Desperate parents have inundated BallKid Colleges throughout Australia with enrolment requests after witnessing the behaviour of ballkids at the Australian Open Tennis tournament.
Phone lines lit up at 9am this morning as parents attempted to secure the few remaining positions for the 2018 academic year at the educational institutions which promise to teach every teenager to behave like a tennis ballkid.
“The Colleges turn lazy, apathetic, self-entitled, disrespectful, surly, rude, monosyllabic teenagers into model citizens,” explained Kay, who was beaming after managing to reserve a position for her 14-year-old son at BallKid College in Melbourne.
“After a year at the College, the boys and girls start behaving like ballkids. They’re attentive, obedient, enthusiastic, patient, respectful, disciplined, dedicated, polite and so eager to please – it’s amazing.”
Son Kaelen was a little less excited at the prospect, especially after collecting the uniform, consisting of a long sleeve shirt, which must remain tucked-in, and a very flattering legionnaires cap.
“Ueuuegghh,” he grunted.
This morning’s sudden flood of enrolments was not altogether unexpected, according to BallKid Education Executive Director, Yvonne Strickter.
“With the Australian Open taking place in the lead up to the new academic year, it is common for our Colleges to receive last minute enrolments from parents who have spent six weeks of the school holidays in close proximity to their adolescent children.”
“This year was more popular than previous years, though. We believe this was due to two factors. One was the fact that Nick Kyrgios was eliminated, which made many parents more inclined to tune into the final week of the tournament. The second and more persuasive factor was the victory of Roger Federer in the men’s tournament last night.”
“Roger is the epitome of class and is the standard by which we measure our students,” Strickter continued.
“In fact, the Federer package is our most sought after educational pathway. Admittedly, it is notably more expensive than our other programs, but this is simply due to the amount of training required to convert the average teenager into a person capable of emulating Mr. Federer’s character.”
Current and former parents speak in glowing terms of the Colleges.
“I had a Kyrgios, now I have a Federer,” explained Graham, whose son graduated from BKC Sydney in 2017.
Megan’s daughter, meanwhile, spent two years at BKC Brisbane.
“The transformation is unbelievable. She can’t wait to clean her room and do her homework. Even when I cook, she stands bolt upright in the kitchen and hands me vegies, sauces, utensils, my glass of wine and a hand towel, before I even know I need them. She wipes up every tiny spillage and turns the pages of the recipe book for me.”
Paul from Adelaide recounted a similar experience.
“When my daughter, who’s now 17, was at the local school, all her friends would try to sneak drugs and alcohol into birthday parties that we had here – we had to ban the parties. But now with her BKC friends, they just bring water and mixed sports drinks and line them up beside the chairs.”
“Yes, we had them over for a pool party on New Year’s Eve,” continued his wife Stacey.
“As soon as the kids arrived, they sprinted to the side of the pool in matching costumes and stood there like statues until we gave them permission to jump in. And then, the whole night they kept running over and offering a clean towel to anyone who got out of the pool.”
“The only downside I can think of…” pondered Paul “…is that we can’t get her to take off the legionnaires cap inside, even at night.”
Strickter stated that enrolments at every College throughout the country have now closed and that prospective parents are encouraged to apply for positions for the 2019 academic year.