Prime Minister Scott Morrison has ordered every single Australian adult male to marry in mass wedding ceremonies in order to improve attitudes towards women in Australia.
The shock decision follows Morrison’s confession that he gained greater empathy for an alleged rape victim within his own party after speaking with his wife Jenny.
“Only a man with a wife can understand women,” the Prime Minister stated.
“Only a man with daughters can understand women. For that reason, every single Australian man aged 18 and over will be forced to marry a woman and produce at least one daughter.”
The mass weddings will take place at Hillsong mega churches throughout the country and will resemble the famous Holy Marriage Blessing Ceremonies of the Unification Church in South Korea, in which hundreds of couples marry under the direction of the Reverend Moon and his wife.
“Mass weddings will remove Australian men from the lineage of misogynistic patriarchy and into empathetic and open-minded lineage. As a result, the husband, and even any sons produced by that marriage, will exist free from the consequences of misogyny,” Morrison explained.
“This is what happened to me. I had no idea how to react to news that a young female staff member within my party had allegedly been raped, which is why I did nothing about it for such a long time. Then I spoke to Jenny and she reminded me that I had daughters, and that I should think about them when I discussed the incident with my staff.”
“Before Jenny spoke to me, I thought daughters were just for photo opportunities.”
The first mass ceremony will be held at Morrison’s own church, Horizon Church in the Sutherland Shire of Sydney, and will involve straight men, gay men and trans men. The Christian ceremony will also be compulsory for men of other faiths and those who identify as atheist or agnostic. Only men serving prison sentences will be exempt from the mass weddings. Like Reverend Moon, Morrison will personally match all of the couples.
Morrison was asked if single women have a choice in whether to marry.
After the mass weddings, couples will be forced to try for children, and to use any conceivable method to produce daughters. Staff from the Prime Minster’s Office will conduct random and regular checks on all couples.
“The second son of any family which does not have daughters will be forced to undergo gender conversion therapy,” stated Morrison.
Morrison was optimistic that the program would create a nation of men with more empathy for women.
“It’s funny you know, I paid an empathy coach $190,000 but I still didn’t develop any empathy for women in this country.”
Image: Drew Coffman