Residents of the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney are being encouraged to wee on a tree in support of the plan to move all public toilets to Blacktown.
The sanitary abominations are not befitting of the Eastern Suburbs and will all be removed after Paddington residents halted the installation of a facility between a hardware store and a telecommunications building, insisting that something so ‘fugly’ belonged in the much-maligned suburb in Sydney’s west.
Claims that the plan stinks of elitism, nastiness and vilification were ignored, and soon every amenity from Vaucluse to La Perouse will be knocked down or converted into something far more sensitive, and the toilets will all be reinstalled in Blacktown.
Concerns were also raised that the toilet would attract drug users.
“Drugs should never be consumed in public toilets,” stated one resident on social media,
“They should always be consumed in bars, private yachts, rooftop terraces and corner offices.”
The Oxford Street toilet was designed to stop fans from spilling out of Allianz Stadium and spilling their innards onto the street. Without any public toilets in the East, we will all have to spill our innards onto the street and that is why we’re being encouraged to wee on a tree.
“Once all the toilets have been removed from the region, we will initiate part ‘two’ of the plan,” began a joint statement from local councils.
“Residents and visitors can simply answer the call of nature on the street, then scoop it up with a doggy bag before placing it in a bin. Extra bag dispensers and bins will be provided, and the human and pet waste will be trucked to Blacktown and inserted in one of the many toilets that will litter the suburb.”
From now on, it won’t just be drunken football fans, or drunken footballers, who can wee on a tree or poo on their shoe.
Militant locals want to take the plan further. They want to remove toilets from homes and pubs as well and have this waste sent out west. This will allow them to convert the smallest room in the house into something far more glamorous.
“Furthermore, pub patrons can pee straight into the Fosters kegs, and the pipes which currently transport household waste into the ocean can be converted into Sydney’s most exciting water slide,” they enthused.
Authorities were equally excited about the benefits for Blacktown.
“Blacktown will now host the Big Toilet.”
“The giant structure on Main Street and Newton Road will dwarf the other facilities and will become a bona fide tourist attraction which will revitalise the suburb. Visitors can also enjoy the toilet treasure hunt and collect a stamp at every toilet in their souvenir booklet.”
First published in The Beast magazine, April, 2025
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