Buffed gym bros will be banned from Bondi Beach under Waverley Council’s plan to rid the beach of testosterone.
Council has created a new group of Rangers called Weights Watchers to enforce the new ban on free weights at the popular outdoor exercise area at north Bondi.
Safety was cited as the main reason for the ban, but furious fitness fanatics believe it was introduced following accusations of excessive testosterone and masculinity emanating from the predominantly male users of the space.
The sculpted sorority initially attempted to circumvent the ban by bench pressing each other, but saw their hard-earned gains disappear in days. They are up in arms that the proposed reality TV series Bondi Bromance has been canned, and fear a secret agenda is behind the impending changes.
Replacing the free weights will be a safe daily morning circle in which participants will be asked to nominate three values for the day, or if this is too threatening, to point to one of the posters espousing positive affirmations.
A rainbow motif will adorn the space, and every participant will receive an attendance medal, relieving them of the arduous task of pretending to have run the City2Surf.
“Come and join the inauguration party at the beginning of summer,” beamed a spokesperson from council.
“Watch the E-Sports tournament, join the Labubu Tea Party and enjoy the free bubble tea, macrons, and red velvet cupcakes. Then, be sure to stick around for the concert featuring Sam Smith and Korea’s most androgynous superstars BTS!”
Gym bros are not so excited.
“They wanna replace dumbbells with dumb belles,” roared one member of Team Testy, the coalition of pectoral muscles advocating for the beautiful boys. Another member asked whether he would now have to join a run club to score a date, while some online comments hint at a deeper conspiracy.
A Reddit sub-thread revealed secret plans to lace Team Testy’s protein shakes with oestrogen. Once their man boobs start lactating, this will be bottled and sold as Bondi Milk. The emasculated muscle men will then be sporting bras and chest tattoos reading My Blubber’s Keeper.
Furthermore, every male visiting the beach must cover themselves from wrists to ankles while out of the water, except for Lifeguards, who will save drowning swimmers with their masculinity alone.
But all is not lost for Bondi’s ripped residents. They will be employed to hold up the cliffs above Bronte Beach during the summer months and have been invited to discuss the decline of Aussie masculinity with the rotund male hosts of Sky News. They will then be packed onto a ferry at Circular Quay to put the man into Manly.
Image: Norbert Buduczki
First published in The Beast Magazine, December 2025.
kieranblakewriter 