ACT Brumbies make controversial announcement.

The ACT Brumbies Super Rugby team has shocked the rugby world after deciding to change its name to the ACT Feral Horses. The club made the sudden call after realising that the word Brumby romanticises one of the most destructive feral animals in Australia.

“The ACT Super Rugby franchise will now be known as the ACT Feral Horses,” began a statement from the club.

“The word Brumby carries a romanticised ideal of a destructive feral pest which is causing enormous damage to Australia’s environment, especially in the alpine national parks which lie just a short drive from the ACT. For that reason, the club has decided to apply a name which more accurately depicts our mascot.”

Conservationists and scientists throughout Australia have long been calling for the eradication of feral horses from alpine regions, especially the NSW section of Kosciuszko National Park. However, strong lobbying from a small group of conservative politicians, farmers and people running horse-related businesses in the park has succeeded in preventing the eradication.

“When the ACT Super Rugby franchise was established in 1996, we were unaware of the harm Brumbies were causing to the natural environment. We only knew of the Brumby as a tough, rugged, free-spirited, resilient animal, whose attributes reflected the attributes we want in our own players.

However, we now know they are causing the destruction of areas which many of our players, officials and supporters love to visit. The snowy mountains are just a short drive from the ACT and many within the ACT rugby family want to see these areas protected.”

The name change also means that a percentage of ticket sales, membership and merchandise sales will be donated to organisations working to eradicate the feral horses.

Fans erupted on social media at the news.

Some slammed the club for pandering to the wishes of bleeding heart greenies and saw the move as excessive political correctness. Many denied the claims of environmentalists about the extent of the damage feral horses are causing the alpine regions, and said they ‘reject the science’.

One feared the club would simply become known as the ‘Ferals’, to which another supporter replied:

“Well, have you seen what goes on at rugby clubs?”

A number of members threatened to cancel their membership, and one went as far as saying he would now support the Waratahs.

In contrast, various members and supporters endorsed the change, arguing that naming a mascot after a destructive pest helps to create an unrealistic image of the horses, which are the only feral species in Australia which is protected by law. Other supporters said the team could always choose another animal as its mascot, and that protecting the national park was more important than giving a football team a nice name.

The club also explained that it would consider changing its name back to the ACT Brumbies once every single feral horse is removed from the park.

“This would allow us to acknowledge one small piece of Australian history, and to honour the remaining animals which are able to be rehomed on private properties where they can live out their lives in peace.”

Image: Sitthixay Ditthavong

Discovery of Banjo Paterson’s lost poems leads to major policy shift.

The discovery of Banjo Paterson’s lost poems has prompted an overhaul of New South Wales government policy on invasive species and land management.

Archivists recently stumbled upon a host of previously unknown texts from the beloved Australian poet, who grew up in regional NSW, but wrote many of his works about life on the land while living in Woollahra, Sydney.

Paterson’s famous poem, The Man from Snowy River, is often cited when justifying the protection of feral horses in Australia’s alpine national parks and to argue against conservationists who are demanding a cull due to the destruction of the high country ecosystem.

The NSW government has afforded the feral horses more protection than the Victorian government on the other side of the ranges, and horse numbers have exploded in recent years, as has their trail of destruction. Countless ministers have drawn support from feral horse lovers who argue the horses are an integral part of Australian heritage, as expressed in The Man from Snowy River.

For this reason, the discovery of Paterson’s other poem’s will see more feral animals afforded the same protection.

Run Randy Rabbit!

A heartwarming poem about a cute little bunny who outruns farmers after destroying all of their crops. Rabbits will now be protected throughout NSW. It is illegal to kill any feral rabbit, anywhere in the state. Efforts will be made to humanely rehome every feral rabbit.

How Nice Are Mice!

An alternative representation of the much-maligned pest. As a result, mice are a protected species throughout NSW, and every mouse which comprises the current mouse plague throughout NSW will be humanely rehomed.

Another famous Paterson poem is Waltzing Matilda. This has been subject to a revisionist reading, and as a result, the government has declared it illegal to kill sheep or lambs, and to consume this meat anywhere in New South Wales. Discussions continue regarding the legality of sheering sheep for wool.

Paterson wrote a sister poem to his famous tale about sheep theft, and it is called Moulting Ma’ Killer, about a loveable cat which kills countless native Aussie animals every day, before returning to the loving embrace of its owner beside the hearth. Law makers have now axed programs to eradicate feral cats and control stray and pet cats. Every feral and stray cat will be free to roam night and day.

The treasure trove of hidden poems also included works from many more Australian poets writing about other feral animals. While researchers continue the painstaking task of matching the delicate and faded documents with their respective authors, their discovery has already reversed invasive species laws throughout the nation.

One poem is called That Bloke from Humpty Doo. It glorifies the humble cane toad, and it is therefore illegal to kill cane toads anywhere in Australia. Official policy is to humanely rehome every cane toad in Australia.

The Poor Man’s Bass depicts a typical Aussie battler trying desperately to feed his young family with carp after failing to land a bass in Australia’s regional rivers. The heartbreaking poem won protection for carp throughout Australia.

Other poems romanticise animals such as the fox, donkey, camel, wild pig, wild dog, buffalo, deer and goat, and all of these animals are now protected as part of the massive policy overhaul. Severe punishment awaits anyone who is caught attempting to harm feral horses or mice, rabbits, cane toads, cats, foxes, carp, cane toads, donkeys, camels, wild pigs, wild dogs, buffalo, deer or goats

Images: Jae Park, Daniel Fazio, Big Game Australia, Melbourne Press Club.

Parliament or Prison? The new Aussie family boardgame.

Gather the whole family for the most exciting boardgame to hit your loungeroom, and celebrate the impending federal election with Parliament or Prison?

Pick a card and read the real life scenarios of atrocious behaviour in Australian society, before deciding whether the offender is in parliament or in prison.

You might be horrified by the answer – but that’s what makes this game so captivating!

Play it in teams or as an individual, and find out which of your friends or relatives can guess the most correct answers and be declared the winner. Every time you answer a question correctly, you move up one seat from the back bench, and the winner is the first player to be elected ‘Prime Minister’.

Get yourself in gear for the next federal election by guessing the fate of the people involved in the following scenarios:

Where is the man who was accused of raping a young woman during a debating competition? Is he in prison?

What about the person/people who covered up the alleged rape of a younger staffer in parliament house, Canberra? Are they behind bars or running the country?

What happened to the person caught smoking marijuana?

What happened to the people who cut $14 million from the national audit office, after that office discovered substantial improprieties and wasteful spending (such as the sports rorts). Are they in prison or in parliament?

What is the fate of the person legally seeking asylum in Australia?

Where is the person responsible for paying 10 times too much for land for the new Sydney airport? 

Who voted against a binding code of conduct designed to ensure politicians act with integrity, and prevented parliament from debating whether to set up a National Integrity Commission? Where are they now?

Where is the young man caught drunk in public, driving without a licence and shoplifting?

What about those who gave $345,000 to News Corp to build a spelling bee website, handing the excessive amount of cash to a company whose industry is neither website building nor education. Are they in prison or in power?

Who loosened political donation laws, and who ignored a ruling of the Administrative Appeals Tribunal? Are they running an undercover racket in prison, or looking forward to a fat parliamentary pension?

What happened to the man who forced a young female bushfire victim to shake his hand?

Where is the Labor politician who admitted to taking huge bribes from shady Chinese businessmen?

What about the independent politicians caught trying to sell Australia to the US gun lobby?

Who let Aged Care descend into a cruel, heartless, dangerous shambles? Is he is parliament, in prison, or at the cricket?

Parliament or Prison? is like Game of Knowledge or Trivial Pursuit, but with much greater real life consequences.

This fun, informative and educational game will enthrall, entertain and shock every Australian. Marvel at the grossly corrupt and unethical behaviour of our nation’s leaders, and contemplate why they are not in prison. Conversely, find out what kind of crimes land people in prison, and ponder why they are not in parliament.

Play the games with your kids to help them understand why their planet is burning.

Invite some millenials over for a game and show them why they’ll never be able to buy a house, no matter how much smashed avo they forego.

Play with your favourite Baby Boomers and scare them out of even considering an Aged Care facility.

Parliament or Prison?

Buy it in toy stores or online for $24.95, or get a personally-signed copy from your favourite politician for only $150,000.

Image: Markus Winkler

Exclusive: Secret judging scandal rocks Beijing 2022.

Exclusive: The world’s best freestyle skiers and snowboarders are in shock after learning that judges have been using a hidden category to decide the medallists at the Olympic Winter Games in Beijing.

Anonymous sources have revealed that judges have been been rating competitors according to how many social media followers they each have, in addition to Progression, Amplitude, Variety, Execution and Difficulty, in events such as Ski and Snowboard Big Air, Slopestyle and Halfpipe.

“Judges have been scoring competitors according to their popularity on social media,” revealed a spokesperson for judges, on condition of strict anonymity.

“After tallying their scores for the five standard categories, judges then add the number of followers each athlete has on the major social media platforms, in order to create the final score, which then determines the medal winners.”

The judge explained that the secret category was added in Beijing for many reasons, the most salient being that freestyle skiing and snowboarding are sustained by social media.

“Freestyle events like Big Air, Slopestyle and Halfpipe are all devoted to image – just like social media itself. Thus, adding social media presence to the judging criteria was a natural progression.”

Judges reportedly search for athlete profiles on Instagram, Youtube, Snapchat and, to a lesser extent Facebook, before the competition. As the event is being held in China, greater emphasis is being placed on an athlete’s presence on Tik Tok, and Chinese social media site Weibo.

“Do you think Eileen Gu won gold based on her jumps alone?” suggested the judge in hushed tones.

Gu has about 2 million followers on Weibo, and 147,000 plus on Tik Tok, which is Chinese owned and known as Douyin.

Judges also confessed that they welcomed the addition of the new category, which has stunned those within the sports.

“It gives us a way to distinguish between each run,” they admitted.

“Let’s face it, every athlete is basically doing the same trick, one after the other, so this way we can more objectively score the athletes. Assessing a snowboarder’s Cork 720 Mute against another’s is actually quite complicated.”

Judges initially attempted to sneak in a new category in the women’s events. Points were to be deducted if the athlete didn’t have two strands of hair cascading down her face from under her helmet.

“This might be, maybe, possibly, potentially… why Tess Coady only won bronze in Slopestyle. Maybe,” suggested a judge.

“But virtually every woman was doing it, so it didn’t help us to differentiate. Thus, the natural solution was to use social media popularity, which is more objective – you either have 700,000 Instagram followers or you don’t.”

Athletes and team officials are horrified at the subterfuge of event organisers, and have taken to social media to express their anger and demand answers from the International Olympic Committee (IOC), Federation internationale de ski (FIS) and Beijing 2022 organisers.

The governing bodies were reluctant to comment, but did say that if they had told athletes and officials of the new category prior to the games, athletes would have simply ‘bought’ more followers for their respective accounts.

Judges decided to take the risk of revealing this highly-classified information in order to assist young people aiming for gold at future wintersports competitions.

“Kids, get out the camera,” they declared.

“Get out the GoPro and the selfie stick, and film everything.”

“Film yourself at the halfpipe, on the jumps, at the park. Film yourself on the way to and from the park, film up and down the chairlift and to and from the slopes. Post about your favourite outfits, music, food, shoes, TV series – everything, even film your dog. Then like, poke, share, retweet, comment and subscribe like crazy”

“Because if you don’t, you’ll never win freestyle gold.”

Vive L’Australie!

Patriotic fervour courses through the veins of the joyful populace of L’Australie on this annual day of celebration.

The tricolore informs the aesthetic from La Perouse to Vaucluse as loyal subjects commemorate the arrival of Jean-Francois de Galaup, comte de Laperouse at Kamay, just days before Englishman Arthur Phillip on January 24, 1788.

The famed national colours adorn everything from the fleet of modern submarines in the bay to the delicious macarons baked so eagerly in honour of the visiting president, whose cavalcade rolls proudly along Route Anglais towards Crique Anglais.

A president who defers to his high school Art teacher, and not his high school sweetheart, on matters of liberte, egalite, fraternite, and rules without interference from an irrelevant monarch in distant lands. A leader as flawed as any Australien, but more than the mere puppet of a media mogul dismantling democracy throughout the world.

Joie de vivre permeates every beating heart after victory over the old enemy in the most recent football World Cup, which was celebrated with endless renditions of a truly rousing national anthem, and not with a dour hymn girt by confusion, nor with a smelly, sweaty shoe full of the nation’s harmful addiction. Instead, proud fans raised glasses full of local wine, blissfully unaware that one of our great export industries could have been significantly bruised if the prime ministerial puppet (born and bred in the East) had attacked our biggest trading partner to score a few cheap political points. Sacre bleu!

Alas, not every citizen shares the collective gaiety on this momentous day. Informed citizens raised on daily political discourse campaign passionately to change the date from January 24, and temper festivities with reminders of the genocide initiated at Kamay and perpetuated throughout a land that was never ceded.

They offer a firm critique of rising exclusive nationalism and dwindling media diversity, as well as the existential crisis facing native animals, and the wide brown land, incomprehensible even to the likes of Descartes or De Beauvoir. They take consolation in the fact that the French at least turned the cane toad infestation into haute cuisine.

Meanwhile, local surfers decry the British pronunciation of ‘Bronnie’ as they order tourists to chase barrels in the Coogee shore dump, and the nation’s terrible English literacy is attributed to language one interference.

On this warm, blue-sky day, children lob tennis balls at friends who present a flat bat and stand front-on with sandy feet pegged together. Nearby, the elegant elite sip cocktails at Bondi’s exclusive private beach club, and savour the heavenly combination of unrivalled culinary expertise and rich natural ingredients which could never have culminated in good ol’ meat and 3 veg.

Vive L’Australie!

Image: Eleni Stefanovski

First published in The Beast magazine, February 2022.

Controversy surrounds Moana Pasifika.

The Moana Pasifika Super Rugby team has decided to boycott its first ever game just hours before kick off in order to protest inaction on climate change. The players from Pacific Island nations are demanding that countries like Australia do more to reverse climate change which threatens Samoa, Tonga, Fiji and the Cook Islands.

“Sea levels are rising and already threatening the homelands of the players which make up this team,” began a statement from the new franchise.

“This is caused by climate change, and climate change is being driven by wealthy countries such as Australia, where we will play many of our games and where some of the players have played and lived for years. We made this difficult decision after much discussion and in order to draw attention to this urgent issue.”

The statement went on to explain how Australia has the highest per capita carbon footprint of any nation on earth and is contributing greatly to the climate crisis. The country, which is home to four Super Rugby franchises, continues to burn and export coal, and is planning to expand the fossil fuel industry.

Furthermore, various members of the new Moana Pasifika team have played for the Wallabies.

“Our players are already seeing the lands of their ancestors adversely affected by rising sea levels. Salt water from the ocean is mixing with fresh water and ruining the crops on which people have relied for generations. If fossil fuels continue to be dug up and burned, entire low-lying islands could be underwater and residents would lose their homes.”

“For this reason, we have put family and country head of the sport we love and decided to boycott our first ever game. We hope the boycott will convince rugby fans and rugby loving politicians to move Australia away from fossil fuels and other destructive practices, and towards a future with renewable energy.”

Players from other Super Rugby teams expressed their support for the stand via social media, as many of them have Pasifika heritage.

In response, Prime Minister of Australia Scott Morrison tweeted a photo of himself in his Cronulla Sharks rugby league jersey.

Image: http://www.moanapasifika.co.nz

Australia kicked out of Olympic Winter Games.

The Australian Olympic Winter Games team is in disarray after the the International Olympic Committee (IOC) forced it out of Beijing 2022 on the eve of competition.

Athletes, coaches and team officials were thrown out of the athletes village and onto planes bound for Australia just hours before the official opening ceremony, due to the appointment of Hancock Prospecting as a major sponsor of the Australian Olympic Committee (AOC)

“Gina Rinehart and the mining activities of Hancock Prospecting threaten the very existence of the Olympic Winter Games,” began a brief statement from the IOC.

“Rinehart’s enormous fossil fuel mining and cattle farming businesses are major drivers of climate change. The subsequent accelerated warming is melting ice caps and creating less snow throughout the world.”

“Without snow, there is no Olympic Winter Games.”

The decision to announce Hancock Prospecting as the major sponsor of Australian Olympic teams until 2026 does not sit well with the IOC, and for this reason the Australian team was ordered out of the village, and out of the games. The governing body also disagrees with the decision to award Rinehart an Order of Australia (AO) in the recent Australia Day honours.

“The sponsorship arrangement also covers the Pacific Games in 2023, though there may not be many Pacific Island nations left in 2023 if Hancock Prospecting continues its climate destroying practices,” continued the statement.

The shock announcement denies any Australian athlete the opportunity to compete at the games, including those with realistic medal chances. The AOC was given no opportunity to appeal the decision.

International media has already highlighted the fact that the majority of the snow at Beijing 2022 is man-made.

“If the climate crisis continues, even man-made snow will not suffice for winter sports,” continued the IOC spokesperson. “Man-made snow is only effective if the ground is cold enough. If not, the snow simply melts, and conditions resemble late season skiing in Australia.”

The decision means that the Australian Olympic Committee is also banned from sending athletes to future competitions such as the summer and winter versions of the Olympic Games and Youth Olympic Games.

Australian Olympic Committee chief John Coates refused to comment of the sudden decision, explaining that he was waiting for Gina to tell him what to say. Meanwhile, Minster for Sport Richard Colbeck said the decision was of no major concern, because Australia wins so few medals at such events compared to other countries, such as China and The USA, that Australia shouldn’t bother competing in the games at all. Plus, he prefers cricket.

Rinehart, meanwhile, was unfazed at the announcement and its motivation.

“Personally, I couldn’t care less if some young Aussie kid wins a medal for twirling themselves up in the air on a snowboard. I only threw some of my pocket money at this to keep sports-mad Aussies under my spell, and to stop them from forcing the government to take real action on climate change.

“It’s amazing what you can do to the Aussie people if you pretend to like sport.”

Image: Patrick Hamilton

Cronulla Sharks to make massive call in 2022.

The Cronulla Sutherland Sharks rugby league club is searching for a new no. 1 ticket holder in anticipation of Scott Morrison losing the next federal election.

The prime minister became the club’s number 1 ticket holder in 2016 in order to win favour with the voters of The Shire, but will have no more need for the club if he loses the seat of Cook at the upcoming election.

“Scotty’s on his way out,” confirmed a club spokesperson, “so we need to find someone else to be our no.1 ticket holder. No one wants him anymore, and we’re pretty sure he won’t want us after the election, even if he makes it to the next election.”

Morrison became a familiar sight at Sharks home games in recent years, drinking a beer and smiling in his team kit. The photo opportunities helped to convince the people of The Shire that he was one of them, when in fact he grew up in Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs and only moved south to earn pre-selection for the safe Liberal seat.

“People like to call him The Liar From The Shire, but the biggest lie is that he’s not even from The Shire.”

“Sure, lots of us were fooled by the PR spin at first,” continued the spokesperson, “but it’s hard not to be when the whole NewsCorp network is promoting him. But now we see through him. We all see the lies, the incompetence, arrogance, insincerity, bullying, corruption, double standards and mismanagement of him and his party.”

What’s more, an increasing number of residents in Sydney’s south are learning that Morrison used a dirty smear campaign against another candidate, run through the Murdoch press, to win pre-selection for the seat in the first place.

Club bosses expect Morrison to lose the seat of Cook later this year and to turn his back on the club as soon as it no longer serves his needs.

“Scotty might go back to the Eastern Suburbs or impose himself on another electorate, and another footy team, who knows. All we know is that we don’t expect him to be loyal to our club, I mean, look what he did to Malcolm.”

Sharks directors and members have made a tentative start to the search for a new no.1 fan, and have researched the no.1 ticket holders of other clubs in Australia’s major football codes.

“Penrith Panthers had Mark Geyer at one point, and Perth Glory had Dawn Fraser. West Coast Eagles had Sam Kerr, Richmond were with Ash Barty. St Kilda even got Eric Bana, but we got stuck with Scotty.”

Members expressed a degree of shame and regret at appointing Morrison to the position in 2016, but saw the advantage of him turning his back on the club.

“At least we won’t have to put up with that smirk every time we attend or watch a home game.”

Sharks members will be contacted soon to nominate a new no.1 ticket holder with a more legitimate claim for the position.

Image: http://www.sharks.com.au

COOGEE GOES BIG!

The renovation of the COOGEE BAY HOTEL will see the entire suburb of COOGEE engorged and expanded in order to complement yet another Sydney developer’s great compensatory phallus.

As the COOGEE BAY HOTEL swells upwards and outwards, so will all of the buildings within a five-kilometre radius, creating a renovation boom that will attract more tradies than an anti-lockdown protest. The vainglory erection will usher in a host of other improvements sure to enhance the life of every resident and visitor in the coming years:

A giant shadow will stretch from the beach all the way to Wedding Cake Island as the sun heads west.

The red and yellow flags will be bigger than the national flag in Mexico City’s Zocalo, and will fly on poles which double as wind turbines.

The tranquil waters of COOGEE bay will become a terminal for cruise ships full of humongous Trump supporters carrying bleach and COVID-19. Subsequently, registered voters across the Eastern Suburbs will soon find themselves choosing between Clive Palmer, Craig Kelly or George Christensen.

The beach will become the exclusive backdrop of big, buffed, bronzed bodies. Don’t even think about stepping on to the sand unless you can bench 200kg, or boast 1 million Instagram followers.

Away from the golden sands, the colossal calamities continue.

Fish and Chip shops must replace hake and whiting with whale shark and beer-battered manta ray, with a side of wedges big enough to be towed behind a boat at Club Med. And if you swing by Maccas on the way to the beach, you’ll definitely be supersized.

COOGEE residents will be forced to phase out their small city cars for Monster Trucks, Chevrolet Suburbans and Dodge Rams, and can house them in the world’s biggest underground carpark.

Every resident will be obliged to own at least one St Bernard, English Mastiff and Great Dane, and to tell every passing jogger, “…They won’t hurt you, they’re just playing…”

Family homes will make way for apartment towers rivalling the residential structures of Hong Kong and Singapore, and the Burj Khalifa will lose its status as the world’s tallest building. The COOGEE Palace will be renamed Nurul Istana Iman II in honour of the Sultan of Brunei.

COOGEE Oval will be developed in the style of Rio’s Maracana, and will make the upgrade of the SFS look like a year 7 Design and Technology assignment. Galloping Greens fans will be cheering for a team whose scrumhalf dwarfs Will Skelton, and sporty juniors will represent the COOGEE Krakens Rugby League and Netball teams, or play football for COOGEE Inflated.

COOGEE will retain the title until a neighbouring developer feels compelled to overcompensate, and the only thing that won’t get any bigger is the surf.

First published in The Beast magazine, January 2022

Thousands of NSW residents to receive surprise Christmas gifts.

Unvaccinated residents of New South Wales will give Christmas presents to vaccinated locals this year to thank them for granting the anti-vaxxers new freedoms.

Citizens who chose not to get vaccinated against COVID-19 are giving gifts to thank the vaccinated who created the freedoms which unvaccinated people are now enjoying. As of December 15, unvaccinated residents in NSW are allowed to access previously restricted premises such as pubs, cafes and restaurants, as well as entertainment venues, places of worship and other shared indoor spaces, because 90% of eligible residents are fully vaccinated.

“Thanks to the 90% of residents who got the jab, we can now enjoy the same freedoms as them, even though we didn’t get the jab,” explained a spokesperson for the Society for Unvaccinated Patriotic Aussies (SUPA)

“And we’re so grateful to those people that we decided to give them all Christmas presents this year. Without the vaccinated, we would still be locked out of venues – then we’d really have something to claim about.”

A substantial number of residents in NSW chose not to get vaccinated against the deadly virus, for a host of reasons. Their reluctance slowed down the reopening of society and placed fellow residents at great risk, as unvaccinated people are more likely to spread the disease. Many people lost their jobs and were forced onto welfare, and suffered mental health issues due to extended lockdowns. People with vulnerable immune systems, such as babies and the elderly, as well as essential workers, were at heightened risk of illness as a result of unvaccinated people.

Gifts for the vaccinated will range from the usual socks, T-shirts and gift cards, to more tailored gifts such as membership of One Nation and the United Australia Party, Pete Evans cookbooks, and anything sporting a Byron Bay logo – all purchased by Clive Palmer.

Despite the risk they present to society in general, unvaccinated people were recently granted almost all of the freedoms available to vaccinated people in NSW, even as the new Omicron variant emerges and as case numbers surge across the state. Furthermore, case numbers are likely to increase yet again as Australians cut loose and celebrate the Christmas and summer break.

Sydneysider Jeremy was not so excited at the prospect of a gift from SUPA. He lost his grandfather, and has been prohibited from visiting his grandmother for months on end, due to COVID-19.

“I’d rather have healthy grandparents than a pair of socks this Christmas.”

Image: Jess Bailey