Pool Pop heads a raft of protests designed to prevent outsiders from infiltrating the Eastern Suburbs this summer.
Loyal locals will pop the Pop Up Pools that are slated to appear in parks and playing grounds throughout the region, in order to protect our patch of paradise.
“Authorities want to make water activities accessible to everyone, not just those that live near a beach,” began a statement from Party Poppers.
“Therein lies the issue. We live in the East to avoid contact with ‘everyone’ and Pop Up Pools negate the central tenant of wealth and privilege.”
Party Poppers invite every man, woman and child to join their crusade to pop every pool before it is opened to the masses. They are united under the slogan,
Not a Drop, Poppity Pop!
Pop Up Pools are described as fancy kiddie pools, and protest leaders claim they can be easily popped with nothing more than a kitchen knife, corkscrew, spearfishing gun or pitch fork. Organisers also guarantee the family-friendly protest will be enjoyable as well as constructive.
“Watching the water gush out of the pool is as satisfying as watching the Westies sulk home with deflated dreams.”
Two further proposals compound the threat to our livelihood.
Camp Cove residents risk being stripped of their parking privileges to compensate for the public works at Nielsen Park, and may be forced to share their beach with everyone. This aligns with the mission to create Pop Up Pools so that families can enjoy a day in the water without having to reach into their pockets, to which the Camp Cove crew replied,
“If you can’t pay, stay away.”
Locals believe the proposals are a direct consequence of previous government policy failures, including the BPass and the Westie Wall.
The BPass is the Bondi Passport, a document issued only to verified members of the suburb’s inner sanctum who earned exclusive access to the best of Bondi. The BPass is no longer in use.
Also reported in this publication was the Westie Wall. This broken promise was to be erected along the length of Anzac Parade to keep the Westies out west. In its stead lies the much-maligned South East Light Rail.
Without the Westie Wall and the BPass, anyone can enter the Eastern Suburbs, and the Pop Up Pools will give them more reason to do so.
Meanwhile, regional private schools have been asked to open their swimming pools to the public during the holiday period. The perturbed privateers spoke of the deep emotional trauma inflicted upon their children should they learn that hordes of untouchables had sullied their sacred waters, and declared,
“Taxpayers fund our facilities, they don’t use them.”
First published in The Beast magazine, December 2023.
kieranblakewriter 