speak of it so loudly?

Albanese’s office later claimed the omission was unintentional. Maybe it was, or maybe Albanese and the Labor party also feel desperate to appease the racist majority-especially since a federal election is expected this year. Thus, the current leaders of both of Australia’s major parties have failed to publicly acknowledge the truth of Australians history.

The national broadcaster is also afraid. The Australian Broadcasting Commission (ABC) initially referred to January 26 as Invasion Day and not Australia Day in 2021. The label Invasion Day recognises the colonisation of the land, as opposed to the peaceful settlement myth perpetuated in some history books. The ABC soon removed Invasion Day from all official publications and replaced the term with Australia Day.

History is political

Politicians determine the curriculum taught to Australian school students. Until recently, Aussie school kids learned that Aboriginal people were ‘primitive’ and ‘savages’. That they were simply ‘nomads’ who wandered the continent living hand-to-mouth, devoid of science, culture or technology. Students were also taught that Australia was ‘settled’ and not ‘invaded’, that the British were ‘settlers’ and not ‘colonisers’.

Textbooks soften the truth. Many Australians learned that indigenous people died in large numbers due to the introduction of disease for which they had no immune system, and not as a result of murder. Many politicians fought, and continue to fight, to keep this version of history in the school curriculum, and while the teaching material has changed, it is not always becoming more truthful.

Apartheid

Apartheid existed in Australia. Most Australians don’t know, or don’t want to admit, that this is true. The incident at Moree pool proves the existence of apartheid. Aboriginal people were officially excluded from the public swimming pool in the rural NSW town of Moree. Summer gets very hot in Moree. A group of Aboriginal activists visited the town in 1965 and attempted to enter the pool with local indigenous children. Three hours of debate and tension followed, during which fights broke out and non-Aboriginal locals threw eggs at protestors.

Moree Council eventually rescinded the by-law and Aboriginal people were allowed to swim at the pool. Aussies are happy to criticise South Africa for its apartheid, but are largely reluctant to admit its existence in Australia. Or, as one white South African once told me,

“South Africa is not the only country with apartheid, the mistake they made was giving it a name.”

Why is Australia so afraid of its history?

Why are so many Australians afraid to tell the truth about their past?

Racism.

Australia is a racist country, and the worst of this racism is directed at indigenous people. Racism justified the invasion of Australia by the British. The notion of Terra Nullius, or uninhabited land, justified the dispossession of the land from the original inhabitants. If no one lives here, they believed, then it can’t be stolen – it belonged to no one. Terra Nullius is supported by notions of cultural and racial superiority. The colonisers saw people on the land. They interacted with them. However, they claimed the land was uninhabited because it was devoid of structure and buildings which in European minds constituted habitation.

Racism is not going away. News outlets carried images of a large group of Caucasian Australian men celebrating their membership of a neo-Nazi group on Australia Day weekend this year. Many citizens and even elected politicians have publicly declared their support for Trump and his rhetoric. Fringe political parties with a platform of racism and bigotry, such as Pauline Hanson’s One Nation, are winning more votes in elections – which is why mainstream parties are so keen to appease the racists.

Lies

Australians are also fed lies about the consequences of telling the truth. Australians have been convinced that officially acknowledging the truth will cost them their homes, as indigenous people will make endless land rights claims and take back possession of suburbs throughout the nation.

Image:www.worldatlas.com

Scott Morrison gives one family a $30m Christmas present.

The Prime Minister of Australia, Scott Morrison, has surprised a family of four with a Christmas present of $30m. Morrison offered the gift to the Murugappan family as well as granting them asylum in Australia after holding them in immigration detention for more than 1000 days. The Christmas blessing will see Priya, Nades, Kopika and Tharunicaa return to Biloela immediately with Australian residency.

Morrison claims he made the decision to exercise his executive powers after communicating with God during a religious experience at the Horizon Church in the Sutherland Shire.

“It was during the second rousing rock song that God spoke to me,” explained Morrison, before recounting the divine conversation.

“G’day Scotty”

“G’day mate”

“Hey, what about freeing that family on Christmas Island?”

“Oooh, I don’t know about that mate, it’s a big call. A lot of Aussie racists won’t be happy, and don’t forget who voted me in at the last election.”

“Yeah, but it’s Christmas, and remember all of those teachings that my son imparted to Christians like you, about morality, compassion, forgiveness and helping the less fortunate…”

“Yeah, what about them?”

“Well, what about you put them into practice?”

“Huh?”

“Apply the teachings in a practical way and free the family, let them go back to Biloela.”

“Ummm, sorry mate, I’m still trying to get my head around what you just said – applying the teachings of the church in a practical way…that’s news to me”

“Yes, but that was the original intention of the teachings”

“Hang on, I love this part of the song…(Morrison sings a few lines). How good…yeah, go on”

“Well, I recommend you free the family and let them go back to Bilo”

“Back to Bilo – I don’t like the policy, but I do love the slogan – great ring to it. Back to Bilo, Back to Bilo…”

“And all that money, you could give to the family, to help them set up a new life.”

“The $30m, but that’s a lot of money, plus I was gonna give that to Foxtel.”

“Well, Rupert will have to wait – let me have a word to him. Anyway, I strongly recommend you apply the underlying principles of your Christian faith and free the family in detention, and do it in time for Christmas”

“Yeah, righto mate – but only for you”

“You’re a great bloke Scotty”

“I know”

Morrison then explained that after deliberation with colleagues such as Peter Dutton, and after discussing it with Jen and the girls, he made the decision to free the family and reward them with a substantial yuletide gift.

“It’s great PR too, isn’t it,” said the man dubbed Scotty from Marketing, “you know, Christmas Island and a Christmas present, I thought of that myself, how good is that!”

Image: Chad Madden