The Eastern Suburbs Olympics.

The region’s best athletes will fight for suburban superiority in the inaugural Eastern Suburbs Olympics during July and August. Super-talented locals will represent their suburbs in the IOC-sanctioned event and will compete for gold, silver and bronze across the following specifically-designed sports:

  1. Coffee Cup Relay

Teams of four must pass a large, full, disposable, branded coffee cup along the coastal walk from Bondi to Coogee while swerving between weekend traffic and selfie addicts.

  • Shore dump Gymnastics

Gymnasts must perform the most creative and acrobatic tricks in the Coogee shore dump, without breaking their neck.

  • Bodysurfing

Whompers must bodysurf between the flags at Bondi Beach and make it all the way to the sand without smashing headlong into a swimmer.

  • Beach Volleyball Boxing

Tamarama and Bondi Beaches will host this exciting hybrid sport. Spiking your opponent in the head equals one point. Knocking them out earns 2 points, and spiking a nearby child in the head equals 6 and out.

  • Rabbit Hunting

Hunt the feral rabbits at north Clovelly headland, and earn a point for every skin. Avoid killing any of the rabbits who are completing their recovery session at Clovelly Beach.

  • Synchronised Swimming

Team and individual synchronised swimming events will be held at Bronte Baths. Every Eastern Suburbs resident is required to attend at least one session, because it’s not an Olympics without watching hour after hour of Aussie swimmers in sequins.

  • Fencing

Athletes must use a Sabre, Foil or Epee to fight off fearless seagulls while attempting to eat a full meal of Fish and Chips without losing a single chip to the ubiquitous birds.

  • Dog fights

Mackenzies Bay will host fights to the death between off-leash pooches, while local parks, beaches and playgrounds will host fatal fights between dogs and innocent children.

  • Sandcastles

Competitors will have just one day to secure a DA, receive a Homebuilder grant and construct an elaborate sandcastle to be built by the region’s best architects and tradies. The top eight sandcastles will be judged by nosy neighbours and S. Cam, if the IOC can afford his appearance fee.

10.

A gruelling challenge. Run the City to Surf in under 60 minutes while dragging at least one primary school child, plus dog, new-born, pram, school bags, instrument, scooters, helmets, projects…

Athletes can compete in just one event, or contest all ten disciplines for the right to be crowned the greatest athlete in the East. To honour the ancient Olympics, and the spectators, every event will be contested nude. As a result, competitors wearing sluggos or boardies will be disqualified, and women in Brazilian bikinis risk appearing on the front cover of The Beast.

First published in The Beast magazine, August 2021.

Image: http://www.frugalfrolicker.com

Scott Morrison’s interstate passport idea criticised.

Residents of Bondi claim Scott Morrison’s interstate passport idea is an act of plagiarism. Locals from the popular beachside suburb believe the vaccination passport is a direct copy of the BPass, or Bondi Passport, which was floated as far back as 2015. The BPass would have controlled entry into the beachside suburb, just as the prime minister is attempting to control movement between states in reaction to COVID-19.

Morrison revealed the possibility of a vaccination passport for Australians wishing to travel across state borders in the near future, under a plan to open up the country’s economy while protecting the health of citizens. Bondi locals, meanwhile, are furious that Morrison failed to consult with them, or acknowledge their original idea, before announcing the proposal via one of his preferred media outlets.

“Scotty stole the idea from us,” declared a spokesperson for the suburb.

“The BPass was mentioned in an article in The Beast magazine in December 2015. Details of the Bondi Passport were even outlined in the article. It would have been an invisible tattoo given only to genuine residents of Bondi, and it would only have been identifiable through a Bondi Scanner (BS). It was a fool-proof system that would have protected the people and suburb of Bondi from unwanted elements whose presence would have damaged our patch of paradise.”

Morrison’s alleged plagiarism does not surprise those who live by the most famous beach in the country.

“Scotty does not have original ideas. He himself is nothing but a Liberal Party rebranding exercise, so this stance is expected. What’s more, the BPass is a great idea that should already have been implemented, and Scotty would have known about it in 2015, because he grew up just minutes from Bondi – even though he pretends to follow the Cronulla Sharks.

“Ironically, though, Scotty would never qualify for a BPass, I mean, look at him.”

Image: Craig Greenhill

Bondi Needs a Private Beach Club.

The famous sands of Bondi Beach could soon enjoy an injection of culture if the Amalfi Beach Club is approved. The private club would cordon off 2% of the beach and deliver desperately needed joie de vivre to the beach and the region.

La Gente Bonita

La Gente Bonita are ‘Beautiful People’. They are attractive, effortlessly sophisticated, wealthy and popular, and need a private club in order to socially distance themselves from the great unwashed. They carry an exclusive strain of the COVID-19 virus, which can improve one’s career prospects if transmitted from one high net worth individual to another. Beautiful People pine for the gender stereotypes of the 1950s, as the Amalfi males are doctors, surgeons, business owners and entrepreneurs, while the women can aspire to success only in fashion, advertising, beauty and modelling.

High Disposable Income

Beautiful People with high disposable income will fill the sun loungers and cabanas because they hold a BPass, or Bondi Passport. Lower middle-class Sydneysiders are also known to enjoy spending their disposable income, but they do not qualify for a BPass.

O’Brien Estate

The exclusive club would be established on a patch of sand called O’Brien Estate, named in honour of Francis O’Brien. He previously owned the land surrounding Bondi Beach and attempted to block public access in the 1880’s after the beach became too popular.

It’s Black and White

While the masses will jostle for clean waves between the red and yellow flags, Beautiful People can swim in serenity between the black and white flags which mark the boundaries of O’Brien’s Estate.

Backpacker’s Rip

Backpacker’s Rip will be re-engineered to constantly tow the great unwashed away from the Amalfi Club, and backpackers will have to drown at another part of the beach if they want a cameo on Bondi Rescue.

Lifeguard recruitment

Waverley Council will form a special unit of lifeguards plucked from the pages of social media, and the aesthetically gifted lifeguards will patrol the sands and the surf around the private club. Only bronzed, buffed, bedazzling beings need apply.

Unfounded criticism

Locals and Sydneysiders argue that it is UnAustralian to pay to enjoy the beach. They claim it is an attack on Australian values to pay for what has always been an egalitarian space, while others are denied this right. They argue that this would be akin to having to pay exorbitant fees to ensure a strong education for your child, or having to pay a fortune to secure reliable home internet access.

Proponents of the private club refute these claims.

“Gazing longingly at 100 beautiful people sipping on cocktails while marauding teenagers kick sand in your face is sure to lift community morale.”

Image: http://www.timeout.com

First published in The Beast magazine, December 2020