Thousands of NSW residents to receive surprise Christmas gifts.

Unvaccinated residents of New South Wales will give Christmas presents to vaccinated locals this year to thank them for granting the anti-vaxxers new freedoms.

Citizens who chose not to get vaccinated against COVID-19 are giving gifts to thank the vaccinated who created the freedoms which unvaccinated people are now enjoying. As of December 15, unvaccinated residents in NSW are allowed to access previously restricted premises such as pubs, cafes and restaurants, as well as entertainment venues, places of worship and other shared indoor spaces, because 90% of eligible residents are fully vaccinated.

“Thanks to the 90% of residents who got the jab, we can now enjoy the same freedoms as them, even though we didn’t get the jab,” explained a spokesperson for the Society for Unvaccinated Patriotic Aussies (SUPA)

“And we’re so grateful to those people that we decided to give them all Christmas presents this year. Without the vaccinated, we would still be locked out of venues – then we’d really have something to claim about.”

A substantial number of residents in NSW chose not to get vaccinated against the deadly virus, for a host of reasons. Their reluctance slowed down the reopening of society and placed fellow residents at great risk, as unvaccinated people are more likely to spread the disease. Many people lost their jobs and were forced onto welfare, and suffered mental health issues due to extended lockdowns. People with vulnerable immune systems, such as babies and the elderly, as well as essential workers, were at heightened risk of illness as a result of unvaccinated people.

Gifts for the vaccinated will range from the usual socks, T-shirts and gift cards, to more tailored gifts such as membership of One Nation and the United Australia Party, Pete Evans cookbooks, and anything sporting a Byron Bay logo – all purchased by Clive Palmer.

Despite the risk they present to society in general, unvaccinated people were recently granted almost all of the freedoms available to vaccinated people in NSW, even as the new Omicron variant emerges and as case numbers surge across the state. Furthermore, case numbers are likely to increase yet again as Australians cut loose and celebrate the Christmas and summer break.

Sydneysider Jeremy was not so excited at the prospect of a gift from SUPA. He lost his grandfather, and has been prohibited from visiting his grandmother for months on end, due to COVID-19.

“I’d rather have healthy grandparents than a pair of socks this Christmas.”

Image: Jess Bailey

Unique strategy to convince thousands of Australians to get vaccinated.

The Australian government has disguised the COVID-19 vaccination booking service as a sports gambling App in an effort to trick reluctant citizens into registering for the jab.

The world-first initiative is being hailed as a creative strategy to fool hesitant citizens into registering for the COVID-19 vaccine, at a time when almost half the nation is in some form of lockdown or even under curfew.

The App is called OddBetter and was developed in order to tap into the enormous popularity of sports gambling in the country.

“Refusing to get vaccinated against COVID-19 is a huge gamble, and OddBetter is a brilliant, creative solution to a complicated problem,” announced the Minister for Health Greg Hunt.

“The world-first initiative will encourage reluctant Australians to get vaccinated, which will in turn allow the country to open up and to return to some form of normal. Sports betting is a popular activity in Australia and this App taps into Australia’s love of sport and our love of a punt.”

The App has the appearance and functionality of a conventional sports betting App. It offers betting choices on a wide range of results in a wide range of sports. It differs from legitimate gambling Apps in that every time a user places a bet, they have actually sent their personal details to the government health system and automatically registered their name for a vaccination for either Pfizer, Astra-Zeneca or Moderna.

“Users will not be charged any money at any stage of this process,” stressed Hunt. “They will be required to register a credit card in order to use the App, like any sports gambling service, but this will be used only to cross reference other personal details and to confirm the user’s identity. Once an identity is confirmed, health authorities will also know if the person has or hasn’t been vaccinated.”

The minister then explained that punters using Odd Better will ‘win’ or ‘lose’ money inside the App, but that this ‘OddBetter currency’ is not real and will not add or subtract from their bank balance in the real word.

“It’s like electronic Monopoly money.”

Of course, finding a way to make people register for a jab is only part of the process.

“Once registered, we still need people to actually turn up and get the vaccination. So, the App has been designed to shut out any user who does not honour their appointment. They will then be advised to show proof of vaccination in order to resume using the App. Also, punters who have already been vaccinated will not receive an appointment notification.”

The minister was asked what had been done to prevent users from simply turning to another gambling site once they are shut out of OddBetter for not being vaccinated.

“Two things. One, we will offer the impossibly good odds on every bet, as well as more options on more sports than any other gambling company – we can do so because our service is not real. Secondly, we know that Aussie punters have an insatiable appetite for gambling – which is why there are at least 70 online gambling sites in the country.”

Hunt was also asked whether announcing the App publicly and writing a press release would expose it’s inauthenticity and thus render it redundant, to which he replied:

“Most anti-vaxxers and vaccine-hesitant people don’t read – they just take all their health advice from social media influencers, or people like George Christensen, Clive Palmer or Craig Kelly.”

Image: Daniel Schludi

Blackheath to play central role in COVID-19 vaccine rollout.

The small town of Blackheath in the Blue Mountains of NSW has been chosen as a storage site for COVID-19 vaccines as authorities continue the national rollout in response to the global pandemic. Blackheath was chosen for one simple reason.

“COVID-19 vaccines must be stored at very cold temperatures,” explained a spokesperson for the federal Department of Health, which is overseeing the rollout.

“And they don’t call it Bleakheath for nothing.”

“Winter temperatures is Blackheath regularly fall below zero and it is not uncommon for the Upper Blue Mountains town to receive a light dusting of snow every year. The bulk of the NSW vaccines will thus be stored in Blackheath, while further quantities will be stored at locations such as Mt Victoria and Bell.”

The federal government is also excited at the prospect of saving millions of taxpayers’ dollars thanks to Blackheath.

“Blackheath’s climate allows us to store the vaccines outside night and day. Thus, there will be no need for expensive refrigeration or costly underground bunkers which require a lot of electricity. We’ll just stick them in a series of freight containers and let nature do the work.”

Authorities were adamant that the storage will not cause any inconvenience to residents, and that Blackheathens should feel an enormous sense of pride in facilitating a rollout which will save lives.

“Residents will see containers pop up in various locations in the coming weeks. They will be clearly marked to identify them as medical storage sites, and will be heavily monitored by security.”

Vaccines stored at Blackheath can easily be transported to the regional hospital in Katoomba, as well as the various medical centres and clinics in the region. The town is also within easy reach of Sydney and even locations such as Lithgow and Bathurst. That said, Lithgow is likely to be served by additional storage centres in Oberon, which is an even better place to store vaccines.

Image: Daniel Schludi

Australia’s gone to the dogs. Part 3.

Australia has gone to the dogs. The nation is one of the world’s major drivers of climate change and is decimating its native wildlife and ecology, and is thus becoming an international pariah. The current government controls its gullible population with marketing spin, and education levels continue to decline. A tiny fraction of the population has been fully vaccinated against COVID-19 and natural disasters arrive one after the other. But all Australians seem to care about are their dogs. Dogs are everywhere – in parks, beaches and cafes, and even public transport and libraries. This country has gone to the dogs.

Vaccine dogs

Dog lovers now have another Instagram account to follow. The account features pets accompanying their owners to COVID-19 vaccination centres in Australia. Sure, it’s a nice distraction from Australia’s shambolic vaccine rollout, which places the nation 101st in the world, but it distracts from the shameful reality. Only 2% of Australia’s population had been fully vaccinated at the time of writing this article, and the city of Melbourne has been plunged into yet another lockdown.

So incompetent is the current federal government in its handling of the pandemic, and the preceding bushfire crisis, that the prime minister’s popularity fell. In response, Scott Morrison was photographed with a cute little dog. 98% of Australia’s population are not vaccinated against a deadly virus, but the prime minister was photographed with a dog and his popularity has since increased. A sure sign of a gullible population. A sure sign of a country that has gone to the dogs.

But wait, there’s more…

Another prominent person was photographed with a dog. Tongan rugby league star Jason Taumalolo played his 200th NRL game for the North Queensland Cowboys recently, and the NRL/ Cowboys PR team arranged for his family to form a guard of honour as he ran onto the field. His dog was included in the guard of honour. An emotional Taumalolo rushed to pat and cuddle his dog (before acknowledging his wife and kids) and social media erupted with compliments for Taumalolo. They’re forgetting the time in 2016 that he was fined for throwing eggs at cars.

A dog’s breakfast

Cafes, beer gardens, picnic areas, barbecue areas, children’s playgrounds, sports grounds and beaches are overrun with dogs these days. Many of these places are officially off limits to dogs. In addition, most accommodation providers are pet-friendly, despite what PetCulture might think.

Strangely, even during the COVID-19 pandemic, when patrons are required to check in, socially distance and use sanitiser, muddy, sweaty, dirty dogs are still allowed to sit next to, or on, the furniture at eateries throughout the country.

Mobile dogs

Dogs have even found their way onto public transport. Guide dogs have always been permitted on public transport, as they should be. Now therapy dogs, or companion dogs, are allowed on buses trains and ferries across the country. Sufferers of mental health issues can now bring their dogs with them, and dogs of any breed, size or temperament can be therapy dogs. Subsequently, inefficient, overcrowded, slow and outdated public transport has been further compromised to satisfy the owners of dogs.

A trip to the Sydney CBD recently highlights the problem. Two young adults boarded an overcrowded bus heading towards the city centre. The tattoos, attire, cigarette breath, vocabulary and general demeanour of the pair suggested a troubled past and a fondness for illicit substances. The dog was some kind of Pit Bull, Mastiff, Bulldog breed – short, muscular and aggressive. It appeared agitated and nervous and its presence clearly concerned the people sitting close to it. As I pondered how this breed classifies as a ‘therapy dog’, I heard the owners say that it had recently become a therapy dog, and that they were taking it to the local shopping mall,

“…to get used to people…”

The couple soon alighted, leaving the bus with the overpowering stench of a sweaty dog.

Image: Gabriel Crismariu