Grandparents from Clovelly have already claimed victory in this year’s City to Surf thanks to special sleeping pills obtained during a recent holiday in Russia.
The sleeping pills were apparently acquired from a friendly chap named Yevgeniy, who guaranteed their quality.
“He said lots of Russians take them, even the athletes”, explained the couple, who travelled to Russia under the aliases ‘Shirley’ and ‘Col’.
“They should just engrave Mwangi Kipkemboi and Tegla Kangangi on the trophies now, or I could actually do it myself,” boasted Poppa, who along with his better half, is so confident of victory that he registered them both for the famous race using Kenyan names.
“Yevgeniy even advised us on the correct dosage, so we plan to catch the leaders at Rose Bay then attack them halfway up Heartbreak Hill”, they said.
The only perceived impediments to victory appear to be Sydney’s public transport and the couple’s starting position.
Mwengi and Tegla will use their $2.50 Seniors Card to take the 339 into the city and if it arrives on time, they will join the Back of the Pack club.
“We’re giving away some time in the last group, certainly, but once we get past the gorillas and the obligatory ditzy TV reporters, we’ll charge through the field with the help of these special pills.”
The pills avoided detection at Sydney airport as they were hidden inside hand-painted Matryoshka dolls and because they don’t contain plant or animal extracts. The septuagenarians are also confident of avoiding detection from the inevitable ASADA tests upon their certain victory because the tea they drink every day also serves as a masking agent.
Beating the race records held by Steve Moneghetti (40.03) and Suzie Power (45.08), is also a distinct possibility, depending on the weather, and, according to Mwangi, the weather on City to Surf day is always clear and sunny. A course record would also increase the already handsome prize purse, which is providing extra motivation for the ageing but agile athletes.
“These pills weren’t cheap, especially without a state sponsored sports system to pay for them. They were almost as expensive as the entry fee for the race itself.”
The couple’s unbridled confidence and undeniable sporting prowess has prompted the inevitable queries from friends about competing in the 10000m or the marathon in Rio.
“Of course, every distance runner in Sydney is either training for the City to Surf or the Olympics, and the pills would have allowed us to peak for both events, but John Coates from the Australian Olympic Committee explained that Russian stamps in our passports rule out any chance of selection.”