Dogs are more than pets. They’re companions, playmates and valued family members, and that’s why Eastern Suburbs councils have combined to create Sydney’s first Canine Carnivale.
Canine Carnivale promises an eternity of inclusive family-friendly activities and endless tributes to our four-legged friends throughout the East. Keep an eye out for the following spectacular activities:
Best On Show
A fashion show with a twist. At Canine Carnivale, it is the puppy parents who take centre stage, strutting the catwalk in designer-label active wear, costly casual or Mr Business attire, with the following compulsory accoutrements:
A Neckleash, designed for fashion not function.
Neckleash is a registered trademark of Eastern Suburbs Canine Carnivale.
An all-consuming smart phone or ear piece.
A ruffle hem of doggy bags, which will never see the inside of a garbage bin.
And, most importantly, an air of arrogance, condescension, entitlement and utter disregard for fellow citizens.
Doggy Deathmatch
The Sydney Football Stadium will be demolished, again, and rebuilt, again, but not for the next NSW state election. This time it will return as a Roman Colosseum to host Doggy Deathmatch.
The region’s most vicious dogs will be unleashed in gruesome fights to the death, and the last beast standing will face off against Thor. Thor is the reincarnation of Jai Arrow’s beloved Staffordshire terrier. While under the care of fellow Rabbitoh, Liam Knight, Thor ripped the fur off a mini schnauzer at Bronte Beach, and later mauled a greyhound to death on the NSW Central Coast. Thor is short-priced favourite for Doggy Deathmatch, so after demolishing the last canine, he will entertain fans in bouts against passing joggers, young children and Paul Gallen.
Wee Hours
The Wee Hours concert will take place on multiple random evenings throughout the year, and involves a suburb full of dogs barking ‘animandosi’ until the wee hours.
Mackenzie Madness
Pooch parents will attempt to set a new Guinness World Record for the most off-leash dogs crammed into a prohibited area with a fragile marine ecosystem.
“This record simply must belong to the nation with the world’s highest rate of native mammal extinction,” stated event organisers.
Hotscotch
Another twist on a classic. Barefoot competitors must navigate their way through a football field full of dog poo and bindis before attempting to score a try with a punctured football covered in saliva.
Canine Carnivale also includes informative workshops on trend forecasting and literacy. Learn how to raise a gender-neutral dog, where to find the best dog massages, and how to use phrases such as “he’s just playing” and “he won’t hurt you”.
Canine Carnivale runs until every open space in the East is rendered inaccessible to the general public.
First published in The Beast magazine, February 2023.
kieranblakewriter 