Prime Minister Scott Morrison has dropped the word ‘Advance’ from the Australian national anthem and has instructed the IOC to play the new anthem if Australians win gold at the Tokyo Olympic Games. The national hymn will now be known as ‘Australia Fair’ after Morrison made the shock announcement from Parliament House.
“Australia is not advancing,” he stated.
“If anything, the country is going backwards, so keeping the word ‘advance’ in the title and in the anthem is misleading.”
“If Australia was advancing, we would embrace renewable energy and phase out fossil fuels. If Australia was advancing, we would respect Indigenous Australians and the world’s oldest surviving culture. If Australia was advancing, women would be paid equally and treated fairly. If Australia was advancing, koalas would not face extinction. If Australia was advancing, our national broadband network would work. If Australia was advancing, women would not be getting harassed in parliament house. If Australia was advancing, public education would be adequately funded and literacy and numeracy levels would improve. If Australia was advancing, Rupert Murdoch would not have so much control of our media. If Australia was advancing, Clive Palmer would not be able to influence the outcome of a federal election. If Australia was advancing, most federal coalition politicians would have been sacked for their corruption or immorality. If Australia was advancing, we would not lock up asylum seekers indefinitely. If Australia was advancing, Pauline Hanson would still be selling fish and chips. If Australia was advancing, the populace wouldn’t be easily swayed by slogans and nicknames. If Australia was advancing, we would not be destroying The Great Barrier Reef.
“If Australia was advancing, I wouldn’t be prime minister, so it was imperative that we drop that word from the anthem before I announce the next election.”
Morrison first changed the anthem in December 2020. He changed the second line from “for we are young and free” to “we are one and free”. The change was the only work he did all year, and earned him a Christmas holiday. Following this most recent change, he is expected to take another holiday with Jen and the girls.
Official instructions have already been sent to schools, government departments and every athlete so far chosen to represent Australia in Tokyo, informing them of the changes.
Meanwhile, Australians and the media were left shocked at the sudden announcement. Many are angry that they were not consulted and are dismayed that the national hymn can be changed permanently with such ease, and some wanted to know if the word advance can ever be returned to the song.
“Only if my party gets voted out,” answered Morrison.
One perplexed citizen commented on social media that Australia Fair is the name of a giant shopping mall in Southport on the Gold Coast, Queensland. He questioned whether a national anthem should take the name of a large, soulless, characterless, generic shrine to capitalism full of stupefied citizens, to which Morrison replied,
“Of course. That’s the country I’m creating”