Scott Morrison recruits Tristan Sailor.


Prime Minister Scott Morrison has appointed rugby league player Tristan Sailor as the federal Minister for Women due to Sailor’s dedication to the rights of women. The appointment ensures that the Liberal National Party will always contain one male member who is under investigation for sexual assault.

Morrison persuaded Sailor to join the coalition over a beer in Bondi.

“How good is Tristan Sailor,” Morrison gloated while announcing the appointment.

“You know I love my footy, and I love Tristan, even though he never played for the Sharkies,” he smirked.

“But no, in all seriousness, I’m very excited to announce Mr Sailor as the new Minister for Women because he is a great role model for young Australian men who has a great empathy for women. For that reason, I met up with him for a beer at the Beach Road Hotel pub in Bondi. When we were in the Uber back to the Shire, I invited him to Canberra.”

Sailor will begin his new role immediately and his first task will be to recount his experiences at the pub in Bondi, 2020.

“Tristan will tell us all about the night which started at the Beach Road Hotel with friends, then continued back in the Shire. He will tell us how he had sex with a friend of his who then texted him the next morning to ask what had happened, because she was unsure. The murky details and the question of whether the woman was in a position to give consent are very similar to incidents which occur here in Canberra, so we’re very keen to have Tristan on board.”

“During the Uber ride, I told him how I also travelled from the Eastern Suburbs to the Shire and deceived people to get what I wanted – and now look at me!”

Sailor was equally excited about the new role.

“I love women,” he stated.

“I really love them, so when Scotty asked me to be his Minister for Women, I said yes straight away. Plus, I don’t do much these days since I can’t play NRL – so at least it’s one way to pass the time.”

Sailor will work alongside a special group formed in response to recent allegations of sexual assault and bullying of women in parliament house. The group contains politicians such as Christian Porter, Barnaby Joyce, Peter Dutton, Alan Tudge and George Christensen, and will report directly to Morrison – except when the prime minister needs to claim plausible deniability.

Image: http://www.canberratimes.com.au

Scott Morrison recruits Jarryd Hayne.

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has appointed former rugby league player Jarryd Hayne as the federal Minister for Women due to Hayne’s dedication to gender equality. The appointment ensures that the Liberal National Party will always contain one male member who is under investigation for sexual assault.

Morrison persuaded Hayne to join the coalition during a prayer service at Hillsong Church.

“How good is Jarryd Hayne,” Morrison gloated while announcing the appointment.

“You know I love my footy, and I love Jarryd, even though he never played for the Sharkies,” he smirked.

“But no, in all seriousness, I’m very excited to announce Mr Hayne as the new Minister for Women because he is a great role model for young Australian men, who has a great empathy for women. For that reason, I approached him during intermission at one of Hillsong’s rock concerts and asked him to join us in Canberra.”

“What’s more, Jarryd just got married. First of all, congratulations. Secondly, he is now able to empathise with women because he has a wife. I ask Jenny for advice, and Jarryd can ask Amellia for advice.”

Hayne will begin his new role immediately and his first task will be to recount his experiences in the United States.

“We know Jarryd spent time trialling for the NFL,” explained Morrison. “What you might have forgotten is that he was also accused of sexual assault in the US and the matter was settled out of court. Therefore, he will brief the LNP on how to settle a sexual assault case out of court, and how to make everyone forget the alleged incident ever happened.”

Hayne was equally excited about the new role.

“I love women,” he stated.

“I really love them – Aussie women, American women, I love them all, so when Scotty asked me to be his Minister for Women, I said yes straight away. Plus, I don’t do much these days since I can’t play NRL – so at least it’s one way to pass the time.”

Hayne will work alongside a special group formed in response to recent allegations of sexual assault and bullying of women in parliament house. The group contains politicians such as Christian Porter, Barnaby Joyce, Peter Dutton, Alan Tudge and George Christensen, and will report directly to Morrison – except when the prime minister needs to claim plausible deniability.

Image: http://www.abc.net.au

Peter Dutton declares themself gender neutral in time for Mardi Gras.

Peter Dutton has shocked voters and conservative colleagues with the news that they is gender neutral. Australia’s Minister for Home Affairs declared that their alter ego, Potato Head, has come out as gender neutral in the midst of the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras.

Mr Dutton will now be known as Dutton, or Potato Head, and has asked the media and party speechwriters to refer to them in gender neutral terms.

“I am declaring myself gender neutral,” announced Dutton at a press conference.

“Every year I feel like less of a man, especially after entering politics and overseeing the policies of Home Affairs. For that reason, myself and my alter ego, Potato Head, will now be known as gender neutral.”

“I have deliberated over this decision for a long time, but with Mardi Gras around the corner, and various political scandals involving my name, I decided it was a good idea to circulate this story in the media.”

It is not yet known whether Kirilly Dutton will retain her title of Mrs Potato Head, or also come out as gender neutral.

The Prime Minister, Scott Morrison, has also shocked Australians with his public support for Potato Head. He was expected to denounce the move on religious grounds, but said he consulted his wife Jenny before embracing the change.

“Now that Peter is no longer a man, they is better able to empathise with women, especially the four who have accused one of our party members of sexual assault just 50 metres from my office.”

Mardi Gras organisers rushed to congratulate Dutton and to invite participants to create a new ‘Potato Head’ float for the famous parade.

“We are overjoyed at the news that one of our most senior politicians has found the confidence and courage to declare themselves gender neutral. Being true to oneself and being proud of one’s identity are central to the founding philosophy of Mardi Gras, and we welcome Peter into our family. It would be wonderful to see Peter dancing on top of a float, beside a life-size model of the newly-outed Potato Head”

Mardi Gras organisers have extended an invitation to the minister to attend part of the weeks-long festival, including the street parade on the evening of Saturday, March 6.

“Obviously Dutton is a very busy person, but hopefully they can find time to party among friends. Maybe they could fly to Sydney for a day or two – we know they can affords the flights.”

Many Australians wondered how gender neutrality could be claimed at all by a creature that is not human, while cynics have pointed out that the decision was simply an attempt to revive interest in an increasingly unpopular, irrelevant and outdated character.

Dutton rejected those claims.

“That is an outrageous and offensive slander,” they replied.

“Myself and my party have a proven record of progressive social policies, especially in regards to gender and sexuality. One only needs to examine our response to the same-sex marriage debate and the treatment of women in parliament and society in general, to see that the LNP is and always has been a proud supporter of gender equality and inclusion.”

They then added,

“The LNP does not do cheap publicity stunts.”

Image: http://www.smh.com.au

Scott Morrison forces single Aussie men into mass weddings.

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has ordered every single Australian adult male to marry in mass wedding ceremonies in order to improve attitudes towards women in Australia.

The shock decision follows Morrison’s confession that he gained greater empathy for an alleged rape victim within his own party after speaking with his wife Jenny.

“Only a man with a wife can understand women,” the Prime Minister stated.

“Only a man with daughters can understand women. For that reason, every single Australian man aged 18 and over will be forced to marry a woman and produce at least one daughter.”

The mass weddings will take place at Hillsong mega churches throughout the country and will resemble the famous Holy Marriage Blessing Ceremonies of the Unification Church in South Korea, in which hundreds of couples marry under the direction of the Reverend Moon and his wife.

“Mass weddings will remove Australian men from the lineage of misogynistic patriarchy and into empathetic and open-minded lineage. As a result, the husband, and even any sons produced by that marriage, will exist free from the consequences of misogyny,” Morrison explained.

“This is what happened to me. I had no idea how to react to news that a young female staff member within my party had allegedly been raped, which is why I did nothing about it for such a long time. Then I spoke to Jenny and she reminded me that I had daughters, and that I should think about them when I discussed the incident with my staff.”

“Before Jenny spoke to me, I thought daughters were just for photo opportunities.”

The first mass ceremony will be held at Morrison’s own church, Horizon Church in the Sutherland Shire of Sydney, and will involve straight men, gay men and trans men. The Christian ceremony will also be compulsory for men of other faiths and those who identify as atheist or agnostic. Only men serving prison sentences will be exempt from the mass weddings. Like Reverend Moon, Morrison will personally match all of the couples.

Morrison was asked if single women have a choice in whether to marry.

“No”

After the mass weddings, couples will be forced to try for children, and to use any conceivable method to produce daughters. Staff from the Prime Minster’s Office will conduct random and regular checks on all couples.

“The second son of any family which does not have daughters will be forced to undergo gender conversion therapy,” stated Morrison.

Morrison was optimistic that the program would create a nation of men with more empathy for women.

“It’s funny you know, I paid an empathy coach $190,000 but I still didn’t develop any empathy for women in this country.”

Image: Drew Coffman

Australian Labor Party: The Clayton’s opposition.

The current Australian Labor Party is the Clayton’s opposition: the opposition you have when you’re not having an opposition.

The current Labor Party draws its inspiration from Clayton’s beer, which was a non-alcoholic beer whose slogan read: ‘Clayton’s, the drink you have when you’re not having a drink.’

Clayton’s existed to offer Australians, particularly men, the chance to avoid drinking beer but appear to be drinking beer. Clayton’s looks exactly like beer and allowed patrons at pubs or social gatherings to avoid teasing or criticism from their peers. At the height of Clayton’s popularity, men in particular were expected to drink beer in every social setting, and to drink a lot, or risk having their masculinity or sexuality questioned. Indeed, the saying went;

‘Never trust a man who doesn’t drink.’

The current federal Labor Party embodies the spirit of Clayton’s beer because it offers the appearance of an opposition party, but in reality it is not an opposition party.

In reality, the current Labor Party offers no genuine alternative to the current government. The Labor Party supports the LNP in many policy areas, even those which contradict with the founding principles of the party. Labor continually contradicts itself on climate policy, and it has been unable to protect the rights of workers or to increase wages.

As a result, the Australia voting public is fooled into thinking it has a functioning opposition party and an alternative to the current government, but in practical terms it doesn’t. A recent reshuffle of the federal Labor government placed different members in different portfolios, but only time will tell if this makes any real difference to the operation of the party. Their current slogan is “On Your Side”, but whose side is that?

In many cases, Labor gives the impression of being beholden to the right wing elements of the party.

What is a right wing Labor member?

A Liberal?

What is an ineffectual opposition party?

A Clayton’s opposition party?

Image: Matt Palmer

Companies reject offer to partner with Australia’s Liberal National Party.

Numerous companies have rejected offers to link with Australia’s federal coalition after discovering that the party intended to use their brands to promote a message of whiteness.

Companies selling products as diverse as toothpaste, electronics, food, cosmetics and laundry powder received offers of brand partnerships from the Liberal National Party (LNP) and other parties, but quickly and adamantly rejected them on ethical grounds.

Companies such as Buttercup, Civant, Skin Doctor, Colgate, Oral B, Harvey Norman and Persil were approached, but quickly and emphatically declined the offer.

Whiter skin

The LNP approached a number of companies in the cosmetics industry whose products promise to whiten a user’s skin.

“Many of our members received an offer to team up with the federal coalition,” read a statement from the cosmetics industry.

“The LNP wanted to align themselves with products such as Meladerm, White Lucent cream and Skin Doctor Whitening Cream, all of which promise optimal whitening of a user’s skin. The coalition were desparate to associate themselves with products which could make the Australian population whiter.”

“Our industry emphatically declined the offer and asked the coalition to never contact us in the future.”

White Thick, Mighty Soft

Buttercup claims the company was approached by the Prime Minister himself. Scott Morrison was reportedly excited to create a marketing campaign around the bread called White Thick.

“Mr Morrison sought a brand affiliation with the White Thick loaf,” explained Buttercup.

“He said it created positive associations with whiteness, and that the word Thick describes their intellectual approach to government, as well as the physical stature of Craig Kelly and George Christensen, and close ally Clive Palmer.”

The PM apparently also liked the phrase Mighty Soft because it reflects the LNP’s acquiescence to Rupert Murdoch and the fossil fuel industry, and their fear of the extreme right wing voters they work so hard to appease.

White Goods

Morrison also made overtures to companies such as Harvey Norman, Bing Lee and The Good Guys, because they sell white goods.

While Gerry Harvey is said to have shown some interest, the directors of Bing Lee and The Good Guys swiftly declined the offer.

“We were amazed the PM would make such an offer to a company named after a Chinese-Australian family, but then Mr Morrison told us he always thought Bing Lee was named after a former Aussie fast bowler. When he recovered from his shock, he told us the party was very interested in companies who were able to merge the words ‘White’ and ‘Good’ – he thought that was quite clever.”

Another white goods retailer told the LNP,

“No. You’re not the good guys!”

Laundry company Persil also attracted the attention of the current ruling party.

“The LNP were very keen to adopt our famous slogan “Whiter than White” because they said it embodies their core ideology and their vision for Australia. We rejected their offer because we simply produce laundry detergent and that has nothing to do with race or politics.”

Separate whites and colours

Many more laundry brands have since come forward with reports of overtures from the LNP, as well as other fringe parties and candidates such as Pauline Hanson’s One Nation party.

“Essentially they were excited by the habit of separating whites from colours, and they said this is a practice they would like to see adopted in Australian society in general. They claimed that mixing whites and colours forces colours to leak and stain the whites, therefore ruining the white ones forever.”

“We reminded the party representatives that separating whites and colours in broader society is the definition of apartheid – and they reacted with horror at the use of that word, claiming that the Australian government has never used that word to describe its policies. They didn’t deny the existence of apartheid in Australia, just the word itself.”

“Semantics aside, our industry made it very clear to Mr Morrison and his colleagues that this is a marketing strategy we would never endorse.”

Whiter smiles

Whiter smiles are something the LNP would also like to see, not just within its own membership, but in Australian society in general, according to the oral care industry.

Companies such as Oral B and Colgate Palmolive were contacted on the basis that their products keep things white, and that whiteness represents the epitome of teeth. The oral care industry was also swift in rejecting the branding offer and sternly rejected any associations with the undertones of white supremacy within the current Australian government.

“We did, however, remind Mr Morrison of the importance of flossing and brushing daily, especially if he wants to maintain his famous smirk.”

Image: http://www.gettyimages.com.au

Australian government bans the teaching of Ethics.

The Australian government has outlawed the teaching of Ethics in all Australian schools for fear that it will encourage students to expect ethical behaviour from adults.

The ban will be implemented immediately and will include all government and private schools across all levels of education. All ethics activities will be replaced by studies of Christianity.

“Ethics has no place in Australian schools,” announced Minister for Education Dan Tehan.

“Just as ethics has no place in Australian society.”

Tehan explained that when ethics is taught, students expect ethical behaviour from adults such as politicians and business leaders, and that this was an entirely unrealistic expectation.

Ethics was previously offered as a stand-alone subject (or a module in other subjects) throughout the country in primary and secondary schools, and many students at government schools chose the subject instead of scripture classes.

The subject examined ethical and unethical behaviour in all spheres of life and aimed to create young people who would adopt lifelong ethical practices. Ethics will no longer be offered, and teachers of the subject will be forced into seminaries along with school counsellors.

“The only place students will see Ethics on the curriculum is in History, where it will be presented as a quaint relic of the past,” stated Tehan.

The minister then cited politicians as a prime example of unethical role models in contemporary society.

“Every day we see reports of grossly unethical behaviour from politicians (except me) who not only keep their jobs, but are voted back in at elections, proving that many Australian adults care little for ethics. Similar behaviour is repeated by leaders in the corporate world, and the shareholders who profit from their actions.”

“If we continue to teach ethics to the youth of today, they will develop an unrealistic expectation of ethical behaviour in the current national leaders, and are likely to engage in reasoning, critical thinking and the application of evidence when they become adults and take leadership of society.”

“For this reason, Ethics has been replaced with Christianity, which is much more effective in creating compliant citizens.”

Image: http://www.abc.net.au

Australians care more about their dogs than their prime minister.

Sorry Scotty, but it seems Australians care more about their dogs than they do about you.

Feedback on recent articles centred on Scott Morrison and dog owners demonstrates a much greater passion for people’s four legged friends than for their prime minister.

The articles in question are numerous satirical texts published in a monthly magazine called The Beast, which is distributed in Bondi and the eastern beaches of Sydney.

The first article concerning the prime minister was titled:

“Scott Morrison Imprisoned for UnAustralian Activities”

It suggested that the current elected leader of the democratic nation of Australia should spend the rest of his life in bars – effective immediately. It listed many real shortcomings of the prime minister and his colleagues, and focussed on one particular action which is UnAustralian (you’ll have to read the article to find out).

Other articles were titled:

“The Shire Sends ScoMo Back to Where He Came From”

“Waverley’s Nightwatchman Scores a Century”

The articles provoked no response. No letters were sent directly to the author. No letters to the editor were published in the following issues, despite the fact that Morrison grew up in the eastern suburbs, went to school in the area and still has family and friends in the area. The region is also a safe seat for the Liberal Party, Morrison’s party.

Not one reader leapt to his defence.

Why?

The nickname “Scotty” may explain their reluctance. Educated and informed Australians call Morrison ‘Scotty from Marketing’ because they know he is nothing more than a Liberal National Party re-branding exercise. The previous leader, Malcolm Turnbull was seen as aloof and unapproachable. Thus, Rupert Murdoch, Gina Rinehart and Liberal powerbrokers removed Turnbull and installed Morrison, and sent him forth to drink beer, watch football and spout meaningless slogans.

‘Liar from the Shire’ is another popular nickname. The Shire is the region of southern Sydney which Morrison represents, and Morrison is famous for lying about many of his own policy failures. It is also commonly known that Morrison only won preselection for the safe Liberal seat after moving out of the eastern suburbs and running a dirty tricks campaign against the other Liberal candidate.

Australians also know that Morrison is merely a puppet of Rupert Murdoch and the fossil fuel industry. Perhaps readers of The Beast did not rush to defend the prime minister because they are starting to see through the spin.

Maybe the satirical articles have no impact.

Perhaps, but the reponse to the dog articles would suggest otherwise.

Recent articles about dog owners in the eastern suburbs have carried the following titles:

“Safe Injecting Space Planned for Mackenzies Bay”

“Free Literacy Classes for Eastern Suburbs Dog Parents”

“Dog Owners Kicked off Clovelly Dog Park”

All of these articles criticise eastern suburbs dog owners, primarily because they walk their dogs in off-leash areas and ignore the local rules.

Every single article about dogs and dog owners provokes a flood of responses. Readers launch into an attack on the author and the content of the articles. Feedback is impassioned, emotional, personal and usually filled with profanity.

Mistake-ridden responses include phrases such as

“Fuck you and your shit article…”

“Up you’res kieran im gonna take 10 Dogs n do drugzzzz”

Other responses are not suitable for public viewing.

Dog owners react strongly to every single article written about the topic of dogs and the actions of their owners, but ignore articles about the person who runs their country, who was born and bred in the eastern suburbs.

Australians clearly care more about their dogs than their prime minister.

Images: Gabriel Crismariu, Craig Greenhill

Australians to be denied lifesaving surgery.

The Australian government has angered the nation after announcing a new policy that will prohibit lifesaving surgery for seriously ill patients.

Australians will be forced to tolerate any illness or disease which threatens their future health or even their lives, and will be prohibited from receiving treatment for illnesses such as cancer.

“There is a prevailing belief that a disease, illness or affliction which harms or kills the host body must be removed or eliminated,” announced federal Minister for Health Greg Hunt.

“This leads to doctors and surgeons removing or eliminating illnesses such as cancer from people’s bodies, so that the patient can survive. It is also the reason for the global effort to develop a vaccine for COVID-19.”

Hunt argued that if this principle was applied to other contexts in day to day life, it would create major implications for the nation. To prove his argument, Hunt cited Rupert Murdoch and NewsCorp which are regarded as a cancer on democracy in The US, The UK and Australia.

“Does that mean we have to remove Rupert and NewsCorp from Australia, before it kills the country?”

“That would require actions such as a royal commission into media ownership or some form of regulation of the content produced by NewsCorp on a daily basis,” Hunt explained.

“Without Rupert’s propaganda, there is no way my party will win the next election.”

Hunt then referred to Brumbies in the Australian bush.

“Feral horses, known affectionately as ‘Brumbies’, destroy the ecology of our wilderness, including in our national parks. Some people seem to think that if something is so obviously destructive, it should be eliminated.”

“But these invasive animals are ‘heritage horses’. Aussies hold them up as symbols of our great nation, and people are forgetting that misguided, inaccurate and outdated notions of Australian identity are a cornerstone of our culture.”

Hunt then explained that the flawed thinking of removing that which threatens its host would necessitate much greater regulations on cats, because they are the single most destructive introduced species in Australia, as well as a rapid transition from fossil fuels to renewable energy.

“Finally, we would also have to remove from Australia elements such as Pauline Hanson and Clive Palmer. They do so much damage to our national institutions, but they proved enormously useful to the Liberal National Coalition in recent years.”

Images: http://www.worldatlas.com, http://www.redlandcitybulletin.com.au

Scott Morrison stars in The Perfect Puppet.

The Prime Minister of Australia, Scott Morrison, will perform the lead role in a rollicking new stage show called The Perfect Puppet, set to hit theatres this summer. The hilarious pantomime follows the jovial and bumbling lead puppet Scotty through an endless series of mishaps and misadventures with his band of hapless friends.

The stage show will be performed under the direction of revered puppet masters Rupert Murdoch and Gina Rinehart, and is sure to fill theatres during the Christmas holidays, especially since the show has been given special permission to ignore any and all social distancing restrictions.

The PM delivers an outstanding performance as the likable and bumbling protagonist Scotty who leads the audience through unforgettable scenes such as:

Jenny and The Girls

Holidays in Hawaii

Malfeasant Malcolm

Slogans for Bogans

I Dug A Hole

I Stopped the Boats, and…

I Fracked My Pants at Engadine Maccas.

Throughout the show, Scotty’s friends drag him into all manner of problems which look certain to destroy the popular puppet forever. But Scotty’s puppet masters and his deity save him from every situations and he escapes with merely a scratch.

“We had no hesitation in casting Morrison for this role,” stated Murdoch and Rinehart.

“He is the perfect puppet in every way.”

“His range is phenomenal. Throughout the show he transforms into characters as diverse as Daggy Dad, Captain Corruption, Captain Coal, Liar from The Shire, Scotty from Marketing, Sham Sharkie, the Misogynist, the Crazy Christian, The Denier and The Job Faker, all with his trademark smirk.

“The entire time, the audience is captivated by his on-stage persona and come to love him more and more.”

Morrison is said to have thrown himself into the role with his famed dedication and selflessness.

“His commitment to the role has been astounding,” continued Murdoch. “He even constructed his own puppet stage in the backyard to practice for the role – and got Jenny and the girls to rehearse with him.”

Morrison is expected to headline The Perfect Puppet well into 2021, or until Rupert and Gina find a more suitable lead puppet. Tickets for the live show are on sale now and can be obtained through any NewsCorp publication.

Images: Twitter, Craig Greenhill