Little Bay will become the capital of Australia’s big things after a benevolent developer chose the ailing suburb to spearhead the rejuvenation of the Eastern Suburbs.
Big things dominate Australia’s landscape and pay kitsch homage to the unique traits of a region. Nothing exemplifies the Eastern Suburbs like a giant piece of ostentatious real estate.
Little Bay’s big thing will comprise almost 2000 new apartments once planning authorities finally succumb to the humanitarian developer’s mission to save a derelict suburb known for its housing commission, neglected beach, four golf courses and a prison.
Enormous fibreglass edifices will soon take shape throughout the East.
Maroubra wins the Big Bra, while litres and litres of silicon will form the Big Breasts over Tamarama beach, which is famous for normalising topless sunbaking.
Malabar will receive a Big Compass in honour of its namesake, while Coogee residents can meet up at the Big Bouquet, designed to complement Wedding Cake Island and to send local boyfriends running headlong into the shore break.
Clovelly locals get a Big Snorkel which doubles as a waterslide from the roof of the surf club into the bay, and will attract even more blow-ins to Sydney’s worst kept secret.
Moore Park will carry the Big Balls. One will sit between the SFS and SCG and will be sure to please the stadia’s combatants, while the Big Ball outside the golf course will be cut in half. Residents and members can gaze forlornly upon the castration while remembering that the little suburb is big enough for four courses.
Neighbouring Centennial Park adjoins multiple suburbs, so a plebiscite will determine the construction of either the Big Manure or the Big MAMIL (Middle-Aged Man in Lycra). Locals in Randwick and Kensington, meanwhile, must ready themselves for an influx of utes and iced coffee. Prince of Wales Hospital will sit beneath the Big Heart and UNSW will display the Big Brain as it produces the country’s best doctors and writers. The Big Brain will be the second feature at the centre of learning which is visible from space. Down the hill at Randwick Racecourse punters can snap selfies with the Big Jockey, standing at a preposterous 5ft 1 inch.
Tenants of Little Bay’s big thing will enjoy panoramic views of all of these gigantic tourist attractions. They can also kick back with a sundowner and watch the guests of Long Bay Correctional Centre. Most importantly, the chosen few can look down upon the humble houses of the suburb’s long-standing residents and bask in the knowledge that the largest and most prized monument unites them with the altruistic developer and the residents of Bondi, and is called the Big Ego.
First published in The Beast magazine, January 2025.
Image: Aditya Joshi
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