One fine day in the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney, Australia.
Bob: G’day, sorry I’m late, big night last night.
Bill: No worries. Are we gonna make it on time?
Bob: Yeah, we should. That light’s still green, hold on.
Bill: Nah, that’s definitely red.
Bob: Oy, watch where you’re going you clown, get off the road!!! Bloody cyclists. I hate cyclists.
Bill: Hate, that’s a strong word.
Bob: Yeah, I bloody hate cyclists.
Bill: Hate? – you hate terrorists.
Bob: Yeah, but at least terrorists kill their own…
Bill: Hate? – you hate drug dealers.
Bob: Well, not necessarily, especially after last night, man, what a buzz.
Bill: Hate? – you hate murderers
Bob: Yeah, but I could murder a kebab right now.
Bill: Why do you hate cyclists?
Bob: They ride on the road
Bill: Isn’t that because they’re not allowed to ride on the footpath?
Bob: Yeah, but they should just ride on the cycle paths.
Bill: True, but sometimes there are no cycle paths, or the cycle paths just stop.
Bob: So, that’s not my fault, I didn’t build the cycle paths. Oh, wait, there’s a bottle-o, I forgot to bring something, mind if I pull over?
Bill: No, go for it.
Bob: Won’t be a sec.
Bill: Hang on, did you just park over a cycle lane?
Bob: Yeah, so what – they can just ride around me.
Bill: What, onto the road?
Bob: Nice drop this.
Bill: Bob, I still don’t get it, why do you say you HATE cyclists?
Bob: Mate, they’re grown men…in LYCRA.
Bill: I suppose you wear jeans or footy shorts when you go to the beach.
Bob: Piss off!!!
Bill: But HATE, it’s such a strong word, I mean, you hate politicians, that’s fair enough.
Bob: You bet, especially those bloody Greenies, building cycle paths everywhere, waste of taxpayers’ money.
Bill: What about politicians in lycra?
Bob: The worst
Bill: I could understand if you hate paedophiles.
Bob: Of course I do, they’re scum…Then again, how do you know he did it? I mean, do you still think he’s guilty?
Bob: Well, an ex-PM vouched for him, and I was listening to the radio the other day and that guy, what’s his name, he reckons he was never guilty.
Bill: But I still don’t understand why you HATE cyclists.
Bob: They cause traffic jams.
Bill: Surely cars cause traffic jams, plus, if more people cycled, there’d be less traffic. Anyway, do you think we’ll make it on time
Bob: Yeah, no worries, we’ll cut through Centennial Park.
“Bill, Bob, Hi, so glad you could make it.”
Bob: Hi, sorry we’re late, traffic was murder.
“No worries – you’re just in time. Come and join us, we’re all going for a ride.”
First published in The Beast magazine, February 2021.
Image: Roman Koester