AFL players have staked their claim for The Homoerotic Footballer Award after a series of incidents involving intimate touching of teammates during and after games.
Players from various clubs have been caught on camera fondling each other’s private parts during breaks in play or post-match celebrations, and have just revealed their motivations for doing so.
The players are fighting to ensure that AFL wins the highly prestigious award which acknowledges the promotion of homoeroticism in men’s professional football.
The most recent nominees for the 2020 edition of the award are Christian Petracca and Jayden Hunt from the Melbourne Demons, Dan Butler from St Kilda Saints, and Richmond Tigers trio Jayden Short, Jack Riewoldt and Nick Vlastuin.
“We want to win this for the AFL,” stated Butler.
“That’s why we gave our teammates a good fondle and made sure it was caught on camera.”
“Contact sports like AFL, Rugby League and Rugby Union have always been excuses for men to play out their homoerotic fantasies,” explained Petracca, who was caught fondling teammate Jayden Hunt.
“We’re just continuing this tradition,” explained Hunt “…and touching up your mate in a team huddle is just a healthy part of the game – always has been.”
The players then outlined their desire to see one of their own take out a major cross-code sporting award for once.
“NRL players have a stranglehold on these types of awards, and we’re sick of it,” stated Riewoldt.
“They’re masters of off-field scandals like public drunkenness and urination, sexual harassment and even rape, and even though AFL players have been pretty good at this stuff, we’ve never won a prize like The Frownlow Medal. The closest we got was Karmichael Hunt but he was a league and union player too so that doesn’t really count.”
NRL players have not supplied a contender for The Homoerotic Footballer Award this year and have been inactive since John Hopoate stuck his finger where the sun don’t shine during a game in 2001. Hopoate made a TikTok video joking about the incident earlier this year but the lame video was not enough to challenge the AFL player’s for the award.
Petracca and friends also provided more context for the sudden rise in touch ups being caught on camera.
“Lockdown,” they claimed.
“We’ve been locked up for so long, especially in Victoria/ Melbourne, the home of AFL. We just couldn’t keep our hands off each other once we got back to playing again. I mean, I love this bunch of boys so much that I just had to show my love for them,” said Vlastuin.
“That’s right, I mean, you can have a fun time with your partner or your flatmate during lockdown,” continued Short “but that gets a bit boring after a while so you need to add some variety – and there’s nothing like the bond you develop with a bunch of legends like the boys in a footy team, I mean, you just can’t replace it.”
The players also explained that the lockdown denied them the opportunity to invite their teammates to watch or join in every time they had a sexual encounter with a woman, and that this violates the code of professional footballers.
The remaining rounds of the regular season and the approaching finals in both the NRL and AFL will determine who wins The Homoerotic Footballer Award in 2020.