Scott Morrison recruits Matthew Johns.


Prime Minister Scott Morrison has appointed former rugby league player Matthew Johns as the federal Minister for Women due to Johns’ dedication to the rights of women. The appointment ensures that the Liberal National Party will always contain one male member who has been involved in a sex scandal.

Morrison persuaded the popular figure to join the coalition during a ‘Return to Shark Park’ function for former Cronulla players in the Sutherland Shire. Morrison crashed the event in search of another photo opportunity, while Johns was there to catch up with former teammates.

“How good is Matty Johns!,” Morrison gloated while announcing the appointment.

“You know I love my footy, and I love Matty, especially since he played for the Sharkies,” he smirked.

“But no, in all seriousness, I’m very excited to announce Mr Johns as the new Minister for Women because he is a great role model for young Australian men, who has a great empathy for women.

It was during his time with the Sharks that Johns created controversy. He was the most high profile player to be involved in a group sex scandal with a 19-year-old woman during a team trip to New Zealand in 2002. The woman claimed she had been sexually assaulted, but a police investigation found no evidence and none of the players were charged.

“I know all about the Sharks scandal, because I’ve been a Cronulla fan ever since I connived my way into pre-selection for my seat in The Shire. I love how the boys in that team all bonded during that incident, and I especially love how they all managed to escape without any punishment. We could do with some of that know-how in the Coalition.”

“Remember, too, that after these allegations were revealed in the media, Matty’s fans set up the Support Matthew Johns Facebook page which had more than 100,000 members, including many women. We might get him to set one up for Christian Porter.”

The former player and current media personality will begin his new role immediately, and he is looking forward to the challenge.

“I love women,” he stated via his parole officer.

“I really love them, especially young ones, so when Scotty asked me to be his Minister for Women, I said yes straight away. Plus, Scotty said I can do all the work over a beer at Shark Park. How good!”

Johns will work alongside a special group formed in response to recent allegations of sexual assault and bullying of women in parliament house. The group contains politicians such as Christian Porter, Barnaby Joyce, Peter Dutton, Alan Tudge and George Christensen, and will report directly to Morrison – except when the prime minister needs to claim plausible deniability.

Image: http://www.gettyimages.com.au

Scott Morrison recruits Jordan De Goey.

Prime Minster Scott Morrison has appointed AFL player Jordan De Goey as the new Minister for Women due to De Goey’s empathy for women. The appointment ensures that at all times the Liberal National Party will contain one male member who is under investigation for sexual assault.

De Goey is still under investigation for the alleged sexual assault of a woman in 2015. The court case was set to take place in 2020, but was delayed due to COVID-19. Despite the charges, he was allowed to keep playing for the Collingwood Magpies throughout the 2020 season.

“How good is Jordan De Goey!,” gloated Morrison during the announcement.

“I’ve never been much of a fan of AFL, but I will be if it helps me win votes. I do know that Mr De Goey is a fine young man with a great understanding of women, and is a great role model for all Australian men.”

Morrison said he made contact with the talented player via former Collingwood president Eddie McGuire.

“I’d forgotten that King Kong joke Eddie made, and I asked him to tell it to me again. Mate – classic. While we were chatting, he recommended Jordan and I didn’t hesitate to offer him the job.”

“Apart from being charged with sexual assault, Jordan also lied about hurting his hand while at a nightclub. He said he hurt it playing with his dog, then, even better, he made his coach go and tell the media that lie as well. There’s nothing wrong with making someone else cop the flack for a mistake you made…”

The sexual assault allegation was investigated by the AFL Integrity Unit and Victoria Police in 2018, and no charges were laid.

“Jordan didn’t even have to stand down from playing, and a lot of my cabinet, especially Christian Porter, want to know how he managed that.”

De Goey will begin the role immediately, and will lead a special group comprising coalition members such as Christian Porter, Barnaby Joyce, Alan Tudge and Peter Dutton. The group will report directly to the prime minister, except when he needs to be able to claim plausible deniability.

Image: AAP Images

Scott Morrison recruits Tristan Sailor.


Prime Minister Scott Morrison has appointed rugby league player Tristan Sailor as the federal Minister for Women due to Sailor’s dedication to the rights of women. The appointment ensures that the Liberal National Party will always contain one male member who is under investigation for sexual assault.

Morrison persuaded Sailor to join the coalition over a beer in Bondi.

“How good is Tristan Sailor,” Morrison gloated while announcing the appointment.

“You know I love my footy, and I love Tristan, even though he never played for the Sharkies,” he smirked.

“But no, in all seriousness, I’m very excited to announce Mr Sailor as the new Minister for Women because he is a great role model for young Australian men who has a great empathy for women. For that reason, I met up with him for a beer at the Beach Road Hotel pub in Bondi. When we were in the Uber back to the Shire, I invited him to Canberra.”

Sailor will begin his new role immediately and his first task will be to recount his experiences at the pub in Bondi, 2020.

“Tristan will tell us all about the night which started at the Beach Road Hotel with friends, then continued back in the Shire. He will tell us how he had sex with a friend of his who then texted him the next morning to ask what had happened, because she was unsure. The murky details and the question of whether the woman was in a position to give consent are very similar to incidents which occur here in Canberra, so we’re very keen to have Tristan on board.”

“During the Uber ride, I told him how I also travelled from the Eastern Suburbs to the Shire and deceived people to get what I wanted – and now look at me!”

Sailor was equally excited about the new role.

“I love women,” he stated.

“I really love them, so when Scotty asked me to be his Minister for Women, I said yes straight away. Plus, I don’t do much these days since I can’t play NRL – so at least it’s one way to pass the time.”

Sailor will work alongside a special group formed in response to recent allegations of sexual assault and bullying of women in parliament house. The group contains politicians such as Christian Porter, Barnaby Joyce, Peter Dutton, Alan Tudge and George Christensen, and will report directly to Morrison – except when the prime minister needs to claim plausible deniability.

Image: http://www.canberratimes.com.au