Rushcutters Bay is awash with kayaks as savvy paddlers prepare for the region’s conversion into the world’s first designated underwater village.
Residents had attributed the takeover of local parks to lockdown fads and a lack of storage space in tiny local apartments, but were surprised to hear that the owners are preparing for the impending rise in sea levels which will soon convert the region into an underwater village.
Images of local beaches completely disappearing under massive swells and huge tides confirmed to locals that kayaks and other waterborne vessels will soon replace gas-guzzling cars as the preferred method of transport for residents from Elizabeth Bay to South Head.
The southern harbour region was chosen for the grand experiment for a number of reasons. Residents adhere to a misguided belief that they live in a village, they cling obsessively to the shoreline, they are devoted to renovating and they traditionally vote conservative.
“This is a safe federal Liberal seat, and it is obvious to the educated that the Coalition has become merely a front for the fossil fuel industry. It is thus fitting to carry out this experiment in a region which is both driving climate change and is in line to suffer its effects,” declared a spokesperson for Sydney Underwater Village (SUV).
“The underwater village also guarantees every resident the one thing that brings meaning to their lives – uninterrupted water views.”
Renovation hobbyists will be ecstatic to learn that every house in the region must be refitted for underwater living. Air-tight glass houses will run on wave power and hydro energy, making Australia the first country to make an involuntary transition to renewable energy.
Existing marinas will be augmented to placate Gina Rinehart, and Australians will finally understand why the mining magnate prefers to sponsor water-based sports. Fortunately for locals, their luxury yachts will enjoy even greater tax deductions, and will run entirely on wind power, except at night time.
Daylight saving will be dispensed with and hungry locals will be able to select their dinner as it swims by the window, while local Dads will never tire of telling their kids that underwater living brings new meaning to the term ‘school’. There will be no need to spend hours cleaning the backyard swimming pool, and barnacles will be removed by low-paid migrant workers once their islands are swallowed by the ocean.
Harbourside homes will also serve as prototypes before the initiative is extended to houses overlooking the eastern beaches, and life beneath the surface will deliver two exciting developments to beachside residents:
Surfers will be able to surf from their front door, and locals will finally stop whingeing about car parking.
First published in The Beast magazine, June 2022
Image: Anita Denunzio