The Turnbulls Have Saved Us.

Malcolm and Lucy Turnbull have devised a masterful plan to remodel Sydney’s West in the image of the Eastern Suburbs in order to keep Westies out of the East forever.

“Once this plan is implemented, the Western Suburbs will be as liveable as the Eastern Suburbs and Westies will have no reason to venture this side of Anzac Parade,” announced the Point Piper locals, much to the relief of Eastern Suburbs residents.

“Protecting our neighbours and former constituents from Westies is the primary focus of this plan. Unlike the Bondi Passport, and the proposed Westie Wall (now known as the CBD and South East Light Rail) our plan will succeed in ridding the East of this age-old scourge.”

The former member for Wentworth and former chief of the Greater Sydney Commission then outlined the details of their vision:

Beautiful beaches will be created in the West, replete with sand, seagulls, variable surf, seaweed and bluebottles, and of course westerly winds.

Beautiful beaches will keep Westies out of the Eastern Suburbs.

Decommissioned coal mining excavators will dig an enormous hole in Western Sydney, which will then be filled with water so that Westies can enjoy their own uninterrupted harbour views.

Harbour views will keep Westies out of the Eastern Suburbs.

Cranbrook School, The Scots College and Waverley College will move permanently to the West so that their First XV can fulfil their contractual obligations without leaving home. In turn, Cranebrook School, The Schofields College and Wallacia College will occupy the vacated facilities, where non-rugby-playing students will learn from the ‘dud teachers’ currently staffing public schools out west.

Private schools will keep Westies out of the Eastern Suburbs.

Semi’s with handkerchief gardens will replace the great Australian dream, and Westies will learn the joy of sharing a property with neighbours who think an open fire is warranted in a Sydney winter, and that big dogs love tiny homes.

High-density suburbs will keep Westies out of the Eastern Suburbs.

Attractive, valuable terraces with on-road parking will be in a constant state of renovation, and the attendant skip bins will clog the narrow streets and discourage Westies from cycling or walking anywhere.

Cyclable, pedestrian-friendly suburbs will keep Westies out of the Eastern Suburbs.

The Liberal party stalwarts also advised Westies to increase their wealth and thus their climate-change resilience. One aspect of the brilliant plan, however, was exposed as deeply flawed:

“We offered lucrative financial incentives to encourage Bondi hipsters to relocate,” explained the ex-PM,

“But it was rightly explained that once you take the hipster out of Bondi, you take Bondi out of the hipster…”

Malcolm and Lucy will then ensure our salvation when they move to the Western Suburbs.

First published in The Beast magazine, August 2022.

Image: The Adelaide Advertiser

Australia’s most popular actor revealed.

Australians are in shock after a recent survey revealed that the country’s most popular actor is Scott Morrison and not international superstars such as Hugh Jackman, Cate Blanchett, Russell Crowe, Nicole Kidman, Mel Gibson or Chris Hemsworth.

“Scott Morrison pretends to be Prime Minister,” stated the survey’s authors when explaining the surprising result, “…and good actors pretend.”

“An actor attempts to convince the audience they are someone they are not, and Morrison has done that very successfully since he back-stabbed Malcolm Turnbull to become PM in 2018. Morrison is clearly not a leader, but he played the part so well that he fooled more than 50% of the voting public and was re-elected in 2019. That is a masterful piece of acting.”

Stunned observers and members of the public argued that all of the actors listed above have a far greater international standing and profile than Morrison, and are all more popular. In response, experts referenced a number of key factors which earned Morrison the top spot.

“Firstly, consider Morrison’s nicknames: Liar from The Shire – all actors ‘lie’ about being the character they portray and Morrison clearly does this expertly. Scotty From Marketing and Scotty from Photo Ops also suggest an obsession with image, a veneer, a facade, and a well-honed persona. In other words, a character. Morrison is a persona, who appears relentlessly at the football, behind the wheel of a truck, drinking beer, doing handyman jobs. More discerning audiences automatically identify the flaws in all of those performances, but the masses don’t, and the masses vote, which is why a huge number of them voted for him in this survey. Furthermore, Morrison does nothing. Apart from photo ops, he does nothing, yet he is still far more popular than the opposition leader. That’s acting!”

Puppet power.

“Of course, it doesn’t hurt having the boss of 20th Century Fox in your corner. In fact, many would argue Rupert Murdoch is Morrison’s creator and puppet master, and none of the aforementioned actors have that kind of powerful support driving their popularity or careers. In contrast, Hugh is a good friend of Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner”

Survey authors offered more insights into the results. They stated that actors must persuade audiences to suspend disbelief, and that Morrison and his huge PR team do that so well. In contrast, everyone knows Hugh doesn’t have steel blades popping out of his knuckles. Everyone knows Cate is not an elf, and Russell is no master of the sword. Mel didn’t free Scotland with nothing more than a kilt, and Nicole never rode a BMX down a waterslide. Chris finished behind Morrison in the survey because he obviously doesn’t command a flying hammer, but there is another reason he failed to win.

“Aussie men are intimidated by Chris’ impossibly-chiselled physique, whether they admit it or not. No one is intimidated by Scotty in speedos.”

Not only is Scotty more popular than Australia’s best actors, he is probably earning more than all of them. The PM collects a handsome salary, while COVID-19 has halted production of movies, TV series and theatre shows, so even the richest actors are earning very little right now. Compounding this is the Morrison government’s refusal to allocate adequate funding to the Arts and Entertainment sector in Australia despite the financial blow of the global pandemic. Cynical observers asked if Morrison deliberately withheld funding knowing that it would increase his chances of topping the survey, to which organisers replied:

“Well, he craves popularity”

Image: Benoit Debaix