The Woollahra establishment has rejected yet another project aimed at the young and mobile.
Locals are opposing the construction of a skate park at Rushcutters Bay Park, not long after ridding the park of kayaks, and rejecting a local cycle path.
Opponents object to the loss of green space, as well as graffiti and excessive noise, while claiming the amenity will attract paedophiles and drug dealers.
“Paedophiles will now haunt the park, because young people don’t go to church anymore,” warned a spokesperson for Wealthy Old Woollahrans Steadfastly Eroding Rights of Skateboarders (WOWSERS).
“Also, kids should never take drugs. They should wait until they’re working in finance – the quality is far superior.”
WOWSERS are adamant that they have no issue with skateboarding.
“We love Tony Hawk, and we all watched The Search for Animal Chin a thousand times on VHS. It’s the fine print we object to.”
Users will be required to register their visit via an App, and to boast a minimum number of combined followers across multiple social media platforms in order to skate. Increasing said number of followers must also be the sole intention for undertaking the session.
In addition, users must wear a helmet, knee guards, elbow guards, wrist guards, mouthguard, sunscreen, repellent and a personal locator beacon, as well as a GoPro mount. Skaters must bring a signed permission note from a parent or guardian, and a waiver from their lawyer absolving council of any liability in the case of an accident which results in physical, mental or emotional harm.
Before so much as an ollie can be performed, users must also promise not to bring any snacks containing nuts, lactose, gluten or other allergens, and must instead bring their own medication for ADD, ADHD, ODD, CD, stress, anxiety and depression.
“There’s also a rumour that the park will be an AIS satellite training facility for future Olympians, so that rules out anyone over 13.”
Woollahra Council is concerned that further delay tactics could see WOWSERS’ tombstones replace the halfpipe, and thus responded with a number of suggestions in the spirit of compromise.
During school days, safety, technology, allergy and social media regulations will be waived. Eastern Suburbs councils will provide free seniors transport to the park, as well as endless refills of coffee and soft-serve ice cream.
Tuesday will be Ladies Day, and ladies can drop in from the small ramps, while one suggestion will surely placate every current opponent.
Wealthy Wollahrans can buy the facility, negatively gear it against existing investment properties and charge young people to use it, thus ensuring local youth never enjoy harbourside views from atop their skateboard or from the comfort of their lounge chairs.
First published in The Beast magazine, August 2023
Image: Tom Morbey
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