This Land…

Darkness enveloped the land.

A depressing grey pall hung heavily over the land and fomented despicable violence which entrenched anger, frustration, despair and fear in those victimised by birth. Toxic masculinity leeched from the pores of rabid salivating animals and sullied the pristine waterways, the same waterways which had offered solace and retreat in an imagined past; the white-capped waves and golden sands since converted into a haven for leering eyes and lecherous ghouls.

Fear racked the fairer sex. Survival strategies were devised and disseminated, carried in nervous whispers through the darkened streets and the darker web. Clothes, make-up and sobriety were scrutinised before safety was promised in the world outside – the land outside which they called home. Home, where violence had been domesticated, by those who had not.

Keys to unlock inherited power were now held between forefingers. Capsicum spray sat beside scented spray and self-care acquiesced to self-defence. Avoid the darkness, they were told, but darkness was everywhere. Darkness had swallowed the land and voraciously consumed all that was good.

Emboldened by self-appointed truth tellers and by the weakness of their rulers, they threatened and struck, abused and demeaned, dismissed and suppressed. Emboldened by the apathy, silence and spin of the law makers. Law makers or law breakers? The lines had blurred, the distinction lost.

Depravity extended its greedy tentacles from the distant corridors of power to the hallowed grounds of prestige, where the elite schooled their offspring in the perpetuation of power.

How good! they cheer,

How good! to leer.

Retain your grace, remain the same,

Make-up your face, your words be tame.

Enough is enough, the victims declared, but it was never enough. Never enough for the rapacious scourge which infested their world and controlled their bodies, and the bodies within bodies.

The fair were few and far between, ignored in print, ignored on screen. They and their allies drowned under a deluge of ignorance and noise as the heavens unleashed a torrent of hate and lies, and cowardly cries.  It comes from the sky, it comes from up high, the news we use to justify.

Dystopia was not an imagined future, dystopia was a lived present, dictated for eternity by one bite of a forbidden fruit.

Then he emerged.

Short in stature, but bold of heart.

Follow me, he declared, in messianic tones, and I will deliver you from darkness and into light. I will protect you, he promised. So, follow him they did and the light returned. Joy, gaiety and unimagined bliss filled their souls.

Pink roses blossomed. Pink roses bloomed with hope and the promise of a new future.

All was well in the land of pink roses.

Image: Carlos Quintero

First published in The Beast magazine, May 2021

Slogans for Bogans.

Australia’s new rulers are beholden to bogans,

and win their support with cheap empty slogans.

True leaders lead and make tough decisions,

but bogans treat truth with ingrained derision.

Our leader needs loyal and fast-breeding bogans,

so keeps them on leash with cheap empty slogans.

How good are slogans, and an arrogant smirk,

for replacing policy or actual work!

The Almighty Rupert runs free propaganda,

for a party with nothing but cheap tricks and slander.

Slogans are cover for scandal and vice;

an ignorant bogan will never think twice.

JobMaker, JobKeeper, Homebuilder, JobSeeker,

just more PR spin while the nation gets weaker.

The bogans believe he is fighting corona,

thanks to the monster behind the persona,

the faceless and scheming marketing masters,

who shield their puppet from self-made disasters.

Go to the football, be seen to drink beer

and ignorant bogans will laugh, clap and cheer.

Follow a team that is not your own,

your slogans will keep you entrenched on the throne.

Back to the football, sink some more beers,

and do little else for four more years.

Fool all the bogans with stage-managed drinking,

and gut public schools to stop them from thinking.

Boast to the bogans, you turned back the boats,

tell them we’re gert by one giant moat.

Change just one word in our national song,

don’t dredge up the past, we did nothing wrong!

He fled to Hawaii with the nation on fire,

his bogans took selfies with Scott the Messiah!

The branding of ScoMo

Put progress in SlowMo,

But now real Aussies

Want ScoMo to GoMo

Image: http://www.nypost.com

Parliament House to host Mad Monday in 2021.

Parliament House in Canberra will host the Mad Monday celebrations for Australia’s major football codes in 2021 after it was revealed to be a den of iniquity.

So many reports of scandalous behaviour are emerging from the nation’s seat of power on a daily basis that players from sports such as the NRL, AFL and Super Rugby have booked the venue for their annual end-of-season parties.

“Mad Monday is every Monday!” exclaimed a combined statement from representatives of the football codes organising the festivities.

“Parliament House is where it’s at boys!- anything goes. We can get on the piss, anywhere, we can bring in some hookers, get high, get stoned, come and go any time of the day or night. But best of all, we’ll get away with it!” explained Brendan Fevola.

“How good!”

The excitement among current and former players was palpable on group chats, as attendees realised they could turn back the clock to the glory days of Mad Monday and bonding sessions without pesky photographers, no-fault stand down rules, fines, suspensions – or any consequences for their behaviour.

“We can sink a thousand beers and pull a chick, any chick,” wrote an excited Toby Rudolf.

Players like Adam Elliott, from the NRL Bulldogs, are excited that they can get naked and dance on tables without appearing on the front page of a newspaper. Others like Tyrone May, Dylan Napa and Corey Norman are looking forward to making or distributing sex tapes without fear of punishment.

“How’s the WiFi?”, asked Israel Folau, who is determined to spread damaging misinformation via social media just like LNP member Craig Kelly, while racist players wanted to know if they could access Pauline Hanson’s office.

Mark Gasnier, Jonathon Patton and Shaun Kenny-Dowall were also interested in the quality of reception, because they guarantee they can match any of the lewd messages and pictures that MP Michael Johnsen sent to a sex worker. Sam Newman, meanwhile, is a big fan of the general depravity and rampant misogyny.

Players like Mitchell Pearce were making dibs on the offices of Christian Porter and Barnaby Joyce so they could commit adultery with young women and keep their substantial salaries, while Jayden Okunbor and Corey Harawira-Naera wanted to know if any high schools were likely to be visiting the seat of government in October this year.

Jack de Belin and Tristan Sailor, meanwhile, expressed their delight that players accused of rape will not end up in prison, lose their job or even be suspended.

“If only I’d been a politician,” they commented via their lawyers.

Parliament House will replace Hillsong Church in Sydney as the host of the famously wild party in 2021.

“Hillsong was great, but it’s not an option anymore”, explained one of the chief organisers, ex-AFL star Ben Cousins.

“We got that venue last year because ScoMo (Scott Morrison), Jarryd (Hayne) and a heap of other players have connections there. But Jarryd’s probably gonna be in prison later this year, and Scotty might not last much longer as PM, so the church isn’t an option. Manase Fainu kept tryin’ to tell us that a church is great place to have a party but, nah, we realised Parliament House was rockin’ this year.”

Politicians and their staffers have been invited to join the players and have promised to guide the football heroes to locations such as the prayer room, the office of Linda Reynolds and the bar.

Image: Aditya Joshi

Footy Leadership Groups to replace Australian government.

Leadership Groups from Australia’s major football codes will replace the current Australian government while Coalition members take mental health leave. Senior players from sports such as the NRL and AFL will run the country while coalition ministers and senators take sick leave to recover from self-inflicted scandals.

“Footy players will run the country for a while,” announced Prime Minister Scott Morrison.

“Leadership Groups are the perfect replacement for ministers and senators because they are made up of players who have committed public scandals and have not only kept their jobs, but often been rewarded with positions of greater influence. Some have even captained premiership winning teams, just as I captained my team to victory in the last election despite years of incompetence, failure and questionable behaviour. Of course, just like politics, some members of Leadership Groups are responsible and decent people, but they’re often outnumbered.”

Many of the players are currently serving suspensions for off-field scandals, and thus have time to be politicians until ministers and senators return from leave. They will begin their new roles immediately and are expected to perform just as well as the people they replace.

Football players are famous for committing scandals involving the abuse of alcohol and illicit drugs, racism, homophobia, misuse of social media, driving offences, general immorality and mistreatment of women. It is this ongoing behaviour which persuaded the prime minister to call for their help during the current crisis.

“They also have great empathy for women,” explained Morrison, “and one of them was just found guilty of rape, so these are the kind of men we need in parliament house at the moment.”

The footy players who were chosen to fill such a vital role are excited by the new challenge.

“Sweet bro,” they exclaimed.

“Mad Monday every Monday!”

“We can get on the piss, hire some hookers, pop some pills, have wild group sex, denigrate women, make a few sex tapes and share them – might even rape a few b’,*ches – anything goes here.”

The players were reported to be even more excited that they will enjoy greater impunity as politicians than they do as footballers.

“Mate, I’ve been suspended for bloody ever after I got accused of rape, and they haven’t even found me guilty,” stated NRL player Jack de Belin.

“But that Porter bloke got accused of the same thing and they gave him sick leave on full pay. How good is politics!”

The appointment of the Leadership Groups will allow the Coalition to work on their combinations in the early days of the cabinet reshuffle, and will even allow Morrison to take a holiday from doing nothing. The job of PM will be shared between NRL player Jarryd Hayne and the walking disaster, former AFL player Ben Cousins.

Images: http://www.abc.net.au, http://www.gettyimages.com.au

Strict ban imposed on Australian politicians.

Politicians cannot visit schools and children will no longer make excursions to federal or state parliament houses following revelations of appalling behaviour from politicians and their staffers.

The ban will take effect immediately and hinges on one key issue:

“Many politicians and their staff do not qualify for a Working With Children Check (WWCC)” explained a spokesperson for the Australian Society for the Protection of Children (ASPC).

“Our nation’s leaders have committed or defended acts that are illegal, immoral, depraved and reprehensible, and this disqualifies them from a WWCC. Without a WWCC, an adult is not allowed to interact with children in any official capacity.”

The spokesperson was adamant that not all politicians have behaved poorly, but that a blanket ban at the present time was the only way to protect the nation’s children.

“Remember, it is not just the politicians themselves who visit schools or community and youth organisations. They arrive with an entourage of minders, advisors, media attaches, staffers and interns, and it is their staffers who are sometimes the biggest problem, as news stories have demonstrated in recent weeks.”

Australian school children will not be allowed to visit Parliament House on official school excursions, denying them a trip that was something of a right of passage for Aussie kids. Parents are also advised that anyone under the age of 18 will be denied entry to the halls of power in Canberra and state capitals.

“Parliament House is crawling with creeps,” stated the ASPC, “It’s not even a safe place for adults.”

The decision follows the shocking discovery of disgraceful behaviour in parliamentary buildings and other locations, by the people entrusted to run the country.

A junior staffer revealed an alleged rape in a minister’s office in Canberra, and numerous women have reported sexual harassment by male staff members. The same women provided evidence that their claims were not taken seriously, or were ignored, in order to protect the politician, staffer or the political party.

Media outlets have also revealed instances of male staffers masturbating on a woman’s desk, filming the act and sharing the video with male colleagues, and of prostitutes being brought into parliament house.

The Attorney General, the highest law officer in the land, was caught fraternising with young female staffers in a public bar just minutes from Parliament House. Apart from committing adultery, the minister was also accused of placing himself in a compromising position which could threaten the security of the nation. He continues to be protected by his party, and by the prime minister.

In addition, the prime minister, and the federal minister for women refused to meet face to face with the thousands of protestors participating in marches throughout the country calling for greater rights and protection for women inside and outside of politics.

“All of these acts preclude a person from securing a WWCC, and cast them as terrible role models for the nation’s school children. This is why we have had to place a ban on interactions between politicians and children,” clarified the spokesperson.

“The ban will be lifted when politicians and their staffers start behaving like moral human beings”

Image: Aditya Joshi

Parliament House for 4 Year Olds.

Parliament House for 4 Year Olds is a delightful new TV series in which young children teach Australia’s federal politicians how to behave. The landmark series will be filmed inside Parliament House, Canberra, and follows the ground-breaking documentary Old People’s Home for 4 Year Olds, which aired on the Australian Broadcasting Commission (ABC) in 2017.

The successful ABC series followed a group of 4-year-old children during their visits to an aged-care facility. The interaction between residents and the children was proven to improve the physical, mental and emotional wellbeing of the elderly participants, and it is hoped the series at Parliament House will improve the basic human decency of politicians.

“The 4-year-olds will teach politicians how to behave,” explained the show’s creators.

“The children will teach politicians and staffers in the nation’s capital basic principles such as morality, fairness, honesty, equality, justice, tolerance and sharing – the basic values that early childhood educators instil in young children every day, and the kind of behaviours that are often called ‘Australian Values’.”

The multi-part series will take politicians and their staffers through activities designed to remind them that boys and girls should be treated equally, that ‘sharing is caring’ and that if someone was using the toys first, it’s not acceptable to just steal those toys and never give them back. Politicians will also learn that it is normal to share the sand pit and swing set with someone who looks or sounds different to you, and that bullying is never ok.

“Boys are now learning that punching or slapping a girl, pulling her hair or pushing her off the monkey bars is not a form of flirting or affection, that it’s actually a form of bullying. In light of this, children will teach the nation’s leaders that if they’re being bullied, they should tell an adult, because the adult will try to help you and not just ignore you.”

Politicians from all parties have been invited to attend, and they will be taught that errant bodily fluids can make everyone sick and are just ‘yukky’.

“We are happy to include the nation’s leaders in our toilet training sessions, and to remind them of the true purpose of bathrooms.”

Children will instruct politicians and their staffers that telling the truth is always important, even when that is difficult, and that it can be harmful to spread nasty rumours about someone behind their back.

“We are also confident that the series will put an end to participants bringing prostitutes into the corridors of power, because a 4-year-old doesn’t even know what a prostitute is.”

Parliament House for 4 Year Olds will not be shown on the ABC, because the politicians participating in the series are the ones currently dismantling the national broadcaster. Instead, the series will be aired after shows such as MKR, I’m A Celebrity and MAFS, because a direct correlation has been found between viewing scripted reality TV shows and voting amoral politicians back into power.

For fans of reality TV shows, they will also have the chance to ‘vote’ the participants off the show at the next election. Furthermore, producers plan to extend the program to state parliaments, where politicians can learn how to avoid physical relationships with people who have been involved in widespread corruption, and that the number 3 million is not the same as the number 30 million.

Parliament House for 4 Year Olds will air at the beginning of next month, and will be available on catch up services.

Parliament House for 4 Year Olds; because 4-year-olds are perfect role models for politicians”

Image: Katrina Knapp

Dual currency system to operate in Australia.

Australia will become the first nation in the world to force employers to pay female staff in a new currency called Pink Dollars when the system is implemented in the next financial year. Treasurer Josh Frydenberg announced the new scheme outside Parliament House in Canberra, just days after thousands of women protested against institutionalised gender inequality across the country.

“Australian women have spoken and we have listened,” boasted Frydenberg, who was flanked by Prime Minister Scott Morrison, and federal Minister for Women, Marise Payne.

“Pink Dollars will be used to pay female employees in every job, in every sector, throughout our great nation. The notes themselves will be pink on both sides, with the numerical value printed in the corner. Notes will carry images associated with women, like flowers, domestic appliances, pretty clothes, makeup, childcare etc,” he explained.

“Pink Dollars are an entirely new currency, which will operate alongside existing Australian dollars. The primary difference is that Pink Dollars will be permanently pegged at a certain rate to the Aussie dollar – one Pink Dollar will be worth 68 Australian cents.”

This will not alter the value of the Australian dollar, nor the wages of Australian men, according to the treasurer.

“Don’t worry fellas, we’re not touching your wallet. Men should never suffer whenever society changes for the sake of women,” he chuckled.

The treasurer then explained that while Pink Dollars will be used to pay women, they cannot be spent anywhere within Australia or overseas. Instead, women will have to collect their cash payment in person every fortnight before converting Pink Dollars to Australian dollars through government approved exchange bureaus. Only then will they have currency to spend on everyday living expenses.

“As of July 1, 2021, all Australian-registered employers must pay their female employees in Pink Dollars. We are announcing this new system today to give employers sufficient time to adapt their payroll procedures. We have also established a hotline within the Department of Finance to assist employers.”

Frydenberg was asked how the system will classify employees who identify in any way as gender fluid.

“What’s gender fluid?” he replied.

Minister Payne was also asked for her reaction, as the new currency will be paid to all female government employees, including the Minister for Women herself.

“I believe Pink Dollars will…”she began, before the prime minister interjected.

“Marise is very supportive of the introduction of Pink Dollars, as I’m sure all Australian women will be,” he said, before adding:

“Jen and the girls can’t wait to get their hands on some fresh new pink bank notes. They say the money matches the dresses they wear to church,” he smirked.

Frydenberg then reinforced this sentiment.

“Marise sees the economic benefit of this policy, for women and for Australia as a whole, and she cites it as yet further evidence that the Coalition excels at economic management.”

A boastful Frydenberg also expected Pink Dollars to be introduced to other nations.

“Mathias Cormann was instrumental in formulating the details of the scheme in its infancy, and he promises to use his influence to impose the policy on every member nation of the OECD.”

Australian women, meanwhile, have not been given the opportunity to respond to the policy announcement, but have been directed to a page of the government’s website entitled:

“Pink Dollars: Mansplained”

On this page, they will learn that their employers will soon be able to replace portions of their wages with pink flowers.

“Enthusiastic Newstart recipients will be on hand at local train stations to present women with pink flowers after a hard day at work.”

Image: istockphoto.com

Australia makes world top list in Olympic year.

Australia enters an Olympic year as the only developed nation to make a world list of deforestation hotspots, due to land clearing which is decimating a national symbol.

Eastern Australia in particular has been singled out. The states of New South Wales and Queensland recorded the highest rates of land clearing, and experts fear that Victoria and Tasmania may soon catch up. The statistics are far more depressing than those recorded at the Montreal Olympic Games in 1976, where Australia failed to win a single gold medal.

  • Australia kills tens of millions of native animals each year as a consequence of land clearing, and is the worst offending country in the world for mammal extinctions.
  • The country has cleared nearly half of its forest cover in the last 200 years.
  • An area the size of the Melbourne Cricket Ground (MCG) is being destroyed every two minutes.
  • Australia has lost 27% of rainforest, 19% of open forest, 11% of woodland forest and 28% of mallee forest since 1750.
  • 73% of all deforestation and land clearing in Queensland is linked to beef production.
  • Carbon emissions released by land clearing across the country are equivalent to about a third of the total emissions released by all of the coal-fired power stations in the wide brown land. When native forest logging emissions are included, this is equivalent to at least half the carbon pollution of all Australian coal-fired power stations.

In response to the dismal performance at the Montreal Olympics, the Australian government poured millions of dollars into the creation of the Australian Institute of Sport. In response to the deforestation statistics, the Australian government poured millions of dollars into the resources and the agricultural sector.

Koala Killer

So real is the threat to wildlife that the NSW Premier, Gladys Berejiklian, earned the nickname Koala Killer, because the biggest threat to koalas in New South Wales is habitat loss. Under the Berejiklian government, restrictions were axed and land clearing rates dramatically increased, and this made eastern Australia one of the most infamous places on the planet for forest destruction. Some experts fear habitat loss could drive Koalas to extinction. How many countries knowingly wipe out a national symbol?

The sunshine state is not much better. 275,775 ha of likely koala habitat in Queensland was cleared between 2013 and 2018. Of this, 76% of likely koala habitat was cleared on land which is primarily dedicated to beef production.

Even if the Olympic Games do go ahead in 2021 and Australia wins many medals, what will the country’s athletes come home to?

Image: http://www.worldatlas.com

Scott Morrison recruits Matthew Johns.


Prime Minister Scott Morrison has appointed former rugby league player Matthew Johns as the federal Minister for Women due to Johns’ dedication to the rights of women. The appointment ensures that the Liberal National Party will always contain one male member who has been involved in a sex scandal.

Morrison persuaded the popular figure to join the coalition during a ‘Return to Shark Park’ function for former Cronulla players in the Sutherland Shire. Morrison crashed the event in search of another photo opportunity, while Johns was there to catch up with former teammates.

“How good is Matty Johns!,” Morrison gloated while announcing the appointment.

“You know I love my footy, and I love Matty, especially since he played for the Sharkies,” he smirked.

“But no, in all seriousness, I’m very excited to announce Mr Johns as the new Minister for Women because he is a great role model for young Australian men, who has a great empathy for women.

It was during his time with the Sharks that Johns created controversy. He was the most high profile player to be involved in a group sex scandal with a 19-year-old woman during a team trip to New Zealand in 2002. The woman claimed she had been sexually assaulted, but a police investigation found no evidence and none of the players were charged.

“I know all about the Sharks scandal, because I’ve been a Cronulla fan ever since I connived my way into pre-selection for my seat in The Shire. I love how the boys in that team all bonded during that incident, and I especially love how they all managed to escape without any punishment. We could do with some of that know-how in the Coalition.”

“Remember, too, that after these allegations were revealed in the media, Matty’s fans set up the Support Matthew Johns Facebook page which had more than 100,000 members, including many women. We might get him to set one up for Christian Porter.”

The former player and current media personality will begin his new role immediately, and he is looking forward to the challenge.

“I love women,” he stated via his parole officer.

“I really love them, especially young ones, so when Scotty asked me to be his Minister for Women, I said yes straight away. Plus, Scotty said I can do all the work over a beer at Shark Park. How good!”

Johns will work alongside a special group formed in response to recent allegations of sexual assault and bullying of women in parliament house. The group contains politicians such as Christian Porter, Barnaby Joyce, Peter Dutton, Alan Tudge and George Christensen, and will report directly to Morrison – except when the prime minister needs to claim plausible deniability.

Image: http://www.gettyimages.com.au

Scott Morrison recruits Jordan De Goey.

Prime Minster Scott Morrison has appointed AFL player Jordan De Goey as the new Minister for Women due to De Goey’s empathy for women. The appointment ensures that at all times the Liberal National Party will contain one male member who is under investigation for sexual assault.

De Goey is still under investigation for the alleged sexual assault of a woman in 2015. The court case was set to take place in 2020, but was delayed due to COVID-19. Despite the charges, he was allowed to keep playing for the Collingwood Magpies throughout the 2020 season.

“How good is Jordan De Goey!,” gloated Morrison during the announcement.

“I’ve never been much of a fan of AFL, but I will be if it helps me win votes. I do know that Mr De Goey is a fine young man with a great understanding of women, and is a great role model for all Australian men.”

Morrison said he made contact with the talented player via former Collingwood president Eddie McGuire.

“I’d forgotten that King Kong joke Eddie made, and I asked him to tell it to me again. Mate – classic. While we were chatting, he recommended Jordan and I didn’t hesitate to offer him the job.”

“Apart from being charged with sexual assault, Jordan also lied about hurting his hand while at a nightclub. He said he hurt it playing with his dog, then, even better, he made his coach go and tell the media that lie as well. There’s nothing wrong with making someone else cop the flack for a mistake you made…”

The sexual assault allegation was investigated by the AFL Integrity Unit and Victoria Police in 2018, and no charges were laid.

“Jordan didn’t even have to stand down from playing, and a lot of my cabinet, especially Christian Porter, want to know how he managed that.”

De Goey will begin the role immediately, and will lead a special group comprising coalition members such as Christian Porter, Barnaby Joyce, Alan Tudge and Peter Dutton. The group will report directly to the prime minister, except when he needs to be able to claim plausible deniability.

Image: AAP Images