Hundreds of Australians will escape punishment for serious crimes after the New South Wales government introduced a controversial new law which protects criminals with links to the First Fleet.
“We are protecting Australia’s proud heritage,” announced a spokesperson for the coalition of conservative politicians and special interest groups.
“Our law will protect any Australian who can prove that their bloodlines go back to the First Fleet, which began the peaceful settlement of Australia in 1788. Any person with direct links to convicts, free settlers, sailors or officers who sailed with the First Fleet, will escape punishment for any crime or any act which damages Australia, from here until eternity.”
In practical terms, defendants will need only sing “Too-ral, li-ooral, li-addity…” in court in order to be tried under the new law – before submitting to a DNA test or printing out the results of their search on Ancestry.com. Upon proving their bloodlines, they will walk free.
Everyday Aussies were horrified to learn that murderous, dangerous criminals, whose numbers continue to multiply, will escape any punishment for even the most serious crimes, simply because their bloodlines can be traced back to the First Fleet.
In response, the architects of the law explained its origins and justification.
“The law was inspired by members of our group who are fighting to protect feral horses in Kosciuszko National Park, in the New South Wales alpine region. Feral horses, also called Brumbies, are being protected, and one of the reasons is that these horses can trace their bloodlines back to the first horses brought to the country by Australia’s first settlers. Australia was never home to horses, and all of our horses are introduced.”
Defenders of the horses claim they are integral to Australia’s heritage, and so are people with blood relatives on the First Fleet.
Opponents of the new law argue that criminals should not be allowed to kill without consequences, just as feral horses should not be able to continue killing countless native Australian species of plants and animals.
Supporters of the new law replied:
“If destructive horses can be protected, despite destroying this country, then destructive people should also be protected, despite damaging the country with their criminal behaviour.”
“Plus, famous Aussie writers and poets wrote songs and poems about convicts and members of the First Fleet, and this alone justifies the protection of these modern-day criminals.”
Proponents of the new law then celebrated its enactment with a stirring rendition of ‘Bound for Botany Bay’.
The law will be implemented immediately, and will allow thousands of criminals to live freely in the state and continue with their destructive behaviour.