Prime Minister Scott Morrison has appointed former rugby league player Matthew Johns as the federal Minister for Women due to Johns’ dedication to the rights of women. The appointment ensures that the Liberal National Party will always contain one male member who has been involved in a sex scandal.
Morrison persuaded the popular figure to join the coalition during a ‘Return to Shark Park’ function for former Cronulla players in the Sutherland Shire. Morrison crashed the event in search of another photo opportunity, while Johns was there to catch up with former teammates.
“How good is Matty Johns!,” Morrison gloated while announcing the appointment.
“You know I love my footy, and I love Matty, especially since he played for the Sharkies,” he smirked.
“But no, in all seriousness, I’m very excited to announce Mr Johns as the new Minister for Women because he is a great role model for young Australian men, who has a great empathy for women.
It was during his time with the Sharks that Johns created controversy. He was the most high profile player to be involved in a group sex scandal with a 19-year-old woman during a team trip to New Zealand in 2002. The woman claimed she had been sexually assaulted, but a police investigation found no evidence and none of the players were charged.
“I know all about the Sharks scandal, because I’ve been a Cronulla fan ever since I connived my way into pre-selection for my seat in The Shire. I love how the boys in that team all bonded during that incident, and I especially love how they all managed to escape without any punishment. We could do with some of that know-how in the Coalition.”
“Remember, too, that after these allegations were revealed in the media, Matty’s fans set up the Support Matthew Johns Facebook page which had more than 100,000 members, including many women. We might get him to set one up for Christian Porter.”
The former player and current media personality will begin his new role immediately, and he is looking forward to the challenge.
“I love women,” he stated via his parole officer.
“I really love them, especially young ones, so when Scotty asked me to be his Minister for Women, I said yes straight away. Plus, Scotty said I can do all the work over a beer at Shark Park. How good!”
Johns will work alongside a special group formed in response to recent allegations of sexual assault and bullying of women in parliament house. The group contains politicians such as Christian Porter, Barnaby Joyce, Peter Dutton, Alan Tudge and George Christensen, and will report directly to Morrison – except when the prime minister needs to claim plausible deniability.