Huge shock for Cronulla fans at start of 2021 season.

Cronulla Sharks fans have reacted with horror to the news that they are the most gullible fans in rugby league after it was discovered that their No. 1 ticket holder is an imposter.

And all it took was a beer, a smirk and a baseball cap.

On the morning of the NRL season kick-off, news has broken that Prime Minister Scott Morrison fooled the club into thinking that he supports the pride of The Shire. Morrison is seen at most home games wearing team merchandise, and his customary smirk, surrounded by adoring and naive fans who genuinely believed he is one of them – until today.

News broke that Morrison actually grew up in the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney in the heartland of the Sydney Roosters. He also attended Sydney Boys High School, which is part of the Greater Public Schools network and only plays Rugby Union. What’s more, he declared himself a fan of the Western Bulldogs Aussie Rules team and stated that AFL is a “great game” and the AFL grand final is the “greatest show in Oz”.

Not only does the prime minister sport his Sharkies gear at home games, but even during his many photo opportunities and marketing videos broadcast to the Australian population.

Morrison only started publicly supporting Cronulla when he became the member for Cook. Sources have also suggested that Morrison only won Liberal preselection for the seat after News Limited ran a dirty smear campaign against long-standing Liberal member, and his opponent, Michael Towke.

Towke was also born in the east, but had lived in The Shire for many years, and was actively involved in many local organisations. Furthermore, Towke won the first preselection ballot in 2007, and polled 10 times as many votes as Morrison, 82 votes to 8. Morrison was eliminated in the first round. The Daily Telegraph then published four articles which heavily criticised Towke, even suggesting that he could be sent to jail.

Yet Sharks fans clap and cheer their famous fan as he cradles a beer in the stands at Shark Park.

A long and ugly defamation case ensued, and News Limited eventually settled with Towke out of court. The saga was revealed in the Sydney Morning Herald, and later in the St George and Sutherland Shire Leader, and apparently News Limited offered The Leader a $110,000 payment to stop the story from going to print. It seems Rupert Murdoch wanted no bad marks against his selection for future prime minister.

A second preselection ballot was held, and Morrison was chosen to lead the Liberal party in The Shire. This is how Scott Morrison came to be the federal member for The Shire, and how he came to be the No.1 ticket holder for the Sharks.

Rupert Murdoch had chosen his man, and it was Morrison – not an Australian of Lebanese heritage. A few years later, Murdoch would send instructions for Malcolm Turnbull to be removed as leader of the Coalition, and replaced by Morrison.

But Sharks fans don’t see this, or don’t want to. The man they know as ScoMo drinks beer and wears the black, white and blue.

They cheer a man who marked International Women’s Day in 2019 by saying that women should not rise in society at the expense of men. The man who took a holiday in Hawaii while the country burned through horrific bushfires. The man who protects alleged rapists and has overseen scandals involving Sport Rorts, the destruction of the Murray-Darling basin and Robodebt. They also support a man who cut funding to aged care services while he was Treasurer. By the time today’s Sharks fans need aged care services, will Scott Morrison still be pretending to support the Sharks?

In fact, the strongest proof that Morrison may truly care about Sharks victories is his famous visit to Engadine Maccas after Cronulla won the grand final in 2016.

Image: http://www.sharks.com.au

Scott Morrison imprisoned for UnAustralian activities.

EXCLUSIVE: The Prime Minister of Australia, Scott Morrison, has been found guilty of the highest form of treason and will become the first leader of Australia to spend the rest of his life in prison. Morrison was found to have knowingly engaged in UnAustralian activities and will be immediately transferred from The Lodge to a maximum-security facility on Christmas Island.

The sudden removal of the prime minister and the ensuing silence from the Department of Home Affairs will no doubt prompt wild speculation as to the specific actions which landed Morrison in prison.

Pundits are expected to cite the corruption, adultery and endless scandals of his LNP colleagues, and his unwavering devotion to the fossil fuel industry, which will see the opening of new coal mines, including one directly underneath Sydney’s water catchment. Fingers will be pointed at the SportsRorts saga, the trial of Witness K, the military budget and the collusion with Clive Palmer which helped Morrison to win the unwinnable federal election.

Blame will undoubtedly be laid at Morrison’s attempt to re-write Australian history by publicly denying the existence of slavery in the country, and the country’s steady descent into authoritarianism under his rule.

Anonymous sources within the Department of Home Affairs have suggested to The Beast that the dismissal may have been a reaction to Morrison’s adoption of socialism during the COVID-19 pandemic. The use of state money to pay the wages of thousands of citizens for an extended period of time may have boosted his approval rating, conceded the source, but angered powerful elements within the hard right of the LNP.

An accusation of treason implies an attack on the core values and traditions of a nation; an act as treacherous as eating a meat pie with cutlery, drinking warm beer, enjoying a burger without beetroot or knowing all the words to Advance Australia Fair. It could even include hoarding toilet paper. Morrison, however, has done something far worse, something that strikes at the very heart of the nation.

“He switched footy teams,” explained the source.

“Scott Morrison was born and raised in the heartland of the Sydney/ Eastern Suburbs Roosters, but now supports the Cronulla Sharks. You don’t do that”

“Even if switching teams wins votes in the Shire and smooths the path to the nation’s top job, you don’t switch footy teams. It’s UnAustralian.”

Morrison, meanwhile, has been denied the right to a fair trial and the right to comment publicly, but did manage to slip a short statement to the magazine which represents the people of his homeland.

“If you’re thinking of switching footy teams halfway through your life, don’t do it. Just don’t do it.”

First published in The Beast magazine, September 2020

Image: Craig Greenhill