Waverley Council has paired up with Randwick Council to launch the SITTY 2 Surf initiative and guarantee uncrowded waves to the surfers of the Eastern beaches.
SITTY 2 Surf actively promotes a burgeoning trend sweeping Australia’s eastern seaboard. Beautiful young things don their favourite bikini, boardies or wetsuit, and carry their surfboard to the beach, before taking myriad selfies and posting to Snapchat, Instagram, Tik Tok or Youtube (SITTY), without ever dipping a toe in the water. SITTY Surfers merely exploit the image of surfing to attract and impress online followers.
“SITTY2Surf is an exciting initiative through which both councils will keep SITTY Surfers out of the water,” began a joint statement.
“It addresses the scourge of overcrowded waves, which is an unfortunate side-effect of living in paradise, and it works in the following way.”
“Councils have installed fibre-to-the-shore superfast broadband at surf beaches for real time uploads, encouraging SITTY Surfers to pose anywhere on the shoreline, except between the red and yellow flags. In addition, cloud seeding will ensure endless blue-sky days, and the water will be treated with a bright blue dye like the ponds at fancy golf courses, to create the ultimate backdrop.”
“Trucks will start delivering sugar-white sand from Hyams Beach, and giant fans will be installed at surfing beaches to create wind-blown hair. They also offer the added bonus of providing permanent offshore winds.”
Keeping SITTY Surfers on the sand reduces the likelihood of surf rage and has been established to coincide with the reopening of Australia’s borders, which is sure to lure hordes of international surfers back to beaches such as Bondi.
Council also explained that a team of stylists, makeup artists and brand consultants will be on hand at every beach except Clovelly and Coogee to prettify the Bondi beauties and the smooth-chested Cariocas from the land of Samba. As a result, the only people left in the water will be crusty old men on longboards, bodysurfers, and those of us who long ago accepted that we are not Instaworthy.
SITTY Surfers can use the SITTY2Surf App to check who currently has the most followers and wins priority to the best patch of sand. The app will also carry a daily list of trending hashtags, as well as advice on who we must StandWith on any given day.
Via the app, councils will also have the power to remove followers from the accounts of any SITTY Surfer caught entering the water and actually surfing a wave.
“In this way, SITTY 2 Surf will be more effective than a threat from a Bra Boy, and will deter more surfers than a beach full of blue bottles.
First published in The Beast magazine, April 2022.