Prime Minister Scott Morrison has appointed rugby league player Jack de Belin as the federal Minister for Women due to de Belin’s dedication to the rights of women. The appointment ensures that the Liberal National Party will always contain one male member who is under investigation for sexual assault.
Morrison persuaded de Belin to join the coalition while they were both posing for photos at the beach.
“How good is Jack de Belin,” Morrison gloated while announcing the appointment.
“You know I love my footy, and I love Jack, even though he never played for the Sharkies,” he smirked.
“But no, in all seriousness, I’m very excited to announce Mr de Belin as the new Minister for Women because he is a great role model for young Australian men, who has a strong empathy for women. For that reason, I approached him while we were posing at the beach and asked him to join us in Canberra.”
“Even more importantly, Jack has a baby daughter, so every time one of our staff is accused of rape, Jack can think of his daughter, just like I do.”
De Belin will begin his new role immediately and his first task will be to recount his trip to a Wollongong nightclub in 2018.
“We’re look forward to hearing Jack explain how he left his heavily pregnant partner at home with his unborn child on the night of question, then took a 19-year-old girl back to an apartment with his male friend, even after that young women reminded him that he had a girlfriend.”
“We’re also seeking advice from Jack’s legal team on how to make a rape trial drag on for so long without reaching a verdict – so long that people start to forget that it ever happened.”
The St George-Illawarra and NSW Origin player was equally excited about the new role.
“I love women,” he stated.
“I really love them – especially young women, I love them all, so when Scotty asked me to be his Minister for Women, I said yes straight away. Plus, all I do is train these days since I can’t actually play NRL – so at least it’s one way to pass the time.”
De Belin will work alongside a special group formed in response to recent allegations of sexual assault and bullying of women in parliament house. The group contains politicians such as Christian Porter, Barnaby Joyce, Peter Dutton, Alan Tudge and George Christensen, and will report directly to Morrison – except when the prime minister needs to claim plausible deniability.