Prime Minister Scott Morrison has appointed former rugby league player Darren Lockyer as the federal Minister for Women due to Lockyer’s dedication to the rights of women. The appointment ensures that the Liberal National Party will always contain one male member who has been involved in a controversy surrounding sexual assault.
Morrison persuaded the former Australian captain to join the coalition while they were both attending a summit to advance the interests of the fossil fuel industry. The prime minister was particularly attracted to Lockyer’s ability to make light of accusations of sexual assault.
“How good is Darren Lockyer!,” Morrison gloated while announcing the appointment.
“You know I love my footy, and I love Darren, even though he never played for the Sharkies,” he smirked.
“But no, in all seriousness, I’m very excited to announce Mr Lockyer as the new Minister for Women because he is a great role model for young Australian men who has a great empathy for women.”
The Queensland State of Origin hero created controversy in 2004 when he joked about an alleged gang rape involving players from the Canterbury Bulldogs team. As guest speaker at a function in Brisbane, Lockyer commented:
“St George, they won 11 premierships with one Raper. Imagine how many Canterbury will win.”
Morrison said good fortune led him the the new appointment.
“Gina ordered me to attend a conference for the resources sector in Australia, and after Rupert agreed, I cancelled all my other appointments and attended. Luckily, Darren was there in his role as ambassador for the coal seam gas and wider fossil fuel industry, so I chatted to him during the lunch break and invited him to Canberra.”
The smirk returned when Morrison explained:
“I did have to remind him though that I’m now the captain of Team Australia.”
The former Bronco will begin his new role immediately, and he is looking forward to the challenge.
“I love women,” he stated.
“I love making jokes about their suffering too, so when Scotty asked me to be his Minister for Women, I said yes straight away.”
Lockyer will work alongside a special group formed in response to recent allegations of sexual assault and bullying of women in parliament house. The group contains politicians such as Christian Porter, Barnaby Joyce, Peter Dutton, Alan Tudge and George Christensen, and will report directly to Morrison – except when the prime minister needs to claim plausible deniability.