Parliament House in Canberra will host the Mad Monday celebrations for Australia’s major football codes in 2021 after it was revealed to be a den of iniquity.
So many reports of scandalous behaviour are emerging from the nation’s seat of power on a daily basis that players from sports such as the NRL, AFL and Super Rugby have booked the venue for their annual end-of-season parties.
“Mad Monday is every Monday!” exclaimed a combined statement from representatives of the football codes organising the festivities.
“Parliament House is where it’s at boys!- anything goes. We can get on the piss, anywhere, we can bring in some hookers, get high, get stoned, come and go any time of the day or night. But best of all, we’ll get away with it!” explained Brendan Fevola.
The excitement among current and former players was palpable on group chats, as attendees realised they could turn back the clock to the glory days of Mad Monday and bonding sessions without pesky photographers, no-fault stand down rules, fines, suspensions – or any consequences for their behaviour.
“We can sink a thousand beers and pull a chick, any chick,” wrote an excited Toby Rudolf.
Players like Adam Elliott, from the NRL Bulldogs, are excited that they can get naked and dance on tables without appearing on the front page of a newspaper. Others like Tyrone May, Dylan Napa and Corey Norman are looking forward to making or distributing sex tapes without fear of punishment.
“How’s the WiFi?”, asked Israel Folau, who is determined to spread damaging misinformation via social media just like LNP member Craig Kelly, while racist players wanted to know if they could access Pauline Hanson’s office.
Mark Gasnier, Jonathon Patton and Shaun Kenny-Dowall were also interested in the quality of reception, because they guarantee they can match any of the lewd messages and pictures that MP Michael Johnsen sent to a sex worker. Sam Newman, meanwhile, is a big fan of the general depravity and rampant misogyny.
Players like Mitchell Pearce were making dibs on the offices of Christian Porter and Barnaby Joyce so they could commit adultery with young women and keep their substantial salaries, while Jayden Okunbor and Corey Harawira-Naera wanted to know if any high schools were likely to be visiting the seat of government in October this year.
Jack de Belin and Tristan Sailor, meanwhile, expressed their delight that players accused of rape will not end up in prison, lose their job or even be suspended.
“If only I’d been a politician,” they commented via their lawyers.
Parliament House will replace Hillsong Church in Sydney as the host of the famously wild party in 2021.
“Hillsong was great, but it’s not an option anymore”, explained one of the chief organisers, ex-AFL star Ben Cousins.
“We got that venue last year because ScoMo (Scott Morrison), Jarryd (Hayne) and a heap of other players have connections there. But Jarryd’s probably gonna be in prison later this year, and Scotty might not last much longer as PM, so the church isn’t an option. Manase Fainu kept tryin’ to tell us that a church is great place to have a party but, nah, we realised Parliament House was rockin’ this year.”
Politicians and their staffers have been invited to join the players and have promised to guide the football heroes to locations such as the prayer room, the office of Linda Reynolds and the bar.
Image: Aditya Joshi