Footy Leadership Groups to replace Australian government.

Leadership Groups from Australia’s major football codes will replace the current Australian government while Coalition members take mental health leave. Senior players from sports such as the NRL and AFL will run the country while coalition ministers and senators take sick leave to recover from self-inflicted scandals.

“Footy players will run the country for a while,” announced Prime Minister Scott Morrison.

“Leadership Groups are the perfect replacement for ministers and senators because they are made up of players who have committed public scandals and have not only kept their jobs, but often been rewarded with positions of greater influence. Some have even captained premiership winning teams, just as I captained my team to victory in the last election despite years of incompetence, failure and questionable behaviour. Of course, just like politics, some members of Leadership Groups are responsible and decent people, but they’re often outnumbered.”

Many of the players are currently serving suspensions for off-field scandals, and thus have time to be politicians until ministers and senators return from leave. They will begin their new roles immediately and are expected to perform just as well as the people they replace.

Football players are famous for committing scandals involving the abuse of alcohol and illicit drugs, racism, homophobia, misuse of social media, driving offences, general immorality and mistreatment of women. It is this ongoing behaviour which persuaded the prime minister to call for their help during the current crisis.

“They also have great empathy for women,” explained Morrison, “and one of them was just found guilty of rape, so these are the kind of men we need in parliament house at the moment.”

The footy players who were chosen to fill such a vital role are excited by the new challenge.

“Sweet bro,” they exclaimed.

“Mad Monday every Monday!”

“We can get on the piss, hire some hookers, pop some pills, have wild group sex, denigrate women, make a few sex tapes and share them – might even rape a few b’,*ches – anything goes here.”

The players were reported to be even more excited that they will enjoy greater impunity as politicians than they do as footballers.

“Mate, I’ve been suspended for bloody ever after I got accused of rape, and they haven’t even found me guilty,” stated NRL player Jack de Belin.

“But that Porter bloke got accused of the same thing and they gave him sick leave on full pay. How good is politics!”

The appointment of the Leadership Groups will allow the Coalition to work on their combinations in the early days of the cabinet reshuffle, and will even allow Morrison to take a holiday from doing nothing. The job of PM will be shared between NRL player Jarryd Hayne and the walking disaster, former AFL player Ben Cousins.

Images: http://www.abc.net.au, http://www.gettyimages.com.au

Strict ban imposed on Australian politicians.

Politicians cannot visit schools and children will no longer make excursions to federal or state parliament houses following revelations of appalling behaviour from politicians and their staffers.

The ban will take effect immediately and hinges on one key issue:

“Many politicians and their staff do not qualify for a Working With Children Check (WWCC)” explained a spokesperson for the Australian Society for the Protection of Children (ASPC).

“Our nation’s leaders have committed or defended acts that are illegal, immoral, depraved and reprehensible, and this disqualifies them from a WWCC. Without a WWCC, an adult is not allowed to interact with children in any official capacity.”

The spokesperson was adamant that not all politicians have behaved poorly, but that a blanket ban at the present time was the only way to protect the nation’s children.

“Remember, it is not just the politicians themselves who visit schools or community and youth organisations. They arrive with an entourage of minders, advisors, media attaches, staffers and interns, and it is their staffers who are sometimes the biggest problem, as news stories have demonstrated in recent weeks.”

Australian school children will not be allowed to visit Parliament House on official school excursions, denying them a trip that was something of a right of passage for Aussie kids. Parents are also advised that anyone under the age of 18 will be denied entry to the halls of power in Canberra and state capitals.

“Parliament House is crawling with creeps,” stated the ASPC, “It’s not even a safe place for adults.”

The decision follows the shocking discovery of disgraceful behaviour in parliamentary buildings and other locations, by the people entrusted to run the country.

A junior staffer revealed an alleged rape in a minister’s office in Canberra, and numerous women have reported sexual harassment by male staff members. The same women provided evidence that their claims were not taken seriously, or were ignored, in order to protect the politician, staffer or the political party.

Media outlets have also revealed instances of male staffers masturbating on a woman’s desk, filming the act and sharing the video with male colleagues, and of prostitutes being brought into parliament house.

The Attorney General, the highest law officer in the land, was caught fraternising with young female staffers in a public bar just minutes from Parliament House. Apart from committing adultery, the minister was also accused of placing himself in a compromising position which could threaten the security of the nation. He continues to be protected by his party, and by the prime minister.

In addition, the prime minister, and the federal minister for women refused to meet face to face with the thousands of protestors participating in marches throughout the country calling for greater rights and protection for women inside and outside of politics.

“All of these acts preclude a person from securing a WWCC, and cast them as terrible role models for the nation’s school children. This is why we have had to place a ban on interactions between politicians and children,” clarified the spokesperson.

“The ban will be lifted when politicians and their staffers start behaving like moral human beings”

Image: Aditya Joshi

Parliament House for 4 Year Olds.

Parliament House for 4 Year Olds is a delightful new TV series in which young children teach Australia’s federal politicians how to behave. The landmark series will be filmed inside Parliament House, Canberra, and follows the ground-breaking documentary Old People’s Home for 4 Year Olds, which aired on the Australian Broadcasting Commission (ABC) in 2017.

The successful ABC series followed a group of 4-year-old children during their visits to an aged-care facility. The interaction between residents and the children was proven to improve the physical, mental and emotional wellbeing of the elderly participants, and it is hoped the series at Parliament House will improve the basic human decency of politicians.

“The 4-year-olds will teach politicians how to behave,” explained the show’s creators.

“The children will teach politicians and staffers in the nation’s capital basic principles such as morality, fairness, honesty, equality, justice, tolerance and sharing – the basic values that early childhood educators instil in young children every day, and the kind of behaviours that are often called ‘Australian Values’.”

The multi-part series will take politicians and their staffers through activities designed to remind them that boys and girls should be treated equally, that ‘sharing is caring’ and that if someone was using the toys first, it’s not acceptable to just steal those toys and never give them back. Politicians will also learn that it is normal to share the sand pit and swing set with someone who looks or sounds different to you, and that bullying is never ok.

“Boys are now learning that punching or slapping a girl, pulling her hair or pushing her off the monkey bars is not a form of flirting or affection, that it’s actually a form of bullying. In light of this, children will teach the nation’s leaders that if they’re being bullied, they should tell an adult, because the adult will try to help you and not just ignore you.”

Politicians from all parties have been invited to attend, and they will be taught that errant bodily fluids can make everyone sick and are just ‘yukky’.

“We are happy to include the nation’s leaders in our toilet training sessions, and to remind them of the true purpose of bathrooms.”

Children will instruct politicians and their staffers that telling the truth is always important, even when that is difficult, and that it can be harmful to spread nasty rumours about someone behind their back.

“We are also confident that the series will put an end to participants bringing prostitutes into the corridors of power, because a 4-year-old doesn’t even know what a prostitute is.”

Parliament House for 4 Year Olds will not be shown on the ABC, because the politicians participating in the series are the ones currently dismantling the national broadcaster. Instead, the series will be aired after shows such as MKR, I’m A Celebrity and MAFS, because a direct correlation has been found between viewing scripted reality TV shows and voting amoral politicians back into power.

For fans of reality TV shows, they will also have the chance to ‘vote’ the participants off the show at the next election. Furthermore, producers plan to extend the program to state parliaments, where politicians can learn how to avoid physical relationships with people who have been involved in widespread corruption, and that the number 3 million is not the same as the number 30 million.

Parliament House for 4 Year Olds will air at the beginning of next month, and will be available on catch up services.

Parliament House for 4 Year Olds; because 4-year-olds are perfect role models for politicians”

Image: Katrina Knapp

Scott Morrison recruits Jordan De Goey.

Prime Minster Scott Morrison has appointed AFL player Jordan De Goey as the new Minister for Women due to De Goey’s empathy for women. The appointment ensures that at all times the Liberal National Party will contain one male member who is under investigation for sexual assault.

De Goey is still under investigation for the alleged sexual assault of a woman in 2015. The court case was set to take place in 2020, but was delayed due to COVID-19. Despite the charges, he was allowed to keep playing for the Collingwood Magpies throughout the 2020 season.

“How good is Jordan De Goey!,” gloated Morrison during the announcement.

“I’ve never been much of a fan of AFL, but I will be if it helps me win votes. I do know that Mr De Goey is a fine young man with a great understanding of women, and is a great role model for all Australian men.”

Morrison said he made contact with the talented player via former Collingwood president Eddie McGuire.

“I’d forgotten that King Kong joke Eddie made, and I asked him to tell it to me again. Mate – classic. While we were chatting, he recommended Jordan and I didn’t hesitate to offer him the job.”

“Apart from being charged with sexual assault, Jordan also lied about hurting his hand while at a nightclub. He said he hurt it playing with his dog, then, even better, he made his coach go and tell the media that lie as well. There’s nothing wrong with making someone else cop the flack for a mistake you made…”

The sexual assault allegation was investigated by the AFL Integrity Unit and Victoria Police in 2018, and no charges were laid.

“Jordan didn’t even have to stand down from playing, and a lot of my cabinet, especially Christian Porter, want to know how he managed that.”

De Goey will begin the role immediately, and will lead a special group comprising coalition members such as Christian Porter, Barnaby Joyce, Alan Tudge and Peter Dutton. The group will report directly to the prime minister, except when he needs to be able to claim plausible deniability.

Image: AAP Images

Scott Morrison recruits Craig Wells.


Prime Minister Scott Morrison has appointed former rugby union player Craig Wells as the federal Minister for Women due to Wells’ dedication to the rights of women. The appointment ensures that the Liberal National Party will always contain one male member who is under investigation for sexual assault.

Morrison persuaded the former Wallaby to join the coalition while he and Attorney General Christian Porter were visiting a prison to announce major new law and order policies. Wells is currently serving time in the same prison after being found guilty of raping a 14-year-old girl in 2015.

“How good is Craig Wells,” Morrison gloated while announcing the appointment.

“You know I love my footy, and I love Craig, even though he never played for the Sharkies,” he smirked.

“But no, in all seriousness, I’m very excited to announce Mr Wells as the new Minister for Women because he is a great role model for young Australian men who has a great empathy for women. He also coached U/16 and U/14 girls footy teams on the NSW South Coast. For that reason, Christian and I met him during his allocated yard time and invited him to Canberra.”

Wells was found guilty of plying the girl with drugs and alcohol and raping her twice on the same night in 2015. His female accomplice is said to have sat on the girl’s chest to stop her from moving while Wells was raping her.

Media outlets reported that Wells told the girl:

“I wish I could get you pregnant and have babies with you but you’re too young.”

He is also reported to have cuddled up to her the morning after the rape and asked:

“Did you have fun?”

Wells was sentenced to six years in prison.

The former Waratah will begin his new role immediately, and he is looking forward to the challenge.

“I love women,” he stated via his parole officer.

“I really love them, especially young ones, so when Scotty asked me to be his Minister for Women, I said yes straight away. Plus, I don’t do much these days since I’m stuck in prison. I’m also proud to be the first Cabinet Minister to carry out my duties from inside prison.”

Wells will work alongside a special group formed in response to recent allegations of sexual assault and bullying of women in parliament house. The group contains politicians such as Christian Porter, Barnaby Joyce, Peter Dutton, Alan Tudge and George Christensen, and will report directly to Morrison – except when the prime minister needs to claim plausible deniability.

Image: Fairfax Media

Scott Morrison recruits Jack de Belin.


Prime Minister Scott Morrison has appointed rugby league player Jack de Belin as the federal Minister for Women due to de Belin’s dedication to the rights of women. The appointment ensures that the Liberal National Party will always contain one male member who is under investigation for sexual assault.

Morrison persuaded de Belin to join the coalition while they were both posing for photos at the beach.

“How good is Jack de Belin,” Morrison gloated while announcing the appointment.

“You know I love my footy, and I love Jack, even though he never played for the Sharkies,” he smirked.

“But no, in all seriousness, I’m very excited to announce Mr de Belin as the new Minister for Women because he is a great role model for young Australian men, who has a strong empathy for women. For that reason, I approached him while we were posing at the beach and asked him to join us in Canberra.”

“Even more importantly, Jack has a baby daughter, so every time one of our staff is accused of rape, Jack can think of his daughter, just like I do.”

De Belin will begin his new role immediately and his first task will be to recount his trip to a Wollongong nightclub in 2018.

“We’re look forward to hearing Jack explain how he left his heavily pregnant partner at home with his unborn child on the night of question, then took a 19-year-old girl back to an apartment with his male friend, even after that young women reminded him that he had a girlfriend.”

“We’re also seeking advice from Jack’s legal team on how to make a rape trial drag on for so long without reaching a verdict – so long that people start to forget that it ever happened.”

The St George-Illawarra and NSW Origin player was equally excited about the new role.

“I love women,” he stated.

“I really love them – especially young women, I love them all, so when Scotty asked me to be his Minister for Women, I said yes straight away. Plus, all I do is train these days since I can’t actually play NRL – so at least it’s one way to pass the time.”

De Belin will work alongside a special group formed in response to recent allegations of sexual assault and bullying of women in parliament house. The group contains politicians such as Christian Porter, Barnaby Joyce, Peter Dutton, Alan Tudge and George Christensen, and will report directly to Morrison – except when the prime minister needs to claim plausible deniability.

Image: http://www.gettyimages.com.au

Scott Morrison recruits Jarryd Hayne.

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has appointed former rugby league player Jarryd Hayne as the federal Minister for Women due to Hayne’s dedication to gender equality. The appointment ensures that the Liberal National Party will always contain one male member who is under investigation for sexual assault.

Morrison persuaded Hayne to join the coalition during a prayer service at Hillsong Church.

“How good is Jarryd Hayne,” Morrison gloated while announcing the appointment.

“You know I love my footy, and I love Jarryd, even though he never played for the Sharkies,” he smirked.

“But no, in all seriousness, I’m very excited to announce Mr Hayne as the new Minister for Women because he is a great role model for young Australian men, who has a great empathy for women. For that reason, I approached him during intermission at one of Hillsong’s rock concerts and asked him to join us in Canberra.”

“What’s more, Jarryd just got married. First of all, congratulations. Secondly, he is now able to empathise with women because he has a wife. I ask Jenny for advice, and Jarryd can ask Amellia for advice.”

Hayne will begin his new role immediately and his first task will be to recount his experiences in the United States.

“We know Jarryd spent time trialling for the NFL,” explained Morrison. “What you might have forgotten is that he was also accused of sexual assault in the US and the matter was settled out of court. Therefore, he will brief the LNP on how to settle a sexual assault case out of court, and how to make everyone forget the alleged incident ever happened.”

Hayne was equally excited about the new role.

“I love women,” he stated.

“I really love them – Aussie women, American women, I love them all, so when Scotty asked me to be his Minister for Women, I said yes straight away. Plus, I don’t do much these days since I can’t play NRL – so at least it’s one way to pass the time.”

Hayne will work alongside a special group formed in response to recent allegations of sexual assault and bullying of women in parliament house. The group contains politicians such as Christian Porter, Barnaby Joyce, Peter Dutton, Alan Tudge and George Christensen, and will report directly to Morrison – except when the prime minister needs to claim plausible deniability.

Image: http://www.abc.net.au

RSPCA raids Parliament House.

The Royal Society for the Protection and Care of Animals (RSPCA) has carried out raids on Australia’s federal parliament in response to repeated reports of animal cruelty.

The animal welfare organisation carried out the raids in Canberra after mounting evidence linked the destruction of Australia’s wildlife to the actions and policies of politicians.

“Australia is killing its native animals,” stated a spokesperson for the RSPCA “This is the direct result of decisions made by politicians from all sides of politics.”

“Australia has the highest rate of native mammal extinction in the world, despite the fact that non-indigenous Australians have only been here for about 230 years.”

The raids uncovered deliberate policies and gross inaction from the major political parties which have contributed to the decline of native animals across the country.

Documents, archival records and electronic communication revealed that native animals are disappearing due to the presence of feral animals, the climate crisis, bush fires, reliance on fossil fuel, land clearing and drought.

Feral animals such as cats, foxes and cane toads have wiped out many native animals, and feral horses continue to cause widespread ecological damage in alpine regions, despite decades of requests from numerous groups to have the brumbies removed.

Feral and domestic cats are still the most destructive introduced species in the country, but domestic cats are still allowed to roam freely day and night, and cat breeding is still a legal and lucrative business.

The climate crisis was also discovered to have detroyed many of the county’s native animals, and Australia has played a large part in this ongoing disaster.

“Australia has the highest per-capita carbon footprint in the world,” explained the spokesperson, “…and scientific evidence tells us that this is caused largely by the burning of fossil fuels and traditional agricultural methods. Despite this, politicians from both parties insist on opening new fossil fuel projects and neglecting renewable energy.”

The RSPCA is itself heavily involved in the rehabilitation of native wildlife which suffered due to the most recent bush fires, and found that a comprehensive plan to prevent further destructive bush fires has still not been developed.

“Habitat loss is another major contributor to native animal deaths, and some experts believe Koalas could become extinct in the near future. Despite this, politicians are drafting new laws to allow more land clearing, or failing to enforce existing laws which prevent land clearing.”

The raids also uncovered gross incompetence and corruption in the management of water resources in the world’s driest continent, particularly along the Murray-Darling basin.

“The Murray-Darling debacle has caused yet more native wildlife to perish, and this network stretches across various states. For this reason, we will also conduct raids on state and territory parliaments in the near future if the country’s water resources, and other natural resources, are not properly managed to give native wildlife a fair dinkum chance to survive and prosper.”

In response to the raids, Prime Minister Scott Morrison took a photo with a wombat.