Maroubra’s most famous sons have joined forces with Tony Abbott in a bid to see the former Prime Minister returned to the nation’s top job.
The new alliance is seeking to exploit recent fluctuations at Australia’s political summit and will campaign on the platform ‘Locals Only!’
“We’ve got Tony’s back. He wants Australia for locals only and so do we. Plus, he’s a good bloke and he’d never drop in on anybody” announced a Bra Boys spokesman, who demanded anonymity upon the threat of violence.
“The Bra Boys ardently protect their territorial waters…” declared Mr. Abbott.
“Outsiders, who may be seeking better waves than they can find at their local beach, know that they will meet strong resistance if they launch water craft within the boundaries of Maroubra Beach. This threat alone is often enough to deter people from visiting the beach and this ensures everyone’s safety and wellbeing”, he continued.
“Australia is crying out for this level of patriotic commitment. This is why I approached the boys with a view to forming a coalition that will hopefully see me returned to the role of Prime Minister.”
The secrecy surrounding this surprise announcement explains Mr. Abbott’s reticence to confirm or deny persistent rumours that he was seeking to reclaim the keys to The Lodge.
Finer details of the partnership were hidden among the brash and brawn of the press conference, at which Mr. Abbott and his posse stood bare chested with arms crossed at the main entrance to Maroubra Beach.
It was revealed, however, that true Aussies would be inked with the label ‘My Country’s Keeper’ and that an elite squad called ‘cuzins’ would patrol the thousands of red and yellow flags set to gert the Australian coastline
“…because you’re not allowed boats between the flags.”
The Bra Boys flatly rejected suggestions that the relationship was simply a manifestation of Xenophobia, claiming;
“We’re not afraid of Buddhists. We’re not afraid of no one.”
They also opposed the plan for them to spend a large proportion of the year in Canberra, and for Mr. Abbott to move from his seat of Warringah to live in Maroubra in order to work more closely with his new allies.
“Nah mate, he’s not a local.”
Published in http://www.thebeast.com.au, June 2016.