More Kayaks to Inundate Rushcutters Bay.

Rushcutters Bay is awash with kayaks as savvy paddlers prepare for the region’s conversion into the world’s first designated underwater village.

Residents had attributed the takeover of local parks to lockdown fads and a lack of storage space in tiny local apartments, but were surprised to hear that the owners are preparing for the impending rise in sea levels which will soon convert the region into an underwater village.

Images of local beaches completely disappearing under massive swells and huge tides confirmed to locals that kayaks and other waterborne vessels will soon replace gas-guzzling cars as the preferred method of transport for residents from Elizabeth Bay to South Head.

The southern harbour region was chosen for the grand experiment for a number of reasons. Residents adhere to a misguided belief that they live in a village, they cling obsessively to the shoreline, they are devoted to renovating and they traditionally vote conservative.

“This is a safe federal Liberal seat, and it is obvious to the educated that the Coalition has become merely a front for the fossil fuel industry. It is thus fitting to carry out this experiment in a region which is both driving climate change and is in line to suffer its effects,” declared a spokesperson for Sydney Underwater Village (SUV).

“The underwater village also guarantees every resident the one thing that brings meaning to their lives – uninterrupted water views.”

Renovation hobbyists will be ecstatic to learn that every house in the region must be refitted for underwater living. Air-tight glass houses will run on wave power and hydro energy, making Australia the first country to make an involuntary transition to renewable energy.

Existing marinas will be augmented to placate Gina Rinehart, and Australians will finally understand why the mining magnate prefers to sponsor water-based sports. Fortunately for locals, their luxury yachts will enjoy even greater tax deductions, and will run entirely on wind power, except at night time.

Daylight saving will be dispensed with and hungry locals will be able to select their dinner as it swims by the window, while local Dads will never tire of telling their kids that underwater living brings new meaning to the term ‘school’. There will be no need to spend hours cleaning the backyard swimming pool, and barnacles will be removed by low-paid migrant workers once their islands are swallowed by the ocean.

Harbourside homes will also serve as prototypes before the initiative is extended to houses overlooking the eastern beaches, and life beneath the surface will deliver two exciting developments to beachside residents:

Surfers will be able to surf from their front door, and locals will finally stop whingeing about car parking.

First published in The Beast magazine, June 2022

Image: Anita Denunzio

Dogs Under Attack at Mackenzies Bay.

Dogs at Mackenzies Bay are under attack after Waverley Council approved plans to construct a park for SUVs at the tiny beach. The news has angered pet owners who resent the intrusion of off-road drivers into a space they are not allowed to use.

The showdown is set to rival the most brutal and bloody sporting contests in history after months of bickering between the two parties on social media.

An SUV driver sparked the conflict with a simple remark.

“An SUV would crush a little pooch,”

To which a pet owner replied,

“A medium-sized pet dog has the same carbon footprint as an SUV.”

From that point it was on.

The beachside fight will take place with no regard for social distancing or health concerns, and will begin as soon as council completes the construction of the SUV facilities.

An access road will plough through Gaerloch Reserve, across the coastal path and onto the rocks, and a boat ramp will be a launching site for jet skis. Hoses will allow drivers to wash the sand, oil, motor fluids and other debris straight into the ocean. Council has also opened a tender for a car wash café to be built on the site, but pet owners reminded drivers they have taken over every café in the Eastern Suburbs.

Vitriolic pre-fight tension included the following attacks:

“SUVs will scare away the sunbathers, we’ll have it all to ourselves,”

“But dogs scare coastal birds away, and many of them never come back to this resting spot.”

“We’ll rip a hole in this beach with our circle work,”

“Just watch our pets damage native and planted vegetation with their digging”

“Slip, slop, slap with motor oil,”

“Yeah, well SUVs don’t poo, but dog faeces alters the coastal soil’s nutrient profile.”

“That’s right,” supported a fur friend, “and our dogs will destroy the original soil and the ability of remnant native vegetation to regenerate”

Pooch parents reminded the drivers that most owners pick up after their dogs, before one of their members admitted to never scooping up a soggy dropping from a rock pool, and claimed that the natural tides of the bay wash away everything anyway.

The dirty drivers then boasted,

“Stormwater run off closes beaches for days,” which drew a counter attack,

“Faecal contamination impacts the health of swimmers and surfers at Mackenzie’s Bay and Tamarama Beach, and this pollution will disrupt sensitive marine biodiversity.”

Meanwhile, Waverley Council promised that Rangers will ensure the fight does not detract from the experience of other beachgoers, but will instead be great live entertainment for people on the coastal walk.

“Like an animated Sculpture by the Sea”

First published in The Beast magazine, March 2021.