Parliament House prepares for a royal visit.

EXCLUSIVE: Australia’s Parliament House is secretly preparing to host Prince Jefri Bolkiah of Brunei. Leaked documents reveal that the famous sex addict and brother of the Sultan of Brunei will spend a week in the nation’s capital for both business and pleasure.

Prince Pengiran Digadong Sahibul Mal Pengiran Muda Jefri Bolkiah ibni Al-Marhum Sultan Haji Omar Ali Saifuddien Sa’adul Khairi Waddien was once the country’s finance minister. He will travel by private jet and skip quarantine protocols, before heading straight to an official reception at Parliament House. The exclusive reception is open only to male politicians and staffers, as well as hand-picked female junior staffers and some of Canberra’s best escorts.

The younger brother of the Sultan is renowned for his playboy lifestyle. He famously kept a large harem of up to forty women, including Jillian Lauren, an American women who revealed all in her book Some Girls: My Life in a Harem. He has had five wives and eighteen children. He is just as famous for his luxury yacht named Tits, with tenders named Nipple 1 and Nipple 2. Furthermore, leaked pictures revealed statues the Prince had made of him having sex with his fiance Micha Raines.

This lifestyle cost the Prince billions of dollars, which he was accused of stealing from the Bruneian people. After a lengthy legal battle, he apparently repaid the money to the Brunei government…or to his brother.

Secret correspondence between government officials in parliament house reveal that desks are being sanitised and the prayer room is being deep cleaned in readiness for the Prince. Junior female staffers have been issued with a strict dress code and escort agencies have been advised to make available their most popular ladies. Caterers have also been instructed to ensure that all food is halal.

Organisers of the visit have also attempted to match the decor in the prayer room to the Masjid Jefri Bolkiah, or the Jefri Bolkiah Mosque.

News of the visit is sure to surprise Australians, many of whom have never heard of the Prince, and would have expected a member of the British royal family to be visiting. Sources within parliament conceded, however, that Prince Jefri is more attuned to the daily occurrences and general culture of Australia’s federal parliament.

Image: Aditya Joshi

The End of Charity Fund Raising

The kind-hearted and generous folk of Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs are hereby advised that all charitable fundraising activities must cease forthwith. Consequently, residents are no longer permitted to organise, or donate to, charitable efforts such as the Wardy Claus Christmas present drive for sick kids. Also prohibited are the annual Mullet Pro at Tamarama Beach raising awareness of mental health issues, and Boards for Bushfires from the Bronte Boardriders. Sophie Smith can no longer Run for Premature Babies, and any other activities designed to harness goodwill for the betterment of the world are outlawed.

The aforementioned charitable undertakings may only resume when:

  • Every royal family, everywhere in the world, abdicates the throne and redistributes their enormous ill-gotten wealth among the great unwashed.
  • Every single cigarette smoker (or vaper) on the planet quits their disgusting, self-indulgent and destructive habit and donates their smoking (or vaping) money to charity.
  • People stop paying $AU90 to have their fur baby receive a massage.
  • Multinational corporations pay the tax they are required, at law, to pay.
  • Corporations return the taxpayer-funded JobKeeper payments they received while recording massive profits during a pandemic. Go!
  • The world’s major religions release the substantial wealth hoarded in sites such as the Vatican, and direct it to the less fortunate: blessed are the poor.
  • Celebrities stop spending $1315 for a dog collar, $550 for a dog leash, and $84,000 on a car for their 9-year-old daughter.
  • The Australian government reverses the decision to spend $500 million to glorify war.
  • Church organisations in Australia stop defending paedophile priests and redirect the exorbitant legal fees to their parishioners throughout the world. Just drop it off at Vinnies.
  • FIFA and the IOC pay every person who works at their major events, such as the 2023 Women’s World Cup, including the volunteers whose work is essential to the conduct of those events.
  • Local politicians replace pink flowers with institutional change next International Women’s Day.
  • Mattias Cormann pays for his own international flights.
  • Fees for the country’s aged-care facilities do not pay for mansions with tennis courts and swimming pools.
  • The most expensive and elaborate building in the village or town of so many developing nations is not the church, synagogue, mosque, temple or other religious house of worship.
  • Australian taxpayers see a return on the $190,000 Scott Morrison spent on an empathy consultant.
  • Parliamentary pensions are paid on merit.
  • NSW Labor politicians stop shopping at Aldi.

In the interim, residents are advised that special dispensation will be given to GoFundMe pages raising money for highly-paid homophobes and reality TV failures seeking social media stardom.

Image: http://www.istockphoto.com

First published in The Beast magazine, July 2021

Footy Leadership Groups to replace Australian government.

Leadership Groups from Australia’s major football codes will replace the current Australian government while Coalition members take mental health leave. Senior players from sports such as the NRL and AFL will run the country while coalition ministers and senators take sick leave to recover from self-inflicted scandals.

“Footy players will run the country for a while,” announced Prime Minister Scott Morrison.

“Leadership Groups are the perfect replacement for ministers and senators because they are made up of players who have committed public scandals and have not only kept their jobs, but often been rewarded with positions of greater influence. Some have even captained premiership winning teams, just as I captained my team to victory in the last election despite years of incompetence, failure and questionable behaviour. Of course, just like politics, some members of Leadership Groups are responsible and decent people, but they’re often outnumbered.”

Many of the players are currently serving suspensions for off-field scandals, and thus have time to be politicians until ministers and senators return from leave. They will begin their new roles immediately and are expected to perform just as well as the people they replace.

Football players are famous for committing scandals involving the abuse of alcohol and illicit drugs, racism, homophobia, misuse of social media, driving offences, general immorality and mistreatment of women. It is this ongoing behaviour which persuaded the prime minister to call for their help during the current crisis.

“They also have great empathy for women,” explained Morrison, “and one of them was just found guilty of rape, so these are the kind of men we need in parliament house at the moment.”

The footy players who were chosen to fill such a vital role are excited by the new challenge.

“Sweet bro,” they exclaimed.

“Mad Monday every Monday!”

“We can get on the piss, hire some hookers, pop some pills, have wild group sex, denigrate women, make a few sex tapes and share them – might even rape a few b’,*ches – anything goes here.”

The players were reported to be even more excited that they will enjoy greater impunity as politicians than they do as footballers.

“Mate, I’ve been suspended for bloody ever after I got accused of rape, and they haven’t even found me guilty,” stated NRL player Jack de Belin.

“But that Porter bloke got accused of the same thing and they gave him sick leave on full pay. How good is politics!”

The appointment of the Leadership Groups will allow the Coalition to work on their combinations in the early days of the cabinet reshuffle, and will even allow Morrison to take a holiday from doing nothing. The job of PM will be shared between NRL player Jarryd Hayne and the walking disaster, former AFL player Ben Cousins.

Images: http://www.abc.net.au, http://www.gettyimages.com.au

Underperforming team set to bring on reserves.

The starting team is failing. The run on team isn’t up to scratch. What do you do?

You give the reserves a chance.

You put on the replacement players, the ones who’ve been waiting for a chance to show what they can do. It might work, and the team might return to winning ways. It might not, but surely it’s worth a try.

It’s time to take the men off the field, and give women a chance. Men have ruled the world since time began, and the harsh reality is that the world is in a bad way. Man are dropping the ball, missing tackles, throwing forward passes, missing an open goal, and often show a complete lack of effort.

So why are they still on the field?

When sporting teams fail, starting players are replaced – some of them never return. The replacements are given a go, to see if they can fix the problems. Fans demand change. Managers and club bosses demand change. Sponsors demand change. Something always changes when a sporting team is performing poorly for an extended period of time.

If we demand such action for our favourite sporting teams, why are we not demanding the same of the leaders of our society? After all, sporting teams just play sport – it’s not that important. On the other hand, societal leaders, especially politicians, make laws and decisions which effect the daily lives of all of their constituents.

Having multiple women in genuine positions of power could solve some of the world’s biggest problems including overpopulation, environmental destruction, rising inequality, corporate greed, exploitation and human trafficking.

Overpopulation

Overpopulation is the biggest problem facing the world right now. Men cause population growth, and men have prevented it from being addressed. Men continue to stifle efforts to control population growth by standing in the way of methods such as the use of contraception, and the legalisation of abortion and assisted dying. Even suicide is illegal in many countries.

Acceptance and decriminalisation of same-sex relationships could limit population growth, because same-sex couples cannot naturally reproduce. Furthermore, it is known that fewer children are born into relationships with greater gender equality.

Interestingly, organised religions outlaw or criminalise many all of the actions which could limit population growth. Men control organised religions.

Human trafficking

Trafficked people can be male or female, adults or children. Many are forced into hard labour, many are forced into prostitution. Who runs the corporations which benefit from cheap labour? Usually men. Who uses the services of prostitutes? Usually men.

Environmental destruction

Corporate greed, as well as overpopulation, is driving environmental destruction. The climate crisis is causing extreme weather events, which can be disastrous or even deadly. The climate crisis has created environmental refugees and has reduced the amount of resources available to people, at the same time that the world is becoming more populated. Men run the corporations, and created the culture of greed which underpins the corporate world. Corporations and their leaders are obliged to return higher and higher margins of profit at every reporting period. Even business and finance experts agree that this can only be achieved either by acts of economic genius, or by the exploitation of the environment and/or people.

Business experts also argue that female directors can often adopt a different style of management.

It is well documented that during a recent economic downturn, major banks in Iceland suffered massive losses, and were threatened with closure. The economic meltdown was blamed on a banking and business culture that was labelled ‘buccaneering’ and ‘reckless’ – and was overwhelmingly male. The economy was rescued in large part by women.

Three women in particular were credited with boosting the economy. Halla Tómasdóttir and Kristin Petursdóttir are the founders of Audur Capital, and they teamed up with one of Iceland’s most famous names, the singer Bjork, to establish an investment fund that invested in green technology. They made a deliberate effort to incorporate female values into the world of private equity, wealth management and corporate advice. From all reports, it worked.

Iceland’s northern neighbour, Finland, is the origin of Women’s Bank, a fund that supports sustainable entrepreneurship and livelihood among women in developing countries.

According to the Women’s Bank;

“…gaining approval for women’s entrepreneurship is the most efficient way of decreasing poverty in the world, as women and girls often form a forgotten resource.”

Perhaps the best way to harness this resource is to place more women in charge.

Still in Finland, the country has recently earned the distinction of having the world’s youngest leader. Sanna Marin was 34 when elected as prime minister, and remains one of the few women to run a country. Many of her party colleagues are young and female. Is Finland prospering? It appears to be. A detailed analysis of the country’s performance is too lengthy for this article, but the country consistently performs highly in international standardised education tests.

Another young female national leader is Jacinda Ardern, the Prime Minister of New Zealand. New Zealand has almost returned to ‘normality’ after negotiating its way through the COVID-19 pandemic. It’s management of the pandemic is held up as world leading practice. Results that Scott Morrison, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson and Jair Bolsonaro could only dream of.

Jacinda Ardern is a woman. Jacinda Ardern got results. In contrast, Australia’s Prime Minister, Scott Morrison, responded to nationwide protests calling for an end to violence against woman by essentially telling protestors they should be grateful they didn’t get shot.

Is this goal realistic?

Mosuo and Scandinavian cultures prove that a society based on female empowerment can prosper.

Scandinavian societies traditionally enjoyed greater gender equality. Historical texts tell us that women carried out physical tasks alongside men, including hand to hand combat, and owned some of the land on which they worked. They ran a variety of independent businesses and were apparently able to keep the profits, and pass those profits onto their own children. Then this changed, and women were relegated to domestic roles and lost much of their independence. It is believed that this was largely due to the arrival of Christianity.

Mosuo women belong to a rare matriarchal society in Yunnan, south-west China. Apparently, Mosuo women are in charge, marriage does not exist and society follows a maternal bloodline. Men are called upon only for the act of reproduction and women own and inherit poperty.

Does it work?

Well, the system has been lived for thousands of years, and the Mosuo are surviving and prospering.

Great game in a losing team.

Of course. Not all men are performing poorly. Just like a sporting team, some men are doing a great job while those around them are failing. These starting players should be kept on the field when the reserves are brought on because they can be part of the change, part of the solution. Luckily, capable, qualified, skilled, dedicated, determined and proven reserves are ready to take their place of those who are not playing well.

Conversely, women need to be installed in positions of power in sufficient numbers. Individual women may be talented and capable, and some countries, states, provinces, organisations and corporations are led by women. But individual woman will struggle to make genuine change, and may only be able to, or interested in, perpetuating the cycle which caused so much damage to the world. Bringing on only one reserve when the team is being thrashed will not save the team – no matter how good that player is.

The ideal team is thus a combination of men and women who are capable and produce consistent results. A team selected by merit, not gender.

Men created and control the systems which have placed the world in such a precarious position. The systems need to change for a more optimistic future. Can those systems change while men are still in charge?

Image: http://www.sherrin.com.au

Australian Museum of Democracy to open in Canberra.

A museum commemorating the existence of democracy in Australia will soon be opened in Canberra. The Australian Museum of Democracy will serve as a historical reminder of the days when democracy was a central pillar of the nation’s government.

The Prime Minister of Australia, Scott Morrison, opened the museum recently and spoke glowingly of democracy as a prominent feature of Australia’s past.

“Democracy belongs in a museum,” he gloated.

“I am enormously proud to announce the establishment of the Australian Museum of Democracy in the nation’s capital, and I am equally proud to have overseen the destruction of that democracy.”

“The museum reminds all Australians of a time when governments acted democratically and largely in the interests of their constituents, and I encourage all Australians to make the journey to Canberra and look back with fondness at such an idyllic period in our history.”

“The delightful museum is located in Old Parliament House, which hasn’t been used for governing since 1988, and this is appropriate because there’s not much democracy in the new parliament house,” Morrison smirked.

The museum displays numerous artefacts from the nation’s democratic history since Federation in 1901. One section is dedicated to the Free press and recalls a time when media outlets were owned by numerous people and offered a variety of opinions on current affairs and politics. It also recounts the days when the federal and state governments were not controlled by the man who now owns almost all of Australia’s media, Rupert Murdoch.

Visitors can read, view and listen to news stories which reported the news, rather than simply reproducing government press releases or repeating the latest slogan from the government. Visitors can also learn about something called ‘investigative journalism’ and how this held society’s leaders to account.

Many younger Australians will be amazed to learn that mainstream news content was once more than just government press releases, celebrity gossip, reality TV show recaps and stories about football WAGS.

Genuine choice in parties

The museum also contains archival and historical relics detailing the days in which Australians enjoyed a genuine choice between political parties. The Liberal, National and Labor parties all stood for distinct principles, and while they came together during times of hardship such as war, they provided Australian voters with a genuine choice according to the voter’s world view.

Australians passing through the museum can also witness politicians making policies, not slogans, and parliamentary debates obsessed with producing laws, not sound bites. They can also read transcripts of opposition members challenging policy proposals of the government, instead of weakly acquiescing.

The remainder of the museum exhibits evidence of a time when the Australian government did not attempt to merge religion and politics or glorify war, and a time when the government respected the right of citizens to protest. Australians can reminisce on a time when border security was not a national obsession, and when particular racial or religious groups were not blamed for the nation’s every problem.

Australians can also look back on a time when politicians did not use exclusive nationalism to win votes and divide the nation, and when corporations were expected to pay tax and behave responsibly. Finally, Aussie citizens can look back at a time when the government was not attempting to spy on its own citizens, unless they were red and hiding under the bed.

Image: Aditya Joshi

P.S. The Museum of Australian Democracy exists. It is real. This article is satire, written to draw attention to the erosion of democracy in Australia by the current government. The actual Museum of Australian Democracy is in Old Parliament House, Canberra, and it houses a real collection of real archives depicting real events in Australia’s political history. Apparently it’s quite interesting and informative.