Bondi Junction locals have finally embraced the controversial new development on Oxford Street after realising that it will fill the Eastern Suburbs with more dogs and renovation.
The 38-million-dollar apartment complex to be constructed at Oxford St and Nelson St was initially greeted with fierce opposition, but residents changed their tune after Westgate BJ Pty Ltd belatedly explained that it combines the two great loves of the region.
Thanks to the development, paradise on earth will finally become doggy heaven.
The tower will bring 1001 dalmations to the suburb and nearby Centennial Park, and multiply the number of professional dog walkers who have colonised the wooded area beneath the reservoir. There is no way rangers will be able to keep this many pooches on leash inside the park, and owners will have claimed yet another public space in the East.
The shadow cast by the tower will also offer pleasant respite for doggy picnics and doggy dates as Sydney summers become dangerously hot in the coming years.
A flurry of furry friends will occupy cafes, beer gardens and other eateries as we battle the next violent strain of the pandemic, and further debate over big and little dog parks will prevent our public officials from discussing any other pertinent issue. Meanwhile, Eastgate will welcome little dogs in all of its shops, and big dogs are invited to do their window shopping at Westfield.
Westgate also explained that construction vehicles will steal the precious parking spots in the junction, and road closures to rival a royal funeral will fuel first-world rants on community Facebook pages.
During the endless months of construction, parents can work from home to the sound of jack hammers, industrial drills and beeping trucks in a desperate attempt to pay the exorbitant school fees which previously afforded them a few hours of daily solitude.
Best of all, though, is the chance to critique the colour scheme, materials and overall aesthetic direction of the tower’s design during dinner parties, school pick up and play dates, with all the vitriol of a judge on The Block – while secretly cataloguing those features for your next renovation.
Locals were excited to learn that apartment owners will bring another truckload of tradies to pimp their pad the moment it is completed. They were also placated by the knowledge that upon the cutting of the ribbon, Eastern Suburbs residents won’t need to visit the Burj Khalifa, because even its huge aquarium is no match for Clovelly Beach.
Finally, it was entirely remiss of Westgate not to highlight the greatest advantage of the new high-rise tower, which is the chance for locals to acquire yet another investment property.
First published in The Beast magazine, December 2022.
Image: Westgate BJ Pty Ltd