Dogs at Mackenzies Bay are under attack after Waverley Council approved plans to construct a park for SUVs at the tiny beach. The news has angered pet owners who resent the intrusion of off-road drivers into a space they are not allowed to use.
The showdown is set to rival the most brutal and bloody sporting contests in history after months of bickering between the two parties on social media.
An SUV driver sparked the conflict with a simple remark.
“An SUV would crush a little pooch,”
To which a pet owner replied,
“A medium-sized pet dog has the same carbon footprint as an SUV.”
From that point it was on.
The beachside fight will take place with no regard for social distancing or health concerns, and will begin as soon as council completes the construction of the SUV facilities.
An access road will plough through Gaerloch Reserve, across the coastal path and onto the rocks, and a boat ramp will be a launching site for jet skis. Hoses will allow drivers to wash the sand, oil, motor fluids and other debris straight into the ocean. Council has also opened a tender for a car wash café to be built on the site, but pet owners reminded drivers they have taken over every café in the Eastern Suburbs.
Vitriolic pre-fight tension included the following attacks:
“SUVs will scare away the sunbathers, we’ll have it all to ourselves,”
“But dogs scare coastal birds away, and many of them never come back to this resting spot.”
“We’ll rip a hole in this beach with our circle work,”
“Just watch our pets damage native and planted vegetation with their digging”
“Slip, slop, slap with motor oil,”
“Yeah, well SUVs don’t poo, but dog faeces alters the coastal soil’s nutrient profile.”
“That’s right,” supported a fur friend, “and our dogs will destroy the original soil and the ability of remnant native vegetation to regenerate”
Pooch parents reminded the drivers that most owners pick up after their dogs, before one of their members admitted to never scooping up a soggy dropping from a rock pool, and claimed that the natural tides of the bay wash away everything anyway.
The dirty drivers then boasted,
“Stormwater run off closes beaches for days,” which drew a counter attack,
“Faecal contamination impacts the health of swimmers and surfers at Mackenzie’s Bay and Tamarama Beach, and this pollution will disrupt sensitive marine biodiversity.”
Meanwhile, Waverley Council promised that Rangers will ensure the fight does not detract from the experience of other beachgoers, but will instead be great live entertainment for people on the coastal walk.
“Like an animated Sculpture by the Sea”
First published in The Beast magazine, March 2021.