I don’t love my parents. I have no compassion. I don’t believe in equality and I’m unpatriotic.
I don’t love my Mum. I failed to gush forth my gratitude on Facebook in tribute to her undying love, patience and care which she tirelessly heaped upon me since the day I entered this world.
I neglected to purge my photographic archive and extract photos of childhood birthday parties to accompany my effusive sentiments on Mother’s Day.
So I don’t love my Mum, and social media told me so.
I don’t love my Dad either. I committed the same social crime in September when my IG account was devoid of images of altruism, backyard cricket, bodysurfing lessons and learning to drive.
I have no compassion.
I have not graced my profile pictures or cover photos with the flag of the latest nation to suffer at the hands of natural or man-made disasters, because I have no compassion. I cruelly neglect to participate in the contemporary manifestation of social activism of ‘tweet, post, share, poke, forward, click…and forget.’
From whence did I glean my affliction? Social Media.
I don’t believe in equality.
The basic human rights of people whose sexual orientation denies them the legal right to form a recognised union never colours my thoughts, or my profile photo. Am I homophobic? Social media thinks so.
I am not a patriot. I abstained from retweeting photos of our Rio Olympians in their new (insert brand name) uniforms clutching their new (insert brand name) luggage. But then, I’m unpatriotic.
I am a traitor to my nation. I treacherously omitted from my various social media platforms my disgust at the execution of two of my compatriots who transgressed widely publicised laws in an attempt to profit handsomely from the proceeds of a dirty and destructive trade which is contributing to the societal decay of a nearby Southeast Asian nation.
How dare I? How disgracefully unpatriotic, as social media told me.
I’m all of these things. Yes, I am. I know, because social media told me so.
Am I ashamed, am I proud, will I remain silent lest someone discover my flawed character and defective personality? No, I will proclaim it to the world. I will reveal my tainted self.
I’ll tweet it and post it and share it on social media…