Tim Paine in high demand after sexting scandal.

Scott Morrison and Clive Palmer are locked in an epic battle to secure the services of Tim Paine after the cricketer was recently sacked for sexting. The prime minister and the leader of the United Australia Party are desperate for the former national captain to run as a candidate for their respective political parties at the next federal election.

“Tim is perfect for contemporary Australian politics,” announced Morrison as he pitched the Coalition to Paine.

“He is adept at scandalous sexting and mistreating women. Furthermore, he managed to keep it hidden for so many years and this is what impressed us the most. He epitomises the behaviour of the modern Liberal Party member, and he is a sporting hero, so Australians will support him no matter what he does.”

Paine was recently sacked as captain of the Australian test cricket team, which is a more important position than that of prime minister according to many Australians. He was caught sexting lewd, consensual messages to a female administrative colleague – before he was made national captain, but while he was married. Ironically, he was appointed captain due to his clean-cut public image, after the ‘sandpapergate’ scandal resulted in the sacking of the previous captain Steve Smith.

Palmer, the leader of the influential fringe party, believes Paine is better suited to his party.

“Tim’s a great Aussie. He’s a great cricketer, he’s a patriot, he wore the baggy green and he loves his country – and that’s what the UAP is all about. We’re making Australia great again and that’s what Tim did. He improved Australia’s international reputation. It was just a bit of harmless flirting on his phone, just like Warney did – and Warney’s a national hero as well.”

“People say my party’s just a bunch of crazy misfits – but Tim will fit right in here. Plus, if he’s caught mistreating women and sexting as a politician, he won’t be sacked, he’ll be promoted.”

Morrison went on to say that Paine should join the LNP because they can actually form government, before Palmer reminded Morrison that it was the UAP which greatly assisted Morrison to win the unwinnable election in 2019.

“Without me, ScoMo’s nothing,” Palmer declared.

Morrison then reminded Palmer that almost every member of the current LNP government has been involved in some form of corruption or scandalous behaviour, and not one of them has been dismissed, so Paine will be protected.

Paine has so far declined to comment on the offers as he has switched off his phone. Rumours also persist that he has received offers from Pauline Hanson’s One Nation Party and Bob Katter.

Image: Getty Images

Big Brother’s shock location change.

Big Brother has shocked fans with the announcement of a brand new location and contestants midway through the 2021 season. The popular reality TV show will move immediately to Parliament House in Canberra and will feature federal politicians – for one very particular reason.

“Big Brother is now Adults Only,” declared producers when announcing the unprecedented switch.

“Moving the show to Parliament House in Canberra allows us to show explicit content that we have been censured from showing in the past, because the contestants will all be federal politicians who not only engage in depraved, indecent, immoral and disgraceful behaviour, but also enjoy impunity from laws that apply to average Australians, and to contestants of our show in previous years.”

“Nothing can match the backstabbing, manipulation, deceit, dishonesty, vanity and greed of federal politics.”

Viewers can now expect to see contestants masturbating on their opponents’ desks, harassing women, sending lewd texts and naked images, hiring prostitutes for special prayer sessions, and destroying democracy.

“Sex sells, and Parliament House is one giant sex den,” producers explained.

“Plus, this season of Big Brother will last forever. That means higher ratings and more advertising revenue for us. It will last forever because in federal parliament, contestants never get voted off the show, no matter what they do. They could be accused of rape, and they stay on the show. They harass women, they stay on the show. They defend misogynists and masturbators, and they stay on the show. Plus, if they’re members of the LNP, even the public don’t vote them out. Average Australians see how they behave, they have plenty of opportunity to vote them off the show – but they don’t.”

Producers admitted they were surprised the prime minister allowed the show to be filmed in parliament house, because it will expose the ‘reality’ of federal politics. The PM assured them, however, that no matter how disgraceful is the behaviour of the senators, ministers and staff under his watch, he and his party still have the support of the Australian people.

Filming in the halls of power will also save the show money. Reality TV shows are scripted by teams of ‘writers’ who manipulate scenarios to create conflict and tension, and keep viewers hooked, but these ‘writers’ are not needed in the new location.

“Politicians create all the drama by themselves. We don’t have to manipulate anything, so we sacked our writers. The LNP were quite happy about this, because it puts even more local creatives out of work.”

One element fans will recognise is the intruder. Intruders are inserted into the show at specific intervals to stir up the house, and the first intruder of the new 2021 season is LNP Senator Amanda Stoker. Stoker was appointed Assistant Minister for Women, despite numerous comments and actions which support the discrimination of women.

“Stay tuned. Something exciting is about to happen to Amanda,” producers revealed. “We can’t give it away, but we can tell you that she tries to win back pre-selection, and the incident involves a lot of men, and a lot of alcohol.”

As for the original contestants of the 2021 program, who have been booted off without warning, producers said:

“This is TV. Bad luck. Look, they’ll be fine. There’s plenty of other reality TV shows in Australia looking for desperate bogans to entertain other desperate bogans.”

Image: Wikipedia