The End of Charity Fund Raising

The kind-hearted and generous folk of Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs are hereby advised that all charitable fundraising activities must cease forthwith. Consequently, residents are no longer permitted to organise, or donate to, charitable efforts such as the Wardy Claus Christmas present drive for sick kids. Also prohibited are the annual Mullet Pro at Tamarama Beach raising awareness of mental health issues, and Boards for Bushfires from the Bronte Boardriders. Sophie Smith can no longer Run for Premature Babies, and any other activities designed to harness goodwill for the betterment of the world are outlawed.

The aforementioned charitable undertakings may only resume when:

  • Every royal family, everywhere in the world, abdicates the throne and redistributes their enormous ill-gotten wealth among the great unwashed.
  • Every single cigarette smoker (or vaper) on the planet quits their disgusting, self-indulgent and destructive habit and donates their smoking (or vaping) money to charity.
  • People stop paying $AU90 to have their fur baby receive a massage.
  • Multinational corporations pay the tax they are required, at law, to pay.
  • Corporations return the taxpayer-funded JobKeeper payments they received while recording massive profits during a pandemic. Go!
  • The world’s major religions release the substantial wealth hoarded in sites such as the Vatican, and direct it to the less fortunate: blessed are the poor.
  • Celebrities stop spending $1315 for a dog collar, $550 for a dog leash, and $84,000 on a car for their 9-year-old daughter.
  • The Australian government reverses the decision to spend $500 million to glorify war.
  • Church organisations in Australia stop defending paedophile priests and redirect the exorbitant legal fees to their parishioners throughout the world. Just drop it off at Vinnies.
  • FIFA and the IOC pay every person who works at their major events, such as the 2023 Women’s World Cup, including the volunteers whose work is essential to the conduct of those events.
  • Local politicians replace pink flowers with institutional change next International Women’s Day.
  • Mattias Cormann pays for his own international flights.
  • Fees for the country’s aged-care facilities do not pay for mansions with tennis courts and swimming pools.
  • The most expensive and elaborate building in the village or town of so many developing nations is not the church, synagogue, mosque, temple or other religious house of worship.
  • Australian taxpayers see a return on the $190,000 Scott Morrison spent on an empathy consultant.
  • Parliamentary pensions are paid on merit.
  • NSW Labor politicians stop shopping at Aldi.

In the interim, residents are advised that special dispensation will be given to GoFundMe pages raising money for highly-paid homophobes and reality TV failures seeking social media stardom.

Image: http://www.istockphoto.com

First published in The Beast magazine, July 2021

Are you really surprised the British royal family is racist?

Harry and Meghan’s recent interview with Oprah Winfrey revealed shocking evidence of alleged racism within the British royal family. During the highly-anticipated re-branding exercise on US television, Meghan revealed that senior unnamed figures within the House of Windsor were deeply concerned that their child Archie would have dark skin. Furthermore, Archie’s complexion would apparently preclude him from certain privileges accorded other royal children.

Social media users and commentators were aghast at the revelation.

Are people genuinely surprised that such overt racism exists within the institution which drove the most wide-reaching colonisation of the modern era?

Racism is central to colonisation.

Britain took possession of more indigenous lands than any other European power. This is how English came to be the international language. Those lands were claimed in the name of the reigning King or Queen.

Terra Nullius

Terra Nullius is a salient example of manifested racism, and it was central to colonisation. Terra Nullius means ‘uninhabited land’, and this theory justified the invasion of many lands, including the nation now known as Australia. The premise of Terra Nullius is that the people who inhabited the lands when the British arrived were not people. Defining the original inhabitants in this way allowed the British to invade and steal land that they knew belonged to someone else.

Except the British knew they were people. They saw people in every land they reached. The British interacted with many of them, they established peaceful and constructive connections with some of them – initially. They knew they were people. However, their ingrained racial superiority and dismissal of the cultures of the indigenous people allowed them to plant the Union Jack on inhabited land throughout the world and to claim that land as their own.

In Australia, the Aboriginal people were classified as Flora and Fauna. Yes, people were relegated to the status of plants and animals, and the British royal family was entirely complicit in this action. It was not until 1967 that Aboriginal people were classified as humans, after non-Aboriginal Australians voted in favour of changing the classification during a referendum.

The British royal family encouraged, supported and funded the colonisation of other people’s lands in the South Pacific, South-Eastern Africa, the Caribbean, the sub-continent, South-East Asia and North America. Racism thrived in the royal family during the era of colonisation, and it thrives to this day, in the form of Prince Philip.

The ageing husband of the Queen, and Harry’s grandfather, is famous for his outrageously racist comments, such as:

“If you stay here much longer, you will go home with slitty eyes.” Said to a British student in China in 1986.

“You managed not to get eaten then?” Said to someone who had just hiked across Papua New Guinea.

“How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test?” Said to a Scottish driving instructor in 1995.

“Do you still throw spears at each other?” The Prince to Aboriginal Elder William Brin in Queensland, 2002.

These comments cannot simply be dismissed as the ravings of an unbalanced old man, because he was quite young when he uttered some of them.

The British royal family has a long history of racism, and the justification it used to invade and colonise the lands of indigenous people throughout the world proves the existence of racism.

Harry, Meghan, Oprah and the rest of the world should not be surpirsed.

Senior figures within the royal family were apparently deeply concerned that Archie’s skin would be dark, but at least it proves that he is not inbred.

I Snubbed the Sultan.

The news sent the school into mass panic.

The Sultan was coming.

Teachers and staff rushed madly around the school trying to fix a failed institution in time for the visit of the man who had raised himself to the status of a god among his own people.

Bruneian teachers dashed madly this way and that for weeks in order to impress a man they regarded with an equal amount of reverence and fear.

“Kieran, you’ll be in the official welcoming party for his majesty,” I was told upon arrival.

Oh no, I thought. I Immediately knew I would be the only ‘orangputih’, or foreigner, in the welcoming party and the Sultan would never pass up a photo opportunity with one of the white people who gave his country’s education system the semblance of professionalism.

I also felt like death warmed up after a fitful night’s sleep which ended abruptly at 4.30am when the daily ‘reminder’ blasted through loud speakers. What’s more, I’d been required to arrive at school before 7am, knowing that my afternoon teaching shift wouldn’t start until 12.30, and would end at 5.30pm.

This meant that once the Sultan’s flying photo opportunity had finished, I’d be forced to twiddle my thumbs at school for hours. A morning teacher was occupying my ‘hot desk’, and I was only allowed to physically leave the campus if I got a permission note signed by my head of department and the Principal. On the day of his majesty’s visit, signing a form for a random English teacher would be the last thing on their mind.

In fact, I was more worried about the Sultan’s entourage. From all reports, the Sultan himself was quite a nice, friendly, amiable person – he can afford to be when he enjoys unlimited wealth and power. I was afraid that one of his entourage, including a sycophantic representative of the education department determined to assert their authority and improve their status in the eyes of the Sultan, would ask me a genuine question, and that I would offer a genuine answer. If they’d asked me what I thought of the school, I don’t think I could have resisted saying,

“It’s a joke. It clearly exists to corral teenagers and teach them nothing but obedience to religion and the royal family, and is deliberately underfunded to ensure that the students remain uneducated, because an uneducated population is easier to control”

I don’t think I would have kept my job.

I’d be the only white person in the line up because the only other ‘orangputih’ had drawn on his many years of experience in Brunei and called in sick that day, just as he’d called in sick the previous Thursday when the Sultan was originally supposed to visit. Funny that.

There was no way I was going to risk my job, so I snuck away to a place that I knew no one would find me. How did I manage to avoid any contact with the ruler of the tiny nation and his sizeable entourage?

Quite easily.

I went to one of the normal classrooms. One of the classrooms in which I taught. A classroom with peeling paint, an old blackboard, cracked cement floors, a broken clock, a broken window, no internet reception, no technology, no air conditioning and fans that may or may not work, despite the incessant tropical heat.

Most government schools are like this, and I chose this as my hiding place because the Sultan was never shown the reality of the schools he visited. He was shown the few classrooms with paint on the wall, tiles on the floor, a working computer and functioning air conditioning.

This despite the billions of dollars in oil revenue circulating the Sultanate.

Another peculiarity of the Sultan’s visit was the disappearance of the recycling bins. The coloured bins had been brought to the school only a few weeks earlier. They weren’t really effective because their purpose hadn’t been explained to students who grew up in a country with no recycling and not even local council rubbish collection. In Brunei, if you want to dispose of your household or business rubbish, you pay a private contractor – or just throw it in the bush.

The day before the Sultan’s visit, the bins disappeared. I asked a local Teacher why this happened, and he said it was because they didn’t look nice.

I was thus able to hide out and ignore the Sultan. Despite my thumping headache, I got through marking some homework tasks. Every so often I would poke my head out the door and watch the smiling Sultan being politely gestured towards another polished classroom or polished student.

I noticed some of the other foreign Teachers lining up for selfies and thought about the reaction of some foreigners to the Sultan and the royal family. Many expat Teachers sought selfies for fun. They thought it was a laugh to score a photo with an obscure world leader and share it on their socials. Others, however, seemed to genuinely respect the Sultan. How is that possible? How could an intelligent, educated person from a democratic country genuinely respect a man such as the Sultan? Everyone had to respect him publicly, it was too dangerous not to, but some of them also spoke of him in glowing terms privately.

Why do I dislike the Sultan so much?

I dislike all royalty. Not just because they live a life of luxury off the public purse. Not just because they are born into privilege and never have to work a day in their lives. It’s also because I am a keen student of history and I know how they achieve and maintain power: through cruelty and propaganda.

There are a few specific situations which reinforced my disdain for the Sultan.

The state of the school

As mentioned above, the school was falling apart. It was poorly maintained, it lacked technology and teaching resources, many Teachers are not actually qualified, and it was poorly managed. Bruneian children are not supposed to learn, they are supposed to obey.

The school was also dirty. The cleaners were employed during school hours, so the most they could do was drag a dirty mop around sections of the staff room, before they retired to one of the storerooms for their tea and cake. We would see them huddled together, sharing stories over tea and cake, and they would smile and wave at us without a care in the world. Meanwhile, the dirt and grime festered in the tropical heat.

The cleaners didn’t clean the classrooms. That was the student’s responsibility. The philosophy of inculcating civic responsibility may succeed in Japan, South Korea and Singapore, but not in Brunei. Classrooms were filthy.

Plus, the male students and Teachers shared a bathroom.

Oh, and the sick bay was in the staffroom. Of course, the Sultan was never alerted to these facts on his visits.

The Sultan the Saviour

One story appeared in the national newspaper during my stay. The Sultan was praised for funding the travel and medical expenses of an elderly Bruneian man who needed major surgery in Singapore. The man apparently lived in a squalid shack by the beach and could not afford to pay for the urgent surgery. The newspaper article extolled the virtues of the Sultan who covered the cost of the successful surgery, and showed a photo of the grateful and loyal subject on post-operative recovery in his squalid shack.

Why couldn’t the Sultan pay for the man to live in a decent house after surgery, and why was a Bruneian citizen living in a dilapidated shack in the first place?

The Sultan is one of the richest people, and richest monarchs on the planet, he lives in the world’s largest residential palace, but he hasn’t redirected any of the nation’s oil wealth to a man and his wife who live in a shack.

The reluctant princess

Another story which was told to expats was the story of the reluctant princess. According to popular knowledge, Princess ‘Sarah’ was one of a group of virgins presented to the crown prince Al-Muhtadee Billah for marriage. Apparently, the crown prince chose Sarah who is undoubtedly beautiful and apparently quite intelligent, but is also his cousin. The bride to be, however, did not want to marry the prince or enter the royal family. Thus, her parents tried to whisk her away to Switzerland where she has residence/citizenship courtesy of her mother Suzanne Aeby. The attempt failed, however, when the princess was greeted by security staff at the airport and escorted back to her home, then down the aisle to marry the crown prince. She remains in loyal service to the royal family to this day.

Religious hypocrit

The Sultan is one of the world’s richest men and one of the world’s greatest religious hypocrits. He introduced Sharia law, a strict Islamic law, into his country in 2013, but lives the playboy lifestyle of the rich and famous. He drinks alcohol, he owns a hotel chain which profits from the sale of alcohol and non-halal products, and he is famous for adultery. Details of his encounters with prostitutes are now well known, especially after a member of his harem, Jillian Lauren, revealed secrets in her book Some Girls: My Life in A Harem.

What’s more, Sharia law classifies homosexuality as illegal and punishable by stoning, but it common knowledge that one of the Sultan’s sons, Prince Abdul Azim, is gay. Abdul Azim spends most of his time partying with celebrities in London and protected by his father.

Prince Abdul Azim was the ‘patron’ of the school at which I taught, and I remember being told once that my teaching programs, lesson plans and reports must be completed to the very highest standard, because Prince Abdul Azim would review them personally. The Principal struck fear into the hearts of many of the local staff who slaved away for hours of their reports. I made sure I used pink highlighter on mine.

Lauren’s book also details how the Sultan and his brother, Prince Jefri, would swap women in their harems. Prince Jefri is a famous sex addict and is currently estrnaged from the royal family because he wasted away much of the country’s fortune on women and parties.

What happened to me?

The commotion subsided, so I emerged from my hiding place to discover that the visit was over. A few days after the dust had settled from the Sultan’s visit, the Principal called me into her office.

“I notice you are not in any of the photos,” she said.

“Ah, yes, I was feeling sick, I know I looked sick and I didn’t want to embarrass the school in front of the Sultan,” I explained.

I’m pretty sure she didn’t believe me but she was diplomatic enough not to take the matter further. Our Principal knew the expat Teachers worked very hard to improve her school and her reputation. I was given a perfunctory slap on the wrist by my employer, a British organisation contracted by the government, and life at the school returned to normal.

The staff at the school had endured weeks of extra work, long hours, stress and panic so that the Sultan of Brunei could breeze through one of his schools and pretend that he is educating his loyal subjects.

That’s why I snubbed the Sultan.

http://www.ft.com

Why would you want royal blood?

 

Many people boast about their royal blood. Everyday people point to their ancestry as evidence that they have some familial link to a royal family somewhere in the world, and many people do so with pride. The question is, why would anyone want royal blood?

Royal families are inbred.

Their blood is tainted through generation after generation of inbreeding. Do you really want to be blood-related to a family of inbreds?

Royal brothers marry sisters or cousins and reproduce with them in order to ensure that their offspring is one of them, and to keep power within the family. Interestingly, royal families and the aristocracy exalt the term ‘pure blood’ or speak in praise of people who are of ‘good breeding’. How pure is the blood of someone whose parents were brother and sister?

Deformity

Inbreeding is dangerous. Societies large and small have for centuries established laws, customs and practices designed to prevent blood relatives from producing offspring, for one main reason. Inbreeding produces deformities, both physical and mental.

Even animals do all they can to avoid inbreeding.

So prevalent are the deformities of European royalty that it is possible to follow a royal family tree by examining common deformities among the family members. Through the identification of a particular deformity, one can determine who married whom, and who begat whom.

A wasted opportunity

The British royal family seem to have missed an opportunity to expand their gene pool. Meghan Markle has no blood connection (as far as I know) to anyone in the British royal family, or the extended European royal family, and she won over Prince Harry with her charm and personality. Harry and Meghan are apparently estranged from the royal family (I’m not entirely sure, I avoid royal gossip). Subsequently, they and their (future) offspring may not have any claim to the throne or official royal titles.

Had they remained firmly within the royal family, the House of Windsor could have expanded its gene pool through children whose parents have no blood connection. The British royals may have just missed an opportunity to expand the gene pool.

Royal adoption

The Sultan of Brunei is known to adopt children, mostly from Malaysia. The Sultan promotes the adoption program as a gesture of charity and goodwill which saves poor Malaysian children and provides them with a better life.

Acute observers claim that the adoption program protects his own family. The children are all granted a social title, and a privileged position within Bruneian society as relations of the royal family. They may or may not be granted the full social status worn by his immediate family, but they are given a title which places them in the upper echelons of Bruneian society. 

The adopted children can then marry an immediate royal family member because they possess the necessary social title. Brunei has a population of less than 500, 000 people, including expats and other non-Malay residents, and only a tiny section of that small population is eligible to marry royalty – namely those with a high-ranking social title awarded by the royal family.

Thus, if royalty marries an adopted child, the power stays within the family, but the married couple is not blood related and the gene pool is protected.

Non-royal inbreds

How many people would boast about familial connection to other people who are known to marry their relatives?

Residents of remote, obscure country towns have a reputation for inbreeding. They often have limited opportunity to meet other people when they’re stuck out on a remote farm or tiny village, so they find other ways to continue their family. Few people celebrate their connection to ‘inbred country bumpkins’, but these people are no more inbred than royal families.

Dole bludgers

Furthermore, no one is likely to announce their connection to a family of dole bludgers. And yet, that’s exactly what royal families are. They don’t work for a living, and taxpayers pay for them to live. Most of them live in absolute luxury at the expense of the ordinary person. Are you proud to be related to the world’s richest dole bludgers?

Money and power

Establishing a blood connection to a royal family has its benefits. It can increase someone’s wealth and power, and certainly improve someone’s job prospects. Boasting of a blood connection to a royal family in order to increase wealth and power is understandable, but many people promote their lineage as an inherent sign of personal prestige, as if somehow their connection to royalty, as faint as it may be, makes them a better person.

The next time you hear someone boasting about their royal blood, consider the composition of that blood.

Image: http://www.ft.com