The Cronulla Sutherland Sharks rugby league club is searching for a new no. 1 ticket holder in anticipation of Scott Morrison losing the next federal election.
The prime minister became the club’s number 1 ticket holder in 2016 in order to win favour with the voters of The Shire, but will have no more need for the club if he loses the seat of Cook at the upcoming election.
“Scotty’s on his way out,” confirmed a club spokesperson, “so we need to find someone else to be our no.1 ticket holder. No one wants him anymore, and we’re pretty sure he won’t want us after the election, even if he makes it to the next election.”
Morrison became a familiar sight at Sharks home games in recent years, drinking a beer and smiling in his team kit. The photo opportunities helped to convince the people of The Shire that he was one of them, when in fact he grew up in Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs and only moved south to earn pre-selection for the safe Liberal seat.
“People like to call him The Liar From The Shire, but the biggest lie is that he’s not even from The Shire.”
“Sure, lots of us were fooled by the PR spin at first,” continued the spokesperson, “but it’s hard not to be when the whole NewsCorp network is promoting him. But now we see through him. We all see the lies, the incompetence, arrogance, insincerity, bullying, corruption, double standards and mismanagement of him and his party.”
What’s more, an increasing number of residents in Sydney’s south are learning that Morrison used a dirty smear campaign against another candidate, run through the Murdoch press, to win pre-selection for the seat in the first place.
Club bosses expect Morrison to lose the seat of Cook later this year and to turn his back on the club as soon as it no longer serves his needs.
“Scotty might go back to the Eastern Suburbs or impose himself on another electorate, and another footy team, who knows. All we know is that we don’t expect him to be loyal to our club, I mean, look what he did to Malcolm.”
Sharks directors and members have made a tentative start to the search for a new no.1 fan, and have researched the no.1 ticket holders of other clubs in Australia’s major football codes.
“Penrith Panthers had Mark Geyer at one point, and Perth Glory had Dawn Fraser. West Coast Eagles had Sam Kerr, Richmond were with Ash Barty. St Kilda even got Eric Bana, but we got stuck with Scotty.”
Members expressed a degree of shame and regret at appointing Morrison to the position in 2016, but saw the advantage of him turning his back on the club.
“At least we won’t have to put up with that smirk every time we attend or watch a home game.”
Sharks members will be contacted soon to nominate a new no.1 ticket holder with a more legitimate claim for the position.