Australia’s brilliant plan to dominate world Rugby.

Australia will win every Rugby Union World Cup and international game for eternity thanks to a masterful plan guaranteed to fill its teams with the world’s best talent.

Rugby Australia and the Australian government will force Pasifika people to desert their homelands and live in Australia, where they will have no choice but to play for the Wallabies and local Super Rugby teams if they wish to continue enjoying the game they play in heaven.

“We’ll drown their homes,” declared a spokesperson for the government and rugby authorities.

“We’ll continue to drive climate change which is raising sea levels and inundating low-lying Pacific Islands from which most of the world’s best Rugby Union players originate.”

The spokesperson then went on to congratulate Rugby Australia and the current LNP government for forcing so many players from countries such as Fiji, Samoa and Tonga to play for Australia and for Australian Super Rugby franchises.

Many Pasifika players grew up in Australia after their families were forced to seek greater opportunities in the land Down Under, either due to climate change or due to international trade and foreign policies. As residents of Australia, they cannot make these countries into rugby superpowers. The recent success of Tonga in Rugby League suggests these countries could dominate rugby union.

“Without our Pasifika players we would never win a game, at international level or representative level. That’s the reality of international rugby union,” continued the spokesperson.

“The beauty of this plan is that it’s so easy. We just have to continue doing what we’re doing. Keep burning and exporting coal, keep suppressing renewable energy and electric cars, and continue to be the country with the world’s largest per capita carbon footprint. We can simply continue massive land clearing and approving new coal seam gas and coal mines, because this all ensures that ice caps melt and flood low lying islands.”

“When ScoMo talked about a gas-led recovery, he wasn’t talking about the recovery of our economy, he was talking about the recovery of Australian rugby union.”

The plan will guarantee a steady supply of big, strong, fast, agile and skilful players into the Wallabies and Super Rugby teams, and will replace the students of private schools who traditionally played representative rugby in Australia. The same private school boys who become resource company employees and executives, kings of cattle, conservative politicians and directors of financial institutions which invest in fossil fuel companies.

Those behind the plan also hosed down suggestions that players with Pasifika heritage could still be eligible for Fiji, Samoa or Tonga courtesy of their ancestry,

“You can’t play for a country that’s underwater.”

Drowning Pacific Islands could also force many people to emigrate to New Zealand instead, but those behind the plan expressed little concern at this outcome, stating:

“The All Blacks don’t need any help.”

Image: Stephen Tremain

Controversy surrounds Moana Pasifika.

The Moana Pasifika Super Rugby team has decided to boycott its first ever game just hours before kick off in order to protest inaction on climate change. The players from Pacific Island nations are demanding that countries like Australia do more to reverse climate change which threatens Samoa, Tonga, Fiji and the Cook Islands.

“Sea levels are rising and already threatening the homelands of the players which make up this team,” began a statement from the new franchise.

“This is caused by climate change, and climate change is being driven by wealthy countries such as Australia, where we will play many of our games and where some of the players have played and lived for years. We made this difficult decision after much discussion and in order to draw attention to this urgent issue.”

The statement went on to explain how Australia has the highest per capita carbon footprint of any nation on earth and is contributing greatly to the climate crisis. The country, which is home to four Super Rugby franchises, continues to burn and export coal, and is planning to expand the fossil fuel industry.

Furthermore, various members of the new Moana Pasifika team have played for the Wallabies.

“Our players are already seeing the lands of their ancestors adversely affected by rising sea levels. Salt water from the ocean is mixing with fresh water and ruining the crops on which people have relied for generations. If fossil fuels continue to be dug up and burned, entire low-lying islands could be underwater and residents would lose their homes.”

“For this reason, we have put family and country head of the sport we love and decided to boycott our first ever game. We hope the boycott will convince rugby fans and rugby loving politicians to move Australia away from fossil fuels and other destructive practices, and towards a future with renewable energy.”

Players from other Super Rugby teams expressed their support for the stand via social media, as many of them have Pasifika heritage.

In response, Prime Minister of Australia Scott Morrison tweeted a photo of himself in his Cronulla Sharks rugby league jersey.


The perfect candidate for the 18th NRL team.

The NRL would be wise to consider a Pasifika team as the 18th team to enter the competition in the next few years, after recently adding the Dolphins as the 17th team. A team comprising players with Pacific Island heritage would be popular, appropriate and very, very hard to beat.

The Pacific Island nations of Tonga, Samoa, Fiji and PNG have become the new rugby league heartland and continue to supply more and more players to NRL and representative teams. It is estimated that almost 50% of NRL players have Pacific Island heritage. In addition, Rugby League is the national obsession in PNG and NRL players enjoy rock star status throughout the country, while the sport is starting to threaten Rugby Union for supremacy in the remaining three nations.

Every player in the squad would ideally possess Pasifika heritage. It would represent the islands and be based in either Queensland, for geographical reasons, or in Auckland. Auckland has a large Pasifika population, and Kiwi league fans could attend twice as many NRL games in New Zealand.

Isn’t this copying Super Rugby?

Yes. Super Rugby will add Moana Pasifika to the competition in the coming years. This is a good idea, so why not copy it?

A Pasifika team would also allow the NRL to honour the region which is supplying so many of the games best players, players who have elevated and redefined the game. Some games could be played in Pacific Island nations, which helps to grow the sport, and Channel 9 commentators might finally learn to pronounce players’ names correctly.

Would the team be any good?

Read the list of 30 potential squad members below, then consider the names that have been left out, and decide for yourself:

Fullback – Stephen Crichton

Wing – Xavier Coates, Brian To’o

Centres – Waqa Blake, Justin Olam

Halves – Anthony Milford, Jarome Luai

Props – Josh Papali’i, Junior Paulo

Hooker – Api Koroisau,

Back row – Viliame Kikau, Isaiah Papali’i

Lock – Jason Taumalolo

Squad members:

Will Hopoate, Maika Sivo, Kotoni Staggs, Daniel Tupou, David Nofoaluma, Brandon Wakeham, Sio Siua Taukeiaho, Sitili Tupouniua, Tevita Tatola, Moses Leota, Martin Taupau, Addin Fonua-Blake, Siliva Havili, Tevita Pangai Jr, Tino Fa’asuamaleaui, Felise Kaufusi, David Fifita.

Image: Getty Images