Jarryd Hayne’s substandard performance in the 2009 NRL Grand Final has saved former NSW Premier Nathan Rees from great embarrassment. Hayne performed well below expectation during the Grand Final loss to the Melbourne Storm and saved Rees from having to fulfil a promise made to the people of Sydney and NSW in the lead up to the game.
Rees promised to name a new Sydney train The Hayne Train in honour of the Dally M Medallist and the season’s most outstanding player. The train would have been painted in the blue and gold of the Parramatta Eels, and would have run on the western line between Central and Parramatta, as well as the western suburbs where Hayne grew up.
If Hayne and the Eels had found a way to overcome the star-studded Storm team, Rees would have used taxpayers’ money to name a train after a football superstar who was twice accused of sexual assault, and recently found guilty of the second case. Hayne is likely to serve time in prison for the assault which he committed on the night of the NRL Grand Final in 2018.
Considering the state of trains in metropolitan Sydney, that train could still be on the tracks today.
Jarryd Hayne saved the NSW Blues on many occasions with his brilliance during State of Origin games. This time he saved the NSW premier with a poor performance.
Leadership Groups from Australia’s major football codes will replace the current Australian government while Coalition members take mental health leave. Senior players from sports such as the NRL and AFL will run the country while coalition ministers and senators take sick leave to recover from self-inflicted scandals.
“Footy players will run the country for a while,” announced Prime Minister Scott Morrison.
“Leadership Groups are the perfect replacement for ministers and senators because they are made up of players who have committed public scandals and have not only kept their jobs, but often been rewarded with positions of greater influence. Some have even captained premiership winning teams, just as I captained my team to victory in the last election despite years of incompetence, failure and questionable behaviour. Of course, just like politics, some members of Leadership Groups are responsible and decent people, but they’re often outnumbered.”
Many of the players are currently serving suspensions for off-field scandals, and thus have time to be politicians until ministers and senators return from leave. They will begin their new roles immediately and are expected to perform just as well as the people they replace.
Football players are famous for committing scandals involving the abuse of alcohol and illicit drugs, racism, homophobia, misuse of social media, driving offences, general immorality and mistreatment of women. It is this ongoing behaviour which persuaded the prime minister to call for their help during the current crisis.
“They also have great empathy for women,” explained Morrison, “and one of them was just found guilty of rape, so these are the kind of men we need in parliament house at the moment.”
The footy players who were chosen to fill such a vital role are excited by the new challenge.
“Sweet bro,” they exclaimed.
“Mad Monday every Monday!”
“We can get on the piss, hire some hookers, pop some pills, have wild group sex, denigrate women, make a few sex tapes and share them – might even rape a few b’,*ches – anything goes here.”
The players were reported to be even more excited that they will enjoy greater impunity as politicians than they do as footballers.
“Mate, I’ve been suspended for bloody ever after I got accused of rape, and they haven’t even found me guilty,” stated NRL player Jack de Belin.
“But that Porter bloke got accused of the same thing and they gave him sick leave on full pay. How good is politics!”
The appointment of the Leadership Groups will allow the Coalition to work on their combinations in the early days of the cabinet reshuffle, and will even allow Morrison to take a holiday from doing nothing. The job of PM will be shared between NRL player Jarryd Hayne and the walking disaster, former AFL player Ben Cousins.
EXCLUSIVE: Jarryd Hayne has revealed he sent a secret letter to Mick Fuller pleading with the NSW Police Commissioner to release his iConsent App just days before the rugby league star sexually assaulted a woman in 2018.
In an exclusive interview, Hayne claimed that he would never have been found guilty of the crime if Fuller had heeded his calls to release the App in the days leading up to the 2018 Grand Final.
“I’m probably gonna go to prison,” Hayne conceded outside court following the guilty verdict.
“But I shouldn’t have to. If Mick released that rape app before I went to that chick’s house, I wouldn’t ‘ve have been found guilty today,” argued the former NRL star.
“I wrote a letter to Mick a few weeks before the grand final, and asked him about the app. I’d seen him hangin’ around the NRL a bit – I think he was trying to get a job or something, I don’t know. But I heard he had this idea for an app and I knew it would be great for me and heaps of other footy players, so I wrote him the letter.”
Hayne then explained exactly how the app could have helped him avoid a likely prison sentence.
“See, I could’ve just got her to sign on the app, the iConsent App, that she consented to the sex or to whatever happened that night, and then I wouldn’t ‘ve been guilty. I could’ve just told her I was ordering a pizza, or placing a bet for her on the final score on the grand final – coz you can do everything on your phone and on an app these days – then everything would’ve been sweet.”
Asked if that meant he would not have committed the offence, Hayne answered,
“Nah, I still would’ve done it, but I would’ve got away with it – that’s how the app works isn’t it?”
The former NSW and Australian representative then conceded that an app could have saved him from going through the legal proceedings at all.
“I should’ve just ordered an Uber that night. I could’ve got one Uber to her house, then a different one when the job was done. But I used a cab and he had to wait – I reckon that’s what made people so suspicious, hey”
Asked if he believed the iConsent App would prevent him or any other man from committing sexual assault, Hayne replied,
EXCLUSIVE: NSW Police Commissioner Mick Fuller has revealed that his controversial iConsent App was the cornerstone of his bid to land a role within the NRL and was designed to keep rugby league players out of prison. After failing to secure the NRL position, he proposed the App for the Australian public.
The proposed iConsent App was designed to record sexual consent and was expected to reduce the number of sexual assaults in the country. Reported sexual assault rose by 10 per cent in 2020, but only two percent of those cases led to guilty verdicts in court.
The commissioner was being considered for a role dedicated to improving the off-field behaviour of footballers, and he pitched the app to the NRL while three of its players were under investigation for sexual assault. NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian blocked Fuller’s appointment, so the commissioner offered the App to the wider public.
“This App is perfect for the NRL, and ideal for the country in general,” Fuller announced.
“No woman in Australia will ever be raped again once this App is operational. If it can stop NRL players from raping women, it can stop anyone from raping women.”
Fuller then revealed secret features of the App which were to be included for NRL players, but will not be available to the general public.
“It would have been great, and it’s such a shame Gladys prevented me from working with the NRL,” he stated.
“Players could have customised the App according to the colours of their current team, and they could have downloaded the team’s mascot. There was a scoreboard for recording how many women they had ‘pulled’ on any given night, and a setting to rank the appearance of those women – just like the origins of Facebook. We were also designing a filter to make the women more attractive and allow players to boast to their teammates about their conquests.”
“What’s more, they could change the colour settings to blue or maroon during Origin season, and to their favoured national team during internationals. Of course, it also allowed women to consent to group sex, because no self-respecting rugby league player would ever have sex with a woman if he was not joined by one or more of his teammates.”
Fuller also explained that the App would have linked directly to sports betting Apps, and the various social media platforms which land professional footballers in trouble, and was equipped with video settings to allow players to make and distribute sex tapes. Designers of the App had been ordered to constantly upgrade its settings for footy players, to cater for anything from the mundane to the wildly kinky, including the ability to get consent from a dog.
Fuller himself told the media the iConsent App could be “the worst idea I have all year”, but it is still better than any suggestion from the prime minister. The Minister for Women has also been silent, as has the Attorney General, who can’t comment after taking sick leave since being accused of rape, infidelity, affairs with young staffers and general sleaziness.
Only time will tell if the App finds its way into the nation’s bedrooms. In the meantime, Fuller has devoted himself to his policing duties, and to completing his highly-anticipated eBook, Mick Fuller’s Complete Guide to Romance, Seduction and Foreplay.
Prime Minister Scott Morrison has appointed former rugby league player Jarryd Hayne as the federal Minister for Women due to Hayne’s dedication to gender equality. The appointment ensures that the Liberal National Party will always contain one male member who is under investigation for sexual assault.
Morrison persuaded Hayne to join the coalition during a prayer service at Hillsong Church.
“How good is Jarryd Hayne,” Morrison gloated while announcing the appointment.
“You know I love my footy, and I love Jarryd, even though he never played for the Sharkies,” he smirked.
“But no, in all seriousness, I’m very excited to announce Mr Hayne as the new Minister for Women because he is a great role model for young Australian men, who has a great empathy for women. For that reason, I approached him during intermission at one of Hillsong’s rock concerts and asked him to join us in Canberra.”
“What’s more, Jarryd just got married. First of all, congratulations. Secondly, he is now able to empathise with women because he has a wife. I ask Jenny for advice, and Jarryd can ask Amellia for advice.”
Hayne will begin his new role immediately and his first task will be to recount his experiences in the United States.
“We know Jarryd spent time trialling for the NFL,” explained Morrison. “What you might have forgotten is that he was also accused of sexual assault in the US and the matter was settled out of court. Therefore, he will brief the LNP on how to settle a sexual assault case out of court, and how to make everyone forget the alleged incident ever happened.”
Hayne was equally excited about the new role.
“I love women,” he stated.
“I really love them – Aussie women, American women, I love them all, so when Scotty asked me to be his Minister for Women, I said yes straight away. Plus, I don’t do much these days since I can’t play NRL – so at least it’s one way to pass the time.”
Hayne will work alongside a special group formed in response to recent allegations of sexual assault and bullying of women in parliament house. The group contains politicians such as Christian Porter, Barnaby Joyce, Peter Dutton, Alan Tudge and George Christensen, and will report directly to Morrison – except when the prime minister needs to claim plausible deniability.