The Aussie Dunny Returns to Dover Heights.

An Aussie Dunny will be installed in every backyard from Dover Heights to Watsons Bay in order to save a popular local park.

The hasty renovations to luxurious homes are designed to prevent the construction of a nuclear missile silo on Eastern Reserve.

“A pumping station will destroy our beautiful reserve,” stated a community spokesperson.

“We will thus retro-fit every residence in Dover Heights, Watsons Bay, Rose Bay and Vaucluse with an Aussie Dunny, and future-fit these with sustainable composting toilets to ensure that waste is treated at the source, rendering the pumping station unnecessary.”

Sydney Water plans to install the pumping station at the clifftop reserve to ensure sewage is treated at the Bondi wastewater treatment plant, and no longer dumped into the ocean. News of the proposal provoked irate responses, such as this Facebook post:

“Another politically-correct initiative from our woke, virtue-signalling government insistent on cancelling everything, even our waste – just to protect snow-flake foreigners and hipsters from Bronte to Bondi.”

While another chimed in:

“So, there’s a bit of dirty water off Bondi, people are so precious – imagine what real Aussie men like Angry Anderson would say to that!”

Others opposed the harm to visual amenity of the structure and the accompanying wall.

“It might be only 1 metre high, but that still destroys our water views, and makes it impossible to fling our dog poo directly into the ocean”

Further objections concerned the potential for odours from the pumping station. Supporters of the pumping station, meanwhile, reminded its opponents that composting toilets can themselves produce a unique aroma, to which the spokesperson replied:

“We of the Dover to Watsons corridor do not suffer the same affliction as common folk.”

Composting dunnies were decided upon after numerous alternative suggestions from concerned residents.

Some suggested building the wall over the pipe itself, before it was realised that this would see the waste returned to sender. Others proposed building the wall from north Bondi headland to south Bronte headland in order keep the sewage out of the beaches. This would also allow those from the Heights to access the coastal walk without mingling with said foreigners and hipsters.

As for the current bathrooms in the palatial homes:

“We’ve crowdfunded $350,000 to hire S.Cam to renovate our indoor bathrooms. He’s got a week!”

Compost toilets will then be tapped for methane energy to power homes, and the soil produced will be spread on Eastern Reserve to keep it green and lush all year.

“In this spirit, we ask all male members to pee directly onto bindis during the warmer months.”

Residents also demanded further upgrades to Eastern Reserve, including the installation of a flush toilet.


First published in The Beast magazine, March 2023


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