Have You Seen This Man?

Authorities and welfare organisations are attempting to identify and locate a man seen wandering Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs pleading with local sporting clubs to become their no. 1 ticket holder.

The man is believed to have grown up in the region and is described as Caucasian, middle-aged, chubby and bespectacled, who is ‘…otherwise unremarkable aside from an affixed smirk which is equally arrogant and condescending”

The desperate man was first sighted in Bondi Junction wearing a Sydney Roosters jersey and baseball cap. Witnesses say he ordered a beer at Artie’s before approaching club bosses, muttering,

“How good are the Roosters!” and demanding to be made the club’s no.1 ticket holder for season 2022 and beyond.

The dejected figure was then seen in Kingsford a few hours later in cardinal and myrtle, claiming to be best friends with Rus. He ordered a beer at Henry Morris Bar and demanded to be made no.1 ticket holder of the Rabbitohs.

Stories of similar sightings throughout the East then emerged.

“Yeah, that’s the guy we saw a while ago,” confirmed club bosses at Randwick Rugby Union Club.

“Dressed in our jersey and scarf, ordered a beer and forced everyone to shake his hand. Kept saying; ‘How good are the galloping greens’ then said Campo’s gonna have a great season, and asked if the Ella brothers were all fit. We felt sorry for him until he demanded to be made no.1 ticket holder, then we showed him the door.”

Beasties stalwarts recounted their own tale of the listless wanderer.

“Seen some strange things at footy clubs, you know, boys will be boys, but this was bizarre. Decked out in full playing kit, even the shorts – not pretty – strolled into The Field and ordered a beer and insisted on meeting a board member. One of our execs decided to humour the poor guy, but when she introduced herself, he scoffed and demanded to meet a ‘real’ board member. That’s when our props did some lineout practice and dumped him on O’Sullivan Road.”

Authorities also received complaints about the unwelcome intruder from the Waratahs, Sydney Swans and Sydney FC, as well as Sydney Coastal Junior Cricket Club.

Sydney Coastal staff immediately contacted police after the man appeared at a junior competition saying,

“I know Dave Warner and Kaja, Kawi, Kijawa…you know, the foreign bloke.”

“We made it clear we want nothing to do with him – I mean, we’ve got kids at this club.”

Law enforcement and mental health experts have not identified a precise cause for the behaviour, which began in the lead up to the most recent federal election. Police are also investigating a possible link with an eerily similar case at Shark Park in early 2016.

Image: Craig Greenhill

First published in The Beast magazine, March 2022.

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