The End of Charity Fund Raising

The kind-hearted and generous folk of Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs are hereby advised that all charitable fundraising activities must cease forthwith. Consequently, residents are no longer permitted to organise, or donate to, charitable efforts such as the Wardy Claus Christmas present drive for sick kids. Also prohibited are the annual Mullet Pro at Tamarama Beach raising awareness of mental health issues, and Boards for Bushfires from the Bronte Boardriders. Sophie Smith can no longer Run for Premature Babies, and any other activities designed to harness goodwill for the betterment of the world are outlawed.

The aforementioned charitable undertakings may only resume when:

  • Every royal family, everywhere in the world, abdicates the throne and redistributes their enormous ill-gotten wealth among the great unwashed.
  • Every single cigarette smoker (or vaper) on the planet quits their disgusting, self-indulgent and destructive habit and donates their smoking (or vaping) money to charity.
  • People stop paying $AU90 to have their fur baby receive a massage.
  • Multinational corporations pay the tax they are required, at law, to pay.
  • Corporations return the taxpayer-funded JobKeeper payments they received while recording massive profits during a pandemic. Go!
  • The world’s major religions release the substantial wealth hoarded in sites such as the Vatican, and direct it to the less fortunate: blessed are the poor.
  • Celebrities stop spending $1315 for a dog collar, $550 for a dog leash, and $84,000 on a car for their 9-year-old daughter.
  • The Australian government reverses the decision to spend $500 million to glorify war.
  • Church organisations in Australia stop defending paedophile priests and redirect the exorbitant legal fees to their parishioners throughout the world. Just drop it off at Vinnies.
  • FIFA and the IOC pay every person who works at their major events, such as the 2023 Women’s World Cup, including the volunteers whose work is essential to the conduct of those events.
  • Local politicians replace pink flowers with institutional change next International Women’s Day.
  • Mattias Cormann pays for his own international flights.
  • Fees for the country’s aged-care facilities do not pay for mansions with tennis courts and swimming pools.
  • The most expensive and elaborate building in the village or town of so many developing nations is not the church, synagogue, mosque, temple or other religious house of worship.
  • Australian taxpayers see a return on the $190,000 Scott Morrison spent on an empathy consultant.
  • Parliamentary pensions are paid on merit.
  • NSW Labor politicians stop shopping at Aldi.

In the interim, residents are advised that special dispensation will be given to GoFundMe pages raising money for highly-paid homophobes and reality TV failures seeking social media stardom.

Image: http://www.istockphoto.com

First published in The Beast magazine, July 2021

Ban disposable coffee cups for customers who dine in.

Disposable coffee cups should be banned for customers who chose to dine in at cafes and other food outlets. Disposable coffee cups are destroying the natural environment and are completely unnecessary for customers who dine in, and should be reserved only for takeaway beverages.

Why?

They’re not necessary. An alternative exists, and that alternative is superior. Furthermore, banning disposable cups for customers who dine in is a small, practical, reasonable and achievable initiative which could make a real difference to the amount of waste sent to landfill.

Use a mug, don’t be a mug…

Coffee mugs were designed specifically to hold coffee or tea. Ceramic mugs can be reused time and time again, and dine in customers enjoyed their tea and coffee long before the advent of disposable cups.

Disposable cups are single use items. Just like single use plastic bags, they are contributing massively to landfill and to the destruction of the environment throughout the world.  There is an alternative to single use plastic bags, just as there is an alternative to disposable coffee cups for customers who know they will consume their beverage at the café.

Single use plastic bags have been banned in many parts of the world. Disposable coffee cups for dine in customers can be banned too.

But cups are biodegradable

Not all of them. Technology has improved but many still contain plastic to make them watertight. In some parts of the world takeaway coffee is always served in cups that are not biodegradable – they don’t even try to be sustainable. Furthermore, one biodegradable coffee cup in landfill is still worse than no disposable cup in landfill.

Brazil is famous for coffee. Anecdotal evidence suggests this habit is very uncommon in Brazil. Apparently, it is also forbidden in some larger Brazilian cities to serve coffee in a disposable cup to customers who are dining in. Why can’t this law be introduced throughout the world?

What about enforcement?

Of course, any rule is only valid if it is enforced. Is it enforced in Brazil, at every café or outlet? I don’t know. I haven’t been to Brazil since 2001. The enforcement of the rule would place the onus on the staff at the café to refuse to provide the disposable cup even if it was requested. Authorities could conduct checks to monitor the application of the rule, just as inspectors conduct health and hygiene checks on food outlets.

Get used to it

Customers would have to break their habits and this would lead to the inevitable tension that accompanies every new rule change in society. I believe, however, that people would eventually get used to the rule and accept it. In Australia, people complained when single use plastic bags were phased out at major supermarkets, but they eventually got used to it. They also complained when a Goods and Services Tax (GST) added a cost to products at point of sale, but now everyone is used to it.

Exceptions

There are exceptions to every rule, and there may need to be exceptions to this rule. High traffic areas such as airports and food courts may be able to justify using disposable cups for all customers because of the possibility of breakage to glasses or ceramic mugs. It could also be argued that at food courts customers don’t technically dine in.

Why do people request disposable cups?

Some customers claim it keeps their beverage warm for longer. Others say they like the feel of drinking their beverage out of a disposable cup. In addition, some people apparently demand a disposable cup because they don’t know if they will finish their coffee at the café or on the run.

Make up your mind – it’s not that hard.

If we peel back the veneer of flimsy justifications, we know that people act out of laziness, selfishness and apathy. Most people throughout the world, and especially in wealthy countries which produce most of the planet’s waste, know that disposable cups harm the environment, but they just don’t care.

It’s time to make them care.

Images: Artem Labunsky, Van Thanh

Coffee doesn’t have to cost the earth.

What is a fair price to pay for coffee? Would you content yourself with a quick and easy $1 coffee from a convenience store, or can you justify spending $US80 for Kopi Luwak that has been digested by an Indonesian civet?

The price you pay for your coffee is entirely up to you and your taste buds, but what about the price to the planet? The cultivation, consumption and disposal of coffee all impact on the natural environment, and the choices individuals make on a daily basis can have a positive or negative impact on the planet.

Coffee Cups

You’ve probably witnessed the following scene:

“Morning Jay”

“Morning Tim”

“The usual?”

“Yes, please,” replies Jay, trying in vain to suppress a yawn.

“One skim latte, one sugar,” calls Tim to his fellow bearded barista, who frantically scribbles Jay’s initials and the order code on the lid of a disposable cup.

“Long night?” asks Tim

“Oh, yeah, final pitch for a big client this morning, so not much sleep”

“Well, this’ll help,” promises Tim, handing Jay the skim latte.

“You’re a lifesaver,” replies Jay, taking a desperate sip before hurrying to the office. “See you tomorrow!”

Jay is like so many people in urban areas of developed countries who collect their caffeinated elixir on the way to the office five days a week in a disposable coffee cup.

Five cups a week.

40 – 50 weeks a year.

200 – 250 cups per year in landfill.

For one person.

But cups are biodegradable

Not all of them. Thankfully technology has improved sufficiently to make some disposable cups more biodegradable, but many are not and still contain plastic to make them watertight. In some parts of the world takeaway coffee is always served in cups that are not biodegradable – they don’t even try to be sustainable. Furthermore, one biodegradable coffee cup in landfill is still worse than no disposable cup in landfill.

Get a reusable coffee cup.

Get yourself a reusable coffee cup. Maybe get two in case you forget to wash one before heading out. If you can afford regular take away coffee, you can afford one or two reusable cups.

What about COVID-19?

Yes, the COVID-19 pandemic prevented cafes and vendors from accepting reusable cups over concerns for hygiene – understandably. However, in regions which are lifting restrictions some vendors are now accepting reusable cups again.

Disposable cups for dine in

I still don’t understand why people order coffee in a disposable cup when they know they’ll consume it at the cafe. They sit there happily sipping away on their coffee dissecting last night’s episode of their favourite reality TV show, when they could have taken their coffee in a coffee mug.

The owner of a cafe once told me that people prefer disposbale cups because they think they keep the coffee warm for longer, or because they just like the feel of the disposable cup.

Do they like the feel of climate change?

Surely it’s better to consume coffee in a mug that was designed specifically for the consumption of coffee. Also, do European cafes, especially in France or Italy, serve coffee in disposable cups for customers dining in?

What about Brazil?

Brazil is as famous for coffee as it is for football. Anecdotal evidence suggests this habit is very uncommon in Brazil. Apparently, it is also forbidden in some larger Brazilian cities to serve coffee in a disposable cup to customers who are dining in.

Why can’t this rule be introduced in other parts of the world?

Coffee Grounds

Coffee grounds are the most visible by-product of coffee consumption. They can either make their way into landfill or into a garden. They can even become furniture.

Coffee grounds at home

Coffee grounds can be put into worms farms or compost bins. This is easy for households using these sustainable waste management systems. Just throw them in with your food scraps and other biodegradable material. I’ve always wondered, does caffeine have the same effect on worms as it does on humans? Does it make them more productive or more hungry? I wonder if the worms tell their companions;

“Don’t come near me until I’ve had some caffeine”

Some backyard gardeners will put their coffee grounds straight into their gardens, mixed in with the soil. There are different ways to do this based on the soil type, climate, season, region and type of plants. Some cafes will even give away used coffee grounds to customers for this purpose. Before adding grounds to your garden, do some research and seek advice from experts, because adding them incorrectly can harm some plants.

Organic

It’s even more beneficial to the earth if the coffee grounds themselves are organic. This means that the coffee has been grown with only natural chemicals which protect the soil and the waterways which are used to grow the crops. It’s also healthier for your body and for the soil which will be created in the compost system and later transferred to your garden.

It has also been found that treating coffee in a certain way can help to capture greenhouse gases.

Coffee grounds at cafes

As well as offering used grounds to customers for gardening, many cafes are now recycling their grounds in other ways. Organisations throughout the world collect grounds from cafes in urban areas and take them to places where they can be added to compost or transformed into other products.

Warm, soothing coffee

In the UK, coffee keeps people warm and toasty even after it has been consumed. A company called bio-bean acquires grounds from universities, businesses and train stations throughout the country and converts them into coffee logs for use in fireplaces.

The logs apparently burn 20% hotter and longer than kiln-dried wood. Plus, the logs are said to generate 80% fewer emissions than sending coffee grounds to landfill.

On a larger scale, coffee grounds are being turned into biofuels and even cleaning products. Research has found that grounds are rich in natural oils, potassium and nitrogen, and have an abrasive texture that makes them suitable as cleaning products.

So, next time your house mate leaves coffee stains throughout the house, remember that they’re actually cleaning…

Some people even use caffeine to clean their hair, as they claim that it loosens and removes residue left behind by styling products.

Endless benefits

The uses of coffee grounds are almost endless. People have found ways to use them for everything from ‘gardeners soap’ to insect repellent, as well as repairing furniture, tenderising or marinating meat and protecting pets from fleas or keeping them away from your plants.

It doesn’t end there.

Printing

The RITI Printer converts grounds into printer ink, and is labelled the coffee printer. What’s more, the device itself uses much less electricity than standard printers, and the vessel that holds the used coffee grounds (or old tea leaves) can be refilled.

Furniture

Re-worked, a non-profit design company, combines coffee grounds with with recycled waste plastics to form a composite material which is durable and waterproof, and can be used to make home furnishings including chairs, bar stools, and…coffee tables.

Coffee in coffee

It had to be done.

It was just a matter of time.

A coffee cup made from coffee grounds.

A young German chap by the name of Julian Lechner created Kaffeeform, which produces espresso cups and saucers made out of coffee grounds combined with sustainably sourced wood and natural glues.

That smell…

Everyone loves the smell of coffee. No one loves the smell of body odour. A Taiwanese company called S. Cafe produces sports clothing with coffee grounds woven into yarn which helps remove the body odour from the clothing.

These clothes should be given to every teenage boy on the planet – deodorant can only cover so much…

The company also boasts that its clothes are fast-drying and protect wearers from UV rays.

Yes, you can wear your coffee on your sleeve.

Coffee is a daily ritual for so many people throughout the world. The cultivation, consumption and disposal of elements involved in the production of a cup of coffee can harm the environment, or can protect the planet if enough intelligent, considerate people take small steps to make sure coffee doesn’t cost the earth.

Images: Nathan Dumlao, Noora AlHammadi, Van Thanh