Australian taxpayers will voluntarily and enthusiastically hand over a substantial slab of their hard earned salary to ensure Grant Hackett can fulfill the vital role of mentor at this year’s Rio Olympics.
Aussies will part with their money confident that Hackett’s mere presence will guarantee that every single Australian swimmer wins a gold medal in individual events and relays.
Doubts had been raised as to whether Hackett would retain his position following recent incidents, but Australian Olympic Committee president John Coates was adamant that he will be on the plane to Brazil.
“Grant’s a good bloke…” declared Coates, “…and that’s why we need him on the team.”
Hackett will provide guidance, mentoring and inspiration to swimmers, after he failed to earn a place on the team at the national trials during his unsuccessful comeback.
“Grant will advise on all aspects of performance, including air travel. He understands the need to hydrate during flights and the importance of staying active in order to avoid problems such as DVT and jetlag, which can severely hamper an athlete’s performance.”
“He also understands people, and the Australian swimming team is like one big family, so really, Grant would be like a father or an uncle to many of the young swimmers, if he doesn’t mind me referring to his age…” chuckled Coates, who also responded to criticism of the cost of Hackett’s presence in Rio.
“Olympic gold medals cost money. Simple. The Australian government should be willing to commit any amount of money to programs which help bring a gold medal back to Australia, including the funding of non-competing personnel. Never underestimate the power of a former world record holder wandering around the pool deck all day saying ‘keep up the good work’.
Furthermore, the flow on effect of a gold medal for the entire nation is measurable and tangible, just look at the increasing number of young Aussies who are getting involved in physical activity and avoiding conditions such as obesity.”
Coates was also at pains to reinforce the importance of surrounding young Aussie athletes with mentors of strong character.
“We’re also considering taking my Uncle Tony, because he’s a good bloke.”