Scott Morrison recruits Tristan Sailor.


Prime Minister Scott Morrison has appointed rugby league player Tristan Sailor as the federal Minister for Women due to Sailor’s dedication to the rights of women. The appointment ensures that the Liberal National Party will always contain one male member who is under investigation for sexual assault.

Morrison persuaded Sailor to join the coalition over a beer in Bondi.

“How good is Tristan Sailor,” Morrison gloated while announcing the appointment.

“You know I love my footy, and I love Tristan, even though he never played for the Sharkies,” he smirked.

“But no, in all seriousness, I’m very excited to announce Mr Sailor as the new Minister for Women because he is a great role model for young Australian men who has a great empathy for women. For that reason, I met up with him for a beer at the Beach Road Hotel pub in Bondi. When we were in the Uber back to the Shire, I invited him to Canberra.”

Sailor will begin his new role immediately and his first task will be to recount his experiences at the pub in Bondi, 2020.

“Tristan will tell us all about the night which started at the Beach Road Hotel with friends, then continued back in the Shire. He will tell us how he had sex with a friend of his who then texted him the next morning to ask what had happened, because she was unsure. The murky details and the question of whether the woman was in a position to give consent are very similar to incidents which occur here in Canberra, so we’re very keen to have Tristan on board.”

“During the Uber ride, I told him how I also travelled from the Eastern Suburbs to the Shire and deceived people to get what I wanted – and now look at me!”

Sailor was equally excited about the new role.

“I love women,” he stated.

“I really love them, so when Scotty asked me to be his Minister for Women, I said yes straight away. Plus, I don’t do much these days since I can’t play NRL – so at least it’s one way to pass the time.”

Sailor will work alongside a special group formed in response to recent allegations of sexual assault and bullying of women in parliament house. The group contains politicians such as Christian Porter, Barnaby Joyce, Peter Dutton, Alan Tudge and George Christensen, and will report directly to Morrison – except when the prime minister needs to claim plausible deniability.

Image: http://www.canberratimes.com.au

Scott Morrison recruits Jack de Belin.


Prime Minister Scott Morrison has appointed rugby league player Jack de Belin as the federal Minister for Women due to de Belin’s dedication to the rights of women. The appointment ensures that the Liberal National Party will always contain one male member who is under investigation for sexual assault.

Morrison persuaded de Belin to join the coalition while they were both posing for photos at the beach.

“How good is Jack de Belin,” Morrison gloated while announcing the appointment.

“You know I love my footy, and I love Jack, even though he never played for the Sharkies,” he smirked.

“But no, in all seriousness, I’m very excited to announce Mr de Belin as the new Minister for Women because he is a great role model for young Australian men, who has a strong empathy for women. For that reason, I approached him while we were posing at the beach and asked him to join us in Canberra.”

“Even more importantly, Jack has a baby daughter, so every time one of our staff is accused of rape, Jack can think of his daughter, just like I do.”

De Belin will begin his new role immediately and his first task will be to recount his trip to a Wollongong nightclub in 2018.

“We’re look forward to hearing Jack explain how he left his heavily pregnant partner at home with his unborn child on the night of question, then took a 19-year-old girl back to an apartment with his male friend, even after that young women reminded him that he had a girlfriend.”

“We’re also seeking advice from Jack’s legal team on how to make a rape trial drag on for so long without reaching a verdict – so long that people start to forget that it ever happened.”

The St George-Illawarra and NSW Origin player was equally excited about the new role.

“I love women,” he stated.

“I really love them – especially young women, I love them all, so when Scotty asked me to be his Minister for Women, I said yes straight away. Plus, all I do is train these days since I can’t actually play NRL – so at least it’s one way to pass the time.”

De Belin will work alongside a special group formed in response to recent allegations of sexual assault and bullying of women in parliament house. The group contains politicians such as Christian Porter, Barnaby Joyce, Peter Dutton, Alan Tudge and George Christensen, and will report directly to Morrison – except when the prime minister needs to claim plausible deniability.

Image: http://www.gettyimages.com.au

Scott Morrison recruits Jarryd Hayne.

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has appointed former rugby league player Jarryd Hayne as the federal Minister for Women due to Hayne’s dedication to gender equality. The appointment ensures that the Liberal National Party will always contain one male member who is under investigation for sexual assault.

Morrison persuaded Hayne to join the coalition during a prayer service at Hillsong Church.

“How good is Jarryd Hayne,” Morrison gloated while announcing the appointment.

“You know I love my footy, and I love Jarryd, even though he never played for the Sharkies,” he smirked.

“But no, in all seriousness, I’m very excited to announce Mr Hayne as the new Minister for Women because he is a great role model for young Australian men, who has a great empathy for women. For that reason, I approached him during intermission at one of Hillsong’s rock concerts and asked him to join us in Canberra.”

“What’s more, Jarryd just got married. First of all, congratulations. Secondly, he is now able to empathise with women because he has a wife. I ask Jenny for advice, and Jarryd can ask Amellia for advice.”

Hayne will begin his new role immediately and his first task will be to recount his experiences in the United States.

“We know Jarryd spent time trialling for the NFL,” explained Morrison. “What you might have forgotten is that he was also accused of sexual assault in the US and the matter was settled out of court. Therefore, he will brief the LNP on how to settle a sexual assault case out of court, and how to make everyone forget the alleged incident ever happened.”

Hayne was equally excited about the new role.

“I love women,” he stated.

“I really love them – Aussie women, American women, I love them all, so when Scotty asked me to be his Minister for Women, I said yes straight away. Plus, I don’t do much these days since I can’t play NRL – so at least it’s one way to pass the time.”

Hayne will work alongside a special group formed in response to recent allegations of sexual assault and bullying of women in parliament house. The group contains politicians such as Christian Porter, Barnaby Joyce, Peter Dutton, Alan Tudge and George Christensen, and will report directly to Morrison – except when the prime minister needs to claim plausible deniability.

Image: http://www.abc.net.au

The hidden danger of Mr Potato Head’s gender neutrality.

Mr Potato Head will now be known as Potato Head. The popular toy is no longer male according to Hasbro and the decision set social media alight as people reacted to the gender labelling of a plastic toy. People wanted to know why the decision was made, why it was made now, and the wider social implications of the decision.

At any time, did Hasbro consider the hidden danger of declaring Potato Head gender neutral; the danger that the decision trivialises the issue of gender neutrality in humans?

Potato Head is not a person. Potato Head is a plastic toy. It has no emotions, no intelligence, no feelings and no personality. It is not a sentient being. A toy cannot decide its own gender and a toy has never suffered the personal or public trauma of grappling with gender identity. A toy will never be teased. A toy has never been cast out or shunned by its peers, colleagues, friends or family.

A toy does not have to live in a body it despises due to societal, familial, cultural or religious pressure. A toy does not have to decide whether to identify as gender neutral, or to go further and undergo a physical transition from its gender of birth.

A toy is just pieces of moulded plastic.

The danger of declaring a plastic toy gender neutral is that people who label themselves gender neutral can now be compared to a plastic toy.

“So you’re gender neutral, just like Mr Potato Head,” others will say.

Furthermore, the toy will still exist as Mr Potato Head – just the branding on the box will change. What’s the point?

This further trivialises the issue of gender neutrality -as if Hasbro is saying,

“We will make a stand on a social issue, but not if it means we sell fewer toys…”

If toys become gender neutral, can other inanimate objects be declared gender neutral?

Let’s not beat around the bush, Hasbro made this decision with a purely commercial motivation and accompanied it with all the right corporate euphemisms. Hasbro claims the change aims to ‘promote gender equality and inclusion’, but clearly the move also posited Hasbro as a socially responsible company which is set to gain considerable PR benefit.

Potato Head is also an ageing ‘brand’. The Toy Story franchise is now old, and children have moved on to other toys and other cartoons. Declaring the toy gender neutral earns the company international publicity which is likely to increase sales.

Is this why Mrs Potato Head is still female?

Will Hasbro wait for her husband’s publicity to die down before declaring her neutrality?

Perhaps gender neutrality also allows Hasbro to sell more individual pieces, belonging to both genders, to stick onto the base shape of the Potato. This mix and match technique made Potato Head, and Mrs Potato Head, somewhat unique as a toy, but also created a marketing opportunity:

“Now that Potato Head is gender neutral,” Hasbro can say “you can add even more pieces to its ‘body’ – and you can buy them all right here…”

Is it only a matter of time before Woody, Buzz and the remaining Toy Story characters are declared gender neutral, and when this happens, how much damage will have been done to actual human beings who identify as gender neutral?

Image: http://www.theguardian.com

Peter Dutton declares themself gender neutral in time for Mardi Gras.

Peter Dutton has shocked voters and conservative colleagues with the news that they is gender neutral. Australia’s Minister for Home Affairs declared that their alter ego, Potato Head, has come out as gender neutral in the midst of the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras.

Mr Dutton will now be known as Dutton, or Potato Head, and has asked the media and party speechwriters to refer to them in gender neutral terms.

“I am declaring myself gender neutral,” announced Dutton at a press conference.

“Every year I feel like less of a man, especially after entering politics and overseeing the policies of Home Affairs. For that reason, myself and my alter ego, Potato Head, will now be known as gender neutral.”

“I have deliberated over this decision for a long time, but with Mardi Gras around the corner, and various political scandals involving my name, I decided it was a good idea to circulate this story in the media.”

It is not yet known whether Kirilly Dutton will retain her title of Mrs Potato Head, or also come out as gender neutral.

The Prime Minister, Scott Morrison, has also shocked Australians with his public support for Potato Head. He was expected to denounce the move on religious grounds, but said he consulted his wife Jenny before embracing the change.

“Now that Peter is no longer a man, they is better able to empathise with women, especially the four who have accused one of our party members of sexual assault just 50 metres from my office.”

Mardi Gras organisers rushed to congratulate Dutton and to invite participants to create a new ‘Potato Head’ float for the famous parade.

“We are overjoyed at the news that one of our most senior politicians has found the confidence and courage to declare themselves gender neutral. Being true to oneself and being proud of one’s identity are central to the founding philosophy of Mardi Gras, and we welcome Peter into our family. It would be wonderful to see Peter dancing on top of a float, beside a life-size model of the newly-outed Potato Head”

Mardi Gras organisers have extended an invitation to the minister to attend part of the weeks-long festival, including the street parade on the evening of Saturday, March 6.

“Obviously Dutton is a very busy person, but hopefully they can find time to party among friends. Maybe they could fly to Sydney for a day or two – we know they can affords the flights.”

Many Australians wondered how gender neutrality could be claimed at all by a creature that is not human, while cynics have pointed out that the decision was simply an attempt to revive interest in an increasingly unpopular, irrelevant and outdated character.

Dutton rejected those claims.

“That is an outrageous and offensive slander,” they replied.

“Myself and my party have a proven record of progressive social policies, especially in regards to gender and sexuality. One only needs to examine our response to the same-sex marriage debate and the treatment of women in parliament and society in general, to see that the LNP is and always has been a proud supporter of gender equality and inclusion.”

They then added,

“The LNP does not do cheap publicity stunts.”

Image: http://www.smh.com.au

IOC to pay every single worker at 2032 Olympic Games.

Queensland is anticipating a massive jobs boom after the International Olympic Committee announced it will replace volunteer positions with paid positions at the 2032 Olympic and Paralympic Games, which are expected to be held in Brisbane.

“The Olympic Games cannot take place without a volunteer workforce,” announced the IOC.

“For many years this global sporting festival has taken advantage of the kind-hearted, patriotic and dedicated people of host cities to conduct the events, and to make the IOC one of the wealthiest organisations in the world. In 2032, this will change. Our organisation will draw upon its considerable wealth to pay every single person who works at the Olympic Games and the Paralympic Games.”

The shock decision means the IOC will no longer reward volunteers with only a garish uniform, free public transport, free tickets to unpopular events and a certificate signed by a random politician.

The Queensland government, meanwhile, is already boasting of record high employment levels.

“We haven’t officially been awarded the games yet,” announced Premier Annastacia Palaszczuk, “but no other city seems interested in spending billions of dollars during a global pandemic, so we’re assuming we’ve won the rights to host. The IOC offer means jobs and growth for Brisbane and Queensland, and we welcome the games with open arms into our wonderful state and city.”

The monumental decision means that wages will be awarded to people carrying out tasks such as handing out uniforms and accreditation, directing crowds at train stations, manning information booths and collecting athletes sweaty uniforms, including those who work the entire games without seeing a single athlete or sporting contest.

Queenslanders who volunteered at events such as the Gold Coast Commonwealth Games in 2018, and even the Sydney Olympic Games in 2000, rushed to social media in response to the announcement. They also flooded government websites with questions about pay, conditions and the application process. The most common question, however, was,

“Do we still get to keep the uniforms?”

Don’t ban the mullet.

A private secondary school in Sydney recently banned the mullet haircut. The controversial move provoked news articles and comments throughout Australia, most of which failed to address the effect on one group in particular – teachers. Waverley College became the latest private school to ban its students from sporting the iconic hairstyle because it was deemed inappropriate, and this move will simply create more stress for teachers.

What’s a mullet?

The mullet is ‘long at the back and short at the sides’ and is also described as ‘business at the front, party out the back’. It is a distinct hairstyle that was hugely popular in the 1980s and is trending once more. Boys at the exclusive school in Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs, as well as other private schools throughout the country, are following the fashion of the day as well as emulating their footballing heroes who have sparked a resurgence in the hairstyle.

How will teachers suffer?

Rules have to be enforced, and teachers have to enforce them.

How are rules enforced?

Teachers usually give students a verbal warning. Many teenagers ignore these. Teachers then give a written warning. Students often ignore these. Already, a situation of conflict has been established between the student and the teacher.

Teachers then contact the parents, to ask for their assistance in enforcing the school rues. In the past, most parents supported schools and teachers in the management of a child’s behaviour and school work, but not these days. Many parents not only fail to support teachers but always side with their children, some even go as far as verbally, socially or physically attacking teachers.

Remember, parents know their sons have mullets. Parents also know the school rules, but sent their sons to school with a haircut that the school deems inappropriate. Parents also sign up to the rules of the school when they enrol their children, and are fully aware that strict adherence to grooming and uniform standards is a tradition these schools inherited from the British public school system.

Teachers are not likely to find much support from parents. If parents fail to support the school, the onus for removing the mullet thus falls entirely upon the teacher.

It’s not a mullet

When is a mullet not a mullet?

When the student tries to argue their way out of a haircut. Students are likely to argue that their hairstyle is actually called something else and on that technicality, they cannot be forced to cut their hair. They will find proof on instagram, from a barber or another source to prove their particular hairstyle is not a mullet, and thus they cannot be forced to cut it off. Private schools are breeding grounds for lawyers and politicians.

Teachers will have to listen to this argument, before preparing lessons, before marking exams and assessments, before writing exams, before attending meetings, before writing reports, before counselling students, before protecting students from cyberbullying, before teaching students road safety, before keeping students off drugs and alcohol, before doing playground duty, before coaching a sports team…

Furthermore, the school will be forced to write a definition of a mullet. Teachers will be forced to draft legal-style documents outlining precisely what constitutes a mullet and how it differs from other hairstyles. This all takes time.

All of this while solving the literacy crisis in Australia.

All of this while solving the numeracy crisis in Australia.

Come back when you’ve cut your hair

Another disciplinary technique is to suspend the student until the hair is returned to an acceptable style. Many teenagers would see this as a reward rather than a punishment. Parents won’t be happy, because they’ll have to supervise the child at home, and because they’re not getting what they paid for. Teachers also suffer. Teachers will still have to modify and send work home to that student, as well as providing feedback and ensuring the student does not suffer academically. Thus, even though the student knowingly breaks the rules, and the parents knew their child was breaking the rules, the teacher is still expected to ensure the student learns as much as they would have if they had not been suspended.

Human rights abuse

Students will argue that it is a violation of their human rights. This is not a joke. Modern-day school students invoke their human rights in response to the most minor incidents at schools, and it is not fanciful to predict that a boy at Waverley College will argue that cutting off his mullet is a violation of his human rights.

In the past, teachers could have told the boy he was being ridiculous, and to stop complaining and accept the consequences of his actions. But not anymore. Accusations of human rights violations, even regarding a haircut, must be taken seriously. This means more time, more meetings, more paperwork and more scrutiny for teachers. Meanwhile, the boy retains his mullet.

Teachers will be forced to refer to the definition of a mullett, which they drafted, in order to protect themselves from the very real consequences of being accused of violating a child’s human rights.

Many would argue that fashion is the biggest loser every time someone sports a mullett, but when that mullett is worn by a school student, teachers are the biggest losers.

If you’ve read this far, you might hink this is ridiculous, that this is exaggerated, that this would never happen. It does. This is what teachers are forced to tolerate on a daily basis in Australian schools. Creating another rule in response to a fashion trend is simply dumping more work on overworked and underpaid teachers.

Throughout this entire process, the private school is protecting its image, the parents are protecting their children, and the students are protecting their hairstyle. Who is protecting the teachers?

Image:www.nypost.com

Bins Out Sins Out

Forgive me mother, for I have sinned,

Sinned against mother earth.

How long has it been since your last transgression?

One week.

How have you sinned?

With plastic, soft and hard.

With off-cuts, meat and lard.

Why?

I covet my neighbour’s life.

and I take the lord’s game in vain.

I try to keep one day a day without waste,

but fail and fail in a life lived in haste.

I was led to believe the price was a steal,

a price so low it couldn’t be real.

I worshipped money above all others and

I made myself idle

too idle, and bowed down – and stayed down.

I must now put my bins out,

I must now put my sins out.

Image: Shane Rounce

Scott Morrison forces single Aussie men into mass weddings.

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has ordered every single Australian adult male to marry in mass wedding ceremonies in order to improve attitudes towards women in Australia.

The shock decision follows Morrison’s confession that he gained greater empathy for an alleged rape victim within his own party after speaking with his wife Jenny.

“Only a man with a wife can understand women,” the Prime Minister stated.

“Only a man with daughters can understand women. For that reason, every single Australian man aged 18 and over will be forced to marry a woman and produce at least one daughter.”

The mass weddings will take place at Hillsong mega churches throughout the country and will resemble the famous Holy Marriage Blessing Ceremonies of the Unification Church in South Korea, in which hundreds of couples marry under the direction of the Reverend Moon and his wife.

“Mass weddings will remove Australian men from the lineage of misogynistic patriarchy and into empathetic and open-minded lineage. As a result, the husband, and even any sons produced by that marriage, will exist free from the consequences of misogyny,” Morrison explained.

“This is what happened to me. I had no idea how to react to news that a young female staff member within my party had allegedly been raped, which is why I did nothing about it for such a long time. Then I spoke to Jenny and she reminded me that I had daughters, and that I should think about them when I discussed the incident with my staff.”

“Before Jenny spoke to me, I thought daughters were just for photo opportunities.”

The first mass ceremony will be held at Morrison’s own church, Horizon Church in the Sutherland Shire of Sydney, and will involve straight men, gay men and trans men. The Christian ceremony will also be compulsory for men of other faiths and those who identify as atheist or agnostic. Only men serving prison sentences will be exempt from the mass weddings. Like Reverend Moon, Morrison will personally match all of the couples.

Morrison was asked if single women have a choice in whether to marry.

“No”

After the mass weddings, couples will be forced to try for children, and to use any conceivable method to produce daughters. Staff from the Prime Minster’s Office will conduct random and regular checks on all couples.

“The second son of any family which does not have daughters will be forced to undergo gender conversion therapy,” stated Morrison.

Morrison was optimistic that the program would create a nation of men with more empathy for women.

“It’s funny you know, I paid an empathy coach $190,000 but I still didn’t develop any empathy for women in this country.”

Image: Drew Coffman

Australian Museum of Democracy to open in Canberra.

A museum commemorating the existence of democracy in Australia will soon be opened in Canberra. The Australian Museum of Democracy will serve as a historical reminder of the days when democracy was a central pillar of the nation’s government.

The Prime Minister of Australia, Scott Morrison, opened the museum recently and spoke glowingly of democracy as a prominent feature of Australia’s past.

“Democracy belongs in a museum,” he gloated.

“I am enormously proud to announce the establishment of the Australian Museum of Democracy in the nation’s capital, and I am equally proud to have overseen the destruction of that democracy.”

“The museum reminds all Australians of a time when governments acted democratically and largely in the interests of their constituents, and I encourage all Australians to make the journey to Canberra and look back with fondness at such an idyllic period in our history.”

“The delightful museum is located in Old Parliament House, which hasn’t been used for governing since 1988, and this is appropriate because there’s not much democracy in the new parliament house,” Morrison smirked.

The museum displays numerous artefacts from the nation’s democratic history since Federation in 1901. One section is dedicated to the Free press and recalls a time when media outlets were owned by numerous people and offered a variety of opinions on current affairs and politics. It also recounts the days when the federal and state governments were not controlled by the man who now owns almost all of Australia’s media, Rupert Murdoch.

Visitors can read, view and listen to news stories which reported the news, rather than simply reproducing government press releases or repeating the latest slogan from the government. Visitors can also learn about something called ‘investigative journalism’ and how this held society’s leaders to account.

Many younger Australians will be amazed to learn that mainstream news content was once more than just government press releases, celebrity gossip, reality TV show recaps and stories about football WAGS.

Genuine choice in parties

The museum also contains archival and historical relics detailing the days in which Australians enjoyed a genuine choice between political parties. The Liberal, National and Labor parties all stood for distinct principles, and while they came together during times of hardship such as war, they provided Australian voters with a genuine choice according to the voter’s world view.

Australians passing through the museum can also witness politicians making policies, not slogans, and parliamentary debates obsessed with producing laws, not sound bites. They can also read transcripts of opposition members challenging policy proposals of the government, instead of weakly acquiescing.

The remainder of the museum exhibits evidence of a time when the Australian government did not attempt to merge religion and politics or glorify war, and a time when the government respected the right of citizens to protest. Australians can reminisce on a time when border security was not a national obsession, and when particular racial or religious groups were not blamed for the nation’s every problem.

Australians can also look back on a time when politicians did not use exclusive nationalism to win votes and divide the nation, and when corporations were expected to pay tax and behave responsibly. Finally, Aussie citizens can look back at a time when the government was not attempting to spy on its own citizens, unless they were red and hiding under the bed.

Image: Aditya Joshi

P.S. The Museum of Australian Democracy exists. It is real. This article is satire, written to draw attention to the erosion of democracy in Australia by the current government. The actual Museum of Australian Democracy is in Old Parliament House, Canberra, and it houses a real collection of real archives depicting real events in Australia’s political history. Apparently it’s quite interesting and informative.